Wife's Dad died left her a lot of money and she is putting it in a personal account should l be mad

Most of the time it would be a red flag, though here's a counterexample about my own situation.

I've been with my wife for 20 years; in that time we've basically never had a joint account (except for about a year as a mortgage requirement). At one point I received a solid inheritance (approx 1/3 the cost of a nice-ish house in the area); I put it into my account until I figured out what to do with it. She's about to receive a similar inheritance, and she'll do something with it. Almost everything we buy goes onto a credit card in my name, and whomever happens to be rolling a higher balance usually pays the monthly bill.

Is it costing us money? Almost certainly. Are there trust issues? Not at all.

You are definitely not entitled to money her dad left her, that should be kept separate. And if you inherit something yourself, keep it separate too. This kind of fund is for security reasons, in case something goes wrong. The fact, that you are even talking about it on a public forum, shows me that she definitely made the right choice with her money.

Pay for stuff for the family from the joint account and if she will feels like contributing extra from her fund, consider yourself blessed and don't forget to be nice and say thank you.

Source: happily married for 11 years and have NO joint account with my wife, somehow our family has all we need and everyone is happy.

Facts Only Please wrote:

tlm1959 wrote:

A marriage counselor friend tells me that guys come in complaining, "the money I earn is our money and the money she earns is her money." He tells the guys that, "good", they have a normal marriage and that most women are security seeking beings. My advice is to give this some time and let her feel secure.

Well men are sexual seeking beings, is it ok if I have multiple partners that my wife is unaware about?

Hey buddy, you chose to get married. You don't get the benefits of a relationship and the benefits of being single. Cheaters can't handle this fact and are selfish. How bout not making decisions you cant take responsibility for. Now you're complaining that marriage is screwing you? Simple solution for guys, don't get married. Women obviously glorify marriage because it benefits them. Is it fair that your wife does the stuff you posted about? No, but again, you signed up for this and should have seen it coming. My advice to guys, stop falling into the trap of marriage. And again, stop getting in relationships if you're not ready to commit to the person. Cheaters are scum.

You're getting a lot of bad as well as good advice here. First, as a retired, CFP, we don't have all the information here. How much is "a lot of money?" Is it $100,000, $300,000, $500,000, $3,000,000?

How much do you make? How much does she make? What are your goals?

Respectfully, you sound immature about money. Don't take that personally. The vast majority of people don't know how to talk about money.

1. Big decisions about money should be joint decisions. Big is a relative term. What's big to a couple making $30k is going to be different from a couple making $300k.

2. Each person should be able to buy whatever they want without consulting with the other spouse, subject to some reasonable constraints as to the total amount spent... $100, $500, $1,000, $5,000.... It doesn't need to be exact. Of course, the amount depends on the personal situation and what each party desires. Some people simply don't care about financial decisions as long as their needs are met.

3. The fact that you got into an argument over what to do with MORE money indicates some insecurity and immaturity on your part. More money for either of you should be a good thing in your life.

If this is a large amount of money, I'd suggest that you and your wife should see a financial counselor. You don't necessarily need financial planning at this point, but you both need to develop a healthier attitude towards money. Don't get me wrong.... virtually everyone needs healthier attitudes towards money. I wrote an entire book on this years ago and then ghost wrote a similar book for some of the top financial planners in America.

It's not about where the money is... joint or separate... it's how you jointly use the money to achieve your mutual goals in life.

My wife and I have kept separate finances for over twenty years now. I pay the bills, and she pays me back for half of them. We discuss major things that might require dipping into savings, and if we agree, split the cost. I make more than her, so I usually split the mortgage payment sixty-forty and pay a bit more.

If her parents left her money, I'd be fine with her keeping it. I don't need her money and she doesn't need mine.

We have never had an argument over money.

I would have agreed with this back before my wife divorced me.

But now, if it’s possible, any money I will to my daughters is coming with a stipulation that it stays only theirs.

Last thing I want is to work and save my entire life and have half of it go to some jerkoff guy in a divorce.

She is grieving. Money is a tough thing to deal with when grieving.

You sound like you are terrible with money, so I don’t think she should let you near it.

My advice to her is to use it to pay off any consumer debt, then open a Vanguard account and buy VTSAX. Then ignore it and only revisit it when it is time to think about retiring.

