My son has gone right off the rails

Precious Roy wrote:

To some degree, you just have to ride it out. A 13 year old boy losing his mom is going to be traumatic. His lashing out may seem terrible, but he probably does not have the maturity to express his anger, grief and anxiety in any other way at this point in his life. Traditional therapy can often fail with kids that age and may even be counter productive. Kids that age see therapy as just another burden on their already awful lives and do not understand that the point is to help them. The last thing a 13 year old boy wants to do is sit in an office for an hour and talk about his feeling. If possible, keep him moving and involved in anything that takes his mind off of what is going on in his life.

Exactly this, OP. He is still a child, and his mother essentially abandoned him. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to apply logic to this situation. You are left holding the bag so you are going to have to dig deep and be absurdly patient. The emotional outbursts and tantrums are likely because he doesn’t understand the way that he is feeling. You are going to have to double-down over the next few years and get him out of the house and do some serious bonding. Take him running with you as often as you can, even if it’s some short easy miles as doubles or whatever. Be patient and non-reactive to his BS, but tell him that it’s not okay, then get over it and do something with him, especially if he doesn’t want to.

I agree that therapy is an incredibly painful and often counterproductive experience for a boy of that age, especially when it is against his will, which is likely. Either a long summer break with his mother or a long backpacking trip in the wilderness or some other sort of frequent physical activity with a team might be very helpful in speeding up the growing up period. That age is tough for a lot of kids and most of them have their mother, if not also their father.

No. You are absolutely wrong, it is completely backwards of what you say. Violence and aggression in kids are trends that accompany SINGLE MOTHER homes. Men don’t socialize their sons to be bad men. A lack of a strong male role model allows development of pathological character.

I was this kid. Essentially the same senario.

I set out to pointlessly destroy the world. And I did too. When I got arrested it didn't do anything to help me. Now twenty five years later I'm grateful my parents stepped in and didn't let me make my own decisions regarding the arrest.

Discipline is the worst idea. It's like a chinese-finger trap. The tighter my father squeezed the more I felt justified in lashing out erratically.

The unfortunate truth is that you really do have to ride it out in my opinion. Tips I think would help a lot/ I wish my father had done:

Be unrelentingly supportive rather than condeming and encourage an outlet. Provide him his interests: pay for lessons, help him find a club, buy him a guitar. The guy is in chaos and needs help greiving the loss of his adolsence. If he can't get help finding a way to greive he's going to burn everything down instead.

Without knowing more, it's hard to say exactly what he is struggling with aside from the obvious Trauma that you mentioned with his mother abandoning him. That said, I am in the mental/behavioral health industry, specializing specifically with younger teen boys.

To me it sounds like Wilderness Therapy may be a good option and something to look into. I'm guessing from phrases like 'mum' and 'behaviour' you're likely from the UK. I don't know what options they have there, but in the US, there are a lot of programs like these that are reputable, do good work, focus on therapy, outdoor living, natural consequences, and typically focus less on punishment and more on healing/getting to the root of the trauma/behavior and finding a way to cope and rebuild familial relationships.

If you do go this route, look for a program that is a part of NATSAP and is either CARF or JCO certified to ensure it's up to standards.

Why am I reading about your son's behavioral problems on LR? Like, how does it have 3 pages of responses? I'm supposed to be reading about Jim Walmsley and Nike's fake shoe news.

You should send him away. Do they have military academies in the UK? Life is too short to deal with that kinda drama. Get that kid out of your house and out of your hair.

What a trash comment

Markmiles wrote:

Anyone else been through this?

He's 13 and has been steadily going down hill since the end of October, due to his mum moving to another country.

Regularly smashes glasses against the wall, throws heavy items down the stairs, some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).

On the verge of giving up.

Alright. Your son is losing is mum and can't do anything about it? Sure I would smash the spaghetti on the walls as well. This is a very tough situation for a kid. It has no control over what is about to happen.

Just wipe the spaghetti of the wall and be as understandable to your son as possible. He is going through a lot and so do you. Maybe tell him some of your own problems.

