Had a big blowup with my girlfriend. Would like some input.

Free Advice wrote:

When I take the Big 5 personality test, I generally score below the 10th percentile in neuroticism (basically a measure of emotional fluctuation and propensity for negative emotion), whereas when I answer the questions as if I was my girlfriend, it comes out showing she is above the 90th percentile. This is a very large difference in our personalities. On one hand it creates problems, but on the other hand it's almost a necessary evil because nobody who was emotional would be able to tolerate my gf's moodiness

More free advice from me:

Just the fact that you both took a personality test shows that you are both well aware of your differences. The test results confirm the differences. Why do you feel it is a "necessary evil"? Or better put, why do you need evil in your life? It is not necessary. Run away at your next opportunity.

The break up will be easy. Next time she blows up over something minor, break up with her. It will be just cause, aka, not your fault. This time, do NOT go back.[/quote]

I took the personality test for myself and then took it for her (I answered the questions as if I was my gf). I like taking personality tests so that I better understand myself and know where my strengths and weaknesses are. I know that if I asked my gf to take the Big 5 personality test that she wouldn't do it because she does NOT want to know about her weaknesses or where she falls on the spectrum of different personality traits. I think this is due to her personality and also knowing that she is much more emotional than most people, something she has said she doesn't like about herself, so having a test confirm it by saying she's at the 98th percentile would just make her feel bad.

Joe Joe Joe wrote:

I think this is due to her personality and also knowing that she is much more emotional than most people, something she has said she doesn't like about herself, so having a test confirm it by saying she's at the 98th percentile would just make her feel bad.

Meant to say that it was due to her insecurity, not personality.

Really? I do? Perhaps read what I have written again. I have clearly pointed out she has some major issues in her responses and behavior.

But all of this again begs the question....why are you still dating her/why do you put up with such drama? You have not answered this question.

Why'd you even ask for advice when you're clearly just going to keep going along the path you've laid out for yourself? Not all of the advice in this thread is that great but you're way too oppositional for me to take this seriously.

There is. But the way you describe it in your post is that you blamed her for how you felt. Perhaps you meant to say something else but that is what you said. Again though, this still falls back to you. Similar to the boss situation, I agree I wouldn't skip home from work saying "my job is AMAZING!". But if my boss did that, I would walk out on the spot. My happiness would not be affected. Same would apply to a toxic work environment. If their were minor annoyances, like sometimes I had a co worker that I sometimes had to interact with that was a bit rude...I would either:

1) First try to talk to the co-worker about the situation

2) If that didn't help, I would either decide if the overall enjoyment/value of the job was enough to make that particular downside worth it. If so, I would accept it and let it not be an issue for me.

3) If it was too much an issue, I would leave.

Same thing with your GF. I would not hang out with her that much if she were behaving that way and dragging you down. On the occassions where she is nice, happy, and friendly, I would make sure to compliment the heck out of her, and let it be known just how much I like that side of her personality. If she was unhappy, but not giving me drama, I would say something along the lines of "you don't seem like you're usual happy self, if there anything I can help you with/do for you?". If she lashed out at me, I would respond as mentioned in previous posts with drama. If she just wanted someone to open up to, I would hold her, listen, and sympathize. If she didn't get mad, but also didn't want to talk, I would politely say that her mood was having an effect on me and that I will let her think about her problems and take some personal time for myself. Problem solved.

Limes wrote:

Why'd you even ask for advice when you're clearly just going to keep going along the path you've laid out for yourself? Not all of the advice in this thread is that great but you're way too oppositional for me to take this seriously.

lol yea its lrc. Starting to feel that classic "present the situation kinda favorably and then look for sympathy". Oh wait, I didn't get sympathy? "Fvck these guys. Must argue." :)

LM is giving this guy some amazing advice and he is just in argue argue argue mode. Hopefully he is just young and headstrong thats not uncommon with the younger guys.

I hate to tell you, OP. But, this relationship is doomed.

I had one like it, and her anger issues and temper only become more often when she was more comfortable around me. My situation all stemmed from her being the baby of her family and being used to getting her way and whatever she wanted. I am from a large family, and am more traditional.

I broke it off. My car was damaged. Several times. No other car on the street was touched. When the police came to speak to her, they told me, she yelled at them, and said things like "he deserved it! he broke up with me!!"

And, as was everything in her, life, she got no punishment, and had no repercussions for her actions.

