HS XC Coach texts my 15-year old daughter - should I put a stop to it?

be a man wrote:

It sounds like your daughter lacks a strong male figure in her life, and is reaching out to her coach to fill that role. Just be more of a man and the texts will stop.

Washubutt wrote:

This is the craziest sh!t I've ever read. Why is it appropriate let alone necessary for a high school coach to even have an athletes number.

Granted I graduated 10 years ago and cell phones have become more 'utilized' with younger groups in that time, but there was never any communication with coaches and athletes via phone; and why would there need to be, holding practice five days a week doesn't provide enough time for this coach to shed his wisdom that he finds it necessary to text in the evening hours. Something is fishy buddy.

you failed your child as a parent that is why she's texting him back in the first place

Times have changed and I do not think that anyone knows what is appropriate anymore. I coached CC and Track & Field for ten years in the 1990s and early 2000s. I always had the kids phone + address even if they were as young as 6th grade. However those were not cell phone numbers as they might be today. I don't recall needing to call kids much and usually a parent answered first anyway.

As a new coach today I might be tempted to say that I do not text kids and they should not text me. (I am not good with that anyway. I don't pay attention.) In the case of this coach I think he is 24 and ambitious. That is okay. A parent should take the time to talk to him about it in person. He will be embarrassed but it will stop. If not then you have to take it to the A.D.

Taking it to the A.D. first is not a good move because the coach will resent it and it will hurt the coach-athlete relationship. If you make a big deal out of something it will be.

The biggest problem here may be the girls coach. She or he may make a big deal out of it and be insulted by the texts.

OH it's the girls coach that is texting her.

There really are not many reasons to text a runner if you are practicing five days per week. It might be appropriate during the off-season to send a text or two.

Dad Concerned wrote:

Not sure what to do here. My daughter is 15 and runs XC. She is probably the number 3 girl on the team and best of her class. The coach is young, probably 24. He is constantly texting my daughter, especially at night. While I haven't actually read the texts, I don't understand why they are texting back and forth so much. I don't want to be an over-bearing parent but I am irked by the coach texting my daughter.

Any parents have experience with this?

I have experience with this when my daughter was part on an "elite" training group. I immediately advised the coach that he was never to contact my daughter or any athlete on an individual basis via chat or email.

coach was eventually fired by the organization when it was learned he did this with other female athletes.

Questions? Why does he have your daughter's telephone number?

Why is a 24 year old coaching high school XC?

If he is a school coach I would request a meeting with you the horny 24 yr old, head coach and athletic director and make your concerns known.

Any reputable school would fire the coach on the spot.

Don't let this slide this is serious.

I agree with you @Concerned but !!!

Imagine that 24yo coach has a parent who is, ohhhh the town's mayor or a long-serving member of the District BoD.

Your best option is to Facebook the message and openly ask the district to explain that behavior publicly.

They will not like that and you bet that eventual Counselor Rec (that your daughter will never be able to read) will include something that diminishes her accomplishments with respect to that 'stellar' graduating class.

Actually I do, I love my grand kids to death.

You are so wrong it's embarrassing. When my kids ran xc, their coach always texted them about practice changes and reminders about all sorts of things, as well as positive markers. Kids thrive from the personal encouragement. A cross country team is like a second family. If a coach doesn't have their phone numbers, then how does he check up on their training when they're are on vacation, or are looking for a good running route, or their heel hurts that night and they want to know what they should do to help it. Texting is a valuable tool for passing on information and communicating. Get real and stop acting like a defensive papa bear who is out to guard the children. Get to know your child's coach and see how much he/she cares about their well-being and success.

TrackCoach wrote:

In fact, I've worked with at least 100 coaches and I have only dealt with one situation where I felt a coach was inappropriate.

Ped Alert wrote:

You sure do like being around kids, huh?

And has very low standards for inappropriateness.

DravenYox wrote:

You are so wrong it's embarrassing. When my kids ran xc, their coach always texted them about practice changes and reminders about all sorts of things, as well as positive markers. Kids thrive from the personal encouragement. A cross country team is like a second family. If a coach doesn't have their phone numbers, then how does he check up on their training when they're are on vacation, or are looking for a good running route, or their heel hurts that night and they want to know what they should do to help it. Texting is a valuable tool for passing on information and communicating. Get real and stop acting like a defensive papa bear who is out to guard the children. Get to know your child's coach and see how much he/she cares about their well-being and success.

