Press Release:
Beginning tomorrow, Friday December 2 at 12 noon and continuing until 12:00 noon on 3 December 2005, the University of @%*#*^$ Men’s Cross Country Team will undertake the “CALORIE CONSUMPTION CHALLENGE.”
Developed throughout the fall 2005 season, the idea for the competition was conceived during the ‘miles of trials.’ The initial question was, “How many calories could someone consume in a twenty-four hour period?” The standard was originally set at 10,000 calories but, critical thinking and trash talking raised the standard to 20,000 calories.
The competition, which slates, two man teams against each other, has teams attempting to eclipse the 40,000 calorie mark but more importantly the competition allows the competitors to extinguish the feud and determine who the ultimate consumer is-allowing them infinite bragging rights.
The competition has a formalized set of rules. Violation of any of the following rules results in immediate disqualification of the team:
• All calories must be recorded
• Witnesses must be present at all times
• The teams will have 24 hours to consume the highest number of calories possible-all foods and liquids are fair game
However, if throwing up occurs, the team is automatically penalized 5,000 calories.
The Teams:
Team A:
1. Shaq-D: The only man with a move more deadly than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme, has been known to consume ridiculous amounts of queso out of his belly button. Some consider Shaq-D the fattest 95 mile per week guy in the NCAA.
2. With untraditional eating habits, no one is quite sure what strategy Fog Horn is going to take towards the competition. Some suspect him of devouring 20,000 calories worth of fruity pebbles and a variety of Pop-tarts-both toasted and raw.
Team B:
1. A late entrant to the game, Baby Mama Drama, has developed an immunity to consuming four pot pies in a single sitting. Additionally frozen Tony’s pizzas seem to catapult his BM into overdrive. It will be interesting to see what type of game Baby Mama Drama brings to the inaugural year of the competition.
2. His partner is the southpaw, the sometimes soft spoken, but always on the verge of being fired up-both literally and figuratively, has kept to himself in the days leading up to the competition but can be sure to be heard 14 hours from now when the competition begins. Many doubt this guy being a factor but he has been known to pull it off when the big dance comes around.
Team C:
1. Many words have been used to describe &&&&&, convicted murderer, is not yet one of them. His rage resonates globally and is building exponentially. Word has it that food is going to be his first victim. Undoubtedly the headliner-we all see if Uzi can live up to the hype.
2. His partner in crime may be the cheapest bastard in the planet but with good reason. Malnourished and slightly deformed, if this guy does not pull out the victory he will be gassed or shot-either way-victory or death.
Team D:
1. The lone member of this team purposely broke a bone this fall to use the practice time to put the dormitory, whose kitchen is open for 12 hours daily, out of business. He tips the scale at 172 lbs. making his “reach” the biggest in the field.
Stay tuned as regular updates will occur approximately every three hours. Please post your words of encouragement and suggestions for the teams. Keep watching as the inaugural CALORIE CONSUMPTION CHALLENGE which will surely be an experience worth keeping an eye on.