Get a lawyer NOW. The best you can buy. She will destroy you man. She is going to get half. Half your pension, half the house plus child support & alimony.
You’re fine bro. Pay a lawyer now or pay out your ass the rest of your life.
Get a lawyer NOW. The best you can buy. She will destroy you man. She is going to get half. Half your pension, half the house plus child support & alimony.
You’re fine bro. Pay a lawyer now or pay out your ass the rest of your life.
Way too formulaic of the usual letsrun marriage problems thread. I give it a 2/10.
OP here....thanks for all the replies.
Sadly, I don't think there's any way to salvage our marriage. My wife is 100% convinced that a divorce is what she wants and to move back home because "there's nothing here for me". Look, I never royally screwed up. I don't go out drinking or stay out late, I don't work too many hours at work, etc. I'm just not that great at being what she wants. I work and make a good living, I help cook, I help with laundry and cleaning around the house, in fact I do MOST of the cleaning (even though my wife stays at home all day), I put both kids to bed every night, I take care of the house, do all the maintenance on the vehicles.
I ONLY run between 4:30 am and 7:30 am and I am ALWAYS done by 8am. I do this so that I am running while both my kids and my wife sleep. I never choose running over family. If I am running it is because the family is sleeping. I only started running again as a means to deal with the stresses of life last year. Just wanted to explain that my marriage problems do not stem from running, in any way. If it were not for running, the last 6 months would have been even more rough for me.
I’m going to contact a lawyer and find out the best way to proceed.
Also, if this is serious, you're wife seems like she is just unhappy overall. You put in the effort to make some changes, and she is still not happy with the marriage. She thinks getting out of the marriage and moving home will make her happy. Sure whatever. Is she happy with herself and her life? Are you and her asking the tough questions about yourselves? Or are both just expecting things to work out with a few changes here and there?
I have noticed that when people are continually unhappy, they rarely practice the self reflection and self assessment necessary, while not being too harshly critical of oneself, to reach a point of contentment.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
Hello all, before I talk with a lawyer and as I still try to process everything I've come here for advice. I'll keep it short and sweet.
After 8 years of marriage my wife has asked for a divorce. I first realized how bad things were about a year ago. We've tried working through things but she isn't happy. She asked me to change certain things about myself, which I have done and she has recognized that I have done, but says she still isn't happy and wants to move forward with her life without me. I still love her very much, but over the last 3 months I've come to realize that our marriage is over. Neither of us have ever cheated or been involved in a domestic dispute or anything wild, we've simply grown apart.
I'm more introverted than my wife probably realized when we were dating (I had stopped running then). When I picked up running last year to help deal with all this stress it just pissed her off more as she only saw it as more time away from her. My wife wants a man that's going to sit on the couch all weekend and watch musicals and love stories, and that just isn't me.
Here's my dilemma....we have lived in Colorado for the past 6 years & my wife wants to take the kids and move back "home" to be near her family in Nebraska. I have a great job here and recently got my 2nd promotion. I make enough money to live comfortably which has (since we got married) afforded my wife the opportunity to be a "stay at home mom." In the last 4 years my wife has started her own business (she's an "artist") and makes about $25k a year (zero of which she contributes to any bills or living expenses).
I'm TRYING really hard not to be a jerk, but there is ZERO chance I'm letting her take our kids out of state, not a chance. Everything we own is in my name. I told her that I would sign her vehicle over to her so that it's in her name and that I will pay for a place for her to live for 1 year while she gets on her feet on her own for the first time in life. I also agreed that I would give her 50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
We are trying to do this WITHOUT spending a ton fighting in court. I'm trying to do the "right" things while at the same time not screwing myself over. The only debt we have is our mortgage. I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible. Really just looking for some guidance and where to start as my whole life has been spinning out of control lately and sadly, running is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I'm 34 years old and my wife is 29. Never thought I'd be "starting over."
A word of wisdom similar situation with me almost 20 years ago. Wife wanted out of marriage and wanted to move to another state to be with new wealthy man. We had a son and he stayed with me.
When she left me I had $1.67 in my account and we struggled but made it through.
When it didn't work out with new wealthy man she came back to be closer to her son.
We patched things up and have been married ever since and just had 26th anniversary.
Don't worry too much about the past or the future focus on 'right now' this moment. Be who you are but stand behind what you believe in. You might not be able to change you wife's mind but you can be and will be a great father to your children if you live in the moment.
