Am I right to be annoyed with my partner? If so, what's the best way to handle things?

looking for feedback... wrote:

I've tried to do something like this before but end up stumbling/not fully saying how hurt I feel because I don't want to appear clingy and just have a hard time expressing some of the negative emotions I feel. Occasionally when this happens I just end up getting quiet because I can't bring myself to fully express this. Really need to work on it.

Dont do something like it , use the actual cube, write down the prompts and even your answers if you need to and bring them with you and read off the paper if you need to.

Being able to communicate is essential in any relationship. If you dont communicate things fester and you end up resenting the other person for something they dont even know bothers you.

If you live to be a people pleaser, you will feel empty inside.

The women in my life that have inspired me the most were the ones I could respect. The women that rejected me are the ones that respected themselves the most. While, the women that just came on to me... I felt we were just gonna use each other.

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Whatever you do, worry about yourself first. Don’t worry about someone else’s well being. We’re all adults. Codependent relationships are relationshìts.

Got a text around 5 PM saying "let me know if you have any plans for today :)". I do already have some plans to spend time with my family today.. not sure if this is worded in a sense of "let me know if you want to do something." Figure I should just say "yea I do" and then discuss some of this in person the next time.

looking for feedback... wrote:

I avoided saying genders on purpose because I am a woman

Therefore everyone presumed you were gay.

I expect nothing less from Letsrun :)

It sounds to me like you simply struggle with assertive communication which is super common for both women and men. I struggle with this myself. In the model I am most familiar with, there are 4 basic types of communication:

1) Passive communication - This is basically just going with the flow and not expressing your own needs or wants to the point that you end up getting run over consistently. To make matters worse, those around you actually have no way of knowing that you are hurting or unhappy with the situation since they cannot read your mind and rely mostly on what you share with them.

2) Aggressive communication - This can include yelling, barking orders, cussing, blaming, etc. and is obviously unpleasant to deal with. But it does have one major advantage... at least people know where you stand.

3) Passive-aggressive communication - This is the most hurtful form of communication. It involves failing to express your wants or needs while sumultaneously punishing others for failing to read your mind. It is horribly confusing and frustrating for others to experience.

4) Assertive communication - This is the ideal way to communicate. It basically means that you consistently and politely express your wants and needs. It also tends to free others to express their own wants and needs as well so that you can work together effectively.

It sounds to me like your partner may have no idea that you are upset due to passive communication. Playing games to punish your partner’s behavior would obviously be passive-aggressive communiction that can only harm your relationship. The solution is to simply call him up and politely let him know what changes you would like to make and why. And of course, take his input into consideration which it sounds like you already do very well.

Fwiw, I would also find the situation that you are describing pretty annoying as I am a very punctual, plan ahead type. I often have to remind myself that other people do not necessarily think like me, especially since I find more spontaneous “live in the moment” types of people to be so much fun to hang out with. Good luck! :)

You've hit the nail on the head, this is exactly my issue.

Anyway, partner I think could sense something was wrong but I just said I was tired (which I am) and asked if we could talk tomorrow. I'd prefer to talk when I'm more fresh/preferably in person, where I'll try to calmly just explain my side of things (that this behavior has made me feel this way, even if he didn't mean it that way). He said sure but asked if I was okay/said he was worried I was upset with him about something. I'd prefer to discuss these things not over text but don't want to reiterate that too much or else it just sounds cryptic.

There is some really good advice on this thread. I definitely think you're doing the right thing by planning to discuss it with him face to face, rather than over text, as things can get misconstrued. Hopefully you can figure out something that works for both of you, rather than last minute arrangements. Maybe making plans a few days in advance, or even a week, so you both know where you stand. If you know what you want, and explain it properly, hopefully it will work. The new arrangements will hopefully make it easier for both of you. What you're asking isn't offensive, or out of order, or anything like that. Good luck.

looking for feedback... wrote:

I avoided saying genders on purpose because I am a woman, and figured by doing this I'd get various sexist comments (and I know that may happen now)... but if it helps with giving better advice, that would be nice.

Also, it's 30+ minutes with traffic, just makes it tricky to stick around too late sometimes. It's actually a relative's place that I am staying temporarily.

Well your situation is el classico. You are a woman and women quite often think that men will know what you want bythemselves or just because you mentioned it some time ago. But sadly that does not work like that. Male brain works completely differently. I am married for 7 years now and a father of two kids but we still have misunderstandings with my wife once in a while because she assumes that I can read her mind.

The only way is to have a normal direct conversation where you express what you want from him (how you want him to act, what you like or don't like about his attitude). Then it's up to him to decide. If he doesn't agree, then he simply is not THAT interested into you. It will hurt but it's better to know it now. Otherwise he will do his best not to disappoint you or at least will explain why he can't. It's simple as that.

Good luck

What’s wrong with you? Stand up for yourself and get somebody in your life who likes and respects you.

Planning days and weeks in advance is what I prefer to. So I get what you are saying. I dated a guy years and compromised A LOT and i felt like an after thought. After we broke up I dated lots of different people and discovered what things were important to me and what my deal breakers were. One thing that I love about my husband is that as soon as we were an item he made plans in advance, was excited to see me, and made me a priority. There were no games or seconded guesses about his intentions.

Depends somewhat on age, in the sense that I would think the lack of any planning in advance is more likely a lack of respect/esteem for the relationship in a 30 yo than a 25 yo.

If it’s not immediately post collegiate I think it shows a clear lack of respect for the relationship or not being all that into it.

I’d tell him once clearly how it comes off, and things need to change.

If he ejects from the relationship then I think no loss because he wasn’t viewing it as marriage oriented.

On the other hand, if you aren’t marriage oriented either and just like want to know what your Saturday plans are by Wednesday, then maybe a softer line is called for.

Lots of good advice above.

Sounds like you struggle to communicate. Write down your feelings in a letter.

gdm wrote:

Sounds like you struggle to communicate. Write down your feelings in a letter.

I'm not so sure. Judging by her initial post, her communication through writing is lacking as well.