Anyone dated a girl with a borderline personality disorder?

If you hear something like, "I hate you but don't leave me", you are getting a clue as to the BPD problem. Their abandonment anxieties are so great they want to provoke you to leave them before they do something that actually makes you leave them. The woman I knew had an abusive childhood and her parents didn't really care about her. I don't think these women are born, but made. The sex may be great, but as soon as you suspect BPD-run!

On Saturday, my relationship to a BPD (let's call her Beth) ended in dramatic fashion - and you can guess who started it. For the best part of a year, I've been trying to help this girl, when I already knew that help has to come from within. I was blinded by her looks, her intellect (not emotional intelligence, for BPDs have none), and for the lots we have in common.

There were major red flags from the second I met her as a friend at work. Mean remarks, outbursts... She did apologize once - but that should have been enough for me to stay away. I had no idea what BPD was until I had bonded with her. Too late.

At the start, I was sucked in by the desire to help her and felt very sorry for her (still do to a small extent). As time went on, I realized she was an abuser and a manipulator - and that nothing I ever did or said would be good enough. Every little disagreement - every small thing - is a mountain for someone with BPD, and they generally don't give two craps for your feelings. They shout, rage, and enter psychotic meltdowns at a drop of a hat that they can't recover from - sometimes for hours. I'd been with her close to a year until last week, but was already thinking of a way to end it calmly and in good faith. I think she's been plotting to end it too, but didn't know how to do it in good faith so created insane drama to completely destroy our friendship.

We were having a drink together - me, her, and one of her friends (let's call her Sofie) - and listening to music. Earlier that day Beth had been raging about Sofie and how she was ready to cut all ties with her "What does she offer to me? What does she do for my life? Look how annoyed I am... why am I her mate". I noted to her that that was a very selfish position to take and that she'd been friends with Sofie since primary school. To a BPD it's ALL about themselves and what they can TAKE.

It turns out Sofie's big crime was to ask for a lift to Beth's house - and that she'd (apparently) made some sarcastic comments. The comments were probably totally warranted, because what BPDs don't tell you (because they are eternal victims) is that they said something to cause it - and they have VERY FEW friends (usually zero stable ones) because they've driven all the nice people away. Sofie, as it happens, had already made comments hinting that she was getting very fed up with Beth as a friend. Who can blame her?

Before we left, Beth was ranting that Sofie wanted ice "Why does she want ice???? What for???" - well for cocktails (that never entered Beth's head). But, once again, the smallest thing sets off a BPD. We picked Sofie up outside her house - Beth was complaining as she was waiting 10 minutes in the car. I made the comment that Sofie was probably being nice and gathering provisions (she was) but no good thought ever enters the head of a BPD. They are filled with bad thoughts permanently. Everything anyone does must have an ulterior motive - because really they are self reflecting. They think everyone is like themselves.

I should note that in the hour leading up to us setting off to pick up Sofie (who lived close by), I had tried to hug Beth to make her feel better. I got pushed away "Leave me alone! Go away!". She ordered me about, and insulted me numerous times before we set off. The night was over before it began. She was already going to wreck the night, you see. When a BPD is angry - and they ALWAYS ARE - then they take it out on those around them.

We set off. In the car, Beth immediately turned her attacks to me - making silly comments and nasty put downs. Mostly subtle digs at that point - but these continued into the night. I tried to hold my tongue and not to rise to it, because part of me suspected she was trying to produce drama. But full of wine and after listening to her deliberately provoke me by bringing up another lad, who I know she pursued before me, and other rude moments (that even her friend Sofie called her out on), I finally snapped. I said "You're rude, obnoxious, and trouble causing. You are after drama and you're not nice." At that point she escalated immediately to "Get out, or I'm calling the police" (I don't live with her, thank god). Sofie and I stared at her in disbelief, but she was deadly serious.