Not sure why you are worried about money when it really is your children you should focus on. If you have to 'start over' it will be for the best and things will work out like they always do. Enjoy your moment and say 'yea to it all'. Pick you a book by Joseph Campbell and it will all make sense. Cheers.
The runnng has f all to do with it.
Imagine a guy ditching a supermodel because she goes jogging every day.
If she missed you out running ditching you hardly improves that.
Sounds like you are well shut of her but it's tragic really if she takes the kids away. I'd get a.lawyer to fight for access
Think First wrote:
Avoid getting lawyers involved if at all possible. They will suck the money right out of you and prolong everything. Is Colorado a community property state? That is a big factor. Do they have an online state child support calculator like CA does? You can still negotiate it but it will give you an idea of what she may ask for.
Excellent advice!
1) Work with her while you educating yourself
2) Explain that you want to come on an agreement together
3) Understand what she will likely be awarded by state law
4) Be fair / generous, it's much cheaper than lawyers
5) If she lawyers up you have to as well
Lawyers are very expensive and in the end just follow the rules of your state.
Didn’t get divorced wrote:
My perspective: 3 months is a very short time in an 8-year marriage. Do you love her? Does she love you? “Growing apart” happens; what you do about it is up to the two of you. Marriage is work; a long marriage is a cr$pload of work.
I’ve been married for over 20 years. I’ve seen a divorce attorney twice, both times because we’d “grown apart,” except the couch-loving partner in my scenario was my husband. Same as you, no infidelities, no domestic disputes. No kids, even, and two successful careers, plus no ill will, so it wouldn’t have been messy.
We did separate for a few months 2 years ago which I think is what saved our marriage. It turned out we really missed each other, in very heartfelt ways, not the domestic whose-turn-is-it-to-pick-up-the-dry-cleaning ways. We started talking again. We sat down and made actual lists of what each was expecting/wishing for in the other person, pros and cons, etc. We got at what’s important.
Not every marriage that “feels” over is over. After a few years, you may have settled into routines, got careless with the effort a relationship takes, and a clean break seems like a good idea. In my case, I got restless; a divorce would’ve been easy and we both would’ve moved on easily too: we’re both attractive, independent, and successful. Your wife might be restless too: she’s younger than I was when I got the itch for “greener pastures,” plus she’s been raising two small kids. I imagine that makes you want to reinvent yourself at some point. The thing is, you can reinvent yourself without abandoning the person you’d decided to spend your life with in the first place.
If all it is is feeling like you’re stuck in a rut and picture your free time differently, it’s worth some time apart and taking a second look. My husband doesn’t run or geek out like I do and I have zero interest in golf and TV. But we decided that this is mostly fluff. What matters is respecting each other’s integrity, sense of humor, and how each of us contributes differently to the team that has accomplished so much together. We’ve each made changes. I’ve diverted some miles and my husband some TV hours to kayaking and tennis and other things we both enjoy. I’m glad we did because I had almost given up a man who after 20 years I can still say is the best man I’ve ever known.
Take time apart before you call it quits and get some distance so the two of you can take a hard, honest look at where you are without recent hurt and resentment coloring the picture. If you do decide it’s not worth it, be sure you’ve really given it a chance.
OP, the above is great advice. I think doing everything you can to avoid divorce is the best path to take. This would include a period of separation, therapy, etc. If at the end of all of that you get divorced, well at least you did everything you could.
I’ve been married for 16 years, we have two kids, and we got married at approximately the same ages you and your wife did. At three different points in our marriage we’ve gone to marriage counseling—each time it helped tremendously (be warned though, it can be painful emotionally to go to therapy—but it probably pales in comparison to divorce).
We even had a separation prior to kids where I though lt we were probably going to divorce. Thankfully we did not.
Good luck OP. There—surprisingly —is some good advice in this thread. Unusual for an LRC thread.
lol...
dude you are in for a rude awakening.
you're about to get your clock cleaned in terms of financials. she's going to take >50% of your assets and a significant chunk of your income.
A few thoughts:
You probably want to start the process sooner rather than later if you know the marriage is irretrievable. As a general matter, courts are not likely to let her leave the state with the kids once proceedings have begun.
