Married 14 years. Read the thread but wasn't going to add to it becasue my story has been told several times already.
Here's the timeline:
Pre - 3-4 times per week
Yr 1 - 3-4 times per week
Yr 2 - Kid #1, 1-2 times per week
Yr 3 - 1-2 times per week
Yr 4 - Kid #2, 1 time every two weeks
Yr 5 - 1-2 times per month
Yr 6 through 9 - once per month
Yr 10 through 14 - once per quarter
Happily married. Kids are wonderful. Just not happily satisfied in the sex category. Would NOT trade her in for the world. She's fit, goes to the gym daily, rides, swims, etc. Just doesn't like sex.
At this stage, I see this as an issue I'm trying to get over; not a wife issue. Mainly because I do NOT see it getting any better; oly worse. She plainly does not enjoy sex. I do.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Brit Detector
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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My dear, you are in denial.
You are not being real.
In the very same post you refer to your husband as your soul mate and yet can't ask him for sex because of crushing rejection. He also invokes self-pity and says he doesn't deserve you around.
What you describe it light-years away from being soul mates. You have have one life to live. Don't waste it on a hopeless situation. If you husband loved you deeply enough, he would cater to your sexual needs even if he felt no desire.
Are you sure he is not more in love with the computer screen and his hand? You run, right? How do you know what he is doing when you are out. This is far more a common scenario than many would believe.
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Abused women frequently put up with abuse because they just know their husband will change, and that they can save him. Nearly 100% of the time is it a delusion.
As a last gasp effort, I would suggest getting him to go to a medical doctor. With sexual dysfunction, this should always be the first approach. Always check the physical first. If he has super low testosterone that could kill his desire. But even if he has super low desire, he would meet your needs with some practical frequency and would enjoy being close to you physically, even if not sexually arounsed. This is to be human. Don't go down with a sinking ship and live your one life in a state of unrequited intimacy.
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I have been married for ten years and have 3 kids. My wife and I have sex 3 to 4 times a week (I could go for 10 times a week if she wanted, but I realize I have it pretty good). The first 7 years of our marriage it was probably 2 times a week and the first 2 years she climaxed one every 3 months. Now she climaxes any time she wants and can do so without any genital contact (wish I could do that!).
So, the sexual pattern in my marriage is opposite of most. My wife clearly has some sexual dysfunction early on. As she has matured and become more comfortable with her sexuality and is individuating as a person, her libido has increased to my great happiness.
Things I know that make her want me: 1) I am kind a positive, 2) I am confident and kick ass in all that I do 3) I treat our children lovingly and kick their butts when they get out of line (professional sheep-dog) 4) I am a full player on the family team--we do dishes and other chores together 5) I ask her what she wants during sex and give it.
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Sex is a huge part of marriage and I would not be happy in one without it. If I was in a sexless marriage and had patiently explored solutions to no avail (over a period of years--not weeks or months), I would not stay in the relationship. Some problems can't be solved and fear of guilt shouldn't keep you from seeking a healthy, whole relationship. You have one life to live, be realistic, but make it the one of your dreams. Its not really difficult for a woman to find a man who is sexualy interested in her, just find one who is BOTH sexually interested and in love with you as a person. If either one is missing, you will lack fulfillment.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Dr. Phil
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Interesting and thought provoking. Thanks. When I was reading all the posts about men who can't get it from their wives, I thought if I was in that situation, as the woman, I would just compromise and give my husband what he needed within reason, so that we could both be happy. Even more so now that I know how painful this kind of rejection can be. I just thought it was different for a man, because if a man isn't in the mood, then he can't do it. Maybe I am in denial, although you have to admit there are plenty of guys here who love their wives, aren't satisfied but would never leave - an interesting phenomenon. BTW he's a runner too, but not as into it as I am - a hobby jogger.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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I can only WISH I were 15. Man, those were the days.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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After wading through most of these posts I am curious: what percentage of the folks in these sexless/not enough sex marriages have children? What about those of you who are married and have no children? Can you report on how willing your spouse is for sex?
