From 18-24 I was basically the worst human being I know when drunk.
- Sunday morning, a friend calls me and tells me to meet him at a bar on the other side of town. I drive over, we start drinking to appease the pain of his girlfriend breaking up with him. Start with beer, ending with shots. I drive home at 4 pm that afternoon, broad daylight, blackout drunk. Could've killed myself or someone else, instead I woke up later that night on the floor of my apartment just fine, aside from some grass stains on my pants.
- In college, just got tanked one night. Don't even know off of what. We come back to the courtyard of our dorm and there's a huge reception tent. I decide to go up to my dorm room, grab a knife, and cut the tent down. Once it's down, I try to cut the canvas in half to try to steal it. It doesn't work, this thing is the size of a one-car garage. I wake up in the morning with a vague recollection of what happened, and the sight of the tent destroyed in the courtyard. Knowing so many people saw it happen, I confess to the misdeed. I go before a committee and only get a slap on the wrist, and proceed to pay back $4,000 over the next few years. I'm so stupid.
- Walking down the street my friend and I started kicking side mirrors off of cars. Why? Because we are jackasses, no other reason.
- Trying to steal food from a vending machine, my friend and I knocked it over. The metal edge sliced through my hand, and we had to go to the emergency room for stitches. 2 in morning, stinking drunk, and who works on me? Dr. Beers, that's his real name. He did a fine job too.
- Stole several parking meters in my time. The secret is to find one that is already partly loose, then just throw your body weight against it from every direction. From there, throw in over your shoulders like you're doing squats. The ballsy part is walking through the front door of your dorm, but booze takes care of that.
- Hooked up with many chicks, often without a condom.
- Got in a bar fight that spilled out into the street.
- After the first final of the year, started drinking at 1 pm. By 3 pm I was blacked out drunk and stumbled into what I thought was my dorm room to pass out. I woked up when some poor female was calling the cops to report a trespasser in her room. I stumbled out, then came back to apologize. The cops got me and gave me the choice of going to jail or the hospital to sober up. I chose the hospital.
- Another time, it's 11 pm and the bars close at 2 pm. My roommate and I aren't sure if we're going to go out, so we decide to take a drink of every type of alcohol in the apartment then decide. That's one shot each of vodka, tequila, rum, whiskey, three different beers and I don't remember what else. One hour later, at midnight, we walk down to a local bar and are obnoxious. On the way home we attempt to steal a sign out of the street. A neighbor yells out her window for us to stop. I yell at her "No!" and we continue. We almost have it out when a cop car pulls up. I yell "Run!" and take off in one direction, my friend in the other. I end up diving under a car to hide and turn off my cell phone. My friend gets stopped by the cops but is only given a warning. I still have the scar on my chin from diving under the car.
Amazingly, a few years of adult responsibility and a good woman can do wonders for one's maturity. I escaped with no criminal record, no permanent bodily harm, no STD's, no one else got hurt. Earned my degree. I still feel guilty about damaging other people's property.