|this is real|
By Dan Bernstein
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist
Hey, folks. Itís me, Lance. Howís it going?
First, I just want to say thanks for buying all of the yellow bracelets and all the products Iíve endorsed. I really appreciate it, because itís been, like, hundreds of millions of dollars. And thanks for not noticing or caring when the American Institute for Philanthropy reported that my foundation spent as much as $45 to raise each $100. Iím sure you understand that charity work can be expensive!
I appreciate how you believed all the misinformation about how Livestrong has been raising money for cancer research, while instead has been lavishing its resources on marketing, promotions, public relations, legal fees, advertising and salaries. It has been a very successful branding effort: getting my name and logo splashed across the world, allowing me the chance to cut all kinds of personally-lucrative deals, and creatively monetizing the very idea of ďhope.Ē We couldnít have done it without you.
Thanks for not looking closely at the difference between livestrong.org and livestrong.com, since any money that comes through the for-profit latter is mine.
Anyway, Iíve spent more than a decade telling you and everyone else that I won all my races without the help of any performance-enhancing drugs, that my Tour de France titles and inspirational life story have been powered only by hard work, inspiration, belief, and my god-given abilities.
In fact, I have used every avenue available to destroy any doubters of my greatness, and anythingís available to someone with unlimited funding, the best lawyers, legions of willing protectors, iron-fisted control over cyclingís nominal governing bodies and sophisticated methods of outflanking even the most dogged drug testing.
Cross me, and your life would be ruined. Ask former teammates like Frankie Andreu and Greg LeMond for example. I ran Frankie out of the sport because he refused to lie on my behalf, and I made sure Gregís bicycle business failed because he spoke out against me. I even attacked Frankieís wife, Betsy, smearing her publicly as jealous and crazy.
Talk to Christophe Bassons. You can find him working in his native France, now, as a regional administrator of youth-sports drug testing. Funny how that works out, huh? He had to quit competitive cycling after he questioned my amazing Tour performances and I instructed every other rider and team to blackball him forever. Good times.
Thereís also Emma OíReilly, my masseuse and assistant who made the mistake of talking to the authors of ďLA Confidentiel.Ē I did what any former boss would do, and called her out as a drunken whore.
I even successfully squeezed money out of the Sunday Times of London for merely daring to reprint claims that anything I did was not entirely on the up-and-up. We came down on them like a ton of bricks, and they settled for the equivalent of half a million bucks. They should have known better.
But now Iím kinda bored, just wandering around the house ever since I made the decision to stop challenging all the baseless allegations from bitter liars and sour-grapes losers. As I said then, enough was enough. The fight against the unconstitutional witch hunt was taking valuable time away from my charity work.
So I want to do some triathlons and stuff, but I canít because they wonít let me after I quit protesting the unfair, biased campaign against me that never afforded me the due process entitled to any citizen of this great, great country, the United States of America.
Iím considering saying whatever anybody wants to hear. Iím sure Iíll be able to cut a deal to get back to competing. After all, I raised awareness of cancer, remember? You had never heard of cancer Ė ever Ė before I finally exposed this obscure, unknown disease.
Actually, Iíve made up my mind. Iíll just say it.
I did it. All of it. There.
Ok. So weíre good now, right?
|T. Boone Pickens the Fourth|
Great article but our country doesnt have outrage at these things anymore. If Obama fakes crying we get all worked up other then that forget about it.
Yup, we're good! Nothing to see here. I support you Lance!
|random a hole|
Proof that morons can turn anything into an anti-Obama rant.