Great Lakes Relay 2017

Waiting on the official power rankings, but the way I see it going down.

Relay:

1. Bear Force 1

2. Miles K's team

3. Saline Middle school

DNS: M-10

DNF: BP's shorts

DQ: Meat Train

Beer drinkin:

1. Shane Logan

2. BF1

3. Meet trian

Z to Mack bridge beer:

1. Meat Train, they've officially given up on the running part

2. Shane Logan

3. Bear Force 1, as if water even made it in the van

Relay:

1. Morsi Rayyan

2. Whatever team Mav Darling is on (heard he's running this year)

3. Flying Dutchmen

Beer drinking:

1. Morsi Rayyan (upset alert)

2. Shane Logan

3. Some 19 y/o kid from Shea Butter

Most social media updates:

1. Morsi Rayyan

2. 'Lynx' Widener (instagram)

3. 'Lynx' Widener (twitter)

Here are the real rankings.

Clearly this thread and the GLR in general is deader than Jukey Smoot’s chances of picking up a date at the annual Helen Keller Society Mixer and Singles night.

Let’s start with what’s missing.

M-10 These guys have been running GLR since the early 80s and their performances over the past few years have proved it. They finally threw in the towel after 30 plus GLRs. About time someone put down the ghost of what was once a great team.

Gingerbread Girls: Much like an Ole Miss Sorority girl sophomore year was the highlight of life for these divas. Rather than fade off into anonymity they decided to pull the plug. I applaud this decision.

Team Fat Camp: These one and doners spent GLR 2016 chasing Hamms with Reddog, holding hands and walking up sand dunes. I hear they started running concurrently after leg 2 on day 1. No big loss here on the running side but the Beer Drinkin title is now wide open. Consumption of fireball is also expected to take a 90% reduction.

40 other random teams that didn’t want to travel to the UP. Because 3 days in the UP is an awful idea.

2-3 people from every other team as it seems like everyone is having a hard time filling out the roster. Or maybe everyone just hates me and my team.

Winston “Wes” Stoody Jr aka GrindrLvr. Following a triumphant 2016 victory over Nondescript and Inoffensive Mr. Stoody Jr (who was rumored to have averaged 4:13 pace over 69 miles for the weekend while leading the Meat Train to the victory.) got on his proverbial horse and rode off into the sunset of his running career. Mr. Stoody is now focusing on his skinny jeans modeling career and training German shepherds while enjoying sunsets over the Holloway Reservoir with his life partner Cole Sanseveverionski.

Rankings

Most Likely to Get Horribly Lost in the UP for Multiple Hours, eaten by Wolves and costing his/her team the championship

1. Brendan Moloney

2. Mike McCarty

3. Mark Beams

4. Megan Pitoors

5. Jerome “Bring me More Mocha Java Porter” Recker

6. Paige Boldt

7. Anyone one else on Boozeorg

Best Dance Moves

1. Derek Gielarowski

2. Kevin Sayers

3. Scott Mindel

4. Wade Wines

5. Jerome “Bring me More Mocha Java Porter” Recker

Best Dance Moves 2 AM Hotel Bar

1. Scott Mindel

2. Lex Williams

3. Cole Sanseverino

4. Nick Thelen

5. Ken Foley

Most Likely to Creatively Engineer the Course and Lead their Team to Victory

1. Mike McCarty – Meat Train

2. Bennett Prud’homme – Boozeorg TC

3. Jerome “Bring me More Mocha Java Porter” Recker

4. Morsi “the pride of St. John’s” Ryyan - Non- Descript and Inoffensive.

5. Mike Arnold – Team Carnivore

Biggest Daddies

1. Shane Logan

2. Eric Green

3. Mike Holik

4. Luke Voss

5. Matt Fecht

Shortest Shorts

1. Bennet Pud’homme (Going for his 4th straight title in this category.)

2. Brook Handler

3. Lex Williams

4. Zacchaeus Lynx Widner

5. Carson Truesdell

Runnin

1. Non descript and Inoffensive

2. Meat Grindr

3. Mt. Pleasant Flying Deutsch(wo)man

4. 10 guys 1 Tent

5. Boozorg Track Club

Drinkin

1. Bearforce 1.

2. Some high school team

3. Saline Middle school

4. Hold my Beer Watch Me Run

5. Meet Trian.

….

