To answer the original question, I would decline to be an alternate groomsman. That is beyond tacky to ask someone to do that. If it is that big of a deal tell him to pay for it.
To answer the original question, I would decline to be an alternate groomsman. That is beyond tacky to ask someone to do that. If it is that big of a deal tell him to pay for it.
mellow seeds wrote:
Guys World wrote:
Now THIS is definitely a girl thing. Most guys have a tuxedo, yet so many brides think the groomsmen need to have the EXACT same tuxedo, so they insist on renting 3,5,10 of the same. So dumb. Unless someone has a midnight blue or velvet tux, it really looks better to let everyone have their own personal details. I put my foot down at my wedding and just said, “this is stupid. You couldn’t even tell me how my friends’ tuxedos are different if your life depended on it.”
Young guys, if you’re asked to rent a tuxedo, go to Jos Bank and buy one. It’s about the same cost and you’ll wear it 100 times.
This is lousy advice. I have been a groomsman in four weddings over the last 3 years and we wore suits, not tuxedos in every one of them, usually navy or gray. I would have looked like a fool if I insisted in wearing my own black tux.
Okay, clearly I didn't explain myself well enough...
Here is what I was advising: If you are asked to rent a crappy tux from a tux rental place... it makes more sense to buy one from a semi-cheap men's shop like Jos Bank and spend about the same amount of money. I wasn't recommending Jos Bank as the best place to rent a tux. They have a slim-fit travelers tuxedo on sale like once a month and it is about as simple as can be. Better quality than a plastic rental tux and not much more expensive. It is a good tux to have for formal events over the next ten years. When you're 30-35 years old, you can get a nicer tuxedo.
Why in the world would you wear a tuxedo when you're asked to wear a suit. I was not implying that at all. I meant when the bride asks the guys to rent black tuxedos. My point was that if one guy has a notch lapel and the other has a peak lapel, it really doesn't make too much of a difference. Because apparently it needs to be said: never wear a tuxedo if you're asked to get a navy suit or gray suit.
Tough crowd around here.
I would honestly laugh at the suggestion. It's utterly ridiculously how concerned people are with the image from their wedding day, like looking at those perfectly staged photos years into the future will determine their long term happiness.
I would tell him that you'll fill in as a groomsman if it's necessary st the wedding and wear whatever suit you were going to wear, but you will not rent or buy a tux for the occasion. Wtf is this crap.
Guys World wrote:
mellow seeds wrote:
This is lousy advice. I have been a groomsman in four weddings over the last 3 years and we wore suits, not tuxedos in every one of them, usually navy or gray. I would have looked like a fool if I insisted in wearing my own black tux.
Okay, clearly I didn't explain myself well enough...
Here is what I was advising: If you are asked to rent a crappy tux from a tux rental place... it makes more sense to buy one from a semi-cheap men's shop like Jos Bank and spend about the same amount of money. I wasn't recommending Jos Bank as the best place to rent a tux. They have a slim-fit travelers tuxedo on sale like once a month and it is about as simple as can be. Better quality than a plastic rental tux and not much more expensive. It is a good tux to have for formal events over the next ten years. When you're 30-35 years old, you can get a nicer tuxedo.
Why in the world would you wear a tuxedo when you're asked to wear a suit. I was not implying that at all. I meant when the bride asks the guys to rent black tuxedos. My point was that if one guy has a notch lapel and the other has a peak lapel, it really doesn't make too much of a difference. Because apparently it needs to be said: never wear a tuxedo if you're asked to get a navy suit or gray suit.
Tough crowd around here.
I made the buy instead of rent decision at a friend's wedding a few years back, and I wholeheartedly endorse it. You'll spend a bit more money, but you'll end up with a well-fitting tux that's tailored to your specific body. Even if the tux is from a cheaper brand than the rental, it will look better because it's new, fits, and hasn't been hemmed 50 times. You'll save money in the long run, and you likely won't wear it enough to require replacing it.
Alternate Groomsman wrote:
Recently one of the people I have lived with in college and who stood up in my wedding 2 months ago asked me to be an “Alternate Groomsman.” This means if one of the “Official Groomsmen” (and yes that IS what they are being called) “can’t make it or perform his “official duties” I will be called up to fill in.
I have been asked to rent the same tux BUT NOT WEAR IT TO THE WEDDING “out of respect “ unless I am given “official status.”
Is this a new thing?
The groom is one of my best friends and I feel a little slighted. My wife says we should just skip the whole thing.
10/10 ... best troll in years!
Guys World wrote:Young guys, if you’re asked to rent a tuxedo, go to Jos Bank and buy one. It’s about the same cost and you’ll wear it 100 times.I'm 53. I own four nice Italian suits, one of which is black and can pass as a near equivalent of a tux in a pinch. I've worn a tux two times in my life: once for my wedding, and once for my brother's wedding. I would never consider buying myself a tux unless some major life change forced me to need to own one.
