Survey: How many of you married men or women have/ had affairs?

belief won't make it real.

It's nice sentiment but trying to suggest cheating has led to single motherhood and all social ills is absolute silliness.

You start with a premise you "know" is right (cheating is wrong, marriages are not to allow other sexual partners) and then you decide every moral ill is caused by it and that everything would be perfect if we followed it.

I disagree with the premise. I think that cornering people into a lifetime "sentence" of one sex partner is the cause of many the problems in relationships we have because it defies what most humans really want and they eventually get what they really want.

And I find many making the following false argument:

1) Valuable things are difficult to achieve.

2) Monogamy is difficult.

3) Thus, monogamy is valuable.

The problem with the argument is that everything that is difficult is not worth having. So perhaps monogamy is tough but that does not make it worth having. Kinda like hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. It's hard to do but that does not make it valuable.

bigger picture wrote:

Marriage vows do not always include the stupid promise to never touch another person. Good vows include agreeing that your partner's happiness and independence is a priority of yours.

So everyone I know is pretty clear on my word and honesty. Unlike most people I can foresee that making promises that make us miserable are the one's best left out.

The people you should really worry about the ones who promise to be always faithful. They are liars about half the time and then have to pretend they didn't do it because they made a vows that goes against their biology. So they get to live a lie.

Sweet Lord. If you are fine with your wife getting pounded by other guys there is something wrong with you. I mean talk about going against your biology...

I don't understand a lot of what this thread is about.

If you and your partner have decided that a sexually open relationship is fine between you guys, then do it.

If you know it would break your partner, than don't do it, or get out.

Easy. Simple. Why so hard? Why all the rationalizations (for both sides)?

zip zero nada wrote:

I don't understand a lot of what this thread is about.

If you and your partner have decided that a sexually open relationship is fine between you guys, then do it.

If you know it would break your partner, than don't do it, or get out.

Easy. Simple. Why so hard? Why all the rationalizations (for both sides)?

Exactly. The issue isn't about sex. It's about deceit. That's why they call it cheating!

jamaicanmecrazy wrote:

Sweet Lord. If you are fine with your wife getting pounded by other guys there is something wrong with you. I mean talk about going against your biology...

First, you should study biology a bit. Look at our closest relatives, bonobos. That would be a good first start.

Second, you put too much importance on the sex act. It's not that big a deal. Do you feel that marriage entitles you to controlling your partner's genitals? I don't. My wife is not my prisoner. She is an independent individual who is not a prisoner of the relationship in any sense, emotionally or physically. Why is a good thing to take away someone's freedom to enjoy their life under the guise of commitment?

I do agree with others that is smart to establish the guidelines before you marry. It makes honesty easier. That said, relationships are tricky things and we should be cautious about judging others. You usually find at a later date that probably shouldn't have been so judgmental.

Oh wow. This thread is making me want to throw up. Everyone has these ridiculous opinions and I can't seem to escape them.

These posts are enough to push someone over the edge. For your all's sake, I hope you don't turn me into a radical. Of course then again, in my opinion, maybe there's nothing wrong with murder? We have 7 billion people -- I don't think anyone would miss a few that I don't like.

Hmm... everyone argues on the internet, hoping for someone who is against them to convert to their view, but no one ever gets it. Humans are a strange bunch.

Had a brief affair with a 19 year old girl when I was 29 and married with kids. I later regretted it and told my wife, and we have moved on.

whoops wrote:

Had a brief affair with a 19 year old girl when I was 29 and married with kids. I later regretted it and told my wife, and we have moved on.

how long did it take to get over? what was the process?

Your views on this are mature and sensible and thus totally unsuited for letsrun.

bigger picture wrote:

First, you should study biology a bit. Look at our closest relatives, bonobos. That would be a good first start.

Second, you put too much importance on the sex act. It's not that big a deal. Do you feel that marriage entitles you to controlling your partner's genitals? I don't. My wife is not my prisoner. She is an independent individual who is not a prisoner of the relationship in any sense, emotionally or physically. Why is a good thing to take away someone's freedom to enjoy their life under the guise of commitment?

I do agree with others that is smart to establish the guidelines before you marry. It makes honesty easier. That said, relationships are tricky things and we should be cautious about judging others. You usually find at a later date that probably shouldn't have been so judgmental.