100. Non-Descript and inoffensive

Most Likely to win the Saturday Night Beer Mile

1. WORLD CHAMPION AND WORLD RECORD HOLDER Erin O’mara

2. Wade Wines

3. Ace

4. The Ghost of Mike Andersen

5. Anyone else who went to EMU

Z to Mack Race Team Challenger AKA the Prologue

1. Meat Train

2. Bearforce 1

3. Meat Train

4. The Ghost of the Pirates of the Huron River

5. Meat Train

Most Likely to Play Beer Pong with Lex Williams and make it weird and creepy

1. Jared Fogle the GLR poster

2. Jared Fogle the GLR poster

3. Jared Fogle the GLR poster

4. Jared Fogle the GLR poster

5. Jukey Smoot

Rankings and Predictions.

Open Race : AKA the Varsity Race

1. Non-Descript and Inoffensive – Can you say all-star squad!!! After blowing a 3-1 lead to the Meat Train in 2016 they cut loose role players Brooke Handler and Brad Armstrong and replaced them with sub 14:30 5k runners and we are just talking about their girls! When asked for comment Captain Morsi replied “I’M TOO JUICED TO LOSE.” To avenge their controversial defeat ND&I has finished a 12 month training regimen of consisting 180 mile weeks, anabolic steroids, EPO, meldonium, 6 different types of horse tranquilizers and no fun. Also signing with the Golden Sta.. Non-Descript and Inoffensive include star free agents Steve Prefontaine circa 1974, Wes Santee circa 1950 and Mo Farah.

2. Mt. Pleasant Flying Dutchmen – Perennially a contender in the top 5 will this team of stalwarts be ready to take the next step??? Short answer… no. Unlikely Answer if Mark Beams gets lost and eaten by Wolves the Douchemen might be able to sneak out the win. Key returners include Garret “The Pride of Carson City” Lacy. Looks for Garrett to be back in top form in 2017 after an uncharacteristically slow year in 2016. Fellas keep your eyes off the Mrs. Pride of Carson City she is way too hot for you to handle.

3. Bearforce1 – Always ready to move up the ranks the Bearforce will be at home in their natural environment. In a case of addition by subtraction captain Voss will have his bears ready to ravage the UP for booze and fresh meat. Only question is will the Bearforce be too exhausted after taking on the Meat Train in Thursday’s Z to Mac Prologue???

3. Bearforce1 – Always ready to move up the ranks the Bearforce will be at home in their natural environment. In a case of addition by subtraction captain Voss will have his bears ready to ravage the UP for booze and fresh meat. Only question is will the Bearforce be too exhausted after taking on the Meat Train in Thursday’s Z to Mac Prologue???

4. 10 Guys 1 Tent – The fact that all 10 members of this team are either not of age to purchase alcohol or so closely resemble 15 year old boys that no one will sell them alcohol will be a key advantage for this group of young up and comers.

5. Quirk Pervs – Finishing in 4th place in a upset on the back of 124 miles run by ALL World Ultramarathoner Jesse Davis the question here is can the rest of their team step up enough to give Jesse a shot at his first ever GLR title or will be he content with another MVP season?

Not Ranked: Meat Train- Stick a fork in them and take that to the bank. These jokers are done. Rumor has it they had to recruit out of the prison league to fill out the squad.

Mixed AKA the JV race AKA where the directionally challenged go to lose

1. 99 problems – Give the defending Champs their due. They are the race team full of girls who can actually follow directions. In this watered down division that’s enough to take the win.

2. Out for Blood – Returning every member from their 3rd place team this squad of veterans looks to contend for the win.

3. Facemelters – This is Jen Rock and Dani Millers team right? If not who cares.

4. Meat Flop – Brendan Moloney is taking off on each leg with a full orienteering kit and 6 days of survival rations.

5. Bozorg – Everyone knows that Lynx is going to run sub 5 minute pace which will be all for naught after Bennet takes a hard right into Lake Superior and tries to swim to Isle Royale. I’m not sure Bennet’s short’s are short enough for the challenge.

