I think the ONLY choice is to shave your head, dress like Billy Corgan and join the wedding party at the front as the "Alternative" Groomsman and claim you misheard.
I think the ONLY choice is to shave your head, dress like Billy Corgan and join the wedding party at the front as the "Alternative" Groomsman and claim you misheard.
Just tell him you rented the tux and don't. Obviously your wife suggests skipping it lol, she d probably run with any excuse she could get her hands on to not go. Partially because she doesn't want to, partially because girls hate when their boyfriends have fun with their friends.
There's this saying "Happy wife, happy life." Take the money you would waste going to the wedding and treat your wife to a night out. You'll be much happier. Think about who you're spending time with. That's who you want to be bending over backward for.
Also, the fact that your friend even requested this shows that he either doesn't respect you or has no balls to tell his future wife how stupid the idea is. Does he also want you to be an alternate to the bachelor party. They've got an awesome trip planned. You'll have to prepay for everything and hope one of his better friends gets sick or something so you can join.
Be a Friend; Be Honest wrote:
Oh man. First of all, it’s not your buddy’s idea. It’s some stupid thing your friend’s fiancé read in Garden & Gun or something. Don’t take it too hard. Be the better guy. I’d send him a nice note letting him know that you appreciate the sentiment and are looking forward to the wedding, but that you’re declining the alternate spot due to the cost of the tux and your responsibility to be a good date to your wife.
Don’t feel bad about saying it’s related to the cost of the tux; he needs to hear that. Even if it’s not true. People get crazy at weddings and forget that everyone else doesn’t consider it the biggest event in THEIR lives, too. I had a friend get married in the Bahamas and invite 200 people. I went with my wife, but I’d say 1/10 of our friends showed up. Bride was crying. I had to tell them that people just can’t pony up $5,000 for someone else’s wedding weekend.
How old are you? Presuming you’re not a troll.
Is this real? The bride actually EXPECTED all invitees to fly to a destination wedding? Wow.
My wife and I have received invitations to weddings that require travel but usually the couple is sending the invite out of pure respect/friendship and don't really expect too many people to attend.
Some folks are absolutely clueless
Guys World wrote:
lacking in taste and decency wrote:
Personally, I'd advise you to decline an invitation to any wedding using rented tuxedos.
Now THIS is definitely a girl thing. Most guys have a tuxedo, yet so many brides think the groomsmen need to have the EXACT same tuxedo, so they insist on renting 3,5,10 of the same. So dumb. Unless someone has a midnight blue or velvet tux, it really looks better to let everyone have their own personal details. I put my foot down at my wedding and just said, “this is stupid. You couldn’t even tell me how my friends’ tuxedos are different if your life depended on it.”
Young guys, if you’re asked to rent a tuxedo, go to Jos Bank and buy one. It’s about the same cost and you’ll wear it 100 times.
Most guys have tux? Really?
Wear a tux 100x?
rojo wrote:
The best advice is the following.
samax wrote:
People telling you to skip the wedding and end your friendship are overreacting. Weddings are complicated, and choosing a bridal party can be messy. You have to draw lines. People get hurt all the time. Your friend probably has a limited number of slots and feels obligated to give those slots to specific people (e.g., brothers, brothers in law, cousins, childhood friends). The fact that he's asking you to be an alternate is probably his way of trying to include you despite not having the room. If he weren't so awkward, he'd probably just explain the situation, apologize, and reinforce that he values your friendship.
In terms of how to proceed, I would thank him for thinking of you, decline the offer to be an alternate due to tux cost (the chances of a bridal party member spontaneously skipping the wedding are slim), and tell him you're looking forward to the wedding.
And honestly, if you guys truly are close, you should be able to talk about this. Tell him you understand that wedding planning is tough, but that you were hoping to be an actual groomsmen. This could clear the air and get a productive conversation started in which you learn his rationale.
It's crazy that they asked you to be an alternate groosman and to rent a tux. Totally crazy. The guy should have said, "Hey you are one of my best friends. I just want you to know we don't have room for you in the official party."
