Have any of you cheated on your long term partner/significant other

Bohica, I was in the same position as you with a married women. I was single, she was married and still is. After a year or so it finally ended. I was a basket case for a while and now I am indifferent to the whole drama, and much better off. The thing is, she still throws herself at me but I have not let anything happen or have given any indication that I would. Physically it is tempting, and honestly I can't say I will rule it out. And, emotionally I have disdain for her. She was pretty good at containing the different relationships. It bordered on impressive, if not a bit psychotic. And, I do have other outlets for the physical needs. Maybe it is just the thrill. The odd thing is when I am in a committed relationship I am straight as an arrow.

Well, around the time it was happening I just didn't feel any motivation to devote any of my time and energy to pursuing and maintaining a "healthy" or "normal" relationship with a woman, I had other things I didn't want to detract my focus from. Still had physical needs, so it was pretty much an ideal set-up. We'd have fun in the sack but I wouldn't be expected to take her out or deal with her emotional problems and whatever. I am sort of in the same spot again, currently, but I'm not feeling complacent enough to try calling her again. Yet. Like you, I do have other outlets for the physical needs, a FWB. Additionally, I haven't endured so much female drama recently (though the FWB provided some nice sexual healing after a recent dose of it) that I want to withdraw from bothering with them on any emotional or psychological level. I'll never say never, but I doubt that I'll backslide into past man-whore ways.

dr drey wrote:

To yetanotherchick, did your LD boyfriend eventually find out about you cheating? Did you lie to him and tell him "it wasn't you, its me...." Do you remain friends still? Does he now see you as a cheating lying 5lut who lead him along? Why were you thinking about only breaking up with him recently prior to cheating on him when you went so far as talking about marriage? I only ask these questions because I had a similar situation happen to me, a guy.

I never told him that I cheated because there was no point in hurting him more, and he probably never found out since he was not involved much with my college life (he was from my hometown). The main reason I broke up with him was because he was pushing for a formal engagement and I had realized for several reasons that I did not want to marry him, and I told him so. I didn't go into detail about all the reasons though, because I thought it would come across as an unfair litany of his faults.

Question. Obviously no one likes or believes the "it's not you, it's me" line, but how much explanation do guys really want for the reasons behind a breakup?

We're both cordial, but don't make any effort to keep in touch. Since he doesn't know that I cheated, I don't suppose he has any reason to consider me a slut, but he probably does think that I'm a lying heathen who led him along.

I went so far as talking about marriage with him because at one point, I thought that he was someone I could (or should) seriously consider marrying. I know that it may be hard to believe that the relationship was truly so serious when we were so young, but I came from a religious community where it was not at all uncommon for girls to marry or get engaged right after high school. There was definitely pressure to marry the right sort of Christian man and as a teenager it seemed like the path of least resistance, rather than go against the alignment of what was my entire world at that time.

I am not trying to defend myself as I think that cheating was wrong and not something I would do again. However, it was an immature choice over a typical college identity crisis when I was young, and not something that I believe defines me now.

In response to 'yetanotherchick', I agree... the "it's not you, it's me" excuse is kind of lame, but really, what else are you supposed to say? Doesn't every breakup really just boil down to something along the lines of "I don't love you or I can't see myself being with you long-term"? I think that "it's not you, it's me" is really just code for "I don't see myself being happy if I stay with you".

I was cheated on plenty of times in High School and College but did my fair share as well. Do I feel guilty or hurt - no, not now. Also, lets be real here, is it really cheating if you're young and single. I was never in long-term relationships with these women and I wasn't surprised that some or most of them "cheated" on me. Hey, they were good looking and easy; which is exactly what you want in school isn't it? They were playing the field and so was I. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you're young. I personally think that having a serious relationship in High School or even your early years in college is a bad idea. Now, if you're engaged and cheat or married and cheat, that's a serious problem. But in college? No,never had a long-term serious relationship so there was no chance of hurting someone by cheating. I actually regret not dating more than I did.

Just my observation here and I am in no way trying to generalize but I noticed that the girls who cheated on me came from families where their parents were divorced or their fathers were not very close to them. I guess they were looking for affection. I'm glad I was around to provide some.

Never cheated in high school or college, but did just before and during my marriage. Two of the women that I cheated with were married as well. Mostly done out of lust, even though my wife and I were having problems.

Entered into a long term affair with a married gal when I was still married, but my wife and I split up shortly afterward. Kept the affair going, I would have married the woman that I was having the affair with, if she wasn't already married. Found out that she got divorced around Christmas time and is reeling from the divorce (she wasn't the one who wanted the divorce), and now doesn't think that she's ready to see anyone.

Had a girlfriend of about 2 1/2 years until recently, found out that she cheated on me about 11 months into the relationship. Cheating sucks on both ends, really no good can come from it.

To all the people saying "It doesn't matter if she (or he) doesn't find out"...people find out all the time. I'm so scared of a Fatal Attraction type deal that i would never cheat on my wife. It's also pretty cowardly IMHO.

But they cheated on me. Truth.

All the time. Guys who say they have never done is because they are fat and/or ugly.

