Boyfriend went to an all night party and now can't make it to lunch with my parents. How do I deal with this?

Yes, I'm going to bring that up with him, why couldn't he just sleep a few hours and then go. I suspect that as I said above, he didn't want to be a zombie in front of them.

In the past, when he's come for lunch, it has been a few hours that included socializing... it would have probably been that way today too, not just a 1 hour affair because my brother and his girlfriend are also coming.

I made an excuse to my mother that he wasn't feeling well/is sick and is trying to rest up. She suggested him coming for dinner and she could have soup ready, or for lunch tomorrow since it's a holiday. Not sure I want to try to appear relaxed in front of my parents when I'm still annoyed at him.

Anyway I am going to have a serious talking to with him about it. Not sure if I want to do it tonight or wait until tomorrow or even Tuesday. I know that if I don't contact him or respond to his messages when he wakes up, he's going to be calling me/trying to get back in touch, so I'll have to bring it up at some point.

I'm not going to raise my voice but I am definitely upset about it and that's something I'm going to bring up with him. I'm not thinking about breaking up with him over this right now but based on his reaction and/or if it happens again, I definitely will. Talk is cheap, sure he'll say he might do better or he'll try to make it up to me but I don't know what to tell him for "what he can do to make it up to me."

Just be direct and calmly tell him that he f*cked up and should have gone to bed earlier out of respect for your parents/his boyfriend obligations and move on. It's not that big of a deal but you can still be mad about it (dude should have been able to push through the pain and get to lunch) and he should feel compelled to make it up to you somehow. Don't cut off contact like a five year old.

That is what I was thinking. I know some posters here said to cut off contact for a few days but that seems immature.

I'll bring it up that he should have either gone to bed earlier or just gotten up anyway and come. I'll give it a day before having the conversation so I'm more composed, planning to convey how disappointed I am.

He did say "let me know if there's any way I can make this up to you" but I don't really know what to say to that.

Let me tell you that if you invited me out with your parents I would be honored and take it semi seriously mostly focusing on the fact of just being there with your family.

I dont know your boyfriend, his priorities and his value system but I dont know if I would ever cancel on a significant other six hours in advance due to lack of sleep and alcohol. If I were in his shoes Id wake up after a few hours, go for a jog, get some sleep, clean up, meet with you and your parents for a sunday brunch and then try to take you home with me for a sunday nap. All good things.

In every obstacle there lies an opportunity. This young man flaked due to a self induced form of uncertainty and his absence will make you feel bad with your parents today. I understand because a girlfriend did that to me on my birthday once and then stopped talking for the day because I called her out and she didnt want to deal with it.

Dont break up with him yet and be careful not to charge at him with anger. Ignore confrontation this time and call it STRIKE ONE. But if he does it again STRIKE THREE and throw him out because he should be sharing time with you and honoring his committment on plans.

Runnergrl wrote:

Go to your parents by yourself. Tell them he is sick. This is the truth.

Don’t talk to him for a few days. He put you in an awkward position. Have a talk with him when you cool off.

If he does it again drop him.

What does not talking to him for several days accomplish? The silent treatment is how teenagers handle things. When you are married with kids, you need to express disappointment better than that. I'ts not healthy just to ignore you spouse for several days. The kids will be thinking, 'WTF.'

"Guy in late 20s" and "rojo," you both summed up my thoughts on this.

How would you say is the best way to have this discussion and express disappointment? It hasn't happened too often over the course of our relationship but it's something that should be addressed/nipped in the bud right now.

annoyed girlfriend wrote:

Original plan was to leave around 10:30 to go there... I thought we could even move it back until 11 or 11:30 but he's sleeping right now so there's no way to confirm except that his text before sleeping where he didn't think he could make it.

There is a way to confirm - wake him up.

And do people not talk anymore? I get the convenience of text but shouldn't he have called you about this?

I could give him a call about it... except I feel like him coming to my parents for dinner or lunch tomorrow doesn't give us a chance to talk about how disappointed I am. And it means I will have to appear cheery in front of my parents, while still being upset.

