Great Lakes Relay 2017

Wait, what?

They were emailed. Donwload at this link: https://kaiserstudio.sharefile.com/share?#/getinfo/s8731ab44396431da

Bryce Barbie wrote:

Wait, what?

he means the legs are up and open like the gingerbread girls after Day 3

Known: Miles K is recovered from his injury over the winter and his redshirt during cross country and track! Last year he burned the field with his lead off leg, it will be interesting to see if anyone can match Meat Trains firepower with Miles K.

Word on the street is that Meat Train is adding Billy and Conor Mora from Michigan along with Miles K. Watch out for them. Miles K is back for blood.

How many beers will it take to capture the coveted Z Bridge to Mackinaw Bridge title? I reckon over 12 would get you top 5.

The #Bears have reloaded this year, 2 new cubs. we will continue to fuel ourselves on meat, music and beer.

PapaBear wrote:

The #Bears have reloaded this year, 2 new cubs. we will continue to fuel ourselves on meat, music and beer.

I hope there is room in the back of the pick up truck for lost and abandoned GLRers. I think I recall Mrs. Kaylin Russeau being saved by the Bear Force after her MeatFlop team left her at the end of her leg. Bear Force even fed her gold fish en route.

When will first power rankings be out?

Bear Force Fan Cub wrote:

Bear Force even fed her gold fish en route.

goldfish isnt beer or meat so the BEARS have no use for it during GLR.

Alex R isn't running this year so the Z to Mac race is wide open. Rumor has it he hit 15 in 2014. This year... I'll be surprised if anyone breaks 7.

Bridge to Bridge wrote:

How many beers will it take to capture the coveted Z Bridge to Mackinaw Bridge title? I reckon over 12 would get you top 5.

Bold prediction: Meat Train fails to finish top 5

Not bold enough.

Let me show you how it's done: Meat Train fails to finish

GLR IS DEAD wrote:

Not bold enough.

Let me show you how it's done: Meat Train fails to finish

Even bolder Meat Train fails to start!

I met a runner from an antique land

Who said: Two vast and topless slabs of wood

Stand in the dune... near them, on the sand,

Half sunk, a shattered cup lies.

And on the trophy these words appear:

'Our name is Meat Train, team of teams:

Look on our works, ye Mighty, and despair!'

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare

The lone and level sands stretch far away

Two words: Cocoa Shea Butter

/thread

Dissapoint wrote:

No Power Ranker? No Jared Fogel? Where is Swami of the GLR?

This thread is as dead as the Clayton Murphy's medal chances in London.

Sorry I'm so late to the party, too busy celebrating my recent moral victory (CHECK OUT THE NAME ON LEG C-12 Y'ALL!).

In other news, it looks like a certain Ms. Brook "You Can't" Handler is unlikely to assemble a team for this year's edition--all of her pics on the internets show her being somewheres other than Michigan, and I just made up a clause that requires all team captains to live in the state for 1 month per year at minimum...so I guess she could do it as long as she wasn't team captain, but then the entire team dynamic would change and they'd probably have to let Morsi rip off some sub-3:30 miles in there too early in the event and he'd for sure burn himself out and probably (most likely) only be able to manage 41.3 miles @ 4:09 pace for the rest of the weekend which would make their chances as a team drop off a little bit unless trade rumors end up true that surrounded a trade for Zach "Lynx" Widner who will no doubt bust some butt for whatever team he represents but for real that guy needs to stop kicking so hard at the end of every leg--the 4 seconds you save your team will probs suck 10sec/mile out of your next leg dawg, I'm feelin' it dawg, but I'm not sending you to the next round, dawg.

But I digress.

Speaking of Morsi, here's another "Athlete Preview From A Non-Winning Team." Ladies and gentlemen (or probably just ladies), I present to you Morsi "Don't Call Me an Also" Rayyan. I used some artistic liberty on the pronunciation of his name, wherein one of the ehs and both of the whys are silent.

Most of you know Mr. Rayyan from his being the "life of the party" at your cousin's Bar Mitzvah last spring. Others know him from his otherworldly Strava account. Still more might recognize him as the fastest guy not named Lex "I swear my love for Jared Fogle is real" Williams to ever run on a losing GLR team. I know him through none of these means. In fact, I don't know him at all. I plan to write 300-500 words on a guy I've never met, who's never met me, and you're all going to eat it up like the UP-running keyboard-heroes you are.

As is often the case, I attempted to reach out to Mr. Rayyan, but he declined my interview request despite my leaving many several voicemails and even swiping right on his Tinder profile repeatedly; so it goes. I had no choice but to resort to my tried-and-true methods of internet sleuthing in order to create his profile. In doing so I learned that he should not be as fast as he is and I conclude that he is on something OR he has been logging ElliptiGo rides as running workouts (and let's be honest--who hasn't done that?). Mr. Rayyan rose from relatively humble beginnings (15:52 5k XC, 9:2x 3200m, lost to some chump named Beams a few times at various state championship races), so humble that I wonder if he played some real sport during the winter season as a high schooler since nothing else would explain why he was so awful before joining Coach Alex "Pepsi to the MAX" Gibby's Blue and Gold in the fall of 2010. What transpired throughout Mr. Rayyan's time at the U is nothing short of remarkable, for he went from an MHSAA also-ran*1 to somewhat of a 5,000m and 10,000m specialist over the course of a mere SEASON. This meteoric rise to the top is a feat which rivals that of one Winston E. Stoody*2. With the recent overhaul of Meat Train runners, it's safe to wager that Mr. Rayyan could now run a solo 10k faster than any single team in the relay could muster with a group of their best 6 runners each running a distance of 1 mile*3. I mean, he broke 14 minutes for 5,000m. That's even faster than Fecht ran home from Spike's last year in Grayling.

