Post-nuptial shutoff?

I want the d wrote:

How's the sex life of let's run posters in 2019?

Since I got divorced, it's been fantastic.

Not to hi-jack this awesome, multi-year thread, but any insight into why it is so difficult for couples to talk about sex? Not sitting here as someone who is better at it. Never goes anywhere w my wife--always feels accused or being reminded of one more thing . I have no idea how to even start the conversation any more but like the above posted I've given completely up on initiating.

So glad to see this thread resurrected! I've posted several times and will give an update. First: a response to the above poster:

I suggest a couples' counselor (female). Really. Voice of authority and a safe space. Wife will feel safer with a female counselor, and it will work to your benefit.

So... married 20 years. Had some rocky times the last several months (nunya biz), but now on the road to restoration and reconciliation.

SO: the first month after several of, uh, non interaction led to such amazing intimacy that my wife had to go for an MRI (you'll have to use Google to figure out what I'm saying, but she's fine so it's a good thing). It's like being newlyweds all over again.

I highly recommend Home Improvement Ministries marriage retreats. If you're not religious, no big deal: the seminars apply to all (and the food and accommodations are WELL worth the meager price). VERY useful for reestablishing communication and intimacy. VERY open about, uh, that three letter word we are talking about.

Yes, I am extraordinarily fortunate, but what I *have* learned is that if you are "nice" to your wife (whatever that means to her), she will be "nice" to you. Seriously. It's not her, bub: it's YOU.

drunk runner. wrote:

I want the d wrote:

How's the sex life of let's run posters in 2019?

Since I got divorced, it's been fantastic.

That's where I'm headed.

Counseling didn't work; and "finding" religion for my wife meant that I had to believe whatever she did. That's when I realized that all changes had to be on me only. That doesn't work in the long run, so we've opted to divorce.

We both want to change; however, one of has shown a willingness to do so and take steps to do that - while the other has tried to, only to revert back to the same old stuff.

As for the roots of this thread, the post-nuptial shutoff happened around 25 years. Now, there were things she stopped doing at 10 years in...but nothing like a complete shut off.

Wow, I've posted here over something like 10 years! Different handles, but I can still pick them out. I hope this thread never dies.

Gents: There's hope. But please please please believe me: It's YOU. You want it? Play by HER rules (you USED to, when you were dating; remember?). It gets easier with practice. Oh, and find an FMO group. Yah. Because Google.

Open to sort of anything of course but perhaps when the next time the subject comes up I say "maybe it's me" or "is it me?" takes pressure off her. not too clumsy/maybe a little

This thread is pretty sad. Been married 17 years. We have sex on average 5 times a week. Maybe I'm lucky, but according to my wife when she mentions it to her friends they all say they wish that was the case with their husbands. Hard to imagine that somehow my wife's friends are all the exception to the rule.

hoo-ah wrote:

I suggest a couples' counselor (female). Really. Voice of authority and a safe space. Wife will feel safer with a female counselor, and it will work to your benefit.

By benefit do you mean 3some?

Got out of pnso. Wife was real depressed got her to join a gym with me. We did some put her through a maximal lifting program. I think the combo of quality time together and maybe a little bit of the heavy lifting woke her libido up.

There is no PNSO for me and I bang numerous wives, no doubt some of yours too, and they all seem perfectly horny and healthy. At home it might be a different story of course, poisoned unmet expectations, resentments, fatigue etc.

Been married 15 years, just over 40. My PNSO didn't even get to the actual nuptials, started during engagement. It's been a constant source of stress in our relationship. The whole thing never made sense to me . . . she literally would rather fight about not having sex than just doing it, pretty stupid. Either way, I started training for Ironman triathlons and it's had the unexpected benefit of crushing my libido so that now we mostly match and get around to it once every other month or so. As long as I can keep my unhealthy obsession with this 'sport' we should be good.

Classic thread. Here is my story.

I have been married for 20 years. The spigot was turned down to a trickle about 2 years after we started having sex ( or about 6 months after the wedding). This seems to be a common theme.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/humaninterest/its-official-we-get-bored-after-two-years-of-marriage-219463.html

I have tried all of the usual things over the years, with limited and temporary success. She has tried the scheduling thing, with similar results. Current frequency is once every 3-4 weeks. I would prefer 3-4 times/week.