She now had the drama she craved. She tried to make out to Sofie that I was an awful person, and that I was ruining the mood for nothing - whereupon I said "Maybe you should tell Sofie what you were saying about her earlier, eh?" At this point, Beth went into an insane, violent rage - punched me square in the face, took my glasses off - crushing them - and then reached for my laptop and threw it clean out of the flat window (2 floors up) onto the concrete floor below, destroying it. She could easily have seriously injured someone, but she didn't care. She then reached for more of my stuff to launch out. She was in a frenzy - like a wild animal. I grappled her to the floor to see her smiling... with an almost sexual excitement in her eyes. She was LOVING IT. That's when she saw my other side. Finally. About time.

I said "Now... it's my turn." I smashed her glasses and threw her laptop out of the other window (no people can walk there). I then said "For every item of mine you damage, I am going to damage two of yours. Do you get it? Don't mess with me, you evil b****. You've had an easy upbringing and you have no idea what I've had to endure. You like insane do you? You want to see it????"

She wasn't smiling anymore.

Sofie was in shock and went to leave - but realized her mobile phone was missing. "Has it been thrown out??" Beth said calmly "Yes." She had thrown that out too - just to spite Sofie, probably because she had stuck up for me earlier.

Before I left, I called the police, because I wanted someone there while I got my stuff together and because I couldn't trust being alone with this deranged individual. The police arrived (when I'd already left and was outside looking for the remains of my laptop) and took a statement.

Next news, I am being told by Beth in a text message that she's pressing charges (err yeah - after you destroyed my stuff and assaulted me??) - I told her she can't, because the police found my laptop (which they did) and had logged the incident.

Foolishly, I sent her a nice e-mail on Monday to say she needs help and that I'd be there for her as a friend in the future if she needs it, but only if being treated by a health professional. My reward? She forwarded it to the police and has tried to raise a case of harassment against me. This is how their minds work. They are totally beyond any help or redemption - and you thinking that they deserve some sympathy for their illness does you no good, because they use it against you, and they KNOW what they are doing is wrong.

The sheer number of stories I can relate to over the last year is amazing... how easy she flies off the handle, abuses, manipulates--the mind games. None of that really worked against me, however, because I have a very solid ego and grew up living through far worse experiences. And maybe that's why she decided to pursue this little drama... because she had to end it somehow. Like they all do. They fear abandonment, but do everything to make it happen. They only care that, in the end, they were "right".

I advise anyone with a BPD to get out of there. Do not become romantically involved . Even as a friend I'd say keep a distance. The only exception to this is if they are seeing a mental health worker and actively TRYING TO GET HELP (unlikely). Otherwise, they will lie, cheat, abuse, demean, and emotionally destroy you. A large part of that is due to jealousy, because they see empathy and love and emotional stability in you that they don't have. They likewise gossip about others in stable relationships behind their back. They don't see people being nice to them as a good thing - they see it as something to tear down. They need to tear happy people down to make their own rotten lives feel better, because that's easier than putting the effort in to grow emotionally. It's like a fat person constantly making excuses for why they're fat - it's never the food, or their own lack of exercise, or lack of restraint.

I'll keep you updated on what happens next. The police have told me they fully understand what's happened and that I'm not to blame, but if I make any further contact with her, I'll be arrested. Rest assured... I won't be making any contact (though I did note to him that she may maliciously make something up). I'm back to work On Thurs. So, tomorrow, I'll also notify my manager, because it strikes me that this girl isn't going to go away until her lust for revenge is satisfied - and she's capable of anything. She may try to get me fired, for example. So, I'll need to be proactive.

The very idea she feels hard done by after all she's put me through is laughable - but BPD is all about victimhood. All about anger and hate. All about everyone else being wrong.

Shiiiite, I am so sorry you had to go through all this and then some! You’re doing the right thing now by removing yourself, so give yourself the credit. You are no Beth, you are not her life and there is nothing you could have done that would have ended thing differently.(you already know that)

Wouldn’t it be great if we all took actions on the very first flag that comes up...? But we never do, I’m still not sure why. You are on the right path though, it will be ok.

Good luck!

