http://simonstitchup.blogspot.com/2009/12/frikkin-told-ya-so.htmlyou guys HAVE to check the picture out!
So it turns out, by hook or by crook... THE STITCH-UP TEAM WAS RIGHT!
Actually, it's not that shocking really - cutting the bullshit, erring on the side of pessimism and taking the non-politically correct viewpoint to most garbage that goes on in the world turns out to be right 99% of the time, so our market analysts have told us...
A few days ago, we "reported" here that Eldrick "Tiger" Woods was a lyin', cheatin' douche of a guy and that the real reason he crashed his SUV at 2.30am in the morning was because his normally princess-like wife got wind he was "parking" his "Bently" in a different "garage", and chased him down the driveway with a 64 degree flop wedge.
And it's all true - save for the fact that it now appears that Eldrick has actually been accessing many different "parking facilities..."
Offering a "profound apology", the supposedly squeaky-clean family man admitted he had "not been true to my values and the behaviour my family deserves".
Insisting that those transgressions were a private matter and "felt by us alone", Woods, the world's first billionaire sportsman, promised to "strive to be a better person, and the husband and father that my family deserves".
Woods, who is married to a former Swedish model and has two young children , had faced growing speculation over his private life after a US gossip magazine claimed he had been having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, a New York nighclub hostess.
Miss Uchitel denied the claims but two rival magazines have since named two more women, a Los Angeles cocktail waitress and a Las Vegas nightclub promoter.
Jaimee Grubbs, the waitress, told Us Weekly she was 21 when she was approached by Woods at a Las Vegas nightclub in April 2007.
She claimed they had had a "clandestine on-off affair" ever since and - most embarrassingly for Woods - had hundreds of text and voicemail messages to prove it.
In a voice message published on the magazine's website today, a man identifying himself as "Tiger" pleaded with her to take her name off her voicemail greeting as "my wife went through my phone and may be calling you".
He said: "I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart...I am dealing with my behaviour and personal failings behind closed doors with my family."
First of all Tiger, spare us the f***ing "regret my transgressions" bullshit a) we know you didn't write it yourself and b) the only reason you regret it it because your arse got busted. You didn't regret busting in nut in grubby Jamie Grubbs one bit.
Secondly, "strive to be a better person, and the husband and father that my family deserves" - dude it's not long iron practice where you "strive" to be able to hit that power fade three iron into tight pin positions. Don't be so f***ing presumptuous and think that the public "apology" that your IMG boys wrote for you will automatically cut it. I for one hope that Elin Woods stays true to the high moral standards most Scandinavian families have, cuts your fortune in half and gets the f*** of there. I mean why would you care? You quite obviously don't love her the way you should pal and didn't care about what she was up to as you were doing the "Tiger fist pump" with these rude damsels.
Thirdly, you might be the greatest golfer that has ever lived, but you're a bit f***ing simple aren't you? Did you REALLY think that all those phone calls and text messages you sent to D-grade television celeb and cocktail waitress who earns twenty bucks and hour were never going to eventually see the light of day to be "sold" for the right price? It never ceases to amaze me how dumb you f***ers are! In a world in which the number of shits we take daily is probably being monitored by the US Government, did you REALLY think a detailed record of your infidelity (including calling some bimbo on the night you wife chased you down the driveway with a golf club to ask her to delete her name off her voicemail) would just disappear into thin air?
The bottom line is this. Sure, it's your private life and you don't have to answer to Simon Stitch-up, Asif from McDonalds, Sue from Plumbing World - no one. But this is a website about stitch-ups and stitching oneself up and you have most certainly stitched yourself up a beauty.
For as staff writer Mr 50-50 pointed out so poigniantly this morning if you choose to take the path of the squeaky-clean, outrageously disciplined perfectionist who appears to hold himself and those around him to a high moral ground, you have to play by your own rules and just not do unecessary shit like this. Many of us can only dream about marrying ex-models from Sweden - you of all people should be counting your blessings my friend.
By the way Eldrick, Mickelson might not be as good as you, rich as you, have a hotter (ex)wife than you, nor be adored by suck-off golf fans all over the world like you - but he sure is f*** is a better man than you. So stick that up your Buick pal.
Stitch-up of a guy.