Alternate Groomsman wrote:
Recently one of the people I have lived with in college and who stood up in my wedding 2 months ago asked me to be an “Alternate Groomsman.” This means if one of the “Official Groomsmen” (and yes that IS what they are being called) “can’t make it or perform his “official duties” I will be called up to fill in.
I have been asked to rent the same tux BUT NOT WEAR IT TO THE WEDDING “out of respect “ unless I am given “official status.”
Is this a new thing?
The groom is one of my best friends and I feel a little slighted. My wife says we should just skip the whole thing.
People telling you to skip the wedding and end your friendship are overreacting. Weddings are complicated, and choosing a bridal party can be messy. You have to draw lines. People get hurt all the time. Your friend probably has a limited number of slots and feels obligated to give those slots to specific people (e.g., brothers, brothers in law, cousins, childhood friends). The fact that he's asking you to be an alternate is probably his way of trying to include you despite not having the room. If he weren't so awkward, he'd probably just explain the situation, apologize, and reinforce that he values your friendship.
In terms of how to proceed, I would thank him for thinking of you, decline the offer to be an alternate due to tux cost (the chances of a bridal party member spontaneously skipping the wedding are slim), and tell him you're looking forward to the wedding.
And honestly, if you guys truly are close, you should be able to talk about this. Tell him you understand that wedding planning is tough, but that you were hoping to be an actual groomsmen. This could clear the air and get a productive conversation started in which you learn his rationale.
samax wrote:
Guys World wrote:
Okay, clearly I didn't explain myself well enough...
Here is what I was advising: If you are asked to rent a crappy tux from a tux rental place... it makes more sense to buy one from a semi-cheap men's shop like Jos Bank and spend about the same amount of money. I wasn't recommending Jos Bank as the best place to rent a tux. They have a slim-fit travelers tuxedo on sale like once a month and it is about as simple as can be. Better quality than a plastic rental tux and not much more expensive. It is a good tux to have for formal events over the next ten years. When you're 30-35 years old, you can get a nicer tuxedo.
Why in the world would you wear a tuxedo when you're asked to wear a suit. I was not implying that at all. I meant when the bride asks the guys to rent black tuxedos. My point was that if one guy has a notch lapel and the other has a peak lapel, it really doesn't make too much of a difference. Because apparently it needs to be said: never wear a tuxedo if you're asked to get a navy suit or gray suit.
Tough crowd around here.
I made the buy instead of rent decision at a friend's wedding a few years back, and I wholeheartedly endorse it. You'll spend a bit more money, but you'll end up with a well-fitting tux that's tailored to your specific body. Even if the tux is from a cheaper brand than the rental, it will look better because it's new, fits, and hasn't been hemmed 50 times. You'll save money in the long run, and you likely won't wear it enough to require replacing it.
Thank you. That is what I meant. My father recommended this in High School because I was asked to prom by one of my older sister's friends when I was a sophomore (I was an emergency date). My dad did the quick math on renting a tux 3 times and just took me to Jos Bank to buy one on sale for $150. I wore that in High School and to a few formal events in college - probably a dozen times total - and then bought another more-fitted one when I was asked to be in a wedding in my early 20s. I wore that one more times than I can count and still have it. I recently purchased a nicer one for work-related events (I am 40).
I disagree wrote:
I'm 53. I own four nice Italian suits, one of which is black and can pass as a near equivalent of a tux in a pinch. I've worn a tux two times in my life: once for my wedding, and once for my brother's wedding. I would never consider buying myself a tux unless some major life change forced me to need to own one.
To each his own. I have worn a tux at least 50 times in my life. A black suit would make no sense for me as I don't wear black suits and I need a tux a few times a year for work and various formal events.
Honestly, I wear a tuxedo more than a normal suit. I bet your four suits are far nicer than my tuxedo, regardless. Just do what makes sense for your life.
A lot of the tux thing is related to geography. If you live in California, you'll probably never have to wear a tuxedo in your life. If you live in the south, you may need one 10 times a year. If you join a fraternity in the south, you will have a few formal events each semester. Also, most weddings in the south are after 5:30 and "require" formal wear. As I have gotten older and become involved in community/charity groups, I see that formal fundraisers are very popular in the south. It really depends on where you are in the country/world.
What we can all agree on is that they are a huge pain in the butt.
The best advice is the following.
samax wrote:
People telling you to skip the wedding and end your friendship are overreacting. Weddings are complicated, and choosing a bridal party can be messy. You have to draw lines. People get hurt all the time. Your friend probably has a limited number of slots and feels obligated to give those slots to specific people (e.g., brothers, brothers in law, cousins, childhood friends). The fact that he's asking you to be an alternate is probably his way of trying to include you despite not having the room. If he weren't so awkward, he'd probably just explain the situation, apologize, and reinforce that he values your friendship.
In terms of how to proceed, I would thank him for thinking of you, decline the offer to be an alternate due to tux cost (the chances of a bridal party member spontaneously skipping the wedding are slim), and tell him you're looking forward to the wedding.