Out-of-Wedlock-Danny wrote:

how long did it take to get over? what was the process?

The whole thing went surprisingly well. I informed my wife more than two years after the affair ended, so it wasn't nearly as rough as it would have been if she had found out while it was going on. Our lives and relationship had improved by then, so the "process" was already behind us.

Honestly, I am not sure. It wasn't just a one time thing. It was an ongoing affair, and my dad had no intentions of stopping to make things better...to the best of my knowledge.

We come from a pretty religious background and therefor a tight network of individuals that view this as essentially the worst thing you can do next to murdering an individual/abusing an individual. I agree with you that it probably would have been a better situation if my mom would have just rolled with it, but, my dad didn't have to do it in the first place.

bigger picture wrote:

Product of... wrote:

Imagine if he just, for that split second, would have changed his mind not to cheat. My whole family would have been spared decades of hardship.

Imagine for just a second if your mom and the community you lived in decided that a simple sex act is not worth crucifying a man over, and thus leading to ruining a family over. What's worse? A ruined family or great family with a dad who had sex with someone else?

This is obviously meant for the post above. I forgot to quote it.

To those who do not believe me, whatever. Thats ok. My father's affair didn't take us completely off the tracks, but it did set us really behind. It took two of my siblings a while to get off drugs, and one is still on them. I kicked all of my addictions, Im married and am finishing up a masters degree this semester.

It has made life very difficult, but outside of me throwing up this "poor me" story (hate to admit it, but it is just that), I grew up REALLY fast, learned a lot and I appreciate all that I currently have, even if it is modest.

There are people in the world that have it much worse than I do or ever did.

Somebody said it a few pages ago but the big thing that boils my blood is when people cheat and don't regret it or care. It really pisses me off to be honest. If a friend of mine tells me he cheated on his wife and he feels god awful about it I pretty much understand. Now if a friend cheats time and time again and acts like he's somehow cool because of it I get pissed of.

It's simple. Don't get married if you want to pork random people. If you get married and then realize you can't go without some strange get a divorce and dig in like it's thanksgiving dinner. The only other reasonable option is to find someone who doesn't mind a open marriage. It seems like 9 times out of 10 a open marriage would present way to many problems for it to be healthy and last though. Maybe I'm wrong? Would be interesting to hear from somebody who is married, porks random chicks and is okay with his wife spreading them for random dudes. Anybody?

bigger picture wrote:

Product of... wrote:

Imagine if he just, for that split second, would have changed his mind not to cheat. My whole family would have been spared decades of hardship.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Imagine for just a second if your mom and the community you lived in decided that a simple sex act is not worth crucifying a man over, and thus leading to ruining a family over. What's worse? A ruined family or great family with a dad who had sex with someone else?

You've got to draw the line somewhere though. It's not about one sex act. It's about broken trust in my opinion. Would it have been better for his mother to carry on in a contaminated marriage where she didn't find any happiness and was constantly worried about what her husband was doing? I don't know. Obviously, that is a difficult situation. It's more than about one or two busted nuts though. It's about how those busted nuts contaminate all kinds of things in a marriage. If people don't want to play by the rules of marriage they simply should never get married.

It is funny how our lives revolve around sticking a piece of meat that hangs off our bodies into a moist hole. We're all programed in mysterious ways.

hear me out here wrote:

It is funny how our lives revolve around sticking a piece of meat that hangs off our bodies into a moist hole. We're all programed in mysterious ways.

We are programmed in mysterious ways. Only God is more mysterious than sex.

There is a connection there on many levels, but it is via sex that life is created. Sex is a mystical experience that can produce new life. How deeply it must be wired in our biology and psychology. It must reside close to the core of our being - our soul.

When we marry, we are pledging our body, soul, and mind to our spouse. They are inseparable.

If I found out my wife was cheating on me, my world would be off its hinges. I've been married for 24 years and if I cheated on my wife, I would hate myself for it in a way that would be very destructive to my own well being.

Marriage is a very big step - don't take it if you aren't up to it.

la la land wrote:

We are programmed in mysterious ways. Only God is more mysterious than sex.

Neither of these is at all mysterious.