HS XC Coach texts my 15-year old daughter - should I put a stop to it?

Yeah that's kinda creepy imo. Why is he even texting her at night? Dude needs to understand boundaries and how parents might construe it even if he IS talking about training and nothing else.

You have every right to be concerned. The coach is crossing the professional barrier. This is excessive. While your daughter might be naive to what is happening and the guy himself not having ill intentions there is a relationship forming beyond what the coach-athlete relationship calls for.

I would bring it to the attention of the athletic director. Do not take this up with the coach or the daughter directly as you poise the risk of alienating one, the other or both from yourself.

Dad Concerned wrote:

Not sure what to do here. My daughter is 15 and runs XC. She is probably the number 3 girl on the team and best of her class. The coach is young, probably 24. He is constantly texting my daughter, especially at night. While I haven't actually read the texts, I don't understand why they are texting back and forth so much. I don't want to be an over-bearing parent but I am irked by the coach texting my daughter.

Any parents have experience with this?

I hate to say this, but read the texts and find out. Best case, this is unprofessional. Worst case, this will involve the police. Seriously.

It sounds like your daughter lacks a strong male figure in her life, and is reaching out to her coach to fill that role. Just be more of a man and the texts will stop.

As an also young (late 20s) HS coach, I will agree with you that it At Least seems strange. I will admit I honsetly have texted some of my athletes, particularly my captains if I want them to know something or pass information to other kids. Nowadays it is hard to get away from texting as it is a reliable way to get a hold of the kids. However, I also make sure at least one other coach is also copied on every message so that there is accountability of not crossing a line.

One thing I will say is the coach and athlete should not be sending any sort of "private" message. If you talk to your child and they do not want to share the messages with you, that is a definite red flag that I would then take to the school.

If it is completely innocent and the coach is simply texting about the sport, they should still know better than to have regular messages at nights with an athlete. As a coach I go through a NFHS training to teach me to be aware of inappropriate actions by others, as well as to teach me to not put myself in a position that could be mistaken as inappropriate.

If you are concerned, it is without a doubt your right and responsibility to make sure your child is safe, and that other children are safe as well if the coach is also messaging others.

SMS wrote:

You have every right to be concerned. The coach is crossing the professional barrier. This is excessive. While your daughter might be naive to what is happening and the guy himself not having ill intentions there is a relationship forming beyond what the coach-athlete relationship calls for.

I would bring it to the attention of the athletic director. Do not take this up with the coach or the daughter directly as you poise the risk of alienating one, the other or both from yourself.

If you take this advice, then you better prepare yourself for an all-out attack. You better think this through before you do anything. The probability that YOU will become the enemy of all involved is high. You've been warned.

Good luck.

Karl Hungus wrote:

Dad Concerned wrote:

Not sure what to do here. My daughter is 15 and runs XC. She is probably the number 3 girl on the team and best of her class. The coach is young, probably 24. He is constantly texting my daughter, especially at night. While I haven't actually read the texts, I don't understand why they are texting back and forth so much. I don't want to be an over-bearing parent but I am irked by the coach texting my daughter.

Any parents have experience with this?

I hate to say this, but read the texts and find out. Best case, this is unprofessional. Worst case, this will involve the police. Seriously.

+1

There's no reason to be texting so much. If it's frequent and at night, there's not much chance it's group texts to the team or even related to the sport at all.

I had an assistant coach in college who'd do stuff like this. It escalated and thanks to people recognizing and reporting the issue, he's gone.

A few questions:

If you haven't looked at the texts how do you know the coach is constantly texting her at night?

She is a 15 year old girl, I'm sure other teenagers are also texting her a lot too.

It may be something as innocent as "Hey good run today, it's really going to help this next season..." and a reply or two after that. But if it's a lot more than that I'd agree it's probably too much. But if that is all the coach is doing and someone else is texting constantly, don't take it out on the coach.

