Where does a spouse's loyalty reside?

Smoove wrote:

I am going to be honest here. I've heard this quite a few times, especially from brand new dads, and I never really understood it. I just didn't have the same experience. Kids don't give you anything back at all for the first three months. There was no primal inherent connection for me. I am not saying this is the case for all of the dads who say this, but I get the sense from some of them that they are expected to feel this way, so they act as if they do. I love my children more than anything else in the world. But it took me three months to get there With each of the three of them. Before that time, I was simply exhausted and stressed out about whether not they were going to be alive when I woke up in the morning. It was a lot of worry and concern, but not that inherent,intense love that you hear so much about.

I say this not to suggest that you didn't genuinely feel this way, but rather as a public service announcement to the other dads, particularly the new and expectant dads, who don't or won't feel this way immediately. It's OK, it will come.

biogen wrote:

Do you have kids? I don't know about any of the other fathers in this thread but from the second my daughter was born, I've felt towards her far more strongly than anyone or anything else I've ever experienced. It absolutely dwarfs any other feeling I've ever felt. It is primal and involuntary.

Smoove wrote:

I am going to be honest here. I've heard this quite a few times, especially from brand new dads, and I never really understood it. I just didn't have the same experience. Kids don't give you anything back at all for the first three months. There was no primal inherent connection for me. I am not saying this is the case for all of the dads who say this, but I get the sense from some of them that they are expected to feel this way, so they act as if they do. I love my children more than anything else in the world. But it took me three months to get there With each of the three of them. Before that time, I was simply exhausted and stressed out about whether not they were going to be alive when I woke up in the morning. It was a lot of worry and concern, but not that inherent,intense love that you hear so much about.

I say this not to suggest that you didn't genuinely feel this way, but rather as a public service announcement to the other dads, particularly the new and expectant dads, who don't or won't feel this way immediately. It's OK, it will come.

biogen wrote:

Do you have kids? I don't know about any of the other fathers in this thread but from the second my daughter was born, I've felt towards her far more strongly than anyone or anything else I've ever experienced. It absolutely dwarfs any other feeling I've ever felt. It is primal and involuntary.

Smoove wrote:

I am going to be honest here. I've heard this quite a few times, especially from brand new dads, and I never really understood it. I just didn't have the same experience. Kids don't give you anything back at all for the first three months. There was no primal inherent connection for me. I am not saying this is the case for all of the dads who say this, but I get the sense from some of them that they are expected to feel this way, so they act as if they do. I love my children more than anything else in the world. But it took me three months to get there With each of the three of them. Before that time, I was simply exhausted and stressed out about whether not they were going to be alive when I woke up in the morning. It was a lot of worry and concern, but not that inherent,intense love that you hear so much about.

I say this not to suggest that you didn't genuinely feel this way, but rather as a public service announcement to the other dads, particularly the new and expectant dads, who don't or won't feel this way immediately. It's OK, it will come.

biogen wrote:

Do you have kids? I don't know about any of the other fathers in this thread but from the second my daughter was born, I've felt towards her far more strongly than anyone or anything else I've ever experienced. It absolutely dwarfs any other feeling I've ever felt. It is primal and involuntary.

thejeff wrote:

brahmamama wrote:

prioritization != "at the expense of"

As you've said yourself, it is not mutually exclusive. But the kids are my (and my wife's) top priority. They don't have to be spoiled brats just because of their importance to me. Likely, that they are more important likely means I will spoil them less than my wife.

I think the thread has devolved into just arguing semantics at this point. You've acknowledged you'd save your kid/s over your wife in the unthinkable situation and that it is natural to have stronger ties to your kids based on biologically innate motivations.

Your family is a team. There are, however, teams within a team.

Against the outside world, I back my family, nearly regardless of the circumstances.

Within my family, I look out for the interests of my nuclear family first. This means that I prioritize my wife and children over the rest of my family. How often is that an issue? Rarely, but tomorrow we are going on a date instead of going to a family dinner, because we had the date (and babysitter!) scheduled first, and I am going out of town the next day... so, it happens.

Within my nuclear family, I prioritize my wife over my children. How does this look? When my children ask if someone can spend the night, my wife and I discuss it beforehand. We usually discuss discipline before it is doled out, even if it is a quick "Spanking?" "Yep." Also, more to the point, my children know that the second worst thing they can reasonably do within our home is to try to pit us against each other: "Mom, can I do (activity)? Dad said it is ok with him if it is ok with you," when I actually said, "Let me talk to your mom, first." (The worst is lying, if you are interested.)

I am curious: can you give me a specific example of how you might prioritize your kids above your spouse? I cannot even imagine what that must look like.

PS- The example of having to choose between my wife's live or my child's life is not an everyday occurrence. It actually hasn't even happened once. However, day in and day out, my children know that their parents are a team, a united front, who sometimes disagree but ultimately function as a single unit.

brahmamama wrote:

thejeff wrote:

Your family is a team. There are, however, teams within a team.

Against the outside world, I back my family, nearly regardless of the circumstances.

Within my family, I look out for the interests of my nuclear family first. This means that I prioritize my wife and children over the rest of my family. How often is that an issue? Rarely, but tomorrow we are going on a date instead of going to a family dinner, because we had the date (and babysitter!) scheduled first, and I am going out of town the next day... so, it happens.

Within my nuclear family, I prioritize my wife over my children. How does this look? When my children ask if someone can spend the night, my wife and I discuss it beforehand. We usually discuss discipline before it is doled out, even if it is a quick "Spanking?" "Yep." Also, more to the point, my children know that the second worst thing they can reasonably do within our home is to try to pit us against each other: "Mom, can I do (activity)? Dad said it is ok with him if it is ok with you," when I actually said, "Let me talk to your mom, first." (The worst is lying, if you are interested.)

I am curious: can you give me a specific example of how you might prioritize your kids above your spouse? I cannot even imagine what that must look like.

PS- The example of having to choose between my wife's live or my child's life is not an everyday occurrence. It actually hasn't even happened once. However, day in and day out, my children know that their parents are a team, a united front, who sometimes disagree but ultimately function as a single unit.

Again I think has devolved into arguing semantics. I don't interpret anything in your examples as prioritizing your wife over your kids.