Just found out my dad had an affair. How am I supposed to react?

pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:

Jed Clampett wrote:

Forgive him.

You do not say whether he has continued that affair. Perhaps he regrets it and needs to feel forgiven. We all make mistakes. It does not have to finish our lives.

I think you can still admire him for his good qualities. That's what we have to do anyway!

What is there to forgive? He didn't end his cheating partner's marriage by himself.

Let's pretend we can act like adults as adults around our adult parents. I'd let this one go because it amounts to poor boundaries.

This is what I was thinking. I don't want my dad in my sex life, so I don't intend to get into his. I actually think it was very wrong of my mom to make a point of sharing it with me in an attempt to demonize my dad. I'm not saying it's a good thing; just that it's not my business who my dad is sleeping with.

There are two important relationships to take care of, the one with your Dad and (less obviously) your Mom.

In a messy separation after a seemingly perfect marriage I found myself as a son between the front lines.

Here is my take:

Who did what is irrelevant in say 5 years.

Listen to both parties, but never share information beyond the obvious.

This can go on for a surprisingly long time, you might be in for a long haul.

Use it to get your morals straight. My wife knows exactly what "traits" I don't want to live out. It is a good ground for your own life, to differentiate your "heritage" in unmistakable terms.

Parents become childish at one time in a children's life anyways, such relationship matters tend to catalyse this. You will find yourself switching to "benevolent advice giver" by hinting at the obvious.

You'll be fine.

Absolute scumbags on this forum. Make these accusations based on a couple of paragraphs, and how do you think you have made this person feel.

post pics of the mistress so we can determine if it was worth it or not.

Mr. Pean wrote:

...

4) ...and I am not my father and can make my own decisions. ....

Yet here you are asking a group of people you don't even know how you're supposed to react?

You also say "which is less reprehensible ... in most people's opinion ..." ...

That might be a good place to be more concerned with "making your own decisions" and less with "most people's opinions".

Lastly .... Re-read Taway's excellent post.

The choice to engage in an affair was made by two consenting adults who knew the consequences of their actions. The primary issue(s) is/are between your father and mother. You sound like a well-adjusted adult that isn't torn by your father's actions, having realized from your life experiences that we are all flawed. Kudos to you for rising above the situation. How you choose to treat your parents in light of this revelation is up to you. There is no emotional template that can be exercised. If respect your father regardless and wish to maintain a relationship, then by all means do so. Ditto for your mother. There is no "appropriate reaction." Best Wishes.

"He was a great father"

Just let it go and live your life.

let's see here wrote:

4) IF I were you, I'd feel scared. That's what you should feel. Genetics are big in life and you likely are going to have the urge to cheat yourself. I'd hate to realize my own father was a cheater.

I'd be scared if I were you. Your dad must have been an asexual tool.

Give him a stone cold stunner,

then a rock bottom,

IF YAA SMMEEEEEEEEEEELALALALOW, WHAT THE ROCK.....IS COOKING ! And that's the bottom line.

There's nothing you can do, but accept that your father wasn't the man you thought he was. You're an adult now and live on your own, so its not like you have to live with your parents while this drama is happening. So just distance yourself from them.

Mr. Pean wrote:

I'm confused as to how I'm supposed to feel about this.

You don't HAVE to feel any one way. There's no answer and there's no right or wrong, not with you anyway. And there's no one way to feel that will both make you feel better and make your family's problems subside. Your parents have some issues to work on, both individually and in their relationship, which continues even if their marriage doesn't because they have you. You're an adult and can therefore provide perspective and guidance to your parents in their issues with themselves, with each other, with you, and with their future relationships. Be that guy. You're old enough that you can skip focusing on your own emotions when talking with them. If you need someone to talk to, see a shrink, but you can easily be above the mess or help fix it.

Hopefully that helps or at least balances out the juvenile letsrun replies.

You sound British. Just be glad it was with a woman. Move on.

It's unfortunate to say the least and I feel for you man. However, there's really nothing you can do about the situation and that sucks. Your dad will do what he does. You never know the type of marriage that was going on either. You have a certain side of the story. That marriage could have been abusive and horrible, you just don't know. Again, the situation sucks, but you have to find a way to move on.

Why would anyone post something requesting insightful emotional support in this forum? This would be one of the last places you should go. Maybe some self-examination of that fact may give you some insight into yourself and how you might better insulate yourself from similar unhealthy relationships like your parents have exhibited.

Why here?! wrote:

Why would anyone post something requesting insightful emotional support in this forum? This would be one of the last places you should go. Maybe some self-examination of that fact may give you some insight into yourself and how you might better insulate yourself from similar unhealthy relationships like your parents have exhibited.

Because often times an individual doesn't know what to do.

Self examination isn't the answer to every problem.

Mr. Pean wrote:

pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:

Let's pretend we can act like adults as adults around our adult parents. I'd let this one go because it amounts to poor boundaries.

This is what I was thinking. I don't want my dad in my sex life, so I don't intend to get into his. I actually think it was very wrong of my mom to make a point of sharing it with me in an attempt to demonize my dad. I'm not saying it's a good thing; just that it's not my business who my dad is sleeping with.

This is the correct answer. Leave it alone. Your mom showed something about her character in even telling you about this.

He's a stud. Congrats!

I find many of the replies astonishing and incredible. Seems a lot of people didn't read my OP very well. My parents have been divorced for 6 years, and it sounds like my dad slept with an old gf a few times only in the last 6 MONTHS. She was married, but the marriage was clearly not a happy one given her actions and the note her husband sent my dad.

I find it incredible that anyone would think ending a relationship with my father over this is anywhere near consideration. If you're someone who would end a relationship with your parents over something like this you're a pretty damn shetty person. This has literally zero effect on my life. And all people are human; that includes those who have children.

I appreciate the responses regardless. They've been very eye-opening as to how thoughtless, immature, and illiterate people on this forum are.

Your screen name is annoying