I was a believer in the bait and switch theory for many years, but I now believe this is relatively uncommon, given the findings in the article above (there are a plethora of similar articles and studies out there if you look for them).

Also, there is the concept of transactional vs. validational sex.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/therationalmale.com/2018/03/07/transactional-vs-validational-sex/amp/

I think most people have predominately validational sex early in their relationship, before PNSO. Then, what little sex you have is primarily transactional (duty sex, starfish sex, etc). I think it is hard to consistently fake validational sex. When the stars align, I get validational sex once every year or two, and it is VERY different. It is like the sex you probably had all the time at the beginning of your relationship. For bait and switch to work, a woman would have to convincingly fake validational sex repeatedly, and I think this would be very difficult.

So, the PNSO is likely biological. This realization helped me get over my anger and bitterness. I no longer blame my wife. I’ve come to accept that my wife no longer desires sex with me. True desire cannot be negotiated. It is there or it is not.

For any men contemplating marriage, consider the following:

1. Women lose interest in their monogamous partners much faster than men, typically within two years.

2. It’s not that they no longer desire sex, they no longer desire sex with YOU. If they get a new partner, the libido magically returns.

3. There is little you can do to prevent this. It seems to be hard wired biology. Remember that the success stories you read about here and elsewhere are a small minority of all marriages. The odds are not in your favor.

Caveat emptor.

This is extremely depressing, how many women have been brave enough to chime in on this thread? Just another thing to add to the long list of why young men should not get married. Even if I choose to have kids with a woman, marriage is completely off the table. Men have nothing to gain and a sh'itload to lose.

drunk runner. wrote:

I want the d wrote:

How's the sex life of let's run posters in 2019?

Since I got divorced, it's been fantastic.

How many did u bang?

subelite hobbyjogger wrote:

For any men contemplating marriage, consider the following:

1. Women lose interest in their monogamous partners much faster than men, typically within two years.

2. It’s not that they no longer desire sex, they no longer desire sex with YOU. If they get a new partner, the libido magically returns.

3. There is little you can do to prevent this. It seems to be hard wired biology. Remember that the success stories you read about here and elsewhere are a small minority of all marriages. The odds are not in your favor.

This is spot on. No question, women lose interest in monogamous relationships very quickly. After marriage, they are just looking for economic support and a handy man. They have no interest in intimacy of any kind, at least with they husband. There are exceptions of course, but they are indeed exceptions. I have a colleague who has now been married about seven years, had a child about two years ago. He said they're sex life is indeed over. He's 37. I asked him if he was going to spend the rest of his life like this. He said, "I guess so, have a kid now, can't walk out." That's the way it is, fellows. Don't be a sucker unless this lifestyle is appealing. MGTOW!

hoo-ah wrote:

Wow, I've posted here over something like 10 years! Different handles, but I can still pick them out. I hope this thread never dies.

Gents: There's hope. But please please please believe me: It's YOU. You want it? Play by HER rules (you USED to, when you were dating; remember?). It gets easier with practice. Oh, and find an FMO group. Yah. Because Google.

This is the biggest load of BS you could spew. The above poster is completely right: women desire sex with a man when they want his validation. There is no more powerful force for a woman to want to jump a man's bones than validation.

Playing by her rules and supplicating to her and chasing her is the best way to let her know she can have your validation.

No reason to chase validation...no sex.

It's that simple.

This thread reminds me once again, that im not missing anything by being single. Heard similar stories of non-sexual marriages and i witness the public verbal dissection of my p***y-whipped and clueless brother in-law regularly. A guy at work says he hasnt slept in the same room with his wife for over 20 years, allegedly because of his snoring. Seperate lives, too.

I woke up at 2 AM and couldn’t sleep, so woke the wife up for a quickie. Been married 22 years. I feel bad for all you guys on this thread. I really do.

I've been watching this thread for a while and have considered replying on several occasions. Been married for 12 years, and we certainly don't have sex often at this point. But I attribute that to having fairly young kids, careers kicking into high gear, and a host of other responsibilities that have come to a head in the past few years. Both of us are pretty exhausted most of the time and would rather just go to sleep. So any "shut off" feels like it's been a two-way road and I hope that it's just another phase.

For those of you who had no cutoff, was there a dry period, especially after kids? How did you come out of it if so?