Go watch the movie Swingers. It covers this situation pretty well. Except you're not going to end up with a Heather Graham level hottie. Most likely someone less attractive.
Go watch the movie Swingers. It covers this situation pretty well. Except you're not going to end up with a Heather Graham level hottie. Most likely someone less attractive.
Um, don't break up in the first place numbnuts?
To summarize all the advice you have been given, it all comes down to:
grow the f up.
easy weeks wrote:
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care.
+1
f 12a,
One more piece of advice. Don't listen to the posters who want you beat yourself up about your mistreatment of your ex. You don't need to do that because you are already doing that too much.
She would have broken up with you at some point even if you didn't do that. Just to prove my point, would you have broken up with her if she went through your phone. You'd be mad but you care too much for her to break up over that. Right?
One of the reasons your thread got so many hits is that we all have been there. I was dumped by a girl in college who I was so head over heals over she was like a drug. Just being in her presence, her touch, her smell, everything was amazing when I was with her. I tried everything to get her back. After her I went through some lonely times, some nice shorter relationships but nothing like her. About a year and half later I met my real love and my current wife. The funny thing after I started dating my future wife, I got a nice long letter from this girl saying she wanted to get together. I wasn't interested in the least.
Boy am I glad she dumped me! It was tough at the time but it turned out very good.
And if you do some stupid and even some embarrassing things to get her back, its ok, its part of the process.
Conundrum wrote:
The funny thing after I started dating my future wife, I got a nice long letter from this girl saying she wanted to get together. I wasn't interested in the least.
Funny how they always show up once you've moved on with your life. Happens. Every. Damn. Time.
I always get Facebook friend requests from exes when their latest relationship or marriage fizzles.
The last paragraph best describes what I am going through at the moment. The girl I have been with for 2 years has been on an exchange semester and we have only had contact via Skype and Whatsapp between September and 2 weeks ago when she returned but since her return she wasn't really interested in me as much as her phone and constantly wrote one guy in particular.
They were BFFing themselves all the time and going into pretty damn emotional stuff. Its especially hurtful that she became so obsessed with him to kid about getting married and run away building a house together and even asked him for advice about our relationship. Of course that dude pretended to not pressure her and always mentioned to her that she shouldn't do a thing with me if she doesn't want/ that he wishes they can run away/ and that he is selfish and wants her.
I asked confronted her and said that I want her to stop texting him but she refused and just said she is gonna loose interest in him probably anyway soon and knows they never have a future together but still doesn't want to break it off. Long story short, she suggested to take a break since I will go on an exchange semester soon and hopes to clarify her feelings over that time.
I just don't know how to act now. She knows I love her so there is probably no point in telling her again. But I asked her to decide on some ground rules over the break what would be acceptable behavior and what not in order to even have a chance to get back together but since I asked she is more distanced and not texting me at all anymore. I resist the urge to write her but I just don't know what position I am in now. Never thought I needed to go primal on this issue but I guess I have to become alpha again, Any suggestions? :/
Dude, have some self respect and break up with her. She obviously doesn't care anymore, or apparently respect you at all. You shouldn't be thinking about trying to get back with her based on what you've said. It sucks, but just about everyone has to go through this kind of thing at some point. You don't have to make a big deal about it, either, just say "I don't think this is working out. See you around."
Not sure how old you are, but in all likelihood you will go through this at least a few times in your life. It is never easy, but as others have said, there are tons of other girls out there who are looking for a good guy. Just because this one didn't feel the same way about you as you did about her is not the end of the world. You can't force her to feel the magic if she is looking for something else in a guy than what you bring to the table.
Hopefully you will have the same experience I did: a spectacularly perfect girl who broke my heart in high school ended up marrying a "bad boy" type, dropped out of college, had 3 kids, got divorced, works as a waitress at Denney's at age 40, remarried to another loser, weighs 180 pounds and looks 15 years older than she actually is. Meanwhile I am still in good shape and have a great job and married someone I probably wouldn't have even looked at in high school but who was literally a late bloomer in her mid-20s. Saw the "ex" at a reunion recently, she was all flirty...I couldn't stop laughing.
