Wife hates my running. Any advice? Should I quit running?

talk it out. communicate about it

OR

get up super early and run when she's sleeping, or go into work early everyday and run there.

She either needs a job or a hobby, a

If you turn to Lets Run for marital advice, you should quit life.

Grow a pair.

That's Great! Keep us updated!

Would she go on a jog with you? Perhaps she could have her friends over while you ran. You should have checked her 5k PR before you married her. Marrying non-runners is fraught with peril and should be avoided at all costs.

I think something important that should be explicitly said is... do you have kids? I'm guessing since you didn't say, the answer is no. If so, your best response has been from "I know the feeling exactly". Not much of a solution, but it sounds like he is right on with his analysis. On the flip side, how much latitude does she get from you for her hobbies and interests? If there is empathy on both sides, then a direct conversation expressing your feelings while being sympathetic to hers might be best.

If it turns out you have kids or your wife has some huge daily responsibility, then she needs your help shouldering the burden. Man up and help out. I have 3 kids at home and struggle to get 30 mpw in. I run on my lunch break and take all the kids to the ymca on the weekends to get my mileage in. My workouts are as unobtrusive as possible because they need to be. My wife is a full time student and works weekends and it is selfish for me to put running above family.

She is probably sick of you being so SCRAWNY and wants a guy who is more BUFF. Who am I to blame her?

Women want tough guys and runners simply don't deliver.

You know what the fix is. The question is: are you man enough?

This really isn't about running. It could be seemingly unproductive hobbies like video games or Mary J -- at least then she could argue it's not getting you anywhere. This is running, though. This is a healthy thing and a hobby. She'd give you grief whether it was running, lifting at the gym, or volunteering at the orphanage. She just doesn't like the time away from her. The running isn't the problem unless you're a jerk about when you do it, but it sounds like you already have an innocuous routine she should be ware of. I'm not saying divorce her outright, but she's being rude about something important to you (and healthy). Don't be afraid to call her out on it.

P.S. Are you two equally religious or is she more religious than you? How's that working out?

This has come up from time to time with my wife. There are some good replies already, but I'll add my 2 cents.

First, it's probably not about the actual running. There is some resentment about something else. Either she feels the time spent running should be spent on something related to family, or she feels like you are getting your own time and she is not. Solution - offer to give her 30-60 minutes 5 days a week (equivalent to your running time) to exercise or do whatever she wants, while take over some additional chores or childcare duties. And be enthusiastic about it. If you grumble about it, it's meaningless.

Second, have a conversation about why you run and why it's important to you: health, mental well-being, stress relief, fun, competition, etc. Ask her what you can do to help her have those things in her life. Ask her in what parts of her life can you give her better support and encouragement.

Finally, ask her for parameters of your running that will work for her. Have her propose a schedule, and then have a conversation about it. When you find a schedule that works for both, she agrees not to give you a hard time as long as you are meeting the criteria. You have to bust your balls to make sure you stay on schedule.

After a few months of your running having less impact on other aspects of life, you will hopefully find she is a little more relaxed about the running.

My GF hates me running too. It was not the running tho, it was the pain of her waiting by herself for me to finish, she felt lonely also because she didn't have a hobby other than TV and facebook.

I went out and bought the prettiest of all mountain bikes and a matching coloured helmet for her. I said here you go, you're coming with me next time I run. She loves it, rides easily next to me and smiling all the way. She's also getting fitter and now I'm getting laid more. Maybe this could work for you. If not try and do a physical activity she might like other than your running.

This is a tough one, and I agree that Letsrun may not be the best place to get advice. You're only going to get responses that are biased to your cause. When I read your title I thought I was going to read about how you run 100+ miles a week and race every weekend and it drives your wife nuts.

What you described, if true, is not reasonable at all, especially if you don't have kids.

I get a bit of grief about my running from my wife, but I run 7 days a week, 70-90 miles a week, with a hard workout and long run on the weekend. I ran competetively before we started dating, but the first 5 years of our relationship I hardly ran or exercised. So my newfound running has been a bit of a shock to my wife, to say the least. In my opinion the grief I get is partly deserved. I'm emaciated from marathon training, I have less energy, and when I'm training for a big race it becomes an obsession.

What my wife would love is if I only ran 30 miles a week, like you. I would suggest explaining to her that it helps you relieve stress from work, gives you more energy, and makes you happier. A moderate 30 miles a week should also help you live a longer, healthier life! Maybe let her plan your weekly runs as long as it works for you.

