I need to talk to my girlfriend about her bad finances and would like some advice.

Keep separate bank accounts.

Set up direct debits from each to pay half each on the rent, bills and groceries. Then it's fair.

She should pay for her pets and her expensive cell phone as they are choices, you pay for your cell phone too. Anything that is used by both of you, is split in half.

I'd speak to her about the savings account - at least she has one, even if it has a few hundred dollars in it, that's something. Maybe she should start small, just put $50 a month into it and see it grow.

Is there any way for her to change her cell phone plan - seems like a waste of money, and often there are easy ways to e.g. cut the bill to a third of what it was. Obviously if she is tied into a 24 or 36 month contract then there's no changing that.

Anyway, what I'd do is keep things separate - that way you're both responsible for your own finances and yours shouldn't be impacted by hers.

Maybe you could get a third party to help, like a financial advisor - it might be eye opening when it's explained to her.

Good luck. I would be keeping things separate though.

When I met my husband, he was a saver and I was a spender (though not above my means). He came from a poor family and I did not. As we’ve got older, the roles reversed. We both became very successful but I feel like he has a need to show his success to the world, especially when it comes to spending money on me, his wife. I don’t, probably because I grew up with money. He’s a great guy and I wouldn’t trade him for the world, but if we did things his way we’d be drowning in stuff, short on savings, and bled dry by his family. Solution? I handle all of our finances now. We sat down and had that discussion a good 10 years ago. If you guys love each other and are both intelligent people, there’s a solution to be had.

Except OP has basically been avoiding the conversation because in the past she has flipped out when he brought this topic up. Not a good sign..

This particular reply is pretty spot on. Try to bring it up in the most strategic possible way. However, it’s unlikely she will REALLY change her mindset to be more like yours. It’s possible you could compromise and meet in the middle, but it will probably always be a source of friction to an extent.

You just need to decide eventually if that particular co aren’t source of friction can be overcome. All couples have pinch points, but finances are a biggie.

Maybe you should make an appointment with a financial planner for both of you. She needs to understand where she is on the bell curve of savers/spenders. Probably hearing it from you will result in a big blow-up, but maybe it will be more favorably received and taken to heart if it comes from a neutral third party.

You are someone that looks for the best in people and believes people can change, which means you have a good heart in addition to being financially sensible. In that sense, you're a helluva catch and your girlfriend knows it. That's one of the reasons why she's so good to you. The second she finds out you're not going to marry her life will get ugly.

Not everyone can change easily. Change takes serious work, with the biggest hurdle being at the emotional level. She didn't have to stay at a school that was going to result in massive debt, so after the first year and she turns 18 it's all on her. She may have great qualities but her financial immaturity will only continue to add stress to your life -- because finance is a premium in your life -- and stress in your relationship. It will end and you've already stated good reasons for it to end. Reread your lease -- I'm assuming you have an apartment together somewhere -- and start strategizing how to move on. It's going to hurt but it's the best thing for you long term.

Good luck!

Frugal Guy wrote:

I'd also like to share some about my finances without sharing all the details as I think that would lead to her feeling like I don't spend enough on her since if she had the money that I do she'd blow it all. I honestly kind of worry that intertwining our lives long term end with her pretty much bleeding me to death.

The finance issue would kill that issue for me before it got started.

Not only that, but having a cat in the house, and the fact that she wants multiple dogs are deal breakers too.

Whatever reason you think she's the best relationship that you've had - maybe she's drugging your food.

In any case, I would most definitely not live with her, and would keep looking around for someone more compatible.

Frugal Guy wrote:

I really hate this idea that people never change because, even though I have observed it to be true most of the time, I feel like I've changed a great deal for the better in a variety of ways and have made changes in my actions after people talked to me about things. I don't see why it's so hard.

SOME people change. You've changed. I've changed. Most people don't.

She is NOT going to change.

Don't be with someone and expect them to change, because they are NOT going to change.

If she was going to change, she would already be changing, but she isn't. Thus, she is going to keep getting WORSE.

Move on now. Gently move away from the cliff you're about you get pushed over.

Just ignore the issue and play out the string for as long as you can enjoy it. Eventually she'll start asking you about getting married, or you'll get bored, and it'll be time to move on.

so, you're super strategic and smart about your money - that's great. Your partner is not, and you identify that as a problem, so I think you're smart to bring it up sooner than later. And, as you say, she can be a little defensive about the topic.

I think it's worth considering why this is the case. If she is super thin skinned about talking finance, as you say, that really suggests that she also knows it's a problem. But, I think you need to consider why it's happening in the first place.