It's really fascinating how these BPD people are all so alike in a horrifying way. I associated with a skinny red haired young woman and I realized she had this BPD. I figured it had to be something and I quickly established what she in fact had. I'm glad I cut her off and never got in a relationship with her. But I was tempted. We would have great sex in my car and she always texted me and wanted me to be with her like 24/7 and threw a fit when I had to leave everytime begging me not to go or to let her come with me. Just too many red flags and the need to be holding on to me, literally, was enough to end it. But I can see how men get sucked in with the great sex and unfulfilled promises.

The thing that perplexes you most is that they get so hung up on small things... Really small things. They can rage over anything. Drinking water too loudly, dropping a cup - it's the end of the world to them.

The other week, she dropped a glass of wine on her carpet and was completely cool about it. I helped her clean it. Week after, I dropped a very small amount as I moved the glass - and she entered a complete meltdown. When you say "Why this reaction? You dropped one last week and it was far worse... let's clean this up" - you get back "I don't remember that! You are **** **** *** stupid! DOPEY! Can't even drink wine properly!!!" you never really know if they do remember it or not, but that's the night effectively over.

Instead of having a happy, loving girlfriend to snuggle with and share drunk stories - you have a monster that hates you for "disrespecting" her house. And she likely won't recover until she goes to sleep and wakes up next day. And that's if she hasn't kicked you out.

The smallest triggers set them off... and they can go from smiling and joking to fierce loathing and aggression in under 5 seconds. I also noticed in last 5 weeks that she had started getting physically abusive. Punched me in face 5 weeks ago - and again on Saturday. You know why? Because her mental abuse wasn't working. I was a real conundrum for her. They just up the ante. They go further and further until they finally make you lose your temper. Had I been sober Saturday, she'd have ended up looking foolish in front of her friend, but all honesty - I'd given in and wanted to leave her. I'm wondering what happens if physical violence is laughed at too (because I can tell you that doesn't work with me either)... do they start with knives?

There's so many stories I could tell. Here's one:

She kicked me out at 1 AM one night after having a go at me for absolutely everything I did. I "walk funny," I "closed door too hard", I "dropped a crumb on the floor". No. I am not kidding. And, like always, I called her out on it and told her she was being abusive. Then, one hour later, she asked me to get her some toilet paper. She said "4 squares... i know you love getting loads of it!" I should have sat back down and said "Get your own." - I came back with 4. She said "I said 3, but okay." I said - no you asked for 4. She went psychotic, shouting, saying she'd asked for 3 and that I was clearly trying to irritate her. Again, I don't know if she actually believed it - probably not. But think about how absurd that is? And you kick someone out for it at 1 AM?

They are mean and bad. They do things like that all the time to make you feel worthless or stupid. They are manipulators and abusers of the worst order. They want you on edge and walking on egg shells to CONTROL YOU. That didn't work with me, because I recognized what she was doing - but her response was to try to condition me by punishing my "bad" behaviour. So, most guys would eventually think "Better not open my mouth next time" - and there's the whole point. Well, that nonsense never worked on me, so evidently I wore out my welcome hahaha

Thank you for sharing all that, man. I read it all. Get it out. Tell the story to others too. Go see a therapist if you can. Relationships with BPD women really mess you up. I ended mine 1.5 years ago and have just been starting to feel like I could be in a relationship again, and even now with a lot of good, exciting things going on in my life, I still sometimes long for my BPD ex and the blissful times we had. Of course there is no bliss with BPD types without the insane, ridiculous, idiotic drama too, so it's not worth it. What's possibly hardest of all is how much you care about them, how seemingly EASY it would be for them to fix their problems, and how absolutely they refuse to ever do ANYTHING to better themselves or heal or address their issues. On the few occasions my ex admitted to her problems, she would then deny them days, or sometimes even minutes later in the same conversation! I would remind her she just said a minute ago she does X, Y, Z, and now she's saying she never does X, Y, Z. It is very, very hard to deal with or make any sense of even once you're out and on with your life.

Read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." I think it's the best book on BPD. BPD comes from extreme abuse and neglect in childhood, usually severe instability along with sexual abuse of some kind in there. The psyche ends up fracturing as a survival mechanism, but largely they development gets frozen in time as a 5 year old. Other "sub-personalities" come out at times, and they can sometimes be very calm and reasonable even, but it never lasts any length of time at all. Even though I am very, very glad to be out and on with my life, I confess that being in love with my BPD ex, having fantastic, passionate daily sex, holding her and being with her, is still the greatest feeling I've ever experienced in my life. It really is analogous to a drug. Even when you're out and done and understand how bad heroin is, you still remember how great it felt at the same time.