So, I finally moved further away. Several years later, I got married, and hope I never run into her again.

You should do the same.

If she acted like this, the relationship was almost certainly not salvageable unless you wanted a high drama rollercoaster for the rest of your life.

However, how did you respond when she gave you drama (her anger/temper)? What did you do/how did you react?

The technical term for your girlfriend and girls like her is "crazy b!tchh."

Seriously though, She has Borderline Personality Disorder (look it up). I dated a girl like this for two years, your life will be a living hell. There's also a book called "Stop Walking on Egg Shells," about people with this personality disorder. And since its a personality disorder, thats what her personality is, so there isnt much help except for her to act like a different person.

LM wrote:

No. All of the drama did not come from him. OP isn't handling the situation well, and likely contributes to the problem, but there are plenty of things she "created"

This is drama. From her. If he is approaching her to talk about a concern and she is reacting this way it's drama at it's finest. Now, if the OP brings up his concerns the exact same way he did where he said "are you responsible for your own actions"....then the drama isn't exactly out of the blue. I think we can all agree the way the OP brought up the topic was pretty terrible. Accusatory and aggressive right from the start.

However, I doubt the OP has brought up ALL of his concerns or issues so poorly. If he truly has, then he is clueless that statements like that are extremely hostile/drama provoking.

Based on the things the OP has posted, his dialogues with his GF are likely no better, and probably much worse.

Thus I don't believe his stories of the GF being the issue.

If I was in her position, I certainly wouldn't have put with him and would have left long ago.

The only issue that I see with her is that she's still trying to put him with him, and hasn't done that yet.

She needs to get away from him and move on.

I broke it off. I got away.

Joe Joe Joe wrote:

I'm familiar with NPD. My girlfriend is very, very insecure, but she is not NPD. She has low self-esteem and a relatively small ego (she does not really ever brag about herself in any way), but her insecurity and low-self esteem makes her take criticism very, very hard and personally.

I am trying to find a way forward but am struggling. If someone won't even answer yes or no questions and responds to questions and explanations with "You're playing mind games," "You're being abnormal," "You're the one with the problem," "You're trying to gaslight me," etc, there's not really any way to make progress. I feel like she's not even attempting to cooperate.

Your last paragraph I find troubling; and the last sentence even more so.

You are responsible for your own actions, and she should be responsible for hers. Therefore, unless you want this to continue, you really need to move on - away from her. It appears she likes the drama; and, frankly - as others have said, by sticking around, you appear to enjoy the drama too.

No one - and I really mean this - NO ONE has to put up with anything like this, unless they allow themselves to be stepped on. You are an adult. Act like one.

"People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are characterized by persistent grandiosity, excessive need for admiration, and a personal disdain and lack of empathy for others. As such, the person with NPD usually displays arrogance and a distorted sense of superiority, and they seek to establish abusive power and control over others."

1% of the population, but 80% of LRC posters...

uppitty wrote:

Limes wrote:

Why'd you even ask for advice when you're clearly just going to keep going along the path you've laid out for yourself? Not all of the advice in this thread is that great but you're way too oppositional for me to take this seriously.

lol yea its lrc. Starting to feel that classic "present the situation kinda favorably and then look for sympathy". Oh wait, I didn't get sympathy? "Fvck these guys. Must argue." :)

LM is giving this guy some amazing advice and he is just in argue argue argue mode. Hopefully he is just young and headstrong thats not uncommon with the younger guys.

Another vote for this. LM is giving amazing advice here. What he is saying about drama is so true. Pay him heed OP.

I had a big blowup girlfriend, too, but had no problems like this at all.

My humble opinion: Get out now. Whatever character flaws, personality disorders, or general frustrations you experience now, will only get worse with time. People don’t change, but this cuts both ways. The good stuff will only get better and the bad stuff will only get worse. Accept that reality and decide whether or not your emotional connection is worth the risk. It’s not unfathomable that you would still choose to stick around (despite what others might tell you). Emotions are a powerful thing, just know what you’re getting yourself into before you make any serious commitments. What you see now will never change.

The OP needs to learn these important words, and to repeat them often.

Yes dear.

You're right. I was wrong and won't do it again.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Move on with your life before it’s too late and you get married, or even worse, have kids.

But just the fact that you don’t already know that means you’re probably screwed.

Girls were never really for me. Not when I had Al