Consider whether her purchasing patterns are in reaction to something in her past or a reaction to personal insecurities. Often times with this sort of thing - ongoing patterns of self-destructive (-ish) behavior, it's a reaction or compensation related to something else.

I would therefore advise that you bring up the topic in a very open, general way - don't drill down on finance, savings, spending patterns, etc. Your best approach is to make the conversation less about money, and more about personal well being.

Good luck

Frugal Guy wrote:

[quote]one guy's opinion wrote:

3) I could never marry her because the risk to my finances is too high. Given her financial state, she has to have some idea marriage is off the table for her with pretty much any man.

I do appreciate the input.

You might be smart with finance, but you sound like an idiot when it comes to personal relationships. Stop wasting HER time if you feel this way.

I hope you're a troll because if not, damn, you are emotionally cold and terrible.

go deeper, dude wrote:

Frugal Guy wrote:

[quote]one guy's opinion wrote:

3) I could never marry her because the risk to my finances is too high. Given her financial state, she has to have some idea marriage is off the table for her with pretty much any man.

I do appreciate the input.

You might be smart with finance, but you sound like an idiot when it comes to personal relationships. Stop wasting HER time if you feel this way.

I hope you're a troll because if not, damn, you are emotionally cold and terrible.

I'll respond to this bit since it came up in a few others' posts. I'm assuming you guys are either very young or very naive (or both). When a man and woman get married, if they get divorced, the net wealth of the couple combined generally gets split at least 50:50, often times 60:40, 70:30, or even more, in favor of the woman. Given more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, it does not make sense for a man to take that financial risk when his worth is many times that of the woman. In my case, the difference is more than $150,000 as I have about $100,000 and she has more than $50,000 of debt. Being unwilling to marry someone in that scenario is not "emotionally cold." It's sensible and a matter of protecting oneself from losing 50+ percent of their wealth over a breakup. The relationship can be nearly identical without having finances legally bound, so why bind them? Relationships can still be good, healthy, and long-term without culminating in marriage.

Actually neither very young, nor naive. For a letsrun thread, I will also add kudos to other responders and say you have received some quality feedback, assuming this is not a troll post. I'm sure every person who has responded to you on here has at a bare minimum a cursory understanding of divorce and its impact on finances. As I've now stated multiple times, you haven't clarified if you have made it obvious to her that you could never marry her. Seems like a giant waste of time, for her.

Why is it a dealbreaker with you? Is it your money she's spending? It sounds like you are mostly bothered by how not like you she is regarding money. If she doesn't want to talk about it, there's not a whole lot you can do. If you saw your neighbor making lavish purchases and living beyond their means would you approach them and say "Look, I know this is not my business, but..." I imagine not. That said, finances are a major cause of friction in relationships, particularly in marriages, but since you are not married you don't have much leverage. You can accept it or walk away.

Two words. Prenuptial agreement.

OP.

Finances are a huge deal in a marriage. If she feels that you are the man for her then she will respect how important finances are for you and she will either let you handle all the finances ( as my wife does) or she will be willing to be educated on the subject.

As a side passive income is great. I am riding AGNC and NLY witch kick me 12% dividends per year. Multiple 4 figures per month.

one guy's opinion wrote:

As I've now stated multiple times, you haven't clarified if you have made it obvious to her that you could never marry her. Seems like a giant waste of time, for her.

The relationship would only be a waste of time for her without marriage, if her only objective is to screw him out of all of his money. In that case, absolutely don't tell her anything, just run, run, run far away from her.

Les wrote:

Two words. Prenuptial agreement.

If they got married, she would most definitely pass along much debt to him in the marriage.

The OP is playing with fire. I see no upside for him to be in this relationship.

And they appear to have nothing in common. She's apparently a master at playing him for a fool.

Couldn’t your girlfriend easily start a thread that goes something along the lines of:

“I have this amazing boyfriend who I love so much, but he is a huge life nit who is obsessed with hoarding his income so that he can be sorta kinda rich but not really when he is old and his life has passed him by. I have always enjoyed living in the moment and making the most of my youth, but my perspective clearly frustrates and angers him. He is absolutely positive that his way is the only way. How can I talk about this with him?”

You seem to be starting with the assumption that your way is “correct”. To make matters worse, you are posting this in a forum that will basically serve as an echo chamber for your own viewpoints. Why not post this question on a forum full of female posters who like to live life more like your girlfriend?

Distance runners are huge dorks. Your girlfriend sounds cool and fun. Maybe you balance each other out nicely and everything is actually okay? At the very least, start by accepting that her perspective is valid.