Running stud savage wrote:

All the time. Guys who say they have never done is because they are fat and/or ugly.

or maybe they just have higher morals or aren't trashy like that

How is experiencing and sharing the greatest experience known to man (making love) with another being be trashy? Low morals yes... but I bet God gave you those morals through that book called the bible huh? Well I hate to break it to you man, but marriage is an institution made by the Christian church in order to control society. Oh, and Christianity was made up by a couple of fellas in order to control the masses and help them gain power as well!! So, your "morals" are all built upon a need to control the masses. Congratulations on your high morals man!

If we weren't supposed to make love to beautiful women as often as we can... then God wouldn't give us the urge. And don't give me the crap of he's testing us.... no lord would ever place such a cruel punishment upon his following which he is supposed to love. If he loved us, and we weren't supposed to do it... he wouldn't give us the urge to do wrong. He would free us of that potential sin by making us hard wired to only want to be with one mate. But he didn't did he? So either God doesn't exist... or he's cruel and evil!!!!!

Thank you all for listening!

If you want to have sex with tons of women go ahead, more power to you. But even if marriage is a sham controlling institution (practiced in lots of cultures and religions besides Christianity)by marrying someone in our society you make a promise to that person to be faithful and have sex with only that person. Some marriages are open and it is acceptable for a spouse to sleep with others...then there is no problem. But if a promise is made it should be kept.

MAYEROFF wrote:

Uh, Blow-jobs don't count, right?

Bill Clinton cleared that all up a few years back, so no problem there.

I have cheated, and I have been cheated on. I have only been with 2 women--my ex-wife and the woman I cheated with who was married at the time and I am committed to now.

I caught my ex 6 yrs into our marriage in bed with a neighbor. We tried to patch it up and worked hard on our marriage. 20 yrs later, I caught her in an emotional affair that would have been physical if her partner could have performed.

I cheated 22 years into the marriage with my current committed relationship partner. We both cheated on our married partners. We both were starved for affection. We both admit it was wrong. We both wish somehow it would not have happened. Yet, we both feel like we are meant for each other and have more in common than we had with our past married partners. We are happy and want and plan to be together, committed for the rest of our lives.

I believe from my own experience that anytime someone cheats, they get hurt and there is potential for others to get hurt also. I also believe we should have experienced more relationships when we were young. My ex and I got married at 19, and my current partner and her ex got married at 23. Too young and not enough experiences to know what we wanted in a life long partner.

I would like to think marriages could be very good for a lifetime. But, it sure seems like the world and people change more than they use to. I know that sounds like a cop-out. I use to be very judgmental of people who I saw cheating. I try not to do that now. Until you have walked in the shoes of those you are judging, you have no idea what they are feeling or living with.

Do you have a drivers license? I think you probably do as you sound smarter than the typical 16 year old. Well, I will give you props for bringing up the "you made a promise" as you are right. But everyone lies and breaks the rules and breaks promises. I bet you do to! Have you ever sped while driving? No? Come on, not even one mile over the speed limit? Well, if you have and I would bank that you have.... then you broke a promise to the state you live in! Have you ever read the fine print of a drivers license application? It clearly states you will follow all rules of the road. Well speed limit is a law. And you signed that paper didn't you? Yes. So you have broken promises too.

Oh, and I'm not married so I guess to you it's all good for me to sleep around!

You are right though... you marry and you do agree to that person to only sleep with them. That only makes you a lyer... but I would dissagree being a lyer on occasion makes you any less moral or trashy as everyone speeds and that is just as much of a lie as you signed a written agreement with the state. Hell, my local preacher (who is my next door neighbor and a good friend) speeds ALL THE TIME! So since he lied.... does that make him immoral or trashy? Hell no! He's a very respectable man.

No I have not read the fine print, but you are right I do know that speeding is in effect breaking a promise I made to the state, and I knowingly break that promise.

You assume that I think that cheating on someone makes you a trashy person, I don't think that. I was simply saying that a promise should be kept. I am not above breaking promises, but I personally would not break a promise to someone who I claim as my wife. Whatever you think about our system of marriage, to me taking a vow to be faithful to another person holds more weight than an agreement not to speed.

You are right though, you can argue that I have no right to decide what is moral or immoral for someone else, or what promises should hold more weight. I was just stating my opinion,that one should keep their promises. The world is terribly grey however.

Cool, Sorry bro.... my original response was to a guy who stated that sleeping with women is trashy so I thought you were backing that up.

Yeah, I speed too. I don't necissarily sleep around either, at least not with women I respect. Anyway, it's a fun topic to have with bible thumpers!!!

Peace out... and find happiness in everything you do!

Another honest guy wrote:

Peace out... and find happiness in everything you do!

Hey now, this is America. Find happiness in everything you do so long as what you do does not infringe upon the happiness of others.

How is enjoying sex with a willing partner hurting anyone? If my gf doesn't know... she isn't hurt. I'm definately not hurt... and the girls I sleep with are fully awair of my situation which means they aren't hurt either.

I don't get how I'm hurting anyone. For all I know my gf has slept around on me, Lord knows she's had the opportunity as I travel a lot for work. I don't know, and I feel NO pain in that at all.