When I was young and recently married I never thought I would agree, but indeed it is true that 'sex is way overrated'. Don't even worry about it.
When I was young and recently married I never thought I would agree, but indeed it is true that 'sex is way overrated'. Don't even worry about it.
Before you have kids sex seems fun and exciting. After about age 35 or after a few kids sex will seem way overrated. I'm happily married and we agree that sex once a month is often more than enough.
hahahah... your comments about the ideal life of this lawyer... so funny
Back to the discussion at hand...
I've been with my wife 28 years. There's been ups and downs. There's been a lot of wonderful things, but this thread isn't really about all the other good things about a long term relationship, it's about sex, and full disclosure, I'm not the guy who's having sex multiple times a day.
I've read some and listened some to Esther Perel and she has a really well researched and articulated take on sex and fidelity. Competing needs for stability, safety, economic security, etc, and passion, variety, excitement, adventure. She talks about the challenging viability of expecting one person to fulfill all of your changing needs throughout a lifetime.
I agree that raising kids and having stressful jobs is a huge part of it. And I think there's an extension to that part of the discussion that maybe hasn't been mentioned yet. Yes, parenting, working, (and for us on LRC, running hard workouts and long miles), is stressful and tiring, and doesn't leave a huge amount of time or energy for sex, but also, in the process of surviving those tough years of a marriage, it's easy for all kinds of resentment and frustration to accumulate on both sides that makes people less likely to continue the 'courting' efforts that helped them connect and fall in love in the first place. Emotional debt, if you will.
My perhaps over simplified advice to the original poster would be to stop and take a minute to think about what you are doing today and what you were doing when you met your girlfriend... what the specific things you were doing were, that made her fall in love with you. You may want to even ask her. You probably should. Was it the thoughtful material gifts? The compliments and words of encouragement? The kind things you did for her? (laundry, getting her car serviced, etc.) The physical closeness? The quality time together? Whatever you were doing that made her love you... keep doing it, even when it gets really hard to. You'll still need to account for her changing needs, but I think you'll have a great shot at a good long term relationship.
Good luck!
So you have a fiancé. Congrats. But I'm not sure if the post-nuptial shut off applies to gay men.
I am married. We still have sex 2-4 times a week. Be it married sex but I'll take what I can get. The issue is men stop acting like men. Women get turned off by that.
Another reason... kids.
Another reason... age.
Another reason... they get annoyed by you.
You can't think of one reason why a woman's sex drive might decrease?
Engaged to be married wrote:
In my personal experience with women, and in everything that you read today, women want sex as much as men. They enjoy sex etc. My fiance and I have been together for two years and the sex has been amazing and if anything has just been getting better and better with time. And, it really doesn't need to get any better as it's already pretty insane and it's every day often more than once.
However - ever since I got engaged endless friends etc. keep warning me about "post-nuptial shut off" - but the concept doesn't make any sense to me. All my past girlfriends and my fiance really like sex. Why would that change? Why would my fiance stop having sex with me after we got married? Doesn't that mean she would have to stop liking sex? Who would stop liking sex? How would that happen? And, if she didn't stop liking to have sex, why cut off your nose to spite your face? By not having sex she'd suffer as well. That doesn't make sense.
Well, other than if she suddenly decided she hated me (then we should get divorced), but if she still loved me, why would a woman suddenly stop liking sex? Wouldn't that only happen if you married a woman who never really liked sex in the first place, and, wouldn't that be a rare thing? Pick up any woman's magazine, most woman really like sex.
So, what's the deal, why is this something people keep warning me about? It does not make sense. Surely for this to happen sex would have been an issue before marriage and not just suddenly after marriage?
I haven't read through the responses, so I'm sure this has already been said, but yes, you will experience PNSO, especially after kids. Men are wired to crave sex their entire life. Women stop wanting much sex after a certain age, once they are bored with their partner (almost always happens), and especially after having kids. Actual biological changes happen in women that makes them desire sex less and less with each child. Also, women don't seem to understand that sex is a NEED for men their entire life, so they don't view PNSO as a big deal. They're still getting what they want (resources), so who cares.
If I ever get married, I will be up front with my wife that sex is a need of men and that if we stop having sex, I will get it elsewhere. It does not mean I don't love my wife, but men need sex, and if my wife cannot provide it, I will have to get it elsewhere.
Dude, you are so deluded to think your sex drive will remain that high, and I feel sorry for you if it does. Good luck.
As your lives get busier and busier you both get tired.
She won't be so frisky.
While men will usually trade sleep for sex.
The true irony is that when you are both young you will be ever-horny, ready to phukk anything with a hole in it. You'll drive her nuts. To you, sex is the ultimate expression of your love, in the form of your stone-cutting ejaculate, and will want to bond with her in that way every minute you can get away with.
She will resent being objectified in this way and begin to reject your advances. You will seem dirty and horny to her.
You'll make it work somehow, but it will be awkward sexually, and then you'll age. Your body will slow down and the ever present horniness will fade. She'll age and feel less attractive. Women simply age poorly compared to men. So, as you begin to slow down and need much less phukking, she'll start to need it to feel like you love her and to confirm that she is not an old hag.
Soon, she'll be pressing you for explicit sex much more than you want it, usually when you'd rather just watch the latest installment of Vietnam or pursue your hobby.
The above is almost universal among most couples I've ever know who stayed together for more than 10 years. Men and women just seem fundamentally mismatched at biological and sociological levels when it comes to sexual desire. That's why most guys masturbate like fiends in their 30s and 40s, and are grossed out by the thought of getting it on with their partners in their later years.