You must ask yourself the right question. "Do we really love each other? "

If your answer is " Yes,we do " then just trust her and that she will use the money

for the family well being and things you mostly agree together.Women are women

and sometimes you must let her buy a new dress or go to the beauty parlor without asking you first, she does it to mainly please you.

If your answer is "No,we don't" then just it`s time to split apart and you will get the half of the money and can find your true love with a better economic starting point.

What does the will say exactly?

It is quite common for wills to be written so that the money stays in the bloodline. I.e. "I leave $100,000 to my daughter for her own use entirely" and "should she predecease me, the inheritance goes to the children of her body" In other words, the husband and step children have no legal claim on the money. However, as it was left "for her own use entirely" so she can choose to share the money however she feels fit.

These clauses are quite common if the will was written when the daughter was still unmarried and had no children. In effect the father is future proofing it against a possible gold digger suitor who has eyes on the family money.

Flagpole wrote:

1) Have ONE checking account and perhaps ONE savings account that you both have equal access to and equal ownership of.

While this sound egalitarian it is bad advice. If a partner dies joint bank accounts are frozen until the will is proved. This could leave the survivor without access to funds for a couple of months. Each partner should have an account in their own name so that they can access money. should the worst happen. Most couples do this with savings accounts.

THIS is good advice!

if you have car debt that right there tells me you're bad with money and your wife is making the right call keeping it in a personal account. if you really trust her, just trust that she'll dip into it to cover household costs if need be.

also like the financial planner guy said, you've left out some important details. how much money are we talking about? how much debt do you have? are you both working and if so what is your income?

flagpole's insistence that all money needs to go into a single account is needlessly puritan. my wife and i each throw about $750 direct deposited from each paycheck into a shared checking account that autopays our mortgage, utilities, and shared credit card. the rest of our respective paychecks go to our personal checking accounts. all that said, it's easy not to fight about money when you have enough of it. so if you're struggling i can empathize. getting rid of that car debt either with your wife's money or some other way would definitely be a good start. then buy used with cash from here on out!

I think the only real advice is that you should be talking to your wife about this and not to us. No, you shouldn't get mad (what would that accomplish?). You should just have however many calm conversations you need to have to understand each other's expectations, desires, and concerns.

I wouldn't listen to anyone here who thinks that there is a one size fits all approach to family finances that must be applied in all cases. It's really just a matter of each of you understanding where the other is coming from, and that can only be accomplished by talking to each other.

I had some money that I inherited before I got married (an inherited IRA plus a chunk of stocks). My wife specifically told me that she was fine with me keeping it in my name (I would have been fine either way). The account kicks off about $9K/yr in dividends that I put into our joint account, and the IRA has a required minimum distribution of ~$8K/yr that I use for our vacation every year. Basically I keep control of the assets, but I use it to benefit both of us while keeping the principal in tact. This works fine for us. Another arrangement might work out better for someone else. If my wife felt strongly that the account should be in both our names, I'd be fine with that. If I felt strongly that I wanted to reinvest the dividends and IRA distributions instead of using them for expenses and vacations, she'd be okay with that. The key isn't that we've found the perfect financial arrangement. The key is that we communicate.

I have my own account, my wife has her own account and we have a joint account.

Taxes come out or go into the joint, inheritance and work goes into our individual accounts. We discuss finances and we split the bills and contributions to our children's college funds.

We too have never argued about money.

1) Does she earn money, or is this her only contribution now to what you have paid?

If so, it might be easier to keep it separate so it for the sake of argument, so all the income is not confused.

2) Who in the world expects a spouse to pay for their own children from another marriage with their money? This will never end amicably.

That’s not just money to her it’s her only connection to the dad she just lost. Let her keep it.

If it was money she got by working I can see that going into a joint account but she needs some space here.

Not trying to be inappropriate but I'd want to know if you have a vibrant sex life.

Why ?

If you are not having sex and she is keeping the money then all bets are off on the marriage.

If you are sexually happy, you're most likely good, tell her you love her you are sure she'll put the money into something nice for her.

Maybe, instead of posting on here, you should support your wife while she grieves the loss of her father. Are you so petty that you are worried about whose name is on the account that will benefit your entire family?

You're a man and so should want to provide for your family without any external aid. Your wife needs to secure her own future even if things don't work out with any particular man. So, you let her do what she wants with her money and you continue to provide for the family. In the end, you have to let this go. Of course, she wants that control over the money to set her up for independence if or when she leaves you or something happens to you.