I also disagree that you should go to the AD if you think it's innocent but too much. Any time you go to the AD before going to the coach it's a hassle for everyone and makes the coach look bad even if that isn't your intention. If you think the texting is innocent but just too much, have a conversation with the coach, talk about why he thinks it's necessary to text that much, ask if there is different ways he could get his information across. How that conversation goes and what happens after will tell you if you need to talk to AD or anyone else.

As a HS coach I text the kids a lot, it's just a different day than it was 10 years ago, that's how you get a hold of them, that is how you can build a coach/athlete relationship. Kids will sometimes open up more in a text than they will in person. But as a coach you also have to be smart and cover yourself, I use group texts a ton and half the time am communicating with the kids at parents requests.

Im in HS and my coach texts us sometimes to let us know things about practices or meets or whatever. I also think he has a group chat with a couple of people who follow pro running and they talk about it in that, which seems slightly less professional but not crossing any lines.

I agree that its kind of weird that its just her and at night, but at least find out what the texts are about before you go and get the guy fired or arrested

I think ALL high school coaches (paid or not paid) should be required to take these online courses.

To the OP, as a parent you should have concerns especially if it's making you uneasy or something doesn't seem right to you. Next time you see the coach, casually ask him why he's texting your daughter so much at night that can't be addressed during practice.

Maybe your daughter is the one initiating the texting? What was the name of that Alicia Silverstone movie?

Karl Hungus wrote:

Best case, this is unprofessional.

I'll disagree with this. I think there is a much better best case in this scenario.

My team uses an app that allows the coaches (5 of us - although only myself and the other younger coach use it regularly) to message the whole team, a specific group (the distance squad in my case) or an individual.

I send out my attempt at pre-meet motivation to the whole team, specific information about practice to my groups and a fair share of "great race today.. your hard work is really paying off" or "keep your head up.. you're about to make a big jump", etc, etc to individuals after a significant practice or race. Sometime an athlete has to leave the meet early or I miss the meet for some reason - I may text them post-meet (10ish on a Friday) to congratulate, motivate or check-in on an injury or something. I don't think this crosses the boundary - in fact, I believe it fosters a healthy and communicative environment.

Now... I still agree with Karl... why not check? Teenagers don't make great decisions and you are better safe than sorry.

Batman and Robin?

Just wait until she gets to college. A lot of young "assistant coaches" just hang out at practice to try and hook up with the girls.

Check your daughters phone. She refuses, stop paying for it and shut it off. Be her Father, not her friend. (This will be difficult and involve yelling. It's part of the job of being a Dad).

You should have her password and full access to her phone already. This is your child.

The coach is young. She probably has a crush. He is young and an idiot. Talk to the coach and let him know he should not text after 8 pm as that is time for homework and family. If information needs to be communicated to do so by email.

You should already have a curfew on your child's electronics. For my daughter (14) she charges her phone in my room. It is turned in by 9 pm and is picked up in the morning. She was distracted and it negatively effected her grades. Those dramatically improved and reduced friend drama in the process. Your daughter is older so make your own standard and keep to it.

Educate your daughter. If she puts her drink down at a party, get a new one. Always stay with a group of friends. Never get in a car alone with someone you don't know/just met, etc.

This may be all innocent but it's a good time to talk to your daughter and start setting boundaries.

This

Other than practice info, schedule updates, etc, coaches should not be texting athletes.

Excessive texting between a 24M and a 15F is a red flag. I would investigate the contents of said texts.

Dad Concerned wrote:

Not sure what to do here. My daughter is 15 and runs XC. She is probably the number 3 girl on the team and best of her class. The coach is young, probably 24. He is constantly texting my daughter, especially at night. While I haven't actually read the texts, I don't understand why they are texting back and forth so much. I don't want to be an over-bearing parent but I am irked by the coach texting my daughter.

Any parents have experience with this?

This guy is out of bounds.

Approach him and ask him why he is sending texts.

Ask to see his phone and read the texts (to see if everything is actually innocent)

Any issues, go directly to the principal and get his ass fired.

9/10