Your wife is telling you to skip the wedding of one of your best friends? That's horrific advice but just shows you how crazy wedding are.
I'm concerend for you and your buddy. Yes, weddings can be stresfful but your wife's advice and whoever came up with the alternate groomsmen idea (someone guessed it was the other wife) came up with some real bad decisions.
"You are one of my best friends, but you did not make the top 5".
Being asked to be an alternate is rude.
If two days before the wedding a groomsmen comes down with the plague, then call the friend and ask him to step in, but do not insult someone like that.
Luv2Run wrote:
rojo wrote:
The best advice is the following.
It's crazy that they asked you to be an alternate groosman and to rent a tux. Totally crazy. The guy should have said, "Hey you are one of my best friends. I just want you to know we don't have room for you in the official party."
Your wife is telling you to skip the wedding of one of your best friends? That's horrific advice but just shows you how crazy wedding are.
I'm concerend for you and your buddy. Yes, weddings can be stresfful but your wife's advice and whoever came up with the alternate groomsmen idea (someone guessed it was the other wife) came up with some real bad decisions.
"You are one of my best friends, but you did not make the top 5".
Being asked to be an alternate is rude.
If two days before the wedding a groomsmen comes down with the plague, then call the friend and ask him to step in, but do not insult someone like that.
Caring about labels like 'top best friends' is for 5 year olds. Besides, OP can't even have this convo with the guy face to face, they cant be THAT close. If a close friend of mine asked me to rent a tux but not where it i'd say 'fack you man i aint paying for that' and they'd probably laugh.
OhLord needs the social crutch of the bottle wrote:
Oh Lord wrote:
Oh man, that is terrible.
Here’s the plan, either use Uber XL or look into a black car service for the weekend. That’s literally what those things are for. Tell your wife you want to drink at the wedding events.
My first thought was OhLord has a SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM.
Did anyone else think that?
WTF. Most weddings are gonna be pretty painful if you can't have drink or three. Especially with the type of people who think demanding a free DD from the wedding guest pool is appropriate.
Just have like 4 drinks and they'll have to solve their own problems.
I was at a wedding recent where one of the groomsmen bailed ~3 weeks out. Plenty of time to get an alternate tho..
No way do you give into renting a tux as an alternate -- if he is this concerned about someone bailing he can foot the bill as insurance, no?
Luv2Run wrote:
Most guys have tux? Really?
Wear a tux 100x?
I don’t know, but I’ll give you my rundown since High School. I dated someone from another high school so I had four proms. I ran in college so I wasn’t in a fraternity, but I was invited to a handful of formals by my girlfriend and various girls I knew from campus. I’ll estimate six.
Every wedding I participated in, other than my sister’s, was formal. At least five, though I know it was more. I’ve had two friends get remarried and both had formal weddings (oddly, in my opinion). I’m in a very non-exclusive social club in town that has two formal dances every year (spring/fall). It’s basically a running club that has parties. I’m on the board of a local educational committee that has a formal fundraiser around Christmas.
At this point I’m at about 40 tux events since high school. You can buy a solid tux for $500. I’d have hit that just renting in high school (which I did).
Being a runner, you can wear the thing forever because you won’t get fat. Get a basic tuxedo without any flashy trendy things (super skinny fit or wide lapels) and you can use it for as long as you want.
It’s got nothing to do with being fancy. It’s just kind of something I’ve used a lot.
OP, only you know if this guy is serious or being put up to this by the fiancée. You make the call. Do not rent a tux “just in case.”
You are the troll of the year, by the way. Great thread. 10/10, and with style!
Harambe wrote:
OhLord needs the social crutch of the bottle wrote:
My first thought was OhLord has a SERIOUS DRINKING PROBLEM.
Did anyone else think that?
WTF. Most weddings are gonna be pretty painful if you can't have drink or three. Especially with the type of people who think demanding a free DD from the wedding guest pool is appropriate.
Just have like 4 drinks and they'll have to solve their own problems.