These days, Mr. Rayyan enjoys a life dedicated to his loving oversized parakeet, Ferlic, and retains his lust for your mother. He can be seen eating overrated donuts at the Washtenaw Dairy on most Saturday mornings with his entourage of fellow ElliptiGo enthusiasts. I fabricated the following quote to put all of his competition at ease for the coming race: "I just want everybody to know that my recent Strava uploads have been falsified and I am not really in sub-4 mile shape. Probably closer to 4:03 at best."

As you can no doubt see, Mr. Rayyan is ready to rumble in the UP jungle. Here's another quote I'm going to falsely attribute to him: "Lex would totally go for you. With a smile like yours, coupled with Lex's undeniable charm and wit, you two could easily be the best friends forever that you're destined to be."

In closing, who's CRIMMING this year?

*1. "also-ran" translates to "3200m State Runner-Up" in this instance

*2. For the W.E. Stoody naive, the gist is that Mr. Wes "My name is synonymous with the 10k" Stoody, formerly of the Fenton Tigers and Meat Train, was a self-proclaimed "10k specialist" at Eastern Michigan University from 2007-2011, during which time he managed to take the MAC (as well as the WORLD) by storm with his prowess over the distance, running times so fast that they were stricken from all online results databases for being too unbelievable

*3. I got you on a technicality here, since the team would fail to cover the full 10-kilometer distance and Morsi would ElliptiGo by them as they celebrated a lap early

WHOA WHO SAID YOU COULD START ANOTHER THREAD WITHOUT MY CONSENT? TOM PETTY, I WILL FIND OUT WHAT TEAM YOU'RE ON AND HAVE YOU ALL DISQUALIFIED.

I LOOKED AT THE COURSE LAYOUT AND REALIZED THAT YOU GUYS ARE ALL SCREWED. IT'S LIKE THAT TIME I WAS THE OFFICIAL AT YOUR DUAL MEET IN HIGH SCHOOL AND DECIDED TO DISQUALIFY YOUR TEAM FOR LACK OF HUSTLE EXCEPT THIS TIME I'LL DISQUALIFY YOU FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT TAKING A DUMP AT THE START OF LEG A-1. HERE'S AN UPDATED LIST OF SOON-TO-BE-DISQUALIFIED PARTICIPANTS:

1. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAM CONTAINING MEMBERS OF THE 2015 "MEAT TRAIN" SQUADRON BASED ON THE FACT THAT THEY'RE PROBABLY CHEATING.

2. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAM WITH MEMBERS WHO OWN SINGLETS THAT CONTAIN THE "PLAYMAKERS" LOGO BECAUSE I DISLIKE THAT STORE ON PRINCIPLE.

3. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAMS WITH HIGH SCHOOLERS RUNNING FOR THEM BECAUSE JARED FOGEL.

4. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAMS WITH BASYDLO ON THEM BECAUSE JARED FOGEL.

5. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAMS THAT FAIL TO REPORT TO THE START LINE PRIOR TO 15-MINUTES BEFORE START TIME BECAUSE I HAVE A MEGAPHONE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT BUT I DON'T NEED IT BECAUSE I PROJECT.

6. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY YOU FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT TAKING A DUMP AT THE START OF LEG A-1.

7. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF POSTING UPDATES ON THE GREAT LAKES RELAY FACEBOOK PAGE FOR WRITING IN ALL CAPS--THAT'S MY STYLE AND YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL THAT FROM ME.

8. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY BOB AND NICK FOR THEIR COMPLETE LACK OF CREATIVITY WHEN DESIGNING THIS YEAR'S COURSE. UNTIL YOU BRING BACK THE SAME COURSE WE'VE ALL SUFFERED ON FOR THE LAST 25+ YEARS, WE WILL BE UNHAPPY.

9. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY ANY TEAMS ASSOCIATED WITH OAKLAND UNIVERSITY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL KIND OF INSTITUTION NAMES THEIR INDOOR SPORTS FACILITY THE "O'RENA ARENA"? THEN THEY FAIL TO INCLUDE AN INDOOR TRACK? THAT'S BUSH LEAGUE

10. I PLAN TO DISQUALIFY MORSI RAYYAN FOR ALLEGED USE OF EITHER ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES OR FOR RIDING ONE OF THOSE STUPID ELLIPTIGO THINGS ON MOST OF HIS "RUNS."

*disclaimer: all Raff statements are impersonated...poorly

AH CRAP I FORGOT A DISQUALIFICATION. THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR NOT PROOFREADING.

11. I HAVE ALREADY DISQUALIFIED TOM PETTY'S TEAM FOR STARTING A NEW THREAD WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

*disclaimer: all Raff statements are impersonated...poorly

So how was everyone's weekend?