Considering Divorce

Been there, done that. RUN as fast you can in the other direction! It sounds to me like she is the typical fairy-tale-princess type who has built the whole marriage-house-kids keeping up with Joneses thing in her head. Once she got all the things she was supposed to want, it just wasn't enough. Having a child "because all of her friends are pregnant and or have had children" is the most shitty, selfish, and unsatsifying reason for her to have children.

I also made the mistake of marrying a shallow girl who became bitter very quickly. This will get MUCH, MUCH worse until you will literally be wanting to figure out the easiest way out. Get out now before you inadvertently knock her up: for the love of God, do not implant this woman with your seed. You definitely don't want to have to deal with this woman for (at least) the next eighteen years.

I'll keep it simple: get out while you can. If you feel like you have given your best to the relationship then just do it, because with each step you make in your life it gets that much harder.

I knew within the first couple of years of getting married that I had really made a mistake. But I tried to hang in there because it was what I thought I was supposed to do, and once the kids came along I didn't want to split up my family. Down the road we moved into a house, so I decided to stick it out, our first child came, stick it out, moved again, stick it out, baby No. 2...you get the picture.

It was the same thing as others have mentioned: I got the shut-off (of course), and she was always depressed and never happy (standards of happiness being unattainable), was controlling never wanted to spend time with me. I worked two jobs but when I had time off she would make plans with other people, and when I would bust my butt to get home from work at night I'd get home (like around 9:30) to find her in bed asleep. On a weekend! She never supported my running or my other activities/hobbies and when I would suggest going to a movie or dinner or something she'd be like "we'll see, maybe". She recently admitted at the end of our relationship she was no longer attracted to me.

That went on for 18 years! Three years ago I finally decided to ask for a divorce and while the first year or so absolutely sucked and I hate not living with my boys (although I only live about a mile from them now) it's the best thing I could have done. Like a lot of people I came out on the other side so much happier, I have a great girlfriend and I feel better about my life and the future. It's a struggle financially sometimes, and I still have to deal with her drama because of the kids, but in the end it was hard but the best thing for me.

When I was going through some hard times, I remember talking to a friend of mine who has also been divorced and he said "in two years none of what you feel will matter". It's two-plus years later and he is right. It will suck for a while, no doubt, but once you can get past it and move forward with your life you won't regret it.

Get out while the getting is cheap. You've only been married two years, although you have bought a house together you probably have relatively few assets. Unless there are special circumstances you haven't told us about there is little chance of alimony (although higher in a few states then most), so split the house equity, divide up the stuff and move on.

Although this dude is getting off easily I would submit that this is another cautionary tale of why a guy should never, ever submit himself to the dictates and whims of the court system. Don't get married. Ever. Especially if you are a guy.

I don't have time to read all the replies, but your life sounds hellish and people should try to avoid having hellish lives. I'd get out if I were you.

kroger wrote:

Hopefully a troll wouldn't write this much. I recommend intensive couples counseling. Divorce should be the last option, not your first. Reduce your mileage to 40-50 MPW and be a better husband to her.

WHY????

So there can be TWO people unhappy with their lives/bodies instead of one?

To the OP:

1. Does your wife want to be happy? If she is not seeking happiness, you have a right to seek your own.

2. Does she call you "weird" and "sickly looking" in a serious, mean way? If so, I can't imagine that you can have a relationship with someone who has such contempt for you.

Wow, you just told my life story about my unhappy marriage: grumpy wife, her significant weight gain and dominating personality, no sex, pressure to have kids, her jealousy about my running and dedication to staying in shape, etc., etc. Jeez, even your and her height/weight match mine and my ex-wife's.

Unless you have strong religious beliefs that divorce is sinful or wrong - get out, and divorce her asap!! No kids to worry about? Leave now! I regret not doing it way, way sooner than I did. Like you, we were not on the same page about many very important things with our lifestyle and future plans. I fell completely out of love with her. The main reason I waited was fear of what my family would think, and admitting failure. In the meantime I was miserable and while trying to make things work, there was no progress and we grew further apart...

Although I don't advocate taking the marriage vows lightly, I also relate to the terrible unhappiness and stress of being stuck with the wrong person - and to give up on life when you are so young would be a disservice to yourself and will affect your ability to have a positive influence on those around you.

I disagree with posters who said divorce is the last option. No way is it the last option. Staying married is the last option! I would only agree it was the last option if there was a kid involved, or again if you had deep religious convictions about it - that would change things completely. But otherwise, it is the best option at this point in time, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Since you are already out of love with her, you will bounce back quickly and be so much happier for it, almost immediately. I would hope your family and friends would respect you for it - probably right away, and certainly over time. More than likely, your friends and family already sense problems and are secretly hoping you will come to the conclusion that divorce is best before you get really stuck in a terrible marriage by having a kid. And you would be surprised how many of your friends who appear to have strong marriages are really faking it, and will reveal this to you after your break up.