To do this, you should hire a lawyer. You don't have to have the lawyer do absolutely everything, especially if you can reach agreement on some things, but having a lawyer is an important part of the processs. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a lawyer, although I'm not a family law guy. But I'm not saying this out of an interest in promoting my professsion, but rather because getting the low down from a licensed attorney is the only way to be sure that you know how things work in your state.
But hiring a lawyer is expensive and you really don't have enough income or assets that you've disclosed to make hiring an expensive lawyer to fight worth it. You need a technician at this point, not a bull dog. Pay for what you need.
Regardless of how things are titled, anything you acquired during your marriage is likely to be considered part of your marital assets which would be split in half in lost cases, absent an agreement between you and your wife to the contrary. Bottom line, she's entitled to half of the savings you've accumulated during hat time, half of the 401(k), half of the value of any vehicles or real estate, etc. generally, you'll each get to keep anything you had coming into the relationship.
On top of that, you're likey to have a duty to pay alimony. You make considerably more hanbher and you've been marrried long enough that alimony is likely to be part of your reality for some period of time at least.
You will also likey have to pay child support, even if you split custody. That part is something that I'm a bit more hazy on, but I'm pretty sure you'll have to deal with it.
Start thinking about a parenting plan. This will deal with not only custody, but who gets to make school choice decisions, who gets what holidays, when you and your wife can cohabitate with new partners, when those partners can be introduced to the children, etc.
It's going to suck, man. I'd feel worse for you, but you're about to embark on a whole world of sexual experiences with new women, so that tempers my sympathy some.
Good luck.
ohhhhboy wrote:
sorry dude, what a bummer. She is going to put you into the poor house. She is going to alienate you from the kids your friends, neighbors etc. The court will always side with the mother and the children and she will return to court countless times to modify the judgement. She owns half of everything...period and she will get more than half. You cannot "agree" to anything, the court will decide and you can agree to that, you won't have a choice. I guarantee the wording the opposing attorney will use is going to put you thru the roof "protection order" She wants those kids away from a "abusive, unresponsive" father. Divorce gets ugly, be proactive, be offensive first. Attorneys make more $$ as this thing drags out and some will drag it out. The retainer fee is just a estimate and you will far exceed the retainer until you have to cut your losses and agree to her BS.
Running is therapy, start do Ultra training
Honestly - this is amazing advice. I had a co-worker who had the EXACT experience outlined above.
I worked with a guy who despite being a CPA and making probably 120K a year in a low cost of living area.. just got ABSOLUTELY wiped out.
She took all of his money and he had to end up living with his parents for a while.
It didn't end there... tons of court hearings, heated phone conversations, and expensive lawyers fees later... it took him like a good 3-4 years just to get back on solid ground and that is with a relatively huge income.
OP needs to learn to live on like 20-30K a year honestly.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
OP here....thanks for all the replies.
Sadly, I don't think there's any way to salvage our marriage. My wife is 100% convinced that a divorce is what she wants and to move back home because "there's nothing here for me". Look, I never royally screwed up. I don't go out drinking or stay out late, I don't work too many hours at work, etc. I'm just not that great at being what she wants. I work and make a good living, I help cook, I help with laundry and cleaning around the house, in fact I do MOST of the cleaning (even though my wife stays at home all day), I put both kids to bed every night, I take care of the house, do all the maintenance on the vehicles.
I ONLY run between 4:30 am and 7:30 am and I am ALWAYS done by 8am. I do this so that I am running while both my kids and my wife sleep. I never choose running over family. If I am running it is because the family is sleeping. I only started running again as a means to deal with the stresses of life last year. Just wanted to explain that my marriage problems do not stem from running, in any way. If it were not for running, the last 6 months would have been even more rough for me.
I’m going to contact a lawyer and find out the best way to proceed.
Sorry bro, but it sounds like you married a lazy loser for a wife.
Smoove wrote:
A few thoughts:
You probably want to start the process sooner rather than later if you know the marriage is irretrievable. As a general matter, courts are not likely to let her leave the state with the kids once proceedings have begun.
To do this, you should hire a lawyer. You don't have to have the lawyer do absolutely everything, especially if you can reach agreement on some things, but having a lawyer is an important part of the processs. In the interest of full disclosure, I am a lawyer, although I'm not a family law guy. But I'm not saying this out of an interest in promoting my professsion, but rather because getting the low down from a licensed attorney is the only way to be sure that you know how things work in your state.
