I love my gf and want to marry her. But she has a crazy amount of debt. Need advice.

Honestly, $100k in debt isn't really that big of a deal if at least one of you can earn decent money. If you both focus on your careers and earning it'll be a rounding error. If not, you were destined to scrape by anyway. Focus less on pinching pennies and more on maximizing both of your earnings potential.

With that said, it sounds like you just started dating. The initial rush of falling for someone is awesome, but maybe give it a year to see how things shake out after that initial feeling of euphoria subsides. Can't imagine she's pushing you for a ring this soon anyway.

Look up Dave Ramsey. He as a formula that countless people have used to pay off these kinds of debts. Actual results.

Marry the girl and pay it down together. Marriage to an awesome girl is priceless. $100k is nothing by comparison.

Not to mention the fact that the habits you form when paying down the debt will set an incredible foundation for the rest of your married life.

It's pretty obvious that most of you have never really been in love. To quote our beloved leader....SAD!

So, if you get married, you combine your salaries and live in the same place and then just throw mad money at the debt. You could get it gone in 3 years probably if you really wanted to. You just have to make sure that if you get married, you get a place that is in line with needing to pay back what is now $100,000. It isn't THAT big of a deal as others have said.

Pics???

Also, how do you expect serious advice without providing your PR's?

OP here. Thanks for the varied responses. Didn't expect it given my long-winded post. I'll try to address some things people have said.

When I said I want to marry her, I didn't mean I'm planning to propose in the next few weeks. It was shorthand for saying that this girl seems like marriage material and is very much someone I think I could marry in 2 years or something. I would never marry someone before dating them at least 1.5 years.

As for net wealth, etc, due to being old for my grade and spending 5 years in undergrad due to athletics, I've only been working 6 years. My first few years after college were spent doing jobs that paid more in experience than money. Building to 100,000 in that time seems significant to me, though that's not really the point. I am currently at about the 84th percentile for my age, and if things continue, I will have $150,000 in another 4-5 years. My gf, with her debt, is at about the 2nd percentile for her age. Money certainly is not everything, but a difference of $200,000 between us is pretty significant, especially when neither of us have a high earning potential at present. I see myself continuing with my education and skill development to where I might make six figures in the future, but that is 5-15 years away.

What is probably a bigger issue for me than the debt itself is her financial habits and her thinking. It appears to me she has never thought long term about money ever. She has never had any real cushion, nor does she have any retirement, nor does she set herself up to even allow for any savings each month. She can't even support herself much of the time and has relied on her parents or friends to help her when anything unexpected happens. It's that COMBINED with her debt that is a major concern for me. Unless things change, she will never be able to contribute financially to our relationship or family at all, and I will be solely responsible for supporting myself (even during times when I might have to go do school or something), our kids, any blips that happen, and potentially her retirement, all because of her debt and money management skills. It's not really much of a partnership. She prioritizes living in a nice house, having an expensive phone, pets, a nice car, etc, over paying her bills on time or being able to feed herself. I'm not saying it's an insurmountable problem, but it's a problem. Maybe she can change. I don't know yet. I am planning on having another hard conversation with her about it.

Finally, while I do agree love is a big deal, I have a great life as it is. I am very career-oriented, have hobbies that I love, friends, and have had lots of casual women who like me too. I have never longed to get married or even have a serious girlfriend before. I do appreciate having one, and my gf has been truly great, but the idea of being single without kids the rest of my life does not bother me. I'm not trying to brag about that at all; it's just my nature. I am really trying to give this a serious shot though because I've never really felt this way about a girl before.

Thanks again for the replies.

Amazed wrote:

I am amazed by these responses. Don't marry the girl of your dreams because of debt?

If money is the most important thing for you than I feel nothing but pity.

If she is the girl for you, then marry her and figure out how to pay down the debt, end of story. Don't even think twice.

Would you pay $100,000 for the girl of your dreams? Some people pay that much for a car.

The right wife is worth infinitely much more than $100,000. Money is just a means to an ends. A good marriage is one of the most important things in anyone's life.

Figure out your priorities

The girl of your dreams? Wtf is this? A Barbara Cartland novel?

fromtheheart wrote:

Pre-nup is required. Her debt is hers, your assets are yours. Like most things in life these days a little paper work is necessary.

No it is not, he doesn't have anything to protect.

Student loans typically don't get divided in a divorce, especially if they existed before the marriage.

The two of you are not on the same page at all... Disagreements about money is the #1 cause of divorce. If you are serious about marriage, spend a few thousand on good pre-marital counseling. It will save you 100s of thousands on lawyer bills, alimony, child support, and asset division in the future.

