What's more detrimental to your running? Unsupportive spouse or high stress job?

Unless you are a professional runner, then running should never prioritize itself ahead of your marriage, or your marriage will end. I don't recall if the OP had kids or not, but if he is not contributing as he should in the marriage, then he needs to reprioritize his life. When you are single you need to act in your own self interest. When you are married you have to act in the interest of your family if you want it to work (sometimes this aligns with your self interest, but often times it does not). The wall street did a piece a while back called "A workout ate my marriage" and should be mandatory reading for any runner who is married.

As far as day care is concerned, there is nothing evil about day care (and this comes from someone who was raised by a stay at home mom). Research has shown that day care is just as good for the child so long as the care giver is consistent. My twin daughters have been in private day care with the same older woman 3 days a week since they were six months old (my wife and I each work 4 days a week, I work from home and she runs a successful small business). They are smart, sociable, athletic and loved (much more sociable than their peers and cousins who grew up in households where a parent stayed home). I get them ready in the mornings, I do the dishes, I cook most of the meals, I help them with their homework, I coach their soccer team, I take them to swim lessons, when they were younger I would read to them (now they read to me, they are in 2nd grade and just finished the Harry Potter novels) and I tuck them into bed.

At the end of the day I spend time with my wife and I take the dog for a short run or I go to the gym and lift weights and swim. I have not run or done a triathlon "competitively" since I got married (I ran D1 for four years and won a couple of road races, trail races and triathlons post collegiate). The time to be a competitive runner is when you are single or if you are a professional runner. It is important to be healthy (but you only need about 20 miles a week to do that) but it is as important to have a healthy marriage.

Exactly. I would rate myself as a complete failure as a father if my daughters failed to realize that there are options outside of the home.

This guy thinks its the 50s. To further prove my point, he has not once mentioned the option of a stay at home dad. His blood is actually boiling at the thought of that.

joedirt wrote:

I don't recall if the OP had kids or not,

Don't recall?

It's not like the OP talked to you a while ago and you are trying to remember what he said.

LOL

other running related topic wrote:

My wife hates that I run. "why do you do these races? Is it for fitness? How long are you going to do this for? I don't get it."

Later, "You're going running again? Didn't you run yesterday? You're not planning on running everyday? Don't you think you've run enough? You know you have the wrong priorities.".

I don't even run that much. 50mpw at the most. Nothing compared to most runners I know.

How do you answer these questions? I told her about Ed Whitlock racing at 70-80s. I said I'm not planning on doing that, but I do it because I like it.

Coupled with this, I have a high stress job. My solution so far is to run when I can.

Pics would help me answer your question.

everything you wrote is exactly something I have said to my wife in the last 12 months, crazyi run 50 mpw as well and am always explaining that my friends, some also married, run 70, 80, 90, 100mpw and lots of doubles. same story as you, hahai also just want to focus on running for a year or two more seriously and scale it back. i empathize with you!Always show gratitude, it goes a long way. She loves you, and running probably isn't going to be a fatal wedge in your marriage. Say thank you if she did something for the house or you while you were running. Say thanks if she waited for you to finish running to do something. say how you appreciate her support after a marathon race or big buildup is over, even if you don't feel fully supported. show her it's important to you and you aren't necessarily going to quit. Another thing I have found works the best is to simply share when important races/workouts/long runs are on your schedule and when you might be out of commision recovering or preparing. It may be that she doesn't know your running schedule, and feels like she has to guess your schedule (even though you know what your running plans are 12 weeks in advance or something) Share your plans, so she can organize her own life. It's thoughtful and easy and, in my experience, has actually helped a lot versus being sneaky or sly about a run. plus, you don't feel guilty or rushed about your runs.I used to be more defensive and say that the more i run, the faster/better I can race...and I have these deeply important (and irrational, i know) goals to do well and run certain goal times in races. I admit, it doesn't make sense, but it's very fulfilling to me and important. But now I just share my plans and tell her running is important to me right now, while I can do it fairly well.I've gone as far as to set up a situation at my job to take long lunches and run at lunch, so I'm really only running from home on weekends and maybe one day a week. If she hangs out with friends or has other weekend plans, i plan to run then. I feel i've managed it very well, yet she still sometimes doesn't understand why it is an important part of my life. we don't have to agree.i can't explain it other than i really like doing it..despite it being tiring, mind-consuming at times, and a bit crazy.When my wife does things she loves (swimming, rock climbing, walkign with friends) I support it 100%. Never question when or why she does it, just support it. She understands at times that running really doesn't take much time, but what bothers her is me resting the weekend of a race, or not wanting to stay out late, or skipping a hike because i just ran a 20 miler and want to recover with my legs up. Sometimes, i just need to go on a bike ride or hike or walk when my legs are tired and it's part of the situation. NBDshare your plans, communication always makes things better.

other running related topic wrote:

My wife hates that I run. "why do you do these races? Is it for fitness? How long are you going to do this for? I don't get it."

Later, "You're going running again? Didn't you run yesterday? You're not planning on running everyday? Don't you think you've run enough? You know you have the wrong priorities.".

I don't even run that much. 50mpw at the most. Nothing compared to most runners I know.

How do you answer these questions? I told her about Ed Whitlock racing at 70-80s. I said I'm not planning on doing that, but I do it because I like it.

Coupled with this, I have a high stress job. My solution so far is to run when I can.

other running related topic wrote:

My wife hates that I run. "why do you do these races? Is it for fitness? How long are you going to do this for? I don't get it."