But hiring a lawyer is expensive and you really don't have enough income or assets that you've disclosed to make hiring an expensive lawyer to fight worth it. You need a technician at this point, not a bull dog. Pay for what you need.
Regardless of how things are titled, anything you acquired during your marriage is likely to be considered part of your marital assets which would be split in half in lost cases, absent an agreement between you and your wife to the contrary. Bottom line, she's entitled to half of the savings you've accumulated during hat time, half of the 401(k), half of the value of any vehicles or real estate, etc. generally, you'll each get to keep anything you had coming into the relationship.
On top of that, you're likey to have a duty to pay alimony. You make considerably more hanbher and you've been marrried long enough that alimony is likely to be part of your reality for some period of time at least.
You will also likey have to pay child support, even if you split custody. That part is something that I'm a bit more hazy on, but I'm pretty sure you'll have to deal with it.
Start thinking about a parenting plan. This will deal with not only custody, but who gets to make school choice decisions, who gets what holidays, when you and your wife can cohabitate with new partners, when those partners can be introduced to the children, etc.
It's going to suck, man. I'd feel worse for you, but you're about to embark on a whole world of sexual experiences with new women, so that tempers my sympathy some.
Good luck.
Why you you giving legal advice on a website. I'm reporting you to the your bar.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
Hello all, before I talk with a lawyer and as I still try to process everything I've come here for advice. I'll keep it short and sweet.
After 8 years of marriage my wife has asked for a divorce. I first realized how bad things were about a year ago. We've tried working through things but she isn't happy. She asked me to change certain things about myself, which I have done and she has recognized that I have done, but says she still isn't happy and wants to move forward with her life without me. I still love her very much, but over the last 3 months I've come to realize that our marriage is over. Neither of us have ever cheated or been involved in a domestic dispute or anything wild, we've simply grown apart.
I'm more introverted than my wife probably realized when we were dating (I had stopped running then). When I picked up running last year to help deal with all this stress it just pissed her off more as she only saw it as more time away from her. My wife wants a man that's going to sit on the couch all weekend and watch musicals and love stories, and that just isn't me.
Here's my dilemma....we have lived in Colorado for the past 6 years & my wife wants to take the kids and move back "home" to be near her family in Nebraska. I have a great job here and recently got my 2nd promotion. I make enough money to live comfortably which has (since we got married) afforded my wife the opportunity to be a "stay at home mom." In the last 4 years my wife has started her own business (she's an "artist") and makes about $25k a year (zero of which she contributes to any bills or living expenses).
I'm TRYING really hard not to be a jerk, but there is ZERO chance I'm letting her take our kids out of state, not a chance. Everything we own is in my name. I told her that I would sign her vehicle over to her so that it's in her name and that I will pay for a place for her to live for 1 year while she gets on her feet on her own for the first time in life. I also agreed that I would give her 50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
We are trying to do this WITHOUT spending a ton fighting in court. I'm trying to do the "right" things while at the same time not screwing myself over. The only debt we have is our mortgage. I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible. Really just looking for some guidance and where to start as my whole life has been spinning out of control lately and sadly, running is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I'm 34 years old and my wife is 29. Never thought I'd be "starting over."
I went through a similar situation 4-years ago. Two very small children and was blindsided by wife wanting divorce.
Here's what I've got as advice:
Speak with a very good attorney. Pay the money for the best. As much as you want it to be amicable, it won't be. Even if you both go in to it wanting to be civil, it really turns out as a war. She will want as much as she can get and you need to to fight for everything that is yours. Do not let her move with your kids...and she really can't move without your permission. Many women go in to divorce assuming they will be primary caregiver because they are the woman. Not true. You should be able to have at least a 50/50 split of time with your children. You may need to hire a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) to ensure you are accurately portrayed as a good, caring, involved dad when it gets in front of a judge. The weight given to the report a GAL writes is big when in front of a judge.
It will be rough but hang in there. Be a good father and quite frankly, things will look a lot different for you in a few years...and probably in a good way. I can say that my ride began as incredibly depressing but I am so much happier now. I have a great new partner and a new kiddo (in addition to my other two awesome kids whom are with us every other week). Right now it may seem like the end of the world but it will get better.
If the OP is delusional enough to come here for life advice, no wonder she wants a divorce.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
OP here....thanks for all the replies.
