The details aren't important, but basically I experienced abuse and abandonment from everyone who was supposed to love me, and so my ability to form bonds with people failed to develop properly. Besides that, I learned to rely on myself for pretty much everything, so I don't really ever depend on anyone. Needless to say, this has caused me a lot of trouble in my romantic life as it makes sustaining any kind of serious relationship impossible. Because I don't form bonds with people, I'm mostly indifferent to relationships and don't miss people when they're gone. If a person screws up, a lot of times I just think, "Oh, well, I don't really want to deal with that again, so I'll just end the relationship." My partners also never feel appreciated, even when things are going well because I'm so emotionally traumatized that I don't really experience love or affection like most people. I've dated two girls who I believe genuinely loved me, but I felt mostly indifferent to them a lot of the time, and it actually made me uncomfortable when they looked at me in a way that conveyed their deep love for me. It's like I don't have the capacity process "being loved" for lack of a better explanation.
I have finally started to understand all this and recognize I need professional help, but I thought I'd also come here just to chat with a diverse group of folks who might be able to give share some examples or experiences. If I was traumatized as a child, can I ever re-program my brain to experience bonding and long-lasting love? FWIW, I'm 28. Longest relationship has been 9 months. I'm single (by choice) most of the time, but I am pretty sure I want a wife and kids eventually. I just know I don't currently have the tools to make that happen.