I agree the wedding isn't fun for me but like I said , I will have my 3 kids and I would not drink more than one beer or glass of wine in this situation anyway. Driving in the small town could be fine. I can get away and do some hard core drugs.
Maybe...? I Dont Know wrote:
Luv2Run wrote:
Most guys have tux? Really?
Wear a tux 100x?
I don’t know, but I’ll give you my rundown since High School. I dated someone from another high school so I had four proms. I ran in college so I wasn’t in a fraternity, but I was invited to a handful of formals by my girlfriend and various girls I knew from campus. I’ll estimate six.
Every wedding I participated in, other than my sister’s, was formal. At least five, though I know it was more. I’ve had two friends get remarried and both had formal weddings (oddly, in my opinion). I’m in a very non-exclusive social club in town that has two formal dances every year (spring/fall). It’s basically a running club that has parties. I’m on the board of a local educational committee that has a formal fundraiser around Christmas.
At this point I’m at about 40 tux events since high school. You can buy a solid tux for $500. I’d have hit that just renting in high school (which I did).
Being a runner, you can wear the thing forever because you won’t get fat. Get a basic tuxedo without any flashy trendy things (super skinny fit or wide lapels) and you can use it for as long as you want.
It’s got nothing to do with being fancy. It’s just kind of something I’ve used a lot.
OP, only you know if this guy is serious or being put up to this by the fiancée. You make the call. Do not rent a tux “just in case.”
You are the troll of the year, by the way. Great thread. 10/10, and with style!
wearing a tux 100x in your life is not normal. The average is probably 3-5x
those things look ridiculous anyway.
spend the money on a suit you actually like and looks good and you will actually wear, not some Monopoly guy cartoon wear.
Ok, I disagree with most people in this thread so for the sake of intellectual diversity I'll explain why.
I was an alternate groomsman in a wedding this summer and I thought it all worked out really well (with conditions).
The most important reason that I don't think it was ridiculous to ask me to be an alternate was because the bride has two brothers in the military and they could potentially get deployed any time before the wedding and, as it happened, they did get shipped out only SEVEN DAYS before the wedding with only a weeks notice. My buddy let me know when he sent the invite that Plan A was to have her brothers as groomsmen but if they had to leave last minute then I would be one of the two guys to make the numbers even. He told me two weeks before the wedding, I already had the suit, he provided the tie, and we all had a good time!
Another huge caveat would be that the groom was also very smart in choosing suits for him/groomsmen that were really cheap. I mean like $50 cheap on Groupon. 99% of people aren't going to be able to tell the difference between a rented tux and a $50 suit that you take in to get tailored. We wore them like a badge of honor and I was so glad he decided to go this route and I didn't mind buying the suit at all because I'd probably find other situations to wear it.
A last thing to keep in mind is that it's their wedding and if you really care about them then you should do your best not to be difficult. Obviously that goes both ways (see my suit explanation above), but I don't understand why some people become divas at other people's weddings. We all come around to celebrate a couple deciding to spend their lives together, if person A gets chosen to be in the party instead of person B then you don't need to go to war over it, just try to make it as enjoyable for the couple as possible (within reason).
Luv2Run wrote:
Guys World wrote:
Now THIS is definitely a girl thing. Most guys have a tuxedo, yet so many brides think the groomsmen need to have the EXACT same tuxedo, so they insist on renting 3,5,10 of the same. So dumb. Unless someone has a midnight blue or velvet tux, it really looks better to let everyone have their own personal details. I put my foot down at my wedding and just said, “this is stupid. You couldn’t even tell me how my friends’ tuxedos are different if your life depended on it.”
Young guys, if you’re asked to rent a tuxedo, go to Jos Bank and buy one. It’s about the same cost and you’ll wear it 100 times.
Most guys have tux? Really?
Um, yea. Many kids own tuxedos if they are invited to formal events/weddings 1-2 times per year. They're not that expensive or difficult to find. Maybe 100-200 dollars for a normal, no frills tuxedo.
anemiadude wrote:
Ok, I disagree with most people in this thread so for the sake of intellectual diversity I'll explain why.
