Need advice......My wife has asked for a divorce after 8 years & we have 2 Kids

Small package

I'd do anything you can to save it.

I'll get to how in a minute, but first I'll address what to do if you ARE going through a divorce. Do not agree to ANYTHING without attorney advice. I say this for your sake and the your kids sake. Paying a bit on legal advice now will save you A LOT in the future, and may save your kids A LOT in the future. Let me re-iterate, get a good lawyer and do not agree to ANYTHING without the attorney advising on it. Being nice in actual divorce proceedings may only hurt you financially, and hurt the kids financially (if your wife doesn't manage money well post divorce) in the end. Get a good attorney and get your advice on divorce proceedings from them, not from letsrun. I'd say good legal advice on a divorce is way more valuable than say saving for kids college at this point.

But, by far the better option is not getting a divorce if there is any chance to make things work.

Do the following to save your divorce:

- Get into family counseling, with your without your wife.

- Do NOT act sad about the divorce, or complain about it, absolutely do not show any depressed feelings about it to your wife.

- Instead, be the best person you can. Look your best, show the most confidence, and go the absolute 110% on showing you are the best dad. Put down your phone, internet etc, and commit to spending times with your kids. Dress nicely around her. Present yourself as you would want to around any prospective woman.

- Never blame your wife for the divorce. When it is discussed, only ask what YOU could have done better. Apologize, and rather than just say you'll change, do everything possible over the next several months to be that person. But do this with confidence and show strength. Bite your tongue and only show positive attitude towards her.

- Do not "court" your wife in a romantic way, court her by showing you are doing everything you can to make her life easier in a non-romantic way. The romantic feelings will come eventually on their own, but they can't be forced at this point. But you CAN show how much she needs you in a non-romantic way. Never TELL her how much she needs you, (AND THIS NEXT PIECE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT) just demonstrate at all times how you make her life easier (around the house, around her schedule etc). Do this ALL OUT. Stop the running for the time being and replace it with house chores, helping with the kids, etc etc. Do everything you can in your available time to make her life better in a non-romantic way.

- When it feels right, you should compliment her in non-romantic ways. Show how much you are impressed and in support of her home business. Do all you can to make her feel good in non-romantic ways. This way it doesn't make it feel like you are trying to save things if you really want out, and turns her off further, but just makes her feel good.

Divorces take a while, and if you do all the above right 110% going forward, she'll have second thoughts, romance might eventually come back in, and I'd say chances are well more than 50% that by the time you'd have been divorced then you'll be back together. Remember, you have a huge advantage of any other prospective partner she might either be thinking of or making up in her head. You're the father of her kids, you have years of memories (good and bad, you're still a piece of what makes her her at this point) and you have the most access to her on a daily basis. These are huge advantages to prove to her that non-romantically you're far and away her best option in life. For most women just that feeling is what help then drive romantic feelings (why money, power, etc are all attractive to women).

Make the absolute most of it and there is no chance she wouldn't want to stay with you.

The bad news is if you divorce, she's getting half of whatever you have and you will have to pay child support and spousal support to keep her in the lifestyle she now has.

My advice: Find the best attorney you can for the money and fight it out like hell.

Everything you've acquired since you got married (regardless of who's name it's in) will be classified as "marital assets". This includes your house, 401k, pension, whatever. That will be divided equally.

I think there is an online calculator for how much "support" aka alimony you will have to pay her in the state of Colorado. I believe the term is half the length of your marriage. So, you will owe her support for 4 years.

Actually, here is a calculator.

https://cossittfamilylaw.com/divorce/maintenance-alimony-calculator/

As for child expenses, I don't know how that works. I think there is a worksheet on it here:

https://childsupport.state.co.us/siteuser/do/vfs/Frag?file=/cm:calcPayments.jsp

Unless you are a horrible father, and there's some evidence that shows you're a horrible father, I think it is unlikely that she will be able to force you to let her take the kids out of state.

If you're amicable, you should start with a mediator. They are cheaper than lawyers and can guide you through the easy parts that you agree on. If you get stuck on an issue with the mediator, you can lawyer up.

If you aren't amicable, you probably should lawyer up immediately to start protecting yourself. You shouldn't be promising her anything about cars and 401k's without the advice of the mediator.

Don't play nice guy wrote:

Get a good lawyer and fight her or you'll regret it later. She needs to get a real job and stop being a parasite.

+1

This.

Hook up with an experienced older male lawyer whos seen it all before.

Dont be vindictive, sounds like youre not, cuz thats when things go off the rails, but stand up to her.

Get a lawyer.

Figure out worst case scenario for expenses going forward with child support and maintenance, and adjust your budget accordingly. You will likely be surprised how well you can live as a single man on even a modest income. Women are responsible for about 80% of consumer spending.