Hi LetsRun messageboard. I'll tell you a secret: sometimes I get a little quiet.In other news, it's time for me to press on with my duties as the wordy author in charge of something nobody cares about. Here's "Athlete Preview From A Non-Winning Team" #2 for the 2017 edition of the Great Lakes Relay, in which I plan to prove that (a) Key and Peele are NOT funny and (b) the easiest way to lose at GLR is to have Matt Fecht on your team. Here goes nothing.I know I'm terrible at history. I was twice kicked out of history class in high school for reporting that the US has large military bases in Switzerland, and again for (I still say I was right on this one) claiming that Al Gore, as inventor of the internet, is required to proofread every webpage for both accuracy and spelling/grammar errors. I know at this point you're probably wondering what in the world the last two sentences have to do with the Great Lakes Relay, and let me assure you that I have a point (it's just not really at all related to the aforementioned sentences).Matt Fecht. He's a guy. He has run pretty fast. He ran in the USA Olympic Trials Marathon last year. He has a goatee. He ran a 2:26 at Grandma's this year. He's not too terribly tall, but what he lacks in height he more than makes up for in ability to stay on course (and CRUSH IT) on the Graveyard Leg at GLR. IDK for sure if he's met Lex "I agree, Key and Peele are terrible" Williams, but if he did I'm sure they'd agree with me re: Key and Peele. I'm going to arbitrarily insert an arbitrary quote from some arbitrary online poster here:

Bryce Barbie wrote:

Wait, what?

Some folks may believe that a team comprised of 7 has-beens, a never-was, and Mr. Fecht should still be favored to win the event. "Fecht ran 2:18!" they would say. "Ain't nobody can beat that kind of firepower!" they'd say. Well guess what: you're wrong. The guy went to Wayne State for chrissakes. He once lost a 10k to Donn Cabral who we all can agree would be AT BEST somewhere between the 20th and 23rd best runner at GLR this year, and if Mr. Fecht is expected to carry the Meat Train once again, he’d better hope he was better than Mr. Cabral . His claim to fame is (probably) that he (might) be able to take down Shane “Big Daddy” Logan in a contest to see who has the best chance at being on a losing GLR team this year. Mr. Fecht does, however have a hidden trick up his sleeve: he’s the subject of this preview.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my decades of reporting on the Great Lakes Relay, it’s that you should always bet against my predictions. I mean, just look at the performance Ms. Pittoors (sp?) put in last year after I called out her entire team for being “about to lose.” What’s more, Mr. Fecht certainly knows how to grow a goatee.

In summary, KEY AND PEELE WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO WRITE A GOOD JOKE IF MITCH HEDBERG WAS THERE DICTATING IT FOR THEM.

As I sit here having my 3rd dark cold beer of the day I am really starting to have some accurate GLR predictions. When those 2 guys (I know 1 of them has a daughter who is cute.. is she still dating the spiky haired guy from Eastern?) who say they 'donate all of the money to the special olympics' realizes that they are going to end up headed home after this UP fiasco with no money.. they will quickly change their minds and move it down to the state line and have the 2018 edition of GLR end in Hillsdale, MI, where they have a bar or 2 and a shitty DII (DIII?) college on top of a hill.

This year will be an eye opener for people like the coach at Oakland as well. He will be doing his thing, making sure that people get to exchange zones, all while telling everyone that his distance program is the best in the midwest and that he was the only program to have 2 guys go under 14mins for 5k. I hear football is headed there soon..................

The missing faces of the 2017 relay might include the new star of Hansons-Brooks Project aka Caleb R. He might be taking some time off after his 55th place finish at the Peachtree road race. He will be aiming at the podium next year after they reduce the price purse to US only money. In all honesty, I am hoping he runs GLR and is decked out in his kit that used to mean something in the distance world. I will 100% take a photo with him and post it on another social media outlet that Zach W. uses, Tinder.

Another misstep this year is that with the limited service in the UP how the hell is everyone going to post their runs on Strava? Without that in GLR you start to hear things like "I put 60 seconds on him" when you actually lost about 5 minutes. I mean I am guilty of that, but it was only when I was in front of the queen of GLR herself, Leo F.

Predictions:

Fastest Female: Garret Lacy's GF

Fastest Drinker: Shane 'I actually am a great father' Logan

Fastest Team: Probably wont make the trip

This post is full of FAKE NEWS and ALTERNATIVE FACTS. You can't trust the lying Playmakers Contract to get anything right!

Fortunately Spicey Shawn is here to get you the real facts.

You aren't on your 3rd dark cold beer of the day. You have tiny hands and you can't handle cracking open 3 cold dark beers. Leave the good stuff to the bearforce. You just started your second Mai Tai and you liked it.

GLR 2018 is going to Start at the Bloated Goat and finish at Sidetracks.

Caleb R will be running. He took it easy at the Peachtree because he was resting for relay. After the race he dropped a double F bomb and got of Rochester. He'll be dropping 5 minute miles and crushing beers all weekend.

The OU Coach. A God among men. Women want him and men want to be him. You would be lucky to find yourself competing on his Squadron.

