Breaking Up With a Girl

I'm not much for advice but are you eventually going to marry her so you don't want to make her feel bad. It wouldn't work anyway, move on.

first of all, if you break it off on the basis of seeing her on that one visit, you are a jackass. I assume she can lose the weight as easily as she gained it in the 3 months. And this new runnerbabe you met could turn out an evil, whackjob and cold as ice as a lover. So, my best advice is do NOT put all your eggs in this new basket.

So what in the heck do you think happened in those 3 months? Is it some kind of temporary fatty phase due to lack of exercise or several family reunions in a month, or were you just imagining that she hot before and she really wasn't, due to excess booze or desperation?

Trust me on one thing- runnerbabes are my favorite physical type also, but more often than not, they are NOT the ideal life partners for various reasons. I wouldn't do it until 1 or 2 more visits. Date the new chick very casually if you want, but don't be a jerk and cheat on her until you are absolutely certain about things. And if you go through with your breakup on the basis of the fat content, she will be depressed and angry, and you will have to deal with the sobbing, the headachy conversations and the hang ups for a while. Its not fun.

Cruzer, you speak the truth. yeah..i know breaking up with her is going to be a big pain. one thing though, she lives about 10 hours away in a different state..so i think that will really buffer this out a bit.

it really is her body. man, she is starting to tell me some serious stuff..about our relationship..and i have NO idea why she balloned like that? what should i say, or do? wait it out..i mean, she is planning to come here July 4th weekend..cause again our schedules are pretty tight until then? is it wise to even bring up her weight with her? the problem is, she never exercises..but she didn't look like that till now. i mean, i mention running before..cause i'm pretty seroius about it, and she'd always tell me to find a sport, instead of just run. she was saying it jokingly usually..but now it's kinda like SHE needs to start running. i feel so bad. but man, i don't wanna be stuck in a relationship with a girl that i am not physically attracted too, right? i really don't.

so should i just keep talking to her on the phone like nothing is bothering me for awhile? i don't want to keep leading her on though. should i just tell her i want out of hte relationship? i mean, she is very nice..but i just didnt' feel sexually into her at all last time. i feel like an a-hole. should i just ignore her totally..as a friend told me. i don't think i can be that much of an ass to do that.

please help

thanks

Major Dilemma

In a Major Dilemma,

I've been through something almost exactly like this. I was doing the long distance thing with a girl who lived about 5 hrs away. I rarely got to see her, and we didn't even talk all the time. Anyways, she put on weight, especially in her face, which really turned me off. I was totally not attracted to her and knew things were not going to work out. I also wanted to start dating this other girl I knew. I explained to her that because I never got to see her that the feelings I had for her had faded and I could not continue the long distance thing(i wouldn't mention you not finding her attractive). She respected what I had to say, and even though she was crying over the phone I didn't give in because I knew it would just be delaying the inevitable. You should break up with her for sure man, unless you go to the same college then you'll never see her anyways. Good luck!

first of all, chill out a bit on this one. don't make it out to be such a big deal. give her the usual excuse if she tries to get too close, i.e., tell her you don't want to go too fast, you want to play things by ear, you're very busy w/ work/school, etc. you sbouldn't feel bad, as you are not the one that gained the weight. altho that might sound bad, she should take care of herself, especially given the fact that you take care of yourself as a runner. if she loses the weight, great, if not, move on. that's it. you aren't the only guy in the world that isn't attracted to fat chicks. so, to make a long story short, keep her in the mix, see what happens w/ the other runner chick, and chill the hell out. finally, tell her to step off w/ that BS about finding a sport.

its good to have all those thoughts, but do NOT take your friend's advice to just ignore her, if you guys have dated awhile, been intimite, and you talk to her all the time. The reason I responded is that I did a similar thing once, and regretted it. So I know what its like to lose the sexual attraction and do the dumping thing.

Just stick to the plan.

1. Give it at least one or 2 more visits.

2. Keep in touch with the new girl, get to know her as a really good friend- all the time she will be building the hots for you if there is true attraction. Don't rush it, just keep yourself in her picture. Don't let her forget about you. She will be there later if you do it right.

