Friend just had a baby - sounds miserable

I have two kids, they were born when I was 26 and 29. It has been rewarding since day one. Your friend seems like a natural complainer. I have known people like him. Their kids tend to be moody underachievers.

To be fair my friend isn't really complaining much and I am sure he will be a good father. I am just observing the toll it is taking on him.

A friend of mine just started running to get into shape. He complains about being tired and sore all the time. Does it ever get better?

Children help to remind us that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are more important things than out own comfort and convenience. Sure they wake us up at night. They also smile at us, and snuggle into us. Sure, they make a mess of the family room. They also make us valentines and mother/father's day cards. Sure, they sneak out of the house at night to go out drinking with their friends. They also share with us their joy of getting accepted into college, or doing well in a race, or ....

If you are not prepared to be inconvenienced, don't have children. If you remember that the universe is mostly empty space, but you appreciate the stars, then go for it. Totally worth it. I've got a 17 and a 19 year old, so I've got a pretty solid idea of what it's about.

Parenthood is rewarding but it's also hard work. The first child is a shock to the system for parents, at least it was for me after 20+ years of self-absorption.

It is rewarding immediately then you go go through constant stages of new milestones that eventually lead to creating an independent person.

Compare it to running if you want.

Running is tiring. It would be so much easier to not run and it would really free up time, too.

But the reward to running is way below the reward of having your own child.

a panther! wrote:

he sounds so tired and looks awful whenever I see him. He barely sleeps, has trouble juggling work, and is constantly busy.

Cosleeping/breastfeeding, for some, solves such issues. My wife barely woke up--and I missed no sleep whatsoever (no daddy-duty bottles, etc.).

Not a big fan of "babies," but I did my part. First smile was a big revelation; once they could speak (and later, run) it became glorious. Seriously. Oh, they're pains, all right, but sparkling conversationalists with real insight (unencumbered by social niceties and preconceived notions).

One other observation: Helping collect my elderly mother-in-law from phys rehab, got to listen to a man lament that his greatest regret was that he'd never had children. He was very alone--and lonely. Just sayin'.

My kid was a terrible sleeper as a baby. My wife ended up co-sleeping with him so he could nurse every few hours without crying. I slept in another room because our bed was not big enough to fit the three of us.

If you are at a place in your life where you no longer have to go out and party on the weekend and do not care whether you see the latest comic book movie when it comes out, then having a kid is a great adventure. Women do go nuts, but it is manageable with a lot of patience.

Got it, these things sound awesome to be honest, sounds like it gets better.

Philosophical question to throw out there since someone made the point that is a shock to the system and you lose an element of self absorption.

What if you were a brilliant scientist and you had the ability to cure cancer or some terrible disease. This would require you to work 16 hours a day but you were passionate about medicine and loved every minute in the lab. At age 30 or 35 (whenever) you have the opportunity to have a child however it will take away from work and you won't be able to find that cure. What would you chose - what is really more self absorbing? You would be able to help way more people than just 1 child.

I say that because it does irk me a bit when people talk about having children like it is some selfless act when I would argue in some cases it is a bit self serving. Seeing people grow and smile and graduate college seems awesome and that is a very noble thing to do but I am not sure everyone really thinks like this. We all know there are a lot of crappy parents out there.

I am using extreme examples admittedly but you can't tell me with a straight face that someone like Kim Kardashian isn't using her child as a prop for a photoshoot. Now this again is an extreme example but I know for a fact some people think like this (see how many baby photos are on facebook).

Anyone who says having a baby is rewarding/fun/amazing is COMPLETE LIAR. Some days it is - but most days it's a constant battle to keep up with feeding, sleeping, play, worry. It's the most stressful thing in the world. Person who commented about a 26 and 29 year old is a liar and has 26 years of repressing all the lost sleep and crying. NOTHING will shake your hold on life like a SCREAMING baby. NOTHING. Baby crying is legit the most over powering, all consuming sound in the history of the universe. It can't be ignored and just when you think it's at it's loudest it gets louder. Pretty sure Navy Seals Training uses baby crying as a method to stress out the entrants at night and keep them awake.

hmmm..... wrote:

Children help to remind us that the world doesn't revolve around us, and that there are more important things than out own comfort and convenience.

