Is there anyway you can tell your friend you think she has an eating disorder without creating drama?

If her parents are aware, stay out of it. Assume that they will take it from here.

Trollus Maximus wrote:

If her parents are aware, stay out of it. Assume that they will take it from here.

Typically, they are though, in the wrong way.

If your child feels strongly about some friend's health, your response is "stay out of it." You are teaching the caring child inaction, suppressing feelings, and utterly failing to teach the kid about appropriate roles in life. Meanwhile, the eating disorder sufferer gets to suffer some more. Those are *great* parenting choices. Golf clap.

Eating disorders are tough and girls in school got it real tough as there is so little time for healthy parents to deal with the topic while there is an endless supply of photoshopped images, heroin chic models, etc. Some unhealthy parents fuel the disorder, many just make poor choices. "stay out of it" is a good example of a poor choice.

As opposed to doing what exactly? The kid did her duty, showed and probably still shows concern. What more should she do? The dumbest thing to do is put the sqeeze on by trying to be a hero. Life is unfair, you do your best and at some point step back.

"I'm worried about you because of [x]. I'm not going to mention it again but if there is anything I can do please let me know."

Then step back. It's all you can do as a non-professional.

You need to address the issue in a matter of fact manner- without emotionality or judgment. Tell her that, from your untrained vantage point, she has a problem and that you are concerned about her health. Be honest and tell her that it's concerning you greatly and that you feel obligated, as her caring friend, to consult someone with more experience. Give it a week or two. Hopefully she'll agree to speak with someone. If not, notify her parents or your coach.

When I had an eating disorder, I was in serious denial. A lot of my friends tried to tell me I wasn't fat and that I needed food for fuel and so on, but I just ignored them.

Until one day a teammate noticed something I said on Facebook about my weight. She drove an hour to go for a run with me and talk about it. For an hour, she was completely non-judgmental, but reassured me that my weight was fine, to see a dietitian if I was concerned about my diet, and if it was emotionally difficult, to consider therapy. She never once said "eating disorder."

I went to an RD and sure enough, she told me to eat more. I tried to eat more but it was impossible. I cried my eyes out. I spent months and months obsessing over what I was eating, trying my best to eat enough. Finally, I committed myself to therapy.

I still credit my teammate for my health.

It's possible. Just don't say the words "eating disorder," don't be judgmental, and frame it as legitimate concern. Don't mention her appearance or how she looks, but rather her thoughts and behaviors.

Don't say "eating disorder", good grief.

Eating is not a disorder, it's a habit.

Talk about how you feel it's important to eat healthy and to have energy to run well. Have discussions with her, but don't try to argue or tell her what to do. She is not totally wrong, and you are not totally right, so have some discussion in the middle.

Thanks for sharing your experience. As someone whose wife has been a therapist specializing in ED for years, I fully understand the seriousness of the issue and am glad everyone on this thread is keeping it civil.

I think you're doing the right thing by saying something or trying to get her help.

Her parents sound like they want to help, so that's good. It's best they know.

I had a friend with anorexia, she is dead now.

Early intervention is key.

It's a mental illness. People aren't doing this to look good. They don't think they look good. Looking good is not being a skeleton.

Part of the problem is that people with this illness end up losing the capacity for rational thought. They don't think they're ill or whatever. I know of people being committed, involuntarily, to save their life. Some of them went on to have happy lives and ended up productive (one is a doctor now and happy). But at the time she didn't have capacity to make decisions and she thought she was fine. She was like a different person. I think the brain gets severely affected by extreme malnutrition.

Try not eating for a week and then see how many rational decisions you make...

Anyway, I hope it works out for your friend. For what it's worth, I definitely think you're doing the right thing by trying to do something.

Update us?

Only way to avoid drama is to interject humor with the serious message to detract from the emotional reaction. Be creative. Try something like a text message from an anonymous number, like "WEBB IS BACK BABY! And you have an eating disorder."