He usually does call for things like this, except he sent the texts in the early hours of the morning when I was still asleep.

annoyed girlfriend wrote:

I agree... that's something I will bring up to him, that it wouldn't be all that hard to have just slept for a few hours, then get up and go to lunch and sleep afterwards. He does tend to not do well with poor sleep though, and I know in the past he's tried to be good about that (getting enough sleep, etc.) before meeting my parents so that he makes a good impression and doesn't seem too tired..

No. If he stayed out until 6 and is still hammered drunk, he made the right call to skip the 11 am brunch. You don't want him there sweating and smelling like booze.

rojo wrote:

Runnergrl wrote:

Go to your parents by yourself. Tell them he is sick. This is the truth.

Don’t talk to him for a few days. He put you in an awkward position. Have a talk with him when you cool off.

If he does it again drop him.

What does not talking to him for several days accomplish? The silent treatment is how teenagers handle things. When you are married with kids, you need to express disappointment better than that. I'ts not healthy just to ignore you spouse for several days. The kids will be thinking, 'WTF.'

They are both in their 20s. Not married and no kids. Don't you read your own site?

annoyed girlfriend wrote:

Not an elaborate troll.

I am planning to tell him how disappointed I am (without raising my voice). Breaking off contact seems a little immature though. You mean the "silent treatment"?

Yes that is a good plan in my opinion. I do not see it as immature. He disrespected you and your parents. He behaved in a childish way. You should spend a few days away from him to decide what you want to do, and whether this young man is fit to be with.

I think you should go to lunch/dinner by yourself and not call him or text this morning. The reason is if he doesnt respond you are going to pile on more frustration and anger for you. Try as best you can to focus on other things so you can be as care free as possible with your parents. Your parents will already know youre disappointed because theyre your parents.

Your parents won’t care. He’s just another past relationship.

Yes I'm not planning to contact him. I suspect after he wakes up he'll try to contact me via phone/text, but I need to think about this and have this discussion in person.

I made up an excuse to my parents that he's not feeling well/sick. My brother and his girlfriend will also be there so I'll just be chatting with them. I hate lying to them, but what can you do...

A few thoughts:

1) Do you think it is possible that he is on his way to alcoholism or already there? Maybe a drug problem that he has been hiding? If he had 12 beers and was snorting coke until 7 AM, he was toast and a few hours of sleep wouldn’t have helped much or even been possible. This could be an early sign of such things.

2) Is he a night owl who works an unconventional job? If he regularly gets up at 7 AM for work, lunch on Sundays shouldn’t be a problem of course. If he regularly gets up at 2 PM and works until early morning, that makes a difference.

3) Is it possible that he dreads spending time with your family and isn’t comfortable saying so?

I would have a very private conversation with him about these possibilities if they may apply. Prioritizing this lunch with your family is obviously “being a decent boyfriend 101” type stuff that he should thoroughly understand by his late 20s. That is why my spidey sense tells me that something more is going on.

Pics?

You can go about this two ways?

OPTION 1: Blow this sh!t up.

He cheated. And even if he didn’t, he doesn’t care about you or your parents. Bye-bye.

OPTION 2: Let it go.

Tell your parents he’s not feeling well (not a lie). Let it go and move on.

annoyed girlfriend wrote:

I tried to make up some excuse that he was working late and so it might be hard for him to come. My mom said 12 isn't too late and I waffled on a response. She asked if he could come to dinner, but I can't confirm that because he's sleeping right now.

.

No mom of a girl you’re dating would every say that. This gave you away.

And if this was real you’d be over at his house banging on the door to see if he’s with another girl. Just sayin’

At first I assumed this was a post from someone in High School. But then I read that you were in your 20's.

Communication is the number one factor in a relationship. How people resolve conflicts is THE biggest determinant of whether a relationship lasts. You need to be 100% open and honest with him about how you feel about this and the position he put you in. Do not silently pout for a few days like some people are recommending. That sets a bad pattern.

The fact that he couldn't think at even 2am to stop what he was doing to keep his commitment with you is a little concerning. That is irresponsible and shows lack of impulse control. That said, people make mistakes and how he handles this with you and if he learns from this will be key. This could end up bringing you all closer if things are talked about openly.

How long have you all been together? You do talk about how he hasn't flaked like this before so I assume you have known him at least a year?

Does he have any social anxieties? He may not be a flake, he could just be anxious about seeing your parents (even if he has briefly met them before) and isn't being open about it.

Anyway, good luck.