Hi
I'm new here, but I've been dealing with sexual frustrations in my marriage for quite some time now. (Sorry, kind of a long read i guess)
My wife and I have been married 3 years this May. We've been living together almost 5 years now. I am 29, and she's 31.
Before we moved in together, we'd see each other only on the weekends. School/work/distance really kept us occupied during the week. We would have sex very often in those 2 days. I completely understood that upon moving in together, the sex frequency would decline. It's a given. But I didn't think it'd be this bad, plus, it's more than just the frequency.
For the last 2 years I'd say, our sex life has been bad. I honestly cannot remember the last time she wanted to have sex with me. I am always the initiator. Always. When we do have sex, however, its great. I last a long time. We both are very very satisfied afterwards. But let's say I ask for sex on Tuesday, I get the "not tonight", or "tomorrow" and the procrastination continues for 4-5 days until she's ready, or until she gets her period and I have no choice but to wait more days. Sometimes it feels like she deliberately waited until she got her period because it gives her an excuse for declining. It makes me feel like sex is a tedious chore to her. There was one point where I didn't ask her at all to see how far it would go, and it went 4 months until we spoke about it.
I've tried every method. I tried being dirty, role playing, seductive, romantic, sweet, sexting to outright saying "can we have sex tonight?" Every other aspect of our relationship is wonderful. We laugh, we joke, we fight, I cook, she cooks, she watches football and basketball because I do, and I watch American Idol and Glee with her. I'm an early riser, she sleeps in, I make her breakfast on days off. We respect each other.
About a year ago, I decided to keep a log on when we had sex. Not counting oral sex. From March '11 to March '12, it totaled 18 times. Averages to 1.5 times a month.
One day I was looking under the bed for something I lost and found a dildo. She happened to be sitting right there. I was kind of upset, not that she's pleasuring herself, but more so that it's such a struggle to get her to have sex with me and she's masturbating anyway and getting pleasure there.
About a month and a half before my log concluded, I went on a "no ask for sex" run to see if she would ask me or initiate anything. Not to my surprise, she didn't. I sat her down and we spoke about the issue at hand, and she was surprised at how little we had sex for that year, and how long it's been since we had sex the last time. We discussed everything, and she was definitely aware it was an issue, but not that it was that severe. (for the record, this was definitely not the first conversation we've had about this).
We spoke about it and she really vowed to make an effort to work on that part of our relationship. I told her I'm not asking for sex every single night, but I don't think 1.5x a month is healthy, and on top of that, she never seems to want it enough to ask me. I told her either she doesn't find me attractive anymore, or she's getting it from someone else. My wife is faithful to me, as I am to her, and we both know that, but I said if someone were just reading the facts, they'd likely conclude that she is cheating on me. She is a young healthy woman. I also said that I never cheated on you nor will I ever, but I can understand why a man could.
I was under the impression that she would make an effort in the past 5-6 weeks since we had this talk, but I believe it's gotten worse now!! Still, she hasn't shown any interest, we had sex 3 times since then, just about average. But now, instead of great, lengthy sex, she just pulls her pants down, doesn't even face me, and we have a quickie in the spooning position. No foreplay whatsoever anymore. Doesn't even take her shirt off. I had to really focus on staying aroused and finishing, that's how boring it was.
So I'm at a point now, I've spoken to her multiple times, tried every method to arouse her, and not offering her doesn't seem to make her want it anymore either. And on top of that, I can't even look at a pretty celebrity on a magazine cover without her making a comment or getting jealous. Just the other day I saw a girl in the street that looked like an actress on a TV show we watch together. I mentioned it and she got upset and jealous because she knows I think the actress is pretty, therefore, I found the girl on the street pretty as well. She made a big deal out of it.
So this is my dilemma, I have no idea how to approach this otherwise. Anyone??