Fight for the best custody/visitation arrangement you can get. Being the best father you can be given the circumstances is your most important task going forward, along with taking care of your own health and wellness.

Don’t get discouraged. You are still young, and should be hitting your SMV prime soon. Your wife will be a single mom on a collision course with the Wall. Not so good for her.

DON’T EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN.

Of all the places you could have gone for marriage advice, you chose a running forum??

There must be over 3/4 of the world who come from divorced parents. It is not such a big deal anymore. Only kids who are messed up are the ones parents put in the middle of the fight. Oh! and by the way, mom will get whatever she wants... even if she takes the kids out of state.

Roll the dice dude, you loose.

Financially, you are screwed....

Don't play nice guy wrote:

Get a good lawyer and fight her or you'll regret it later. She needs to get a real job and stop being a parasite.

This is the worst advice on this thread. If she gets a lawyer, you also get a lawyer asap. If she doesnt, dont get one.

What you are offering is like absolute best case scenario, maybe not even that. Its completely unfair, but the way courts will see it, you have gone off to work, neglecting your family, while your wife slaved away as a stay at home mom. Because she stepped up and took care of the kids alone, she should be entitled to majority custody. Because she was forced to give up the career path, due to raising the children that you have basically abandoned, she is entitled to have you to continue to support her and the children. Everything you have accumulated, was because you didnt have to worry about your family. She'll get 60% custody, 1500 a month in child support, until the kids finish college and 1000 in alimony for 10 years.

Please read that twice... .... basically, do anything you can to avoid involving the court. Even after you get it all settled, she may come back with a lawyer later. It may be worth it to get a lawyer but not let her know about it

OP, your first mistake- you married too young. A man should wait until he's at least 30 yrs old to tie the knot. Now with 2 kids, alimony and child support on the way, you're gonna get screwed, big time. Get a lawyer, NOW.

You missed and/or ignored the warning signs when you were dating and thought that you could adjust after the marriage. Too late- it took a 34 yr old man that u are today to realize how wrong you were at 26.

You'll basically split everything you have 50/50 from the time you were married. She'll certainly get 50% of your 401K. You'll also have to pay child support until the kids are at least 18, roughly 17% of income per child.

You also don't have a choice where your wife chooses to live. The fact that you think you do could be one of the problems in your marriage.

She also can try to get some sort of alimony payments from you. Her lawyer will make the argument that while you were off making money and advancing your career for yourself she was stuck at home making the sacrifices to raise the family you two share. I would get as much documentation that you can for your wife's income, especially if it is under the table. This could help offset some of the alimony you could be expected to pay.

I personally think you need to decide how you want to approach this. You can try to please your wife and make this as painless as possible for all of you, or you can go in it hard, hire the best attorney you can, and make life difficult for her. The second will undoubtedly have a negative effect on your children but some people decide they don't really care about that and go that route.

Does the ~25k she makes annually go into a private account? Maybe she's been saving for this...

Bolded text above tells me everything I need to know about you. Namely, you don't know what the F you are talking about.

OP is married for 10 years. Will be on the hook for alimony for half of that or 4 years - possibly less.

If you haven’t noticed, this forum is filled with washed up, cynical men who have been put through the romantic ringer far too many times. Posters here have accumulated a ton of relevant experience and collective knowledge on failed marriages and general loneliness.

Carry on sad ones

Someone was bound to marry this woman and end up in your situation. Unfortunately, that was you. Counselling may work, but it sounds like your wife has already made up her mind. Lawyer up.

"Its cheaper to keep her". That being said, if thats not an option then get the best Lawyer you can afford. You get what you pay for, and believe me, I have experience in this. I had a lousy one and ended up paying over 100K in child support/alimony........and this was only from the ages of 12 through 18. Also, my current wife, who is divorced was prohibited in living any further than 20 miles from her ex, as they shared custody. So if one wanted to move, the other had to also agree to move or they could not. And don't agree to anything, without consulting said lawyer. You MUST be a jerk, or you'll get screwed.

You got me. I dont know the specifics, but the general sentiment is accurate. OP thinks hes going to tell his wife what she will get and if she doesnt like it, she can fight him in court..... he will not come out ahead by going to court

OP, there's some good advice in here, and some bad advice in here....but are you okay? Do you have a support network of friends/family around you? Reach out to real people who will listen instead of giving advice.

now here's my 2 cents

After watching marriages of other people dissolve around me, including my parents':

- the initiator is usually dissatisfied with themselves, not the other person, whether or not you can see that now

- kids will be affected for the rest of their lives because of their parents decision and it will impact their ability to maintain constructive relationships because they'll think it's their fault (even if you end up with a stupid future step mother who was the cause of the split and is only 7 years older than you)

- everything will get better

(also get a lawyer - before making any further agreements - to give you valid advice, whether you decide to act on it or not)