Married Guys: When does the urge to see other women go away

Never.

When you are 25, and your wife is young and hot, she satisfies your needs. When you are 35, and she gets "tired" and quite possibly a little chubby, those 25 year olds will look goooood!

When you are 45, the 35 and 25 will look great, and often times, the wife does not. It all depends on the wifey. Does she take care of herself? Does she keep it tight and looking good? Do you stay fit? Do you keep yourself fit and looking good?

I can tell you, if you stay fit, women notice. If you have a wife at home who does not, well... temptation will always be there.

I'm 34 (married 3.5 years) and don't have any urge to be with other women. But, I'm more than happy to look at them.

Shortly after you die

After I stopped running competitive in college I have worked very hard in the weight room to be a respectable weight with muscle in the right places (about 175 - 180 lbs at 6 foot 3). Take extremely good care of myself and eat a very protein rich diet. It is pretty hard for me to look fat since I am also tall.

XY wrote:

Shortly after you die

Wrong.

Long after I'm dead my corpse will be humping the newly dead hotties.

The urge never goes away, but one must make a conscious decision to trade one freedom for another. Basically, you will trade freedom for the desire to procreate in a finanancially responsible manner. Marriage exists for the benefit of the children and to keep yourself disease free. But only you can choose when that time is appropriate. Here is the best piece of advice I have read over the years:

Here's my advice to you: don't marry until you can tell yourself that you've done all you could, and until you've stopped loving the women you've chosen, until you see her clearly, otherwise you'll be cruelly and irremediably mistaken. Marry when you're old and good for nothing...Otherwise all that's good and lofty in you will be lost.”

― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace

brofest333 wrote:

Married guys. I am 25, and had a serious girlfriend for 3 years steaming from college. By the end I just was so bored with only being with 1 woman. Things got old, things got boring. There was nothing new or sexy or exciting. This largely was a sign we probably shouldn't date anymore but I also felt the exact same thing from an earlier relationship. Now I just want to go on as many dates as possible, see and meet as many women as possible. It isn't even a sexual thing, I just got bored with being with one person all the time. The thing is we had great chemistry too, she was hilarious and never got mad.

So married guys does this feeling of wanting to be around other women sort of just fade in your mid 30s? It definitely hasn't changed at 25.

It sounds to me like maybe you guys didn't actually have a ton in common. I have met many people in long term relationships who think they're supposed to be together but who are not at all right for each other. Personally, when I'm around people (and women) who I get along with great AND who I have a lot in common with (outlook on life, interests, hobbies, sense of humor, etc), the fun times are endless. If I found myself with a girl like that I would have no desire to ditch the relationship for anything, though of course my eyes would still stray.

I recently got out of a 9 month relationship with a girl who was reasonably smart, very nice, and low-maintenance. I do not miss the relationship at all though because I couldn't go hiking with her, watch movies with her, or talk about any book I was reading with her. Those are three pretty big things. I mean, if you're married, you're going to spend a lot of time watching TV and movies together. Hiking is a huge part of my life. If I can't take a girl hiking with me, we're going to be spending a lot of weekends apart. I read every day and read really interesting and thought-provoking stuff, so if I can't even give a 5 minute synopsis of a 400 page book with you without you staring blankly at me and then talking about your friend's dog, I don't think the relationship is destined for greatness.

In your example, it sounds like you guys got along great, had fun with sex, etc, but weren't really compatible beyond that, and when you're looking for a "soul mate" or "life partner," you need to be seriously compatible in a few different ways.

I'm 25, single, never married and have only had a few serious relationships though, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Interesting post. However, since you're only 25, I wouldn't put too much stock in what you wrote.

I've been married a long time, and the urge to have sex with other women has never gone away. I'm in my 50's. But I learned long before I was married that actions are very powerful. I've never stepped outside of marriage mainly because that action would bring many probable futures into play that I don't want to experience or have my wife experience, like the worst case scenarios of a Fatal Attraction, divorce, my wife feeling extremely hurt and violated, losing her trust, STD's, and feeling guilty. Every action we make in the present changes the future. There are places I want to go, and places I don't. Fantasy and a willing wife is a married man's godsend.

28 and married.

The urge to look will always be there. Males of most species, even those that have monogamous pairings, are biologically programmed to have wandering lusts. There is actually a change in the brain chemistry of men's sexual response to familiar partners compared to unfamiliar ones. I don't believe you ever get that "new car feeling" again.

I definitely believe the trade-off is worth it. I have been married for about 4 years and the "lust factor" was gone after maybe a year. But that has been replaced by a very deep relationship with my wife that is closer than any other relationship I've had. We've recently had a daughter which adds a new level to my life that wasn't there before.

To be ready for marriage IMO, two things must be true:

1. You've got to believe that you've found the one worth having. Don't rush it with someone who doesn't fit. That's why I don't believe there is a "right" age.

2. Mentally, you need to be ready to commit to one partner for the long haul, and your life visions should be pretty compatible.

If my life were forked in two at 24 (when we were married), I fully believe the married path I'm on is the happier one. That fork comes at different ages for different folks.

I will say I believe that waaaay to many men forsake a good, deep relationship with one woman to chase weekend tail. Perhaps I'm inclined to view things that way because it was never something I was that interested in.

Here's the thing about marriage.

When I got married 20+ years ago, I made this promise:

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

It doesn't matter whether I have had any urges or not. I keep my promises. Until you're ready to do the same, don't get married.

well.... wrote:

Here's the thing about marriage.

When I got married 20+ years ago, I made this promise:

I, (name), take you, (name), to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.

It doesn't matter whether I have had any urges or not. I keep my promises. Until you're ready to do the same, don't get married.

Good call.

I love to look at women--love it--and that includes my wife most of all. I can't imagine sleeping with anyone else, though, after 26 years.

Somebody out there said didn't have a ton in common. Would like to refute that, had almost exact same taste in everything especially on political and religious views. We loved the same movies, restaurants, and she was 100% my type. I just felt like there was nothing new to explore, no more challenges, it was like after 3 years we ran out of conversations. Had I popped the question then we would have had a wedding to plan, then from their kids etc. It seems like to make up for eventually running out of stuff to talk about people insert these major catalysts into their lives (the ultimate being kids) to keep relationships going.

There was no more like meet a 5 star hotel bar, get some sexy drink like a bourbon on the rocks and go to back to room and bang. That seems way more appealing to me than setting up some nursery.

Get married when all your other options have failed. That's what it's there for.

Could you imagine having sex with someone other than your wife?

There's an old saying that some guy out there tired of sleeping with (fill in your super model here). The desire to be with other beautiful women never goes away.

However the desire to put in the time, energy and money does.

Men live shallow lives driven by their witless male members.

Sounds like you guys are just boring and stupid I guess. Keep your body and mind active, have new experiences, and you will never run out of new things to talk about.

In any case, sounds like either you're not the marriage type or you made a big mistake. Personally I decided to play the field through my early and mid 20s, but I admit I wouldn't mind having a girl I really enjoyed and could share my life with. Turns out finding one who fits is extremely difficult (for me anyway).

eriq wrote:

Could you imagine having sex with someone other than your wife?

Fantasy? Of course.

In real life? Not really, to be honest with you. I'm very used to her, very comfortable, very secure. Only a lot of time will get you that, and that's worthwhile to me. Other people may feel differently.