Lululemon is Ruining Running

I feel your pain, broseph. I always get really nervous anytime I get anywhere near a Lululemon store it's utterly humiliating. I see gaggles of dangerously sleek wimmins in yoga attire. They act all independent, reading Maya Angelou quotes on their pricey iphones and glaring at me while giggling. I now know with a snap of the Queen Bee's fingers, I would be taken out in a flash by a well-placed kick or worse. It's like they have something to prove, they're a gang of well-coiffed thugs, really.

See, these are no ordinary women. I once went to a lululemon shop and I was greeted by a shredded 130 lb spin instructor who was running security. I was terrified. I had to provide three financial references and show them two luxury black credit cards and was subjected to a metal scanner or she wouldn't let me in the door.

Finally I got in and they were having a group run. Goody! I thought. Wimmins are slow I will show them up with my smugly mediocre running prowess. Well, we went outside and let me tell you, it was blinding. Red tights, blue tights, black tights, yellow shirts, pink shirts, orange shirts on athletic frames. I figured I would dazzle them with my remarkable athletic prowess, being faster than all of them wimminx. We started warming up, they were all talking to eachother and mostly ignoring me. We were given instructions "Three miles easy for the beginner group, 6 miles medium easy for the advanced group!" barked the cheery run leader.

Quite honestly, I was shocked that no one was fawning over my 125 lbs. of forged manlet steel (don't believe those liars at the gym that said I was 33% bodyfat - haters!). At an imposing height of 5'6" I would have expected them to be lining up for my attention.

Now I was mad and boy howdy I was gonna show them wimmins what's what. The group leader Nikki cheerfully said: "The beginner group is going to run 3 miles and the advanced group will run about 6 miles pretty easy. Let's all try to stay together!" I went with the advanced group.

They started off at an impossibly fast pace and things got ugly. I could not believe that I was gasping for air after one block! I hung on for a quarter-mile, my HR was in the 190s, and I was getting gassed by this girl gang. Somehow, I willed myself to the half-mile mark and Nikki the run leader said "OK that's 11:30 per mile pace, we really need to pick it up!"

After that, they absolutely dropped the hammer on me (I swear on the Bible they were running sub-10s with ease!), and they weren't even breaking a sweat. I tell you I was so ashamed. Nikki nodded her head at me. So a couple of her hired guns waited for me as I lagged at the back and they stopped me from going any further. "I'm sorry, sir, but it's obvious you can't keep up with our group. You need to turn around, and please don't embarrass us with your ill presence ever again," she said icily. I started to protest, but one of them held her hand up firmly. I was mad because no one puts baby in a corner, so right then I lunged at her, and she evaded my charge and swatted me lightly in self-defense. When I came to three hours later, they were long gone.

So I avoid those Lululemon gangbangers at all cost. They scare me because they're everywhere!

They don't want us discussing it but Hoka is also woke

This was funny.

Man I really hope all the libs continue cutting off their genitals, aborting their babies, and Spikevaxxing themselves. Have at it. This problem solves itself.