Inconsistent wrote:
If you have energy to have sex more than once a day, you are either unemployed or aren't training enough. This is LRC, not Runner's World, right? I guess OP works 4 hours a day down at his local Starbucks and then hobby jogs his difficult 15mpw training.
This is the best post.
The real answer is that when you get married you've completed the quest. Both parties complete the quest of getting married and finding a lifetime partner so they don't die alone. So after marriage there's less desire and motivation to impress the other person.
Sure except when that fades away there is still no sex, the excuses just expand
perspective wrote:
Ever heard of children? Infants demand attention from a mother 24 hours a day - nursing, changing, waking up crying, getting sick, etc. Your wife will be tired and preoccupied. Throw in managing a career and your sex life gets put on the back burner.
I willing to bet that a lot of the men on the post-nuptial thread thought they had great sex when they were engaged. I did. After a few children, a mortgage, career stress, sick parents - and especially the big M, women lose interest.
This is true but not the whole truth. I fully participated in all the parenting of our now grown up boys and still had full desire to have sex with my wife. She had nothing, it went off a cliff.
Getting Old wrote:
In the main, the answer here is kids. Raising kids is extremely tiring and time consuming. Even today, most of that work ends up falling to women. This is probably especially true in the marriages of the type of man who complains about the "post-nuptial shut-off" (i.e. the type of man who doesn't have particularly enlightened views on gender roles in a marriage).
When you are raising young children, every day is just exhausting. If you are doing the childcare, at the end of the day your going likely be as physically exhausted as if you'd just finished a 20 miler. How into sex do you typically feel right after such a run? That is how your wife is likely going to be feeling come bedtime - especially if you are not pulling your weight with the kids and housekeeping.
Sure kids eventually grow up, but if you have a couple then your likely going to be heads down in intense parenting for 5 or 6 years. By the time all your kids are sleeping through the night, not puking or crapping themselves several times a day, and beginning to have enough reasoning ability to not try to kill themselves ten times a day, you and your wife are going to probably be knocking on 40. Needless to say, neither of your libidos are going to be what they once were by then.
I'm sure you've heard that marriage is work a million times, but it really is true. One big part of that work for both partners is doing what it takes to ensure that physical intimacy doesn't fall by the wayside. Good luck.
We had our 43rd anniversary last month. Sex is way better now even after all these years. I consider myself pretty lucky after reading this thread. And I don't need ED meds yet....thanks to her.
I wish I could agree that was enough, it would make my life so much easier.
Too true wrote:
Before you have kids sex seems fun and exciting. After about age 35 or after a few kids sex will seem way overrated. I'm happily married and we agree that sex once a month is often more than enough.
Lying to yourself is a good way to cope. There is no way sex is better now and you know it, but I envy you for believing that.
Nots my handle wrote:
We had our 43rd anniversary last month. Sex is way better now even after all these years. I consider myself pretty lucky after reading this thread. And I don't need ED meds yet....thanks to her.
Perhaps you are just unable to "grow" as you age and your partner finds you both unattractive and unimaginative. I'll be getting some good poon tonight so you can be envious.
You blew it. No way in hell would an old timer use the term "poon" in the way you did, when referring to sex with his woman 40+ years later.Stop being a diikkhead.Women and men are meant to mellow into semi-sexless love as they age. It's biology. Gettin' some "poon". Sheesh...
Nots my handle wrote:
Perhaps you are just unable to "grow" as you age and your partner finds you both unattractive and unimaginative. I'll be getting some good poon tonight so you can be envious.
Sorry to destroy your illusions. We are both in good physical shape, deeply connected emotionally. I will be enjoying some good poon this evening while you'll be dating Rosie Palm.
Viva La..... wrote:
You blew it. No way in hell would an old timer use the term "poon" in the way you did, when referring to sex with his woman 40+ years later.
Stop being a diikkhead.
Women and men are meant to mellow into semi-sexless love as they age. It's biology.
Gettin' some "poon". Sheesh...
Nots my handle wrote:Perhaps you are just unable to "grow" as you age and your partner finds you both unattractive and unimaginative. I'll be getting some good poon tonight so you can be envious.
I normally avoid these off-topic posts as it's depressing to suffer through the trolls, but this isn't so bad, some decent honest answers.
I've had friends in marriages complain about the lack of sex, and I recommended they have a sex schedule. When you're dating (and young) it's easy, usually you do it every time you see each other, maybe 3-5 times a week. Once you live together or are married, a schedule is helpful to manage expectations. It may not seem romantic, but it can actually save romance.
Because both of you will at times feel too tired or not in the mood, but if you just go ahead and do it, you both feel better during and after, and it maintains that consistent intimacy. Some couples feel it's okay to go weeks at a time if they both don't feel it, but that can be more damaging to a relationship than they may realize.
In my experience, 30s-40s, 3 times is a week is a good goal. If one has extra drive, nothing wrong with revisiting pre-relationship habits with some self love once or twice a week.
Well this is why many Women lose their men.
This is why we have so many single ladies and single Old women.
All these women look terrible.
Their legs look like someone beat them with a Baseball bat.
If they had a husband, he'd buy her nice clothing to wear and she would be respected.
Think about all the terrible women in you family. They are probably divorced.
They have a duty.
The baby-boomer Grandparents are garbage too. They should be helping but they don't they gamble and waste their resources.
That's why people have started to put them in Old People Warehouses.
It's all just evil and sin, including a Women disrespecting her husband by not giving him sex.
Energy drain ... well maybe until She cheats on him or He cheats on her.
Become a Christian and live well.
John 3:16
Romans 10:9