Married dudes, how did you know she was "the one"?

UltraDude wrote:

PIO! wrote:

There is no such thing as "the one".

This is the right answer. Marriage is always a gamble. You never know how each of you will change over time and if those changes will result in irreconcilable differences. At a minimum I would live under the same roof for at least a year before getting married. Co-habitating the same space tends to reveal if you can tolerate each other.

Research has shown that co-habitation is ineffective at best, and harmful to the relationship at worst. Cohabitation relationships are less committed and much more likely to end in separation after they do get married. The single biggest predictor of marital infidelity is the act of cohabitation before marriage.

You are one seriously odd guy. By odd I mean creepy and messed up. I did not and would not read all of your bizarre post, nor should anyone else. There are some things in life that are private and should remain private. Your weird little world should remain private. Discussing your wife’s orgasams is just out of order and shows a massive amount of disrespect for her. If your mental illness does not allow you to behave in an appropriate manner go get help, you weird little narcissistic sociopath.

OP this is a nice thread and topic

When? Time?

I dont know

I knew she had a past, a family for good or bad. And I knew she had traits.

I am a Christian so I feel like I left it in God’s hands, when we die we’ll find out.

I have 4 cousins, males, single and lonely.

Two will for sure die alone, no offspring, no kids.

The other 2 are in their 40’s, so they are old

Sad

So back to the question When?

When?

Well, I was kinda mean to her, she stuck around

Some have said she looks like a Movie star

She has degrees so she is smart

When?

After 6 years

This question is challenging because of too many factors, like age, weight, smarts, type of jobs, income

All those factors could affect a “When”

This is solid gold.

Previous to this, make sure you are not attracted to, or pick a woman who is bi-polar, tendencies of paranoia, or anything else.

I.E,. get lucky and find a woman who is essentially sane. Essentially.

Women don't think like men. Even lesbians. Generally, they are going to feel more okay about expressing emotion, positive, negative, or sadness, grief, what have you...then your average male will.

And let's factor in how screwed up the USA makes a lot of women. I shouldn't even have to explain any of this...billboards, magazines, modeling contests on TV.

40% of women in this country are classified as obese, as in leaning towards morbidly obese.

And the beat goes on...

FYI

John Gottman does not express like this.

DAVID DEIDA does.

Cut in paste job

OP didnt ask for such stupidity

Paublo

Go back to Brazil

The Marriage Expert wrote:

UltraDude wrote:

This is the right answer. Marriage is always a gamble. You never know how each of you will change over time and if those changes will result in irreconcilable differences. At a minimum I would live under the same roof for at least a year before getting married. Co-habitating the same space tends to reveal if you can tolerate each other.

Research has shown that co-habitation is ineffective at best, and harmful to the relationship at worst. Cohabitation relationships are less committed and much more likely to end in separation after they do get married. The single biggest predictor of marital infidelity is the act of cohabitation before marriage.

https://www.thespruce.com/cohabitation-facts-and-statistics-2302236

Just like the Christian church teaches.

Raphe wrote:

I've been seeing a girl for awhile now, and it's looking more and more like there's really something there. Married dudes, how did you know she was "the one"? How long did that take?

Ever heard of the saying "Ask Mom"?

Outdoor, temp in the 60s, blankets and some beer.

The dude who couldn't post the long post email me wejo@letsrun.com

You forgot your meds, dude....

How did I know?

15yrs younger than me

Tuned & Tight

Shaved beave

Anal

Role playing

If sex is important to you, you had better marry a partner for whom it is also important.

Night observer wrote:

No you really don't understand real love and it's sad for you.

Trying to explain love to you is like trying to explain color to a blind person.

Bad Wigins wrote:

No, it's you who misunderstand. You shouldn't want to marry only one, even if one is all can eventually choose.

Trying to explain why you're wrong is like trying to take blinders off a kicking horse.

Believing that your "real love" is achievable with only one person is a cultural tool of monogamy, but it's not true. It only seems that way after you get there. If you're wise, you realize you have lots of options and play the field.

Meet her parents and get a feeling for what parenting philosophy is prominent in her family. Raising kids is the hardest thing to do together as a married couple, especially if you both work. So take a good look at her parents and let her meet your parents as well. When things get stressful down the line, you'll both probably revert back to what you know or were raised with. Marriage is easy if its just you and your partner. And without kids, there really isn't much to lose if you break it off.