Zach W doesn't use Tindr. This is fake news and I demand a retraction! Zach has an exclusive Ashley Madison contract.

Leo F is too fat old and slow to be the queen of the GLR. I heard he's not running this year.

If the runs don't post to Strava they never happened.

Fastest Female: Mrs. Garret Lacy isn't too happy to hear about that home wrecking hussy. Looks for her to be taken out after her first leg.

Fastest Drinking: Shane 'I actually am a great father' Logan - This one is actually true.

The GLR thread is so inside I understand little, but still find it entertaining.

What follows are Dr. Thompson’s unabridged and unedited notes from GLR 2016. A coherent, publishable copy could not be produced even under “violent tension and extreme duress”. We hope this outline will form a somewhat factual representation of the events which did transpire July 14-17, 2016.

-The Editor

Day 0:

Living in a daze. Dustin Hoffman without a red sportscar or a Katharine Ross. A few days of athletic pursuits in clean forest air sounds like a proper elixir. "When do we leave?" "Tomorrow, race starts Friday morning at 6:00 AM, will that be an issue for you?"

...

Our rendezvous is "meeting place of the north" Spike's Keg o Nails. Can't drink the water, the thought wouldn't cross my mind. Flint got all the press. My partner took a big swig as the waitress breaks the news, spits it out "what is this sabotage?” “It's bottled sir”.

High school team with this year's race t-shirts on. Innocence personified. Sleeves must go as a minimum, but sleeveless crop top is proper. Purely fashion, GLR is form over function. College has-beens reliving their imagined past glories.

“I should mace their asses”. “Save the aggression”. Certain dark aspects are already permeating the weekend.

...

Picking up provisions at a Spartan Food Supercenter. White bread, bologna, American cheese, pop tarts, beer. The essentials. A rival team stumbles out of their van with a rattling waterfall of empties. The lieutenant gives orders: Beer, Snacks, Gas . "no time for the deposit, no room, leave them". Glazed eyed determination, with a mission they file out.

My partner is pissed "Swine. We'll have to make up for it with a lively campsite. We can find a few locals at the beach." He has a score to settle.

...

“What do we have in terms of pharacuitacals?” IBProfuen, codeine, Caffiene pills, Edible Cannabis, DMSO (with Aloe), laxatives, and a mild grade muscle relaxer.

We pulled out the middle seat of our grand caravan and threw it in the dumpster at the Spartan. "we could use the space". Fair assessment. In the midst of a game of two on two nightcrawlers. Sleeping bags ="dirt", emtpy wine bottles = "rocks", full wine bottles ="worm food". What do worms eat?

Stopped off at roadside fireworks stand. Leftovers from the 4th, deep discount. We'll send off the race in style! Debate as to whether it would be patriotic or UN patriotic to light the whole motherload during the national anthem. “It is not only patriotic, but our duty as Americans”. I am overruled. We'd settle for the start.

...

First night at campground and team assembles. Rag tag group. First case of Bud is already gone. Good thing they stocked up. The liquor store closes at 10:00 here. The locals seem confused. We are invaders to their world. An oddity. Freaks. At a zoo, who is observing who? Are we the animals or are they?

Tent fire is narrowly avoided. Debauchery ensues.

Slow clap. Can't wait for the rest.

Hello and welcome again to the GLR Top Ten, I’m Casey Kasem. Here to countdown the hits you are likely to hear on this week's Great Lakes Relay.

#10. 10 Guys, 1 Tent - It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls

10 guys sharing 1 tent. Super weird or very thrifty. Either way if it does rain they can snuggle and stay warm.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5aZJBLAu1E

#9. Nasty Boys- Last In Line by Dio

The musical quality of the Nasty Boys is unsurpassed. Their running though, well, we know exactly where they will be in the pack.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtEw8JLQBgg

#8. BOZORG - #Selfie by The Chainsmokers

It doesn’t matter where this team finishes place wise… Lynx will have them trending #1 on Instagram.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdemFfbS5H0

#7. Every High School Team - Like A Virgin by Madonna

These first timers are all excited for their first go-round, but are likely to start off too quickly, get exhausted and cry at the conclusion of the event.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s__rX_WL100

#6. Fly Duestchmen - I Want Your Sex by George Michael

Garrett Lacy remains the relay’s most desirable bachelor--despite being married and not actually running this year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vldh7oQD-a4