There is such a thing as marrying the wrong person. It happened to me. It happened to you. Thankfully you are at a point in your life when you can extricate yourself from the marriage with a minimal amount of pain. If you are like me, the mourning of your failed marriage has already taken place through counseling and in your own thoughts - and once you are out you won't have any regrets and you will make a fast rebound towards a happy life!!

Norman, you can divorce your wife now, move to Arizona and open a motel while taking care of your mom.

At some point I may show up and ask for a room. The one with the holes drilled through the wall.

- But on a more serious note: get out while you can. All the best to you!

Talk to your close friends about it. Get a second and third opinion. The most important would be your parents (hard to do but they could really help) and your pastor if you go to church (usually is easy if he is a good guy)

Norman B. wrote:

A few things that have prevented me from going through a divorce have been pride and disappointment. I absolutely hate to quit or fail or let anyone down. We've sought counseling for a year and we just can't make the progress we'd hoped for.

Divorce is the best choice for both of you.

Don't wait - do it now.

Just make sure that you can look back and say you did all you could to make it work. I think you said that you have been in counseling for a year. If that's the case, maybe you have done everything you could.

Frankly, the situation sounds so one-sided, I wonder if you are leaving out facts.

Don't have kids!

Interesting story. Soon enough you shouldn't have to deal with the ex-wife drama any longer.

Alowyul wrote:

Talk to your close friends about it. Get a second and third opinion. The most important would be your parents (hard to do but they could really help) and your pastor if you go to church (usually is easy if he is a good guy)

UG UG UG. Don't do this unless you are prepared to TAKE their advice. DO NOT do this just to vent. I am so sick and tired of friends telling me all the pitfalls of their spouses, which make me not like their spouse, knowing what a fekking jerk he is, and then I have to see them when friend do not leave said spouse. It is awkward to the guy knowing that I have advised friend to leave the guy. Then I feel annoyed that I let friend complain ad nauseam, wasting my time.

I am dealing with a friend right now who basically disrespects her partner (not married, but together 10+ years) and she has made me dislike her partner, but she says now that it is too difficult at the moment to leave him. My next advice to her: If you are going to stay with your guy, STOP complaining about him and act committed.

1 - Don't have sex with her. I only say this because if she gets pregnant, your decision becomes exponentially more difficult. Adding that element to this problem will only make things worse, not better.

2 - It's past time for a break. Leave her alone for a while. Personally, I was in your shoes 16 years ago and wish I had gotten out. Instead, I've got two kids and now I am committed to seeing them through HS. Four more years to go.

3 - My wife doesn't work; never really has so we have never fought over money. In fact, we've never fought at all. However, if your wife wants to quit work...again, another major life stressor added to your issues. You need to reduce problems instead of adding them.

I'm not 30 and I think about divorce much differently than I did when I was. Back then, I thought it meant I was a failure or not strong enough to get past issues. I don't think that anymore. I don't dislike my wife at all. I just don't think she is happy with me and I am not happy with her.

Shouldn't we find someone we want to spend time with?

9/10.

I know you're a troll because of the post-nuptial shutoff, the pressure to have kids, and the issue she has with your running. These are classic letsrun topics. Great job.

Also the new "Mrs. Norman B" thread is the dead giveaway.

1. You say you were together for 2.5 years before the marriage. What was the frequency of intercourse during this time? Was it vigorous on her part? Was she initiating? Was she enjoying herself?

2. If you have truly had intercourse only 10 times in the 2 years of marriage, that is insane. That is not healthy or normal. If true, that statistic by itself, with no other information, is enough to condemn the situation.

3. How do you handle this shutoff? Do you watch pornography? Do you seek sexual contact outside the marriage? Are you masturbating regularly? How frequently have you been ejaculating during these 2 years?

4. Acknowledging that we are hearing only your side of the situation, she sounds like a nightmare.

5. Lastly, and most important, for you and anyone else listening, this is why you only get with asian women.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever your decision.

Of course it's trolling . . . but it's fine bit of trolling and you should be proud of it.

She's not happy. She needs some seperate counseling. You should also get seperate counseling to sort things out, it will at least help you set goals and deal with her issues peacefully.

Set goals and a reasonable timeline. Communicate these with her. Small amounts of growth in the relationship can be meaningful, but it there is no growth get out. You don't have to get divorced, but you can't keep doing the same thing.

Obviously, do not have kids right now. Keep running if you like it, that is not the problem if you are healthy and happy with yourself. Don't worry about her weight right now. Sex/affection should be a long term goal, but maybe not a short term goal. Work hard, be kind to her, her friends, her family. Don't try to accomplish too much at night, people are tired. Focus on weekends together. Good luck.

Stop arguing with her. Start looking at the relationship objectively. Tell her calmly what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate. If you don't know this yourself, you need to figure it out.

You'd be a fool to stay where you are in terms of your relationship. A fool. So stop reinforcing it. Make a change in your behavior and give her a chance to do the same. It is unrealistic to expect her to make a huge change in her outlook, but you should give her a chance. If she can't even recognize what is wrong, cut your losses. Most people can't change.

This relationship is sucking the life out of you and there is something wrong with you if you continue to embrace it. If there is something wrong with you, fix it with or without her. This is more important than her problems.