Threads like me remind me why I'll never get married. Could not imagine dealing with this bullshit.

Never realized that Flagpole was a triple digit week, ultra badas*. Much respect.

Flagpole wrote:

She NEVER gave me grief as I trained up to 140 MPW back when I trained for and ran a couple of ultras.

Get used to it.. wrote:

Women are freaking stupid. I am glad I am not physically attracted to them

They're also typically not attracted to you runner guys.

At least the attractive ones prefer guys like this:

I hear you loud and clear. I'm at 30mpw due to wife and kid constraints. You described exactly our situation a couple of years ago. Here's what we did...

1) We had A Talk. I made it clear that running is absolutely an important life priority to me. We need to fit this into the weekly routine for me to maintain my happiness and sanity.

2) She likes to workout as well, so she understands where I'm coming from. She also likes to go out with friends once a week or so. So I agreed to support her priorities if she supports mine.

3) We agreed on # of workouts per week on what days and we've stuck with that. Part of the agreement was if I stick to the agreement (e.g. 3 morning workouts), she can't give me any grief about it. We stick to this about 98% of the time, and we plan the week ahead when schedules change.

It's worked well enough for the past 3 years.

As most have said, it's not about the running. There is some combination of control/competition/insecurity going on. It's important to figure out what the real issue is if you want to make your marriage work (hopefully you do).

Maybe another story will help...my ex actually got me into distance running as an adult, and we did a bunch of running together to train for and run our first marathon. He was one and done, but I was just getting started. I ran more and ran better and got healthier and fitter. He didn't complain a lot but made my life harder in general and made it more difficult for me to run without feeling guilt or anxiety. In hindsight, our whole relationship was about him competing with me and needing to be better to feel good about himself, in school, running, whatever. I grew up with a sister like that, so maybe that was why it took me a long time to figure out that this is not normal. We couldn't fix our situation, but the root was really his insecurity based on how he was treated growing up. Running can identify the weak link in your relationship just like it identifies the weak link in your body.

I met my second husband through running, so a lot of things are certainly easier because we both love to run. But he is also a very supportive person and is not competitive with me, so the running thing is not the reason we are together. In the opposite to my previous marriage, it highlights the positive things about our relationship. Inevitably we go through times when one of us is injured and the other not or one of us piling on the miles and the other not. If you can support each other through all those highs and lows, you have a lot more good stuff going on that just a shared passion for a particular sport.

Think about what the rest of your time together is like. Do you have quality time like date nights or meals together or movie nights or whatever that allow you to connect, ore are you both in a constant grind and stressed out so that what little time you might get is actually compromised by the running? Does she have something that she enjoys doing on her own that you support her in, or does she end up not getting to do stuff because she has to take care of more things so that you can have time to yourself? It's important not to build resentment around something that is important to just one of you. Even with both of us runners, we still make sure that our running time isn't stepping on something important to the other person. There are still compromises about when the alarm goes off and who feeds the dogs and takes care of the laundry, etc.

Good luck, and I hope this works out for you. Stopping the running is not the answer, but I hope you can work something out so that it is not a stresser on your marriage.

Oh jesus,

This thread describes like half my male co-worker's lives. Its not about running, its about a woman who thinks her husband's presence will make her happy, and only live for that. She needs her own hobbies, she needs a life, you have to maintain separate activities, to be happy. (obviously you can share activities too, but not everything!) Spending every waking moment together, and having to involve her in everything you do, just isn't healthy. Nothing will change, until she gets her own life and learns to be happy without relying on you to entertain her all of the time.

She also is probably trying to control you.

No real solution, other than a very frank discussion. I don't know your wife, but I can imagine it would pay to encourage her to have her own activities that occupy her mind, so she is not obsessed over your activities and time spent. If she is happy with herself doing the things she wants to do, its only natural for her not to be bothered that you have the same happiness. Getting passed the idea, that everything in her life must revolve around you and being with you is probably the first step.

Good luck, but from what I have seen, this type of relationship doesn't seem to last. A guy gets sick of always being told "no, you can't golf!!" "No tennis for you!" and after a few years, the man just has had enough and leaves her. Or she leaves him for resisting her control. Either way...kind of sucks.

No advice but good luck.

Makes me realize how lucky I am.