Later, "You're going running again? Didn't you run yesterday? You're not planning on running everyday? Don't you think you've run enough? You know you have the wrong priorities.".

I don't even run that much. 50mpw at the most. Nothing compared to most runners I know.

How do you answer these questions? I told her about Ed Whitlock racing at 70-80s. I said I'm not planning on doing that, but I do it because I like it.

Coupled with this, I have a high stress job. My solution so far is to run when I can.

Definitely spouse issues. I run to relieve stress from my job, would hate to come back home to stress i gotta deal with all over again. Happy wife happy life.

yes, pics and answer the question of whether she swallows or not

Hi Mike

This shits y I'm not getting married and let's be real I'm not a one woman man.

EZPass Mike wrote:

Boston Bound wrote:

This is silly.

My wife and I both work full-time, although she's a teacher, so she's home during the summer. My aunt watches our 4-year-old daughter most of the day, but takes her to daycare/preschool for a few hours a day to learn and be around other kids.

I make $250K, so my wife doesn't necessarily even NEED to work, at least not right now. But it's good for her to be a person outside the home, and it's good for the kids, both my daughter and my 7-year-old son, to see a woman contributing outside the home.

Hi Mike

Who is Mike? I'm not Mike.

How long have you been married and why did you marry this woman?

Do you know what "putting a marriage first" means? Putting each other first - when means respect and love. It also means respect and love for yourself; its hard to be in a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy.

I met my wife after university. I was a runner but no longer had a reason to run other than health and I love running. She knew this about me and still loved/loves this about me. 10 years and two children later there has never been a day where she has done anything but shown me support and encouraged me in doing what I love. On the other side, my wife does cross country skiing in the winter and kayaking in the summer. She's pretty obsessed with both. We do workout together, she will run with me and I will ski and kayak with her, but their are plenty of workouts we do on our own too. Each person finding a few hours on their own each week to exercise is not that hard if it's important to both of you. There are also ways to involve the children especially as they get older.

If running makes you happy and your wife isn't supportive, I think you've married the wrong person and I have a hard time believing she truly loves you. At the very least, it's not any marriage I would ever let myself be a part of. A spouse should build you up, not tear you down.

There have been a few good posts on here. You need to talk to your spouse and tell her that you want her support in it. It sounds like running is "getting in the way of her" so to speak... If she doesn't wan to support it, ask her why? And then look for a time during the day to head out so it doesn't interfere with her.

...

maybe that's during lunch, or right after work, or when your wife goes to work in the morning...Or realllly early. Unfortunately, that might be at 4-5 AM when the world sleeps.

john utah wrote:

That is an absurd statement and totally false. It's what guilty parents use to justify their life choices. To be clear, having a single parent is obviously a completely different situation. There is no reason for anyone to feel guilt in that scenario. You have to put food on the table. You mom is a true warrior for shouldering all of the work. But this is not the case for SO many people. Most married couples can work it out so that mother stays home; they just choose not to. Good grief, families have worked it out in the past! Look at the evidence, generation after generation.

If one is so destitute that it can't be done, then don't freaking have kids for crying out loud. Sure, maybe vacations, cars and clothes aren't as nice, but don't kid yourself about what's best for the child.

Aren't you something.

Did it ever occur to you that women might want to put their hard earned education to work and it's not all about the money?

Let me guess, you aren't the spouse who stayed home? Do you have daughters? Did you tell them there is no need for them to ever be educated and work since they too are expected to spend their lives just caring for children?

Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent staying at home but get over your self.

running running runningrrrr wrote:

There have been a few good posts on here. You need to talk to your spouse and tell her that you want her support in it. It sounds like running is "getting in the way of her" so to speak... If she doesn't wan to support it, ask her why? And then look for a time during the day to head out so it doesn't interfere with her.

...

maybe that's during lunch, or right after work, or when your wife goes to work in the morning...Or realllly early. Unfortunately, that might be at 4-5 AM when the world sleeps.

Yep. That's what I do. And I'm definitely not the only person out at that time.

other running related topic wrote:

My wife hates that I run.

I feel for you and the other guys on here that have to put up with the nagging. That sounds like a brutal existence. I suppose you should try counseling, I just don't know what any of that is like, both the nagging and the counseling. Good luck.

perspective wrote:

Aren't you something.

Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent staying at home but get over your self.

You are wasting your breath. John Utah is an idiot and he's put in a concerted effort to prove that he may be the biggest idiot on LetsRun. When you see his name, you know you are in for a big dose a stupid - just ignore him and move along.

Were you a runner when you met? If you were did she not see how important running was to you?

Another case of the postulate

A man marries a woman hoping she will stay the same but she doesn't.

A woman marries a man hoping he will change but he doesn't.

I have to admit I'm amazed by the number of people that have spouses that hate the fact that they run a decent amount. Running is one of the things that defines me as a person. I can't imagine choosing to marry someone that does not genuinely support one of the main things that makes me who I am.

If you're in a situation where your spouse is that unsupportive of you running, I would definitely talk with your spouse about it. You should make it clear that it is important to you, and that you want their input to make sure you do what is necessary to make sure it does not get in the way of other important aspects of your shared life and relationship. If you make it clear that it is important to you and you want to make sure it doesn't get in the way of anything important and they are STILL unsupportive, I would seriously consider divorce - not just because of running, but because they are not good enough as a person to support you in doing what you love.