Tell me if I was wrong here....

michael?! wrote:

yeah yes duh wrote:

Yeah, you were wrong.

When someone is sharing the joy with their engagement, it is not a time to make a joke at their expense.

Your joke was actually a negative comment disguised as a joke.

"There's truth in every jest."

Basically you were an ahole.

This person is right.

No they're not right! Neither are you. If the family doesn't ever communicated and don't know each others humor, maybe. This is doubtful, however. Everybody is just too damned serious about nothing issues.

Mrs M,

OK at this point you probably aren't reading this thread anymore or just skimming it quickly because everybody has pretty much piled on and its not fun reading a whole bunch of people taking you to task.

Your real feeling about this is that you are annoyed that your oversensitive OCD niece made a big deal about a harmless joke. I think this might be a good thread for you to gain some insight. I do agree the "joke" might have been a very minor slight (I mean its not like you spread vicious gossip about your niece or anything like that) but your understanding and reaction to the situation reflects your need to try and empathize with others more.

Here's a typical read of the situation by you (your comments):

, "I can admit the remark could be perceived as thoughtless." (Could be perceived?? - it was thoughtless, just admit it)

"My husband did make the joke, and his intention was as a joke too" (your husband did not post it publicly - it was all you)

"I regret that it hurt my relative feelings",(my relative? she's your niece for god's sake, most of her life she's seen you as the adult- also you "regret" but you said later you feel no guilt)

"but I cannot accept that remark was made in an intentionally mean-spirited context, because it was, in fact, not". (I don't know if I trust your instincts on this - you have expressed some hostility toward your niece)

I also wonder about your relationship with your sibling that's her parent. If I did that I would call my sister/brother and apologize to them too. You don't mention them.

Mrs. M, this is more brutal than I usually am but you needed a wakeup call because you have some significant blind spots to your own behavior.

I just want you to accept that you are dealing with your young niece, you are the mature adult, you messed up, you hurt her feelings, and you should feel quilty.

Dude, you're tiresome. Put a sock in it. Didn't your mom ever tell you, "if you can't belittle someone in a humorous way, then don't belittle them at all". :)

Wow, very well said!I agree 100%.

By your posts, you do SEEM like a narcissistic basket case. Why do you feel the need to divulge your intra-familial strife (that you started) to a bunch of strangers who regularly heckle you? Strangers that on the whole don't seem to think very highly of you. It's not healthy.

I think you knew the kinds of responses that you would get. By and large negative ones. And decided to post anyway. I don't think you care what people post, as long as they are talking about you. Mr. M must have won the lottery with you, lady.

My niece can't stand my brother (her father) and barely tolerates her mother. My relationship with my brother is fine. He's an admitted conservative redneck who owns guns and lots of fixer-upper cars, but he's got a good heart and I love him too, even if I don't always agree with his politics. I joke with him about his bald spot. He jokes with me about not having a real job that requires the 80-hr work week his god-awful job does. My niece blew up at my brother when she brought the fiance home to meet the parents and when the fiance was in the bathroom, my brother asked her if Obama was taking care of her balloon mortgage for her. The rest of the evening apparently soured after that, even though the fiance was not even present for exchange.

I messed up by hurting her feelings. I messed up by not realizing how immature and insecure she actually is. I messed up by making a joke that I normally would have made with a friend, and didn't take the older wiser aunt approach. So be it, I've made a valid attempt to smooth things over. My niece was not in the right for involving my mother, however. It's a further example of her immaturity, not being able to confront me directly about being hurt.

Mr. C - aren't you the poster who berated his daughter for not finishing a timed run with you? I guess we both have a lot to learn about the sensitivity of young women.

Mrs. M wrote:

I messed up by not realizing how immature and insecure she actually is.

You don't even realize how immature and insecure YOU are!

Mrs. C You are a gutsy lady and I really do admire you responding. I didn't think you would respond and I felt a bit uneasy about what I posted because it was very very intrusive. I think what you just typed is very cool and reflects the good side of your character that didn't come through in your other posts. Yeah I am that dad and I am far from perfect. I even wondered why I made that last post to you which may truthfully revealed some intellectualized hostility on my part. (I hope not too much) As far as berating my daughter, I didn't berate her, but I was wrong when I timed her and tried to get her to keep running instead of stopping during our run. I was taken to task by letsrun posters and was interested in the range their of opinions. I was wrong but I learned. Your niece does have some major bonding issues with family and needs support and patience. I think you can help her.

I think your comment was risky. That's the nature of all but the most insipid forms of humor. But since it wasn't earthshatteringly funny, and was directed toward someone who is apparently very sensitive about perceived slights, it was probably not a risk worth taking. So perhaps it was an error in judgment and a minor breach of etiquette. Learn from the incident and move on.