Sadly, I don't think there's any way to salvage our marriage. My wife is 100% convinced that a divorce is what she wants and to move back home because "there's nothing here for me". Look, I never royally screwed up. I don't go out drinking or stay out late, I don't work too many hours at work, etc. I'm just not that great at being what she wants. I work and make a good living, I help cook, I help with laundry and cleaning around the house, in fact I do MOST of the cleaning (even though my wife stays at home all day), I put both kids to bed every night, I take care of the house, do all the maintenance on the vehicles.
I ONLY run between 4:30 am and 7:30 am and I am ALWAYS done by 8am. I do this so that I am running while both my kids and my wife sleep. I never choose running over family. If I am running it is because the family is sleeping. I only started running again as a means to deal with the stresses of life last year. Just wanted to explain that my marriage problems do not stem from running, in any way. If it were not for running, the last 6 months would have been even more rough for me.
I’m going to contact a lawyer and find out the best way to proceed.
2/10. This is letsrun. $85k a year isn’t a good living. That’s hardly living at all. After your wife moves out, she’ll hook up with a real runner who makes $250k a year and can run a sub 15 5k.
PS: Nobody asked about your running. Your wife doesn’t care. She’d like you to be a little more built, but she’s glad you’re not fat.
For sure you should see an attorney. He can tell you what is likely to happen if you went to court and you can use that info in negotiating with your wife.
Didn’t get divorced wrote:
Not every marriage that “feels” over is over. After a few years, you may have settled into routines, got careless with the effort a relationship takes, and a clean break seems like a good idea. In my case, I got restless; a divorce would’ve been easy and we both would’ve moved on easily too: we’re both attractive, independent, and successful. Your wife might be restless too: she’s younger than I was when I got the itch for “greener pastures,” plus she’s been raising two small kids. I imagine that makes you want to reinvent yourself at some point. The thing is, you can reinvent yourself without abandoning the person you’d decided to spend your life with in the first place.
.
I;m hoping you have the courage to be honest, what does "restless" mean? It means you wanted to date and have sex with other guys doesn't it? At this point in my life, I don;t think that I will ever get married even if I love a woman, they are to mentally and emotionally unstable and it hurts to deal with them.
surelyu wrote:
Didn’t get divorced wrote:
Not every marriage that “feels” over is over. After a few years, you may have settled into routines, got careless with the effort a relationship takes, and a clean break seems like a good idea. In my case, I got restless; a divorce would’ve been easy and we both would’ve moved on easily too: we’re both attractive, independent, and successful. Your wife might be restless too: she’s younger than I was when I got the itch for “greener pastures,” plus she’s been raising two small kids. I imagine that makes you want to reinvent yourself at some point. The thing is, you can reinvent yourself without abandoning the person you’d decided to spend your life with in the first place.
.
I;m hoping you have the courage to be honest, what does "restless" mean? It means you wanted to date and have sex with other guys doesn't it? At this point in my life, I don;t think that I will ever get married even if I love a woman, they are to mentally and emotionally unstable and it hurts to deal with them.
It hurts to deal with people, period. It’s also hugely rewarding. “Restless” was a lot of things for me, though mostly a drive to do more and be more. Yes, when your spouse hogs the sofa and you want to climb Kilimanjaro, your level of attraction to him/her takes a hit. It’s what you DO about it in the end that matters. Of course I was attracted to other people. Aren’t men? Does anyone go through life never looking at anyone other than whom he/she married? Fidelity is a choice, and sometimes a tough one.
If you want to paint all women with a “mentally and emotionally unstable” brush, that’s your call. Presumably you’ve got some raw experience you’re reeling from; either way it’s no skin off my back. It is naive, though, and ultimately hurts no one but yourself.
Cheers.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
Sadly, I don't think there's any way to salvage our marriage. My wife is 100% convinced that a divorce is what she wants and to move back home because "there's nothing here for me".
She's probably been chatting with an old high school flame back in Nebraska, and can't wait to be with him again. She is lazy, and complaining about nothing. The fact is that you are too good for her. I agree with the others that she's planning to take you to the cleaners, get at least half, and have you support her for the rest of her life. I would definitely divorce her, but be very careful about giving her anything. Be very tight with your assets, because she will try to take everything.
I’m a D2 female runner. Our coach explicitly told us not to visit LetsRun forums.
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