The world doesn't revolve around us, just around what is literally the clone we chose to make of our own self.

Have kids if you wish, but let's not delude ourselves that this is some altruistic act that is paving the way to enlightenment.

I have three kids and each of them rocked my world in a different way. Very hard work, and just exhausting, but worth it by 100x.

Your running will take a hit, always does, but you'll get it back.

I should also say that sometimes a guy will complain to his buddies as a kind of catharsis, so don't take it all as gospel.

I am raising my children to be soldiers of good and kindness. We need people to have children who will contribute. It is a very important mission. Teach your children well. The future is in their hands. It is up to Gen X and Millennials to raise a generation to save the world. God knows our predecessors have done a HORRIBLE job.

Peace, Love, Patience, Respect. Pass it on and pay it forward.

Spent an hour chasing my 3 year old around the yard in the dark last night. She couldn't stop laughing from the joy of running. For a goddamn hour. In the dark.

Yeah, kids are terrible.

I have two kids. I love them, and I am happier now than before I had them.

That said, having kids makes absolutely no sense on paper. It saps your resources huge, and also saps the planet's resources. Query as well whether it makes sense to bring a kid into a world that is this broken.

So, my takeaway is that logic is overridden by the biological need to keep the species alive, but it is pretty awesome regardless.

Yes, but the person who cures cancer is also someone's child. Someone had to give birth to that genius.

In fact, North West may be the scientist to do that (large odds against it).

I also think that parents have more at stake in the future. More incentive to do great things for the sake of future generations.

And there are terrible parents, yes. More of a reason for good, smart people to reproduce (see: Idiocracy).

GuyWithAKid wrote:

Anyone who says having a baby is rewarding/fun/amazing is COMPLETE LIAR. Some days it is - but most days it's a constant battle to keep up with feeding, sleeping, play, worry. It's the most stressful thing in the world. Person who commented about a 26 and 29 year old is a liar and has 26 years of repressing all the lost sleep and crying. NOTHING will shake your hold on life like a SCREAMING baby. NOTHING. Baby crying is legit the most over powering, all consuming sound in the history of the universe. It can't be ignored and just when you think it's at it's loudest it gets louder. Pretty sure Navy Seals Training uses baby crying as a method to stress out the entrants at night and keep them awake.

I am not trying to insult you, but maybe you should get some counseling. I am serious. I have three kids and they have all strengthened my faith in life. Are there stressful times? Hell yes. Are their nights when I'm up and like WTF? Yes, but the will to love is much greater.

I'm not sure how you can say that "Anyone who says having a baby is rewarding/fun/amazing is COMPLETE LIAR." That makes me sad.

Look into counseling and see if it can help. Best wishes and much love to you.

When my son was about three he wrote a letter about "Dad" and how great I was. I'ts still taped on the back of my closet door and I can't pass it without reading and smiling. He's 16 now. That's what is great about kids.

This is a terrific post! Thank you.

What I have found is that babies vary a LOT in difficulty. All will require being inconvenienced. Some are easy. Some will put you at the breaking point crying for hours on end. The strain it puts on your life varies wildly.

So take all advice with a grain of salt. People will say that it's all fun/rewarding with just some inconvenience. Others will say that it sucks bad, and that anyone saying otherwise is a liar. Neither is wrong as that may very well have been their experience, but don't let that shape your expectations.

People also tend to only talk about the positives and that creates false expectations and disillusionment. "Oh, you're having a baby! It's such an amazing experience, you'll love it". That's all we heard. Our baby turned out to be a very difficult one. Only then, when we sought advice about how to cope, did those same people admit that many times in the first few months it's not much fun at all.

Most people only talk about the positives because they've seen the fruits of their labor. They think of the things kids do at older than 2-3 months (See post by shhh.... and others here). But at first all you do is take care of something that can't yet reciprocate any kind of connection, not even a smile. It's hard for a first time parent with a particularly difficult baby to see the light at the end of the tunnel in those beginning months. It's a short period though, so it's manageable, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

So everyone bashing people admitting that it sucked for them, don't be so quick to judge. 1) they are most likely only talking about the very beginning stages, and 2) their experience might be vastly different than yours.

The universal opinion though is that it is wort it and highly rewarding in the end.