I wish you the best of luck with this.

Have you ever tried to talk to him? Not talk about football, but actually have a deep emotional connection with love, understanding and emotional empathy? Or do you parent by example through yelling at him or be emotionally unavailable and then wonder why he acts out?

Try building a relationship with your son. But obviously you haven’t for 13 years, so may be hard to correct the damage your emotional unavailability to your own son has caused.

Markmiles wrote:

Anyone else been through this?

He's 13 and has been steadily going down hill since the end of October, due to his mum moving to another country.

Regularly smashes glasses against the wall, throws heavy items down the stairs, some of his behaviour just can't be explained (throwing a tin of spaghetti all over the bathroom walls).

On the verge of giving up.

A 13 year old's mom moved to another country and you are not sure why he is acting out? Clearly you are a clueless dad and "On the verge of giving up" after a few months of rough behavior. I'm just gonna hazard a guess that the mom left because of you and you used keeping the kid as a weapon to hurt her. The kid is not stupid and knows you are a psychopath and wants to get as far away from you as humanly possible. Likely you'll give him to a foster home and both of you will get what you need. Good luck.

Official Speed Force User wrote:

Back in the day. Oh about 25 plus years ago now when a child got out of hand they were given 2 options......... You could be quiet and obey or you could get the belt across you’re ass then obey. I am not from those times but I always hear the stories of old. Anyways such punishment today is considered abuse in the highest from basically?‍♂️

I love it when people reference the glory days of parenting from the past. As if there was some acknowledged glory age when parents were really successful at raising their kids.

Boorish Yalie wrote:

Official Speed Force User wrote:

Back in the day. Oh about 25 plus years ago now when a child got out of hand they were given 2 options......... You could be quiet and obey or you could get the belt across you’re ass then obey. I am not from those times but I always hear the stories of old. Anyways such punishment today is considered abuse in the highest from basically?‍♂️

I love it when people reference the glory days of parenting from the past. As if there was some acknowledged glory age when parents were really successful at raising their kids.

I am in total agreement with you. I would like to remind Speed Force User that waaay back in the days (some 2 or 3 thousand years ago) stoning a wicked kid to death was prescribed in written law. Moral of the story: Be careful when we glorify the "good old" days of doing things.

Talk to him. Sit down with him and ask him what would help. Is anything going on at school? Maybe it isn't just his mum leaving, there might be something else.

Kick his a$$

Some excellent advice in this thread so thankyou to all those who have offered advice and tips.

The only help over here is talking to professionals which has been of no use at all.

He's agreed to go and stay with his grandparents for a month to give us both some breathing space. As a single parent with a full time job it's incredibly difficult to juggle everything, along with meeting the needs of his younger sister.

I did though get him to run a 5k race a few weeks ago which he enjoyed. I'm not going to try and force running onto him but he's keen to do another race.

His mum is in Newark, we're in the UK so if any of you see her, tell her from me she's a self absorbed c*** who's destroyed her son's life.

Cheers.

She does sound like a total c**t. Pics, and we'll all let her know..? Mate, how about one of those 'short term' boot camps - they run for about 2 weeks (instead of the longer term, boarding solution)? They run them in Australia and the USA - started by ex-Vietnam vets (and gulf war vets), but they don't take druggie kids or kids with genuine psychological problems; your kid sounds perfect . Seriously, 2 weeks could change everything. A sense of self-respect and discipline are the least of it. Think about it.

And this has what to do with running

You have gotten a lot of great and honest responses. It seems like the trolls are coming so let me give my 2c real quick: therapy only worked for me when I found a therapist that I could relate to and actually liked/trusted. There is an award-winning YA novel called A Monster Calls that deals with loss at that age. If you are the reading type, check it out (for you to read, I wouldn't recommend for him yet, but might help you see what he's going through) it seems to me that he doesn't understand his life right now and needs help and is now lashing out. He may be lashing out in your home specifically to ask you for help. How is he doing at school? It might be a good idea to reach out and see how he is doing. There may be a counselor at school he could speak with or other resources available in your community. Good luck and be patient.