#5. MeatFlop - Ironman by Black Sabbath

I read Nick Thelen’s log. All he ever writes about is his low ferritin levels. Sad!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5s7_WbiR79E

#4. Shae Butter - Even the Losers by Tom Petty

Year after year these guys manage to stay on the list of “barely relevant teams”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz6t6L53gak

#3. M-10 - Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen

All these guys can talk about is how fast they ran GLR in 1998.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vQpW9XRiyM

#2. Meat Train - Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash

How much beer money does Meat Train have left after they posted bail for one of their members? Can you even drink on probation?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xd14cBeAfU4

And coming in at #1 in this week’s countdown:

Bearforce1 - Bearforce1 by BearForce1

Luke Voss gets more popular every year. It’s no surprise why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twQlpFrm5iM

I'm Casey Kasem. Now, one more time, the words I've ended my show with since 1970: “Keep your feet on the trails and keep reaching for the beers."

Hi Casey,

Long time listener, first time caller. I have some requests for personal anthems:

Shane “Big Daddy” Logan - Action Man

He's a Man of Action. Nuff said

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zM60fRbnQ1Y

Bennett Prud’homme - Short Shorts

Who Wears Short Shorts?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcvjXAtzaMU

Brendan Maloney - Let’s Get Lost

He’s still running.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pruKV1chnHA

Thanks, Love the Show!!

These power rankings are a joke. Anyone old/lucky enough to remember Mike Anderson's naked pale ass running across the Mio High School football field The Year The Tent Burned Down knows that the fastest guy at GLR is ALWAYS Aaron Metler* and it's not close.

*unless he trips and breaks his foot on day one

**or loses his glasses and gets lost

***or poops his pants

****but sometimes even when he poops his pants

The other day I was in Ann Arbor and I saw Ben Flanagan chilling on his porch with some UDM guys. The name Miles K. was thrown around and it seemed to me like Ben was training Miles K. for the GLR. Does anyone know anymore about this?? Can anyone confirm??

Can confirm that miles k has been hammering the training for past month in preparation for glr. With what I have seen, miles k is poised to be the highlight of glr this year and an automatic win for his team.

Dr. Thompson's notes increase in vulgarity as the relay starts. Due to the sensibilities of this publication, certain words and phrases have been replaced with "(expletive)" where necessary. We apologize for any detrimental effect on readability.

-The Editor

Day 1

Start of day 1 at a national forest trailhead. Anticipation in the air. Sweet dew still heavy. We are the only people alive in the world, at least who really matter. Everyone sizes up the competition. No eye contact. What kind of legs are hiding under those joggers? how strong is their heart - who will prevail? "He was a sub 14 5k guy in college". "To bad that was about 20 lbs ago"

Firework cache was destroyed in an unfortunate incident of negligence. Left out in last night's rainstorm. The cigars are safe – I made sure of this. GLR isn’t worth a (expletive) without a fine cigar. Smoke draws dirty looks from the rabble. Fascists. They don’t notice the lack of bugs for our efforts. No good deed... another freedom that will inevitably vanish.

Our leadoff man is first to the woods, shoots out of cira 1980 starting blocks. "Leave the blocks for next year". And we are off! Jean cutoffs give tasteful display of male ass cheek.

...

A few legs in. Sitting well in the top 5. Exceeding expectations. We come upon a GLR vehicle in distress. razor wire wrapped around drive shaft, only drove a few feet into a field to park. The relay is fickle, wrong turn, twisted ankle, anything can happen. Good Samaritans try to help. We watch. No hope for the fallen.

...

Starting the day before 5 AM throws time on it's head. "I think I'll have a sandwich for lunch". "It's 9:30". The clock does not lie.

2:17 marathoner on our team, hip (expletive) after one leg. Supposed ringer. Apply field dressing of DMSO with crushed IBProfen. Cooler in truck bed acts as operating table. Sanitized with alcohol based hand sanitizer. "That should do the trick". "I'm getting high if it doesn't"

...

Tranquility of midday interrupted, shrill "Get off the road!". Power tripping official on war path. She must live for this weekend. A small domain, deputized to clean up the mean streets of GLR. Martial law prevails / is necessary. Anarchy is at hand. Tough on crime. Middle school substitute teacher? real hard (expletive). That is how she treats us.

Herd of runners generally obliges. A few of our own squad stand their ground. "I'm gonna call the sherriff". "what's he gonna do, give us a spanking?". "I'm writing down your team number". The specter of a DQ comes early this year.