Best wishes to you, man. Thanks again for sharing. Read everything you can on BPD and get yourself into a professional and talk if you can. Talking about things helps tremendously. Also, think of every possible way you can protect yourself. BPD types tend to be extremely vengeful and will lie, cheat, steal, make up stories, cut and hurt themselves, etc to try to harm you. Be wise. Protect yourself.

And then she accuses you of gaslighting - and starts telling all of your friends that you are mentally abusing her by gaslighting.

indianajones1989 wrote:

Don't kid yourself about BPD women. They are EXTROADINARLY dangerous. They are they most calculating and deceptive human beings you will ever meet. I swear to God that if they weren't so emotionally unstable, they would give CIA interrogators a run for their money as far as mind games and emotional manipulation are concerned.

LOL, this is actually pretty funny but no, they wouldn't be. I know you're saying to take the emotions out but irrespective of that they are not logical, not methodical and they certainly do not plan ahead particularly well. They would probably try to smash someone into the ground emotionally and end up closing someone up.

To the guy who wrote the long awful story about the smashing of possessions, I'm really glad you're out of that. Please don't stay in situations like that again, especially for a year. Nothing good will come of it. I hope you are doing OK now - it sounds like it was awful.

The smashing happened once (Saturday) and that was the end of our relationship - but that was all by design because she wants to go back to Tinder and start getting dicked all over like before we met. But she didn't know how to end the relationship like a human - so provoked me. Had I hit her, I'd now be in real trouble. Of course, she hit me. She wanted that to happen, btw. Then she can play victim and have "evidence" that I am a monster.

The violence started last 5 weeks - so you can see there's been a clear change in her tactics. It's because she knew her emotional abuse was failing. I always called her out on it. I never walked on egg shells. She even said drunk (and in front of her mate Andy 2 months ago) "He isn't like my ex... he answers back. He stands up to me." And then later to me "The reason I lasted 7 years with Gary [her ex] is because he never argued with me". Poor guy. A total doormat and he's completely ex-communicated her after his patience obviously finally ran dry.

Of course the story she tells is that he was an awful drunk that drove her to kiss another guy- and that was the end of their relationship. I asked her a few times whether she had sex with someone else but she always denied it strongly - that it was only a kiss. Yet she is the one that uses word "cheated". I don't really know if she did - but my feeling is if you asked Gary, he'd have 7 years of horror stories to tell.

I am very proud and happy that you guys are sharing. Let it all out, you never deserved any of this. You are being listened to and cared for. Talking about it with your friends, reading on the subject, seeing a therapist, exercising to stay focussed will all help you recover from the abuse. Best of luck!

GET OUT NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!! I was married to a cluster b it only gets worse.

Daniel. Don't have any further contact with this person. I will be ultra pissed if you do.

It literally can't happen even if I wanted to... which I don't. Because she'll have me arrested and ruin my life. She gets what she deserves.

Actually, I tell a lie. One thing did work against me for a month or so - stonewalling. She'd vanish for 2 days out of nowhere... and leave me to wonder why - make me suspicious - maybe she's cheating (and maybe she was)? What have I done? Is she okay?? But regardless - it makes you paranoid, clingy, obsessive. Eventually I realized that tactic too and I no longer fell for it - but in true BPD style, she turned it back to me by saying I'm needy.

it's another abuse tactic. And remember... it's never ever the BPD's fault.

daniel1984 wrote:

It literally can't happen even if I wanted to... which I don't. Because she'll have me arrested and ruin my life. She gets what she deserves.