Raphe wrote:

I've been seeing a girl for awhile now, and it's looking more and more like there's really something there. Married dudes, how did you know she was "the one"? How long did that take?

I knew when she told me she was pregnant.

Married 37 years. Still trying to figure it out.

I have zero idea why the length of my post matters at all (is there a length-of-post restriction here in the "rules"?

I'm not clear about whether you're saying or implying that I repeated a lot; I beg to disagree - I certainly covered much ground; but I BELIEVE (I certainly can't be the expert on this though) that by treating the question of how to find the right person and how to build the right relationship with them - that I did a pretty thorough job.

What I really want to ask you is Why? Why did you concentration all your "fire" on the length of my post and didn't respond to a single point? (I'm certainly in no position to judge your post - by length and/or repetition - because I just haven't seen it - so, it seems to me, the best way to go about this would be to simply write to the mods or post a post that focuses on YOUR post - and leave my post out of it - unless, naturally, you have something to say specifically about my post.

Did you like it? A little, a lot? Did you disagree with it (in your opinion was it bad advice or completely off topic)? A little, a lot?

That kind of thing.

I wrote a super-long post and left out one of THE MOST IMPORTANT ways to help determine if (he) she might be the one - this one that you mention, point blank.

There is almost no other more valuable tool than meeting (his) her folks. This TENDS to be especially the case if (he) she is the first of their sex. There's a huge tendency (with lots of exceptions of course) of first sons being very-much copies of their dads and the same with first daughters and their moms.

People DO tend to be on their best behavior (not saying that it is intentional to trick the other person; just that we ALL tend to be on our best behavior (don't really have to think about it consciously all that much)) - so meeting the parents is a kind of "litmus test".

Of course, there's no guarantee with this "method" or step in your learning about each other. You might catch the parents in an especially unusual mood (high or low, friendly or not, extra-sweet or extra-the-opposite), and then not get a good-enough reflection of how the person you were interested was raised - and with how much love they were surrounded.

A lot of words and thoughts to basically say:

You nailed this; KUDOS.

Hey "marriage expert".

I admit to NOT reviewing the article you link to (supposedly documenting that co-habitating, at best, does no good; and at worst helps contribute to broken relationships.

But I KNOW this is dead wrong. I'm not saying that in ALL cases or even MOST cases, it's a good idea to co-habitate first. No way "one size fits all". Certainly people with beliefs about morality that go against living together out of official wedlock - those people would naturally have a far higher rate of their co-habitating resulted later in failure. Unfortunately, this doesn't tell us much; and certainly can't be any guide for other couples who are thinking about whether to co-habitate first.

My basic point: I've been in TWO GREAT relationships (the first lasted 8 years, the first six of it - sensational); the second 31+ years - we're still honeymooning; we love each other more than at the beginning - and we started off crazy for each other.

In both those cases, we lived together BEFORE getting officially married. I KNOW that co-habitational period was the right decision - we found out, and quite quickly, that we had a good shot at lasting because we had already lived together; experiences some of the best and worst in each other - gotten an idea about how good (or bad) we might be in working out compromises.

I've also marriage counseled 50 some years worth of couples. I testify here (for what it's worth - it is, afterall, for everyone else, just my word (just as what I said about my two wonderful relations were essentially hear-say)) ... I testify here that well over 1/4th of those couples had co-habitated - and that those who had co-habitated averaged (over 100s and 100s of couples) about the same degree of success as the couples that didn't co-habitate first. I must add one other "extenuating" circumstance. The YOUNGER the couple, the more the benefitted from co-habitating first; and the less they were successful if they did not? Why?

Because the younger the people involved, the more, inevitably, they are going to change; even just grow up more - and the frequency with which they still match up well thru and after many big changes - that frequency argues strongly FOR co-habitation first. Then, if it doesn't work out; you have less legal ramifications (and less "in-laws" budding in, taking sides, criticizing, etc). If it does work, "no harm, no foul". The test period obviously worked.

There is such a thing as "probation" and testing periods. These are just as usefull, just as powerfully useful for love-relationships as they are for pretty much every other circumstance in which such periods are involved.