3. OK, now you are back to your girlfriend on the phone and over the 4th. You MUST encourage your girlfriend to work out in the gym, run, swim or do something. Act like her coach and set her up with a beginning running program. Do everything you can to see if she will see this as something that will cement the relationship. Tell her its important that she AT LEAST do some kind of workout program. Tell her fitness is very important to you..but leave it at that. Don't ever give a specific example of her body unless you want to spend a horrible phone call or weekend together. Let her take the hint. She will figure it out and it won't be as bad a scene. If she totally rebels about the fitness thing, then go to the next step.

3. OK, if its clear the chick is not going to ever have those nice hard abs and the awesome fit body. NOW, really, really think about other aspects before you make your decision- does this overweight girl talk about you all the time, care about your life, laugh with you and do things to please you more than not? If she does, you really have to stop yourself and think twice. Not many girls are like that. It IS important..trust me. And as for sex- is she creative and does she have a great sexy mind? If she does, take my advice- it IS important. When you get older, you want a chick who wants to play and knows how to play.

3. If you make the move and pull the plug, you WILL just have to suck it up and deal with her pain. Just prepare yourself for it, but be honest. Its our burden to deal with as men with tastes in runnergirls. She is going to be devastated. You will be the worst a-hole in her eyes, and you MAY regret it..if the new girl is a psycho and you need someone to talk to, you may not have that other girl to even talk to.

Good luck. C

If you're not attracted to her (I'm not big on heavy chicks myself) then it's better cutting it off right now. You'll save both yourselves a lot of grief by just ending it fast. Look, you live 10 hours away, and unless you marry her you're gonna have to break up eventually.

You don't have to give her all the reasons, just tell her it isn't working out because of the distance. Say you're very sorry and you enjoyed having a relationship but this is how it has to be. Follow up with this new girl, it doesn't make you a bad person for being interested in her. Even if girls look fit, if they don't exercise it's a turnoff for me, so finding a chick who runs is always a plus.

Or I could've just echoed what JoeRunner said.

you guys are making me feel so much better. thanks for all the advice. i'm still a little stuck on whether i should do the one or two more visits. she's coming out here in July. Should i do something over the phone. email is out of hte question..i'm way too close to her to do that to her. she has to at least hear my voice. man, i just don't want her to get depressed and feel like shit. i just want everyone to be happy. but i'm NOT happy. dammit..i'm way too inexperienced at this. only two other relationships i've been in, I'VE been dumped..but i didn't take it hard. i just can't stop thinking about how she is going to take it.

and yeah, we do live 10 hours away. she is still in college, i graduated last May, and took a job in my home state. but we never went to college together. i just met her through friends. like in a group thing. plus, i'm taking a new job in another city in my state in August..and i know this sounds awful, but worst comes to worst, i'll have a new phone number and a new residence after her visit in July.

you guys rock. and yes, porn does make sticky situations..not help get out of them!

I assume you and her are in your 20's. Let me make one thing clear to you. If she has problems with her weight while still young, then forget it. She will end up being very fat down the road. Being young is the easiest time to be thin; it only gets harder from there. There is too much food lying around and too little exercise for most people and she falls into the most people category. Sure she could make a huge life change down the road and turn things around with her weight, but I hope that is not all that you will be counting on. Let her weight gain be a little warning shot fired over your head. You just have to bite the bullet on this and do what is best for everybody and move on. Otherwise, get used to cottage cheese because that is what you will be looking at all day long some time down the road.

tell her you want to go on a break and give some sort, and tell her you would still like her to come july 4 weekend and see how things pan out then. that way you can give this new girl a try b/c you are on a break and maybe takin a break will have a positive effect on this girl in the long run and give her motivation to get in shape. so then when she visits on july 4, if things dont work out with the new girl or if she gets back in shape you can break off the break and get back in there, or if she comes back still out of shape or if things work out with the new chick, you can get wasted (enough til she looks pretty again) then do her and send her packin cuz shes ten hours away and your new girl isnt likely to find out. well good luck with the situation, but man if that girl cant keep in shape for you then she ain't worth it.