Truck creeps by. Full bed of wailing hunting dogs. Training the dogs to hunt bear. A short-short wearing freak would suffice. Dogs would barely know the difference.

...

Riding in back of S10 after last leg. Ended day still top 5. Everyone pleasantly surprised. Arturo, mexican teammate, (expletive) who ruined the fireworks, at the wheel blaring Colombian? funk. Bouncing along to the syncopated rhythm. "Yo no se.." Can't make out rest. something about "amor". Corona in hand. no limes. Trump can build his wall, music floats over. Can’t stop music, can’t stop humanity.

Here is the official breakdown of what you are likely to see everyone drinking this weekend:

Meat Train - Atwater (Java Porter)

BOZORG - Michelob Ultra / O’Doul’s

10 Guys 1 Tent - Mike’s Hard Strawberry Limeade

Nondescript - Generation UCAN

Quirky Pervs - Offering quaaludes and sprite to the other teams

Nasty Boys - Prune Juice

Flying Dutchmen - Kirkland’s Light

MeatFlop - Walgreen’s Big Flats

Miles K - Popov (5 O’clock as chaser)

Every High School Team - Capri Sun and/or Sunny D (these are some lads going wild)

99 Problems - Perrin Brewery’s Pack of Problems

Kalamazoo Hill Toppers - Ibuprofen crushed in water

Shae Butter - Smirnoff ICE

Run? I Heard Rum. - Bacardi Razz

Fat Camp - Hamms

Out for Blood - Bud Light (at least that was Shane Logan’s choice in his World Record Half Marathon)

Gingerbread Girls- Friday Night Apple-tini specials at Rick’s East Lansing on the campus of Michigan State University

M-10 - Almond Milk

Come On! Feel the Illinois! - A kegger of warm Keystone ICE

#BearForce1 - Pre-Ban Four Loko

In an unprecedented quick turnaround, I’m back with another quality post with thinly veiled comments about your mom. I first need to address the following poster and post:

Ragnar is better wrote:

My username is a lie.

Thank you for your time. Gotta jet--your mom’s sending me neato texts.

Just kidding, you can’t get rid of me that easily. I mean, who else is going to tell you more about the wonder that is the unpronounceable1* Bennett “BearBro” Prud’homme, the star of “Athlete Preview from a Non-Winning Team” #3 for the 2017 GLR season? You all know and love him for his antics as a short-short donning, spandex-swamp-ass-promoting, sort-of-man-bun-sort-of-man-pony haired fashion guru, but he has so much more to offer than just those superficial qualities. For instance, did you know that Mr. Prud’homme once shared a beer with famed teetotaler Lindsay Lohan? Or that he was the inspiration for the live-action adaptation of Disney’s “Monsters, Inc.”? He also served as Kate Winslet’s body double during the famous nude painting scene in the 1997 blockbuster “Titanic” (it’s rumored that he even ad-libbed the line about Leo’s “Jack” blushing at the sight of such a quality donger tuck! Such talent!). Go ahead and see for yourselves; the resemblance is uncanny *2.

As you can no doubt tell from this resume, Mr. Prud’homme comes by his running talent honestly.

The only thing that seems to hold Mr. Prud’homme and his squadron of JV underperformers back every year is their unwillingness to recruit Lex “I’ll run for anybody but Bozorg, but I’ll especially run for Jared Fogle’s team” Williams. I won’t bore you with the details, but there’s photographic evidence of Mr. Prud’homme wearing longer-than-advertised shorts on social media which led to he and Mr. Williams having a falling-out of sorts, which I guess is better than a falling-out-of-shorts, but I digress. For evidence of the aforementioned shorts, note the following images:

What’s more, I don’t even see any bears. Or beers. What a sham. Anyway, good luck to everybody in your efforts to avoid this guy’s moose knuckle this weekend. His Strava says that he’s become well versed at running 8:30 pace, so at the very least he’ll be a good target for your mom to chase after when I’m finished with her.

*1. I guess this video of a robot saying his name should be enough of a clue:

, but we’ll have to let Major Ursa and/or Ursa Minor weigh in on the accuracy of the pronunciation of his name.

*2.

I mean, just look at him.

Sources tell me Meat Train are BEGGING anyone who can hold 6min pace for more than 2 miles.

Rumor has it Matt has backed out and Leo "the hometown hero" Foley is tearing out his non existent hair as we speak.

RIP meat train.

Those men are through.

I don't want anyone to be confused. There is no team at GLR2017 named 'Meat Train' anymore. They have changed their name to 'The Loose Caboose'.