Question for fathers of daughters

Our kids, daughter included, always have a phone on them with find my friend enabled so we always know where they are. Their phones have parental controls enabled to minimize the time wasting they do on them. We try to have great communication with them and we talk about who their friends are and where they go. We push to have the friends hang at our house sometimes so we know them and they know us. Banning slumber parties or sleepovers is a much more important deal in terms of protecting them than knowing where they are at 7pm, IMO.

west west wrote:

Our kids, daughter included, always have a phone on them with find my friend enabled so we always know where they are. Their phones have parental controls enabled to minimize the time wasting they do on them. We try to have great communication with them and we talk about who their friends are and where they go. We push to have the friends hang at our house sometimes so we know them and they know us. Banning slumber parties or sleepovers is a much more important deal in terms of protecting them than knowing where they are at 7pm, IMO.

Since I mentioned phones, I’d add that at 11 they didn’t have social medial apps or accounts and limited website access on their phones. The phones were basically for texting family and helping with schoolwork and a couple innocuous games for road trips.

Let the kids be kids and play.

Just a short time ago it wasn't even possible to check on kids with all this technology and they did fine.

Let go a bit and you'll probably feel better.

And I'm 33 not and old fart talking about back in the good ol' days

I’d be fine with that and would consider it pretty normal in our neighborhood. Most parents give their kids a boundary range around here so kids can play anywhere outside that isn’t fenced off as long as it’s within the limits. If you want to go inside a house, you need to tell your parents.

In the 1980s I roamed around the "neighborhood" from morning to sunset, no issues.

But with my kids in the early 2000s, I did not allow them. It just seemed more dangerous and I can't exactly place a reason why. One guess is that the internet has opened many eyes into how dangerous people could live anywhere and strike at any time.

No doubt I was over cautious, but they are alive now and in their 20s, so I must not have "screwed up" too bad.

I gotta disagree with most of this. Also, if I were to hypothetically kidnap a child, that cell phone would end up on the side of the road and I’d be long gone. The cell phone only works with dumb criminals.

Yawn^3 wrote:

I gotta disagree with most of this. Also, if I were to hypothetically kidnap a child, that cell phone would end up on the side of the road and I’d be long gone. The cell phone only works with dumb criminals.

well that's the thing - at a certain point you have to accept that you are powerless against the boogeyman. if an evil person wants to harm a child they will. luckily for us, those boogeymen are very rare and children are much more likely to be harmed by an acquaintance or family member. that said, if i were a parent i would definitely worry about the potential creeps that my kid might run into at friends' houses. like the person in this thread who has a no sleepovers policy. harsh, but i get it. if your kid is over at a friend's house you are putting a lot of faith that friend's dad/brother/family friend won't be there and be a creep. i know it's rare, but it does happen, and then the damage lasts forever.

At 11, my daughters did this. But I know all the families where they'd be. But we had certain rules. Be home for dinner time. Or in the evening, be home by a certain time (different on school night or weekend). Call or text to ask permission if you go out to movies or elsewhere. They weren't just free to roam anywhere.

Make sure your home is available and comfortable as one of the options for hanging out. Then if you see behavior from one of their friends that concerns you, you can address it.

And maybe have an outdoor BBQ or pool party with those other families so the parents can all know each other.

Yes. Let her roam the neighborhoods.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree that it’s out of one’s control at some point. But if I know the family wel enough, sleep overs are fine. But I need to really know the family first.

If a kid wants to run around a safe neighborhood, I have no major qualms.

I have a 11 year old son. I can u understand your fear in letting the kids roam a bit. This is part of kids growing up and trusting our kids to be independent. You and your wife are lucky to have each other for perspective on issues. Suspect covid has made it difficult to transition and learn some of the cultural norms of raising kids in America. As a american i would have no idea of the parenting and social norms of Japan. My son is allowed to ride his bike to the park and playground 1/4 mile away. He has to take his phone and he has to come home afterwards. My concern is when he is able to drive. We have a few years before that though.

Good luck

west west wrote:

Our kids, daughter included, always have a phone on them with find my friend enabled so we always know where they are. Their phones have parental controls enabled to minimize the time wasting they do on them. We try to have great communication with them and we talk about who their friends are and where they go. We push to have the friends hang at our house sometimes so we know them and they know us. Banning slumber parties or sleepovers is a much more important deal in terms of protecting them than knowing where they are at 7pm, IMO.

Since I mentioned phones, I’d add that at 11 they didn’t have social medial apps or accounts and limited website access on their phones. The phones were basically for texting family and helping with schoolwork and a couple innocuous games for road trips.

We handle it almost the same way. Phone with parental controls. Fair amount of freedom between school and dinner, and on weekends. But good communication is expected.

We don't forbid sleepovers, but they are rare and only with friends we know well.

Renewed Marathoner wrote:

Let the kids be kids and play.

Just a short time ago it wasn't even possible to check on kids with all this technology and they did fine.

Let go a bit and you'll probably feel better.

And I'm 33 not and old fart talking about back in the good ol' days

This ^

I keep my kids on short leashes. I trust parents even less than kids. My strategy is to always open my home to my kids' friends. Sleepovers happen here w regularity. This way, I can watch them and get a sense of the characters of the friends my children are keeping. Hasn't failed me yet. That said, I'm no pushover and will swoop down like a bat out of hell if there's any misconduct or crossing unacceptable lines.

“But if I know the family wel enough, sleep overs are fine. But I need to really know the family first.”

Curious if you just ask if they’re pedophiles or do you have a battery of psychological tests that you submit everyone to.

Thank you for all of your feedback. It gave me a lot to think about.

Some really intense parents on this thread.

I think people have watched a little too much to catch a predator.

Why do you pose this as a question just for fathers? Why not for parents?

Your daughter is not 6 yrs old. You really want to always know which neighbors yard your 11 year old daughter is at at all times? You are too controlling.

My daughter used to call me The Shadow some times, sort of jokingly. I used to call or visit the places and people where she would be going for social events. And I would vet some places she'd go to hang out w friends. The operators of a youth/teen "night club" in Berkeley used to welcome me and my questions andcontact info., enthusiastically. Some other places, not so much. She and her friends once caught me lurking in my old VW bug a block away from the theater that played The Rocky Horror Show at midnight. Mainly spot checks, Not nagging, persistent helicoptering.

Point: *But I made it known that I was watching and available.*

..."knowing what evil lurks in the hearts of men..."

[Not a recommendation, just an example...]