I was an alternate groomsman in a wedding this summer and I thought it all worked out really well (with conditions).
The most important reason that I don't think it was ridiculous to ask me to be an alternate was because the bride has two brothers in the military and they could potentially get deployed any time before the wedding and, as it happened, they did get shipped out only SEVEN DAYS before the wedding with only a weeks notice. My buddy let me know when he sent the invite that Plan A was to have her brothers as groomsmen but if they had to leave last minute then I would be one of the two guys to make the numbers even. He told me two weeks before the wedding, I already had the suit, he provided the tie, and we all had a good time!
Another huge caveat would be that the groom was also very smart in choosing suits for him/groomsmen that were really cheap. I mean like $50 cheap on Groupon. 99% of people aren't going to be able to tell the difference between a rented tux and a $50 suit that you take in to get tailored. We wore them like a badge of honor and I was so glad he decided to go this route and I didn't mind buying the suit at all because I'd probably find other situations to wear it.
A last thing to keep in mind is that it's their wedding and if you really care about them then you should do your best not to be difficult. Obviously that goes both ways (see my suit explanation above), but I don't understand why some people become divas at other people's weddings. We all come around to celebrate a couple deciding to spend their lives together, if person A gets chosen to be in the party instead of person B then you don't need to go to war over it, just try to make it as enjoyable for the couple as possible (within reason).
You are a good and rational guy, they should have made you best man at the wedding.
no big deal wrote:
Luv2Run wrote:
Most guys have tux? Really?
Um, yea. Many kids own tuxedos if they are invited to formal events/weddings 1-2 times per year. They're not that expensive or difficult to find. Maybe 100-200 dollars for a normal, no frills tuxedo.
well if you are a kid you have to buy new tuxedo every year or it won't fit.
if you are a kid being dragged to a tuxedo event multiple times a year I feel sorry for you.
it is not normal for a kid to own a tux.
As much as I'd like to say this is a ridiculous idea, one of our groomsmen backed out due to illness the day before our wedding. We did not have an alternate already in mind or make him pay for the rental tux, but my brother-in-law stepped up and filled the spot. I can't fault the OP's friend for being too prepared.
txRUNNERgirl wrote:
As much as I'd like to say this is a ridiculous idea, one of our groomsmen backed out due to illness the day before our wedding. We did not have an alternate already in mind or make him pay for the rental tux, but my brother-in-law stepped up and filled the spot. I can't fault the OP's friend for being too prepared.
When, for you, does a person needing a balanced wedding photo become more important than treating a friend with respect? Telling a friend they are tier two but they should nonetheless spend money on a tux “just in case” he’s needed to balance out a photograph? You would do that to a friend? Really?
I’ve actually been to a couple of weddings with extra bridesmaids and didn’t notice with one of them until someone pointed it out. The wedding I did notice was 4 bridesmaids and only two groomsmen . However, they each had one best friend and then family- she had three sisters but he had only one brother. Made sense. It sure didn’t ruin the wedding. Having an unbalanced wedding party would only ruin the wedding for horrible horrible people.
sorry wrote:
no big deal wrote:
Um, yea. Many kids own tuxedos if they are invited to formal events/weddings 1-2 times per year. They're not that expensive or difficult to find. Maybe 100-200 dollars for a normal, no frills tuxedo.
well if you are a kid you have to buy new tuxedo every year or it won't fit.
if you are a kid being dragged to a tuxedo event multiple times a year I feel sorry for you.
it is not normal for a kid to own a tux.
No need to buy a new one every year. You have it hemmed so the hem can be taken down. Same with the cuffs. And it’s quite normal for a kid to be in a family wedding, go to a bar mitzvah, see a ballet, attend a charity event etc once per year. If you don’t take your kid to a tuxedo event at least once per year I feel sorry for them. This is exactly why the idiots on this board totally lack social graces.
no big deal wrote:
If you don’t take your kid to a tuxedo event at least once per year I feel sorry for them.