thanks everybody. she is going to be 21 soon. i am going to be 23 soon. so we are still young. but yeah..i understand the comment about her not being able to stay thin and fit young..then it will be a disaster down the road.

do you guys think if she is still bigger come July 4, i should just ask her to start working out. i've never dated bigger girls before..and i swear, she was not anywhere near where she is now. i still feel weird bringing it up, cause she likes me a lot. i always say that i must have a big ego..but seriously, she's totally falling for me. if htis was 3 months ago, i would be reciprocating in a heartbeat. but not like this. maybe i should suggest a low carb diet. haha. i just saw something about this on the news just now. supposed to be a big thing, like the new Atkins.

worse yet everybody, she is a vegetarian. so where is the fat coming from? dammit.

She's fat, lives in another state and you met a hot chick recently. The answer's obvious.

pig.haha..yeah, i understand that. i totally do. but the thing is..man, i don't want to break her heart. like she is going to take this awfully. and if so..how do i do it? i'm doing the dumping..shoot, why am i the one agonizing over this?

Unfortunately, the best way to break it off is to be cold (unfeeling). Too often the result of being a nice guy as you break it off is she will continue to think you are right for her. You don't help her move on that way!

I married my wife because she is what I want: fit, kind, thoughtful, cheerful, pragmatic, and genuine. I knew what I wanted by going through a few relationships that revealed what I didn't want. Sort of like answering a multiple choice test question, the most accurate way is eliminate the wrong answers first. You are learning that lesson now. Tinman

Here's some girl advice...I was with my boyfriend for a couple of years and there was a period of time when I gained 10lbs (lost it later). This had me a bit freaked, but my boyfriend didn't give a crap because he loved me. It sounds like you're probably not going to be falling in love with this girl, because if you were then you would not be getting into a state about the whole fat thing. This girl probably deserves someone whom is not going to care so much about her weight. I do understand that you're not attracted to her because of it, and that is difficult, but it seems that if you're basing the whole break-up due to a weight issue, then you're better off out of the relationship anyway.

thanks for the advice CCoffey. Thanks for a woman's perspective on this. well, i do feel like shit for being so superficial. the problem however is not whether i want out or in the relationship..i'm going to take Cruzer's advice on that one..and play it out and see if she cares enough about her body to take care of it..but the real dilemma is, how do i break this off to her. i mean, she is so damn nice and so sweet, and the best part is she is so frickin into me, but..she is only 20 years old. and unless she takes care of her body, the above posters are right..she isn't ever going to.

so how do i do this..should need be. and should i even try to console her..or just break it off all at once. and then just say goodbye, and please never call me again. that sounds rude as all hell..but how else could she get the picture?

When/if you do break up with her, you should not bring up the weight issue. I think you know that though. When I broke up with a great great guy I made it very clear that it was over and that we would never be together again. Do not give her any false hope because it's just too unfair on her. You may feel like a horrible person for being pretty blunt about it, but in the long run, it better for all. You should choose your words carefully, be kind and considerate but at the same time firm. You don't need to tell her not to call you ever again as that is pretty harsh, however if she does continue to bombard you with calls then break it to her. Do not call her when you're feeling lonely though, that gives off mixed messages. You will miss her you see and will be tempted to phone. Goodluck with it all, it's not a great situation to be in, but I think we all have to go through it at some point.

one more question..breaking off relationships by emails is bad, right? i mean, i would do it either in person (probably not since she is so far away) or over the phone so she could hear my voice. it's just that..man.haha..but, that would save me so much headache. i KNOW she is going to be sobbing over this. why the heck can't she just stay fit. that sounds awful, and at least i admit it..so maybe there is a way just to be blunt with her and tell her, if this is going to continue, she's going to have to start execising or something.

to top a lot of shit off..she's told me in the past that i'm not superficial like other guys. that was when she was Hot. dammit. so now what do i do. i think you've all answered that..i'm just rethinking everything i guess..cause what if she becomes suicidal or stuff. i dunno. i've never really broken it off with a girl that was this into me before. i wish i could reciprocate it for her.