As someone posted earlier, prenup or have her pay down her debt significantly prior to marrying.

Marriage is a contract. Face it. Best to have it laid out on situations where the contract would need to end prior to the goal.

Do no mix finances; keep them separate.

You both need to be able to discuss financials rationally and without emotion; that's what would tell me whether or not this would actually last.

I married a spender; without any regard for how hard the work is to make large sums of money. We're now in the process of divorce; and while there are other issues involved, the financial issues and failure to address them just added gasoline to the embers.

That, and a failure to learn any lessons from previous spending habits (like loaning money to family members, buying new vs used cars, etc. etc.).

To recap; pre-nup required if you want to marry the girl while she has debt. See if you can rationally discuss finances and follow-through with her. Don't co-mingle your money.

Report back.

First off, I classify student loans differently than I do credit cards per se. Assuming having a master's degree makes your GF more employable and potential for a higher salary, a student loan should be considered an investment. $100K is a lot of debt, especially when it all belongs to one person in a relationship, but it is pretty common among young people nowadays. It's the harsh unfortunate reality people learn to deal with. Don't expect her parents to help pay off her debt, if they haven't done it up to now, they certainly won't do it after she gets married. You both will have to attack the debt and after the 2 of you start earning decent salaries the debt payments won't too bad. How much is the woman of your dreams worth? I married the woman of my dreams and she is worth more than any amount of money.

In the Trump economy, people with money are doing well, especially if you own property and are in the market. A major downside is young people are drowning in health care cost, student loans, and stagnant salaries. I know young couples with degrees from top tier schools who are living paycheck to paycheck. That's the reality of this day and age.

y89 wrote:

Insist on anal sex. Goodbye!

This. She will leave.

Let's say you decide to marry her, and like most weddings, you'll easily drop $25,000. Then elope instead and put it all toward her $100,000 debt. Just like that you're 1/4 done paying it off.

Marriage is a good institution. But it does weird things to your mind.

I would advise having a really good, tough talk about finances before your even considered proposing. You have NO IDEA how much money will become a stress point between you if you don't.

Money can be a deal breaker. Trust me. It permeates a marriage like oxygen swirls in the atmosphere.

If you do marry, I would suggest a pre-nup and keeping two separate retirement accounts. Pay equal shares into both your finances on an annual basis, but use her share to pay off her loans (perhaps putting some into retirement) first while you fund your retirement account. Once her debt is paid off, fund the retirement. Make it non-negotiable that you will autocontribute X% to this goal before you get married. That way, if you split, you are still covered OK for your later years, and you haven't been an jerk and left her with a bunch of debt without helping.

y89 wrote:

Insist on anal sex. Goodbye!

Good idea, I've always wanted to get pegged!

What would worry me more than the $100000 in debt, is that she is not frugal as you are.

The debt might be manageable. But your different attitudes towards money probably won't change.

Tough call. But from my keyboard I would ditch her.

Good luck with your decision.

Um dude, you’re 30. Find a 25 year old who is financially responsible with a job making at least 70k plus. This gives you 4 years to get a head start before she starts wanting kids. Hopefully by then you’re both making 100k with about 300k-400k net worth.

Run run run run run

well,, wrote:

Amazed wrote:

I am amazed by these responses. Don't marry the girl of your dreams because of debt?

...

Would you pay $100,000 for the girl of your dreams? Some people pay that much for a car.

The right wife is worth infinitely much more than $100,000.

The girl of your dreams? Wtf is this? A Barbara Cartland novel?

Initially I kind of agreed with the idea "would you pay 100,000 for girl of your dreams" idea. A great wife is really priceless. Worth so much more than $100,000.

Psychologically though I think there is a different feeling we have when WE invest the money into something as opposed to paying off the debt of ANOTHER.

It strikes me that human nature being what it is, this is the kind of situation that can make a person a little resentful that you are helping pay off the debt of another person, a debt YOU did not incur. I am not saying this is something a person can't get over, but when you can't buy a new car you want because the debt payment on her loans is taking the money or she is not making enough money to pay it out of her salary and you need to resentment can follow.

It has the potential to create a feeing of "hers" and "yours" when things should be an "ours."

Only you know if you can get over that.

I skim read your post so maybe you mentioned these:

1) What is she doing to pay off the debt besides getting her parents help? i.e. plan, amount, etc.

2) Have you talked with her about your concerns?

3) Have you suggested she downsize her lifestyle to concentrate on paying off the debt?