My assessment of the conduct of the bride-to-be is somewhat harsher. It's one thing for her to communicate her hurt feelings to you, but quite another to scold you and finish off with the passive-aggressive "I'm over it." Your comment seems to have been inadvertently hurtful, while her response seems to have been deliberately insulting.

Of course, I don't know your history with each other, and I don't know all the details of your communications. Maybe she had good reason to chew you out for being dismissive of her, or for being unable to say anything both positive and heartfelt. Speaking as someone who tends to feel more comfortable cracking jokes than uttering genuinely supportive remarks (if only because they often seem so mawkish), I think it's worth considering whether you are similarly afflicted.

Avocados Number wrote:

Speaking as someone who tends to feel more comfortable cracking jokes than uttering genuinely supportive remarks (if only because they often seem so mawkish) . . . .

Admittedly, another reason I have trouble uttering genuinely supportive remarks is that I'm often not genuinely supportive. Joking is an easy (but probably not very constructive) way to deal with that.

sincere advice wrote:

Wait until she posts a picture of the wedding dress, and add the comment "A white wedding, I don't think so....;)"

I, by the way, thought this was pretty funny. (But I wouldn't post it on facebook unless I knew her sense of humor REALLY well.)

Avocados Number wrote:

I think your comment was risky. That's the nature of all but the most insipid forms of humor. But since it wasn't earthshatteringly funny, and was directed toward someone who is apparently very sensitive about perceived slights, it was probably not a risk worth taking. So perhaps it was an error in judgment and a minor breach of etiquette. Learn from the incident and move on.

Bingo.

Now seeing where the niece is coming from, i.e. the bad treatment by her Dad, her responses are quite understandable. She has been abused by him all her life and is not putting up with it any more, not from anyone.

Good for her!

What she (or anyone else) does is none of our business, as long as those actions stop before impinging OUR personal rights to live our lives as we choose.

For some reason, I thought that Flagpole and Mrs. M were married.

Also, Mrs. M's last name is NOT Masterbooner, as if you search that, all you get in return is a few people with the last name 'Masterbone'.

Is there a letsrun fanpage/group page on facebook?

I'm not sure where we disagree. I told Mrs. M. that she made an error in judgment, told her that you must never say anything but positive things about an engagement ring and called her a dumbass. Maybe you think we differ on whether what she said was meant to hurt her relative? I don't think it was...she was just insensitive and unthinking (therefore the dumbass comment). I think she was honestly asking for opinions about whether what she did was wrong or not. I don't think she was looking for validation. She did respond to me that she could handle being a dumbass, so that says to me she realizes she was wrong. She did apologize to the relative, and that seems enough. Her error wasn't so bad that it requires much more than a simple apology.

women should never:

tell a guy his dicks too small nor inform a gal her ring is tiny.

they will smite you

etiquette wrote:

Certainly get rid of the idiots who cannot distinguish an obviously light-hearted remark from an insult and who then STILL are upset about it after an apology.

Such people are a complete waste of time. They always need to be "handled" and made to feel just right.

Life is far too short to waste upon such wallflowers

This guy sounds like a real dick. LOL.

Seriously, Mrs. M, can you not see where you went wrong? Most agree the joke wasn't that bad. That is not the argument. You posted the joke to facebook, for everyone and their mother to see. That is a total bitch move.

Lordy, I would NEVER say the dress comment to her! I was just saying I thought it was funny - that's my lame sense of humor. I do tend to deal with most things in life with humor, but if I need to be supportive (i.e., my father's in ill health and I've been trying to call more frequently and help my mother deal with her anxieties), I certainly can be. It's not always the easiest thing for me, but in serious situations, I can be very supportive. I just made an error in judgement thinking an upcoming wedding was a joyous and light-hearted event that I could make a joke with my niece about. EPIC FAIL.

Mrs. M wrote:

Lordy, I would NEVER say the dress comment to her! I was just saying I thought it was funny - that's my lame sense of humor. I do tend to deal with most things in life with humor, but if I need to be supportive (i.e., my father's in ill health and I've been trying to call more frequently and help my mother deal with her anxieties), I certainly can be. It's not always the easiest thing for me, but in serious situations, I can be very supportive. I just made an error in judgement thinking an upcoming wedding was a joyous and light-hearted event that I could make a joke with my niece about. EPIC FAIL.

Yep. You seem to understand and you've apologized. Anyone continuing to be upset with you at this point needs to work on their own self righteousness and compassion and forgiveness. We're all human and we're allowed to make mistakes, and in the grand scheme of things, your mistake was VERY VERY small. Don't lose any sleep over it.