And honestly, if you guys truly are close, you should be able to talk about this. Tell him you understand that wedding planning is tough, but that you were hoping to be an actual groomsmen. This could clear the air and get a productive conversation started in which you learn his rationale.
It's crazy that they asked you to be an alternate groosman and to rent a tux. Totally crazy. The guy should have said, "Hey you are one of my best friends. I just want you to know we don't have room for you in the official party."
Your wife is telling you to skip the wedding of one of your best friends? That's horrific advice but just shows you how crazy wedding are.
I'm concerend for you and your buddy. Yes, weddings can be stresfful but your wife's advice and whoever came up with the alternate groomsmen idea (someone guessed it was the other wife) came up with some real bad decisions.
Everyone should have a tux in case you are asked to be an alternate official at the Millrose Games.
Just go ahead and wear one of these to the wedding
Alternate senario: The wife to be doesn't like the pick of official Groomsman and told the future husband to get an alternate-Groomsman who she actually wants. He didn't agree yet. Just going with what people said about weddings making people crazy (and apparently entitled) and how weird this situation is. Maybe is the Groom who really would rather have you but can't.
Interesting that this thread Came up. Last night as I was looking at airport shuttle service to and from a wedding I am obligated to take my family to. My wife and I found some really good options. Right then my wife got a text and now I am about to be designated driver for four days! This is involves airport trips , night driving, picking up and driving of some huge rental SUV for my party of 5 my MIL and an elderly couple I don't know , in a major US city and a smaller town in a state both of which I have never been to. I actually consider this dangerous and want to go with the safer option of having someone familiar with the area the huge car drive me and my family 3 kids. I hate driving at home and was looking forward to the most relaxing trip, not being put to work. Here's the thing, I am told that I said I would do it! I have never talked to the marrying couple about the wedding let alone this kind of obligation. It's not for a friend, but family by marriage.
Trying to fix it now.
Oh man, that is terrible.
Here’s the plan, either use Uber XL or look into a black car service for the weekend. That’s literally what those things are for. Tell your wife you want to drink at the wedding events.
Oh Lord wrote:
Oh man, that is terrible.
Here’s the plan, either use Uber XL or look into a black car service for the weekend. That’s literally what those things are for. Tell your wife you want to drink at the wedding events.
My first thought was OhLord has a SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM.
Did anyone else think that?
Oh Lord wrote:
Oh man, that is terrible.
Here’s the plan, either use Uber XL or look into a black car service for the weekend. That’s literally what those things are for. Tell your wife you want to drink at the wedding events.
I'll look into those suggestions. My current solution to suggest is to take the Shuttles to and from airport and cooperate by driving a rental car in the smaller town. They say it's a hassle to get the rental to the smaller town but there are rental agencies 2O miles away or nearer. I'd still have to do night driving in the small town but I could study those trips well prior. Risk of high fatality accident and me losing my mind is less in the smaller town. I was already going to pay for the shuttles, so I will offer to pay for everyone coming and going to the airport when we are traveling that way, and maybe even get the local rental car. It actually means a lot to me to have a skilled local driver get us out of the city and to minimize taking care of the couple I don't know. Not that I don't have some will to help/compromise. Drinking doesn't mean much to me , though I do occasionally. I am supporting not celebrating this time.
I agree with most, politely decline the alternative and go to the wedding. It's clearly a bride thing, it usually is, so maybe consider an intervention because it doesn't bode well for the future. Remind him that half of these don't work out and he's on the high risk list. He won't listen of course so you may want to pass on this and just be there for him when it implodes. And regarding below, I go married later than most of my friends and we did a small wedding in Hawaii (20 yrs ago). It was amazing and we had a surprisingly good turn out. But we didn't expect anyone to come and didn't apply pressure or have any expectations, it was just something we wanted to do because, well, geesus all those weddings more the same and painful. We did use up all our frequent flyer miles getting those we wanted to make sure got their (family and besties), but it was one of my better ideas. The bride has to buy into it though, not like your friend's below...
Be a Friend; Be Honest wrote:
Don’t feel bad about saying it’s related to the cost of the tux; he needs to hear that. Even if it’s not true. People get crazy at weddings and forget that everyone else doesn’t consider it the biggest event in THEIR lives, too. I had a friend get married in the Bahamas and invite 200 people. I went with my wife, but I’d say 1/10 of our friends showed up. Bride was crying. I had to tell them that people just can’t pony up $5,000 for someone else’s wedding weekend.
I'm old and just remembered I was actually a stand in groom!
This was decades ago and an old roommate had a wedding and someone in the court couldn't make it so he asked me to do it. I was always a go-to guy so of course I did it. I recall we had tuxes but I would think renting them on a short term shouldn't be an issue. I don't recall who paid.
The whole thing is odd to me. Do they have someone on the court that is unreliable? So they want a reliable guy to back him up instead of going with the reliable guy?
Tell your buddy his fiancée is living in an alternate reality. Tell him you'll send them the bill for their wedding gift.