Freelove wrote:
Dude, have some self respect and break up with her. She obviously doesn't care anymore, or apparently respect you at all. You shouldn't be thinking about trying to get back with her based on what you've said. It sucks, but just about everyone has to go through this kind of thing at some point. You don't have to make a big deal about it, either, just say "I don't think this is working out. See you around."
+10
Don't hang around with her treating you like that.
Umm...what about Oscar Pistorius?
whoknew wrote:
I just don't know how to act now. She knows I love her so there is probably no point in telling her again. But I asked her to decide on some ground rules over the break what would be acceptable behavior and what not in order to even have a chance to get back together but since I asked she is more distanced and not texting me at all anymore. I resist the urge to write her but I just don't know what position I am in now. Never thought I needed to go primal on this issue but I guess I have to become alpha again, Any suggestions? :/
I'm confused. whoknew are you f 12a?
Regardless, I'll join the chorus. f 12, if you've apologized and told her that you want to be together, then, you've done the only positive things you can do. Everything else you might do is repetitive or negative. So, do your best to disappear. And don't worry about her forgetting you or moving on or whatever. You're young, so, you don't have experience with this, but, take it from me, an old geezer: With the exception of a few one night drunken hook ups, I remember everybody I've been with, and, in particular, all of the people I was in 'relationships' with. I still think about them from time to time. I'm a guy, but this is true for women, too. The situation in my own life most similar to yours now happened 20 years ago. She ended up marrying the dude she left me for, and moved to Australia. A couple of years ago, out of the blue, I got a friend request from her on fb. No, we're not going to be together, but she's thought about me all this time.
My point is this: She will always remember you, and, if she wants to, and has the courage, she will make a move to get back with you. If she doesn't make that move, then, she doesn't want to and there's nothing you can or should do. After all, you were with her for all that time, so she knows you. There's nothing you can do - in the short term - to convince her that you're someone else. In any case do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Believe me, you don't. I am and, as anyone else who is will tell you, it's hell.
Date. Have nearly meaningless sex. It gets better, easier. I promise.
Warm, steady disinterest, and periodic hot, smart dates. But be careful. You might actually get over your longing.
You're more concerned with the guy she's been chatting with, then you are for her and your relationship together, and you moved out because of some guy on the internet.
Personally I wouldn't have bothered with it. You were with her, and free to do your own thing, so I see no issue with that, and by the way you were free to contact other women and chat with them. The only issue was your infidelity in focusing more on some random dude, then you were being supportive with her, and doing the things in your own personal life. Why was some random guy who you don't even know, so important to you. You need to get your own life.
whoknew wrote:
I'm confused. whoknew are you f 12a?Hi Link, I am not f 12a. I just stumbled upon that page. Not even sure how since I usually prefer to read rather than write.
I haven't spied on her directly either, so nothing I can beat myself up with.
However, I feel like I know very well the way she behaves. After a few days of picking her up from the airport, I first thought she has to adjust to her new "old" life with all the people she used to know, including myself. Especially since I know she really enjoyed the US university and is kind of bummed out by the small town life and "boring" people here.
So I tried to be supportive even though I felt jealous she was spending so much time on Whatsapp. I have to admit that after 5 days, I was getting worried and picked up some of the things she wrote about with that Dude. I didn't touch her phone but if I catch a glimpse when she writes next to me I can hardly hold myself back.
I mean, I am not stupid enough to not notice how her behavior has changed. So basically since she returned, she was showing me the cold shoulder, although sometimes trying to make me feel good and trying to take a step towards me.
I feel like I could see her inner conflict. Currently, I am worth too much to give up but at the same tim not enough to try harder. At least that's the vibe I got.
But thanks for your input.
First off, you are aware that she was sleeping with him correct? She obviously would rather be with him, but understands that it is not really feasible. You are probably a good guy and more than anything, she does not want to be alone so she is sticking with you only because you are better than no one. Once she finds somebody else here (will probably happen while you are abroad), she will no longer have to worry about being alone and you will be even more expendable than you already are.
Invading her privacy = invading her privates?