It's 100 percent that you're a sexual predator, and trying to justify your activities.

I agree with your assessment of this liberal minded turkey.

Send your kid to school to learn. Teach him to respect the teachers and coaches. Teach him to maintain the distance that encourages that mutual respect. No, a coach hugging a female athlete is not part of the coach's job. That job can be performed without touching the athlete and should not require late night texts. There is nothing so extraordinarily urgent about XC that should require that. People that justify such behavior by how much they care and exaggerating the urgency of the matter have ulterior motives.

People that justify such behavior by how much they care and exaggerating the urgency of the matter have ulterior motives.

So sad that this is the way you think. You couldn't be more wrong unfortunately.

Wow, this thread went off the rails..

You must be a perv who assumes all men think the way you do. Well guess what? Not all men are sexually motivated. You probably are.

Concerned Parents Unite wrote:

Questions? Why does he have your daughter's telephone number?

Why is a 24 year old coaching high school XC?

I agree with most of what you said, but not these points.

First, coaches should absolutely have their athletes' phone numbers. They shouldn't be using them on a regular basis, but sometimes it's actually important. What if a meet is canceled, for instance? That's information that should be conveyed immediately, and people are not always waiting at home for a call. One real world example from my own experience: I received a call from a parent saying that she could not drive her daughter to a meet. I was driving a full van at that point, but one of the captains was driving her own car, and I called her to ask if she could pick up the stranded runner. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

Second, what's wrong with a 24 year old coaching? That's not an even remotely unusual age for high school coaches, across a lot of sports. Young people often have the time to devote to coaching. If you restrict coaching to older people, then you're often stuck with teachers or with full-time coaches, and few schools have the budget for the latter. In any event, there's nothing especially high risk about young coaches. Experience has shown that teenage girls develop crushes on authority figures of all ages, and experience has DEFINITELY shown that men of all ages will do inappropriate things with teenagers. The school should have policies and guidance in place for ALL coaches to avoid situations like what the OP is describing.

I wonder how many coaches of teams going to NXN or sending kids to FLN annually would be considered pedophiles by this board because they are more involved than your average coach. I suspect it's 90+%

"what if the meet is canceled?"

Then everyone has to know, not just that one girl. Further, the parents would probably like to know their kid is not going to be at the meet. Athletes usually travel on the team bus. Parents and GPs drive there separately to support the team. Yes, that information is relevant to a larger group not just the individual. What, you send 20+ individual texts? You sure the head's on straight fella?

Text the parent, not the kid. Develop an interest in people your own age. Don't screw up a teen's life. Stay out of jail. Good advice. Follow it grasshopper.

You have to look at it on a case by case basis.

If a kid sends out a text to me asking if practice will be cancelled due to the weather I will answer them individually. If they ask something like, "Am I in the Varsity race or the JV race tomorrow?" I will answer that. A text I received today, "Coach I am sorry I missed practice today. I overslept." My response was, "That's ok, you probably need the rest." Make sure to get your run in at some point today." I will not E-Mail the entire team about that.

If a kid has not showed up I might text them or call them to find out where they are. It happens all the time. When E-Mailing individual athletes I try to included the parents in the E-Mail if I can. The main reason for this is so we can all better communicate.

I would not understand why anyone would view that level of communication to be a problem.

On the other hand I personally do not believe in using Snap Chat, Instagram, Twitter, or even Facebook with the kids. We have had social media issues we have needed to deal with on our team. It would not be good to be involved in an on-line conversation if one of the kids turns it into an inappropriate one.

UPDATE:

The coach has been fired and is now coaching at a new school. I notified the school and they looked at his phone. They said there was inappropriate behavior and fired him. They asked if I wanted to have the details of the texts and I told them I need to think about it.

Thank you for the support

I'm a coach (mid 30s) and a father of 2 girls. I will periodically use text to communicate with athletes regarding training runs I'm not observing, workouts, competition planning. I give my number to everyone, but I try not to text any females under 16 unless there's no other way I can contact them. I much prefer email, and if I get a text after 9pm I will ignore it until the next day.

Be concerned.