I know I am beating a dead horse, but you absolutely need to let it go completely. Nowadays social media makes it difficult to completely cut the cord, but you need to not respond or follow, delete, defriend, block and whatever else to make a clean break. Women with mental and emotional problems are like con artist, they understand human behavior; they spend time studying you. They know what makes you tick.; they know how to draw you back in. The carrot unusually involves letting you know how great of a guy you are, admitting they were wrong, sometimes even admitting they have a problem and then sex. Great sex! If she can get you in the bed, it might be game over; she has got you back. Not sure why, but crazy women are better at sex than a normal ones. I am letting you know that a cray girl can only hold it together as-in act normal for a period of time. The crazy will come back! Btw, the second breakup is usually the worst, this is the one where she tries to end your career, put in jail or have a contract put out on you. I BS you not! Right now I am talking to you like I would talk to my own son. - Good luck and stay safe.

Yes to all of this! Stick to YOUR friends, YOUR surroundings, get the help YOU need. Cut clean and stay safe and healthy!

I think she knows I'm not coming back, so she's skipped right through to putting me in jail this time. She's really trying. I've contacted police and had them accept pictures of my face - 2 marks left by her assault - just in case she ever manages to get anywhere with her pathetic vendetta.

I'm a female and I had a female friend who was Borderline. Of course, I had no idea that she was borderline when we met. She became really attached to me and within about three weeks of knowing each other, it's like we were best friends. She made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to her. Always texting, always wanting to get together. We hung out about once a week, if not more, and texted multiple times a day.

But then after maybe 9 months she started acting really weird. She became judgmental of me and my running (she was a runner too). When I wasn't receptive to her running advice, she started distancing herself. And then she started lying about the oddest things relating to her running. And then she stopped interacting with me, stopped liking my posts on social media, basically ghosted me. She found another best friend and they seemed to have the type of relationship that we used to have.

It also seemed like every six months she would make a major life change. She would be 100% all-in on something and then give it up to pursue something entirely different.

She was married and all I know about their marriage was that he constantly had to talk her off a ledge. She was always freaking out about something, and he would calm her down. It also felt like he viewed her as a trophy wife. When he talked about her, he always stressed her accomplishments and her looks, not who she was as a person. As a couple, they lived well beyond their means, making extravagant purchases and always having to have the best of everything.

It was a whirlwind friendship. Came on quickly, was very intense, and then ended somewhat abruptly for no apparent reason.

formerly steve the addict wrote:

It's really fascinating how these BPD people are all so alike in a horrifying way. I associated with a skinny red haired young woman and I realized she had this BPD. I figured it had to be something and I quickly established what she in fact had. I'm glad I cut her off and never got in a relationship with her. But I was tempted. We would have great sex in my car and she always texted me and wanted me to be with her like 24/7 and threw a fit when I had to leave everytime begging me not to go or to let her come with me. Just too many red flags and the need to be holding on to me, literally, was enough to end it. But I can see how men get sucked in with the great sex and unfulfilled promises.

Yup, similar situation for me. She was a newer coworker who was really flirty in a pure seeming way. I had no idea I was seeing symptoms of any disorder until this was long in the past. It progressed to kissing me on the cheek at work before I left, telling me she wanted to go out, etc. Just acting really into me very quickly and I wasn't used to that. Put me off my guard, of course. She was a former collegiate swimmer on scholarship at Ole Miss who dropped out (though not before allegedly being sexually assaulted by a football player) and was at present studying herbal medicine. Really cute with a fit body. So it was always this way at work, her making a big show that she liked me, having daily conversations, etc. She gave me her number and when I'd try to call or text outside of work, I got like a 10% response rate. And I'd see her at work the next day or week and it would be back to the constant come-ons. It was starting to eff with my head. I never wound up getting together with her outside of work, except for drinks after work once. But I went right home after alone, because I was more interested in banging the female coworker she had invited to join us, but that's a different story. A buddy of mine said he saw her out at a store with some guy. Anyway, she took a leave of absence from work and then when she came back three months later she tried to start up the flirtation again yet I remained cordial and put up a clear social wall to her. I noticed her bitching about me to her friends and just maintained a stony demeanor with her. I didn't care what other people thought of me from what she told them, I just didn't want to be played in any way. Looking at a lot of these stories, I see real similarities and I can only wonder what she put the guy(s) she was with outside of work through. I'm just really glad I took a pass!