It appears that having kids is a major sex killer. Or at least a massive contributing cause.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Jizzmo
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I think she meant emotionally, not physically
Jizzmo wrote:
I can only WISH I were 15. Man, those were the days.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to just a guess
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Guilty as charged.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Brit Detector
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Read the post again. VERY slooooooooowly.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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Sexless, correct me if I am wrong, but reading the above you stated that you were only having sex once a month when you got married (at age 22)...is this correct? If so, wasn't that a huge warning sign? What age is he? Others are correct, it can be only 3 things: 1)low testosterone 2)gay 3)molestation in youth.
sexlessrunningchica wrote:
Not true. I am 28 female, married for 6 years and my husband is the one with the low/non-existent sex drive. Since we have been married it has gone from once a month (always I was the one to ask) to less than that (b/c I can't stand the rejection anymore so I don't ask). I crave physical intimacy badly. I am in love with my husband, and he is in love with me. In every other way we are perfect. I haven't changed physically since before we were married, and the sex was fabulous then. He says he doesn't deserve me staying around, and worries that I will stray. I am torn: do I leave my best friend and soul mate to find physical intimacy while I am still young and attractive enough to make a new start or do I stay with a wonderful relationship in the realization that nothing is perfect? It's just as hard for a woman in this situation as it is for a man.
One thing it can't be is boredom with you. That is the way it is with all the married guys posting - boredom with you.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to desert rodent
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You are right, but we were already married by then. Plus his Dad died soon after so I cut him some slack for a few months. When things didn't get better we tried a few different things over the years, but to little or no avail.
I am beginning to realize my situation is very unusual and seemingly hopeless. This sucks! Maybe I will up my mileage.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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Well done for setting the feminist movement back several decades.
sexlessrunningchica wrote:
When I was reading all the posts about men who can't get it from their wives, I thought if I was in that situation, as the woman, I would just compromise and give my husband what he needed
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sherunner
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Women like you are responsible for confounding female self awareness regarding sexuality. Having sex with a spouse, male or female, when not in the mood is not by default consigning oneself to the status of "sex toy." In a loving, equal relationship, both spouses respect each others needs and desires. Sometimes that means not asking for sex when you are the one with the higher libido, other times it is a willingness to make love in the absence of desire for sex to sate a partners natural needs.
My wife can say "no" to me. I respect it. If up to it, at times when sex is not high on her priority list, she will say say because she loves me and seeks to fulfill my needs. She is not my toy. She is my wife and lover. We give and take.
This dignifies both me as a man and her as a woman. She is secure enough in her womanhood that she does not need to pull any sexual powerplays in the name of bullshit feminism. She also know sexual ecstasy and what her female body and mind are capable of.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Dr. Phil
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My wife and I will be married 26 years in May. Our sexual pattern has followed a similar pattern to that of the good Dr. When we were first married we probably had sex 2 or 3 times a month. Over the years....and this was a very slow process which has really accelerated over the past 10 years...the frequency and intensity of our sex life has intensified magnamimously. We have three children and there was a bit of a slowdown after our 3rd child was born. My suspicion was that there was either something physical that occurred during the birth of our youngest or she was so tired from having 3 children in diapers that she had less interest, entirely, in me. Once the kids got a little more mobile and into school...which happened about 10 years ago...she came back with a vengeance. We're both more comfortable with each other, talk about sex and simply touch more during the day. Since we're more comfortable with talking about sex with each other we've tried a lot of things to keep things fresh. I think we both got to the point where we finally realized that no one other than us was ever going to know about it but us so why be embarrassed.
Dr. Phil wrote:
I have been married for ten years and have 3 kids. My wife and I have sex 3 to 4 times a week (I could go for 10 times a week if she wanted, but I realize I have it pretty good). The first 7 years of our marriage it was probably 2 times a week and the first 2 years she climaxed one every 3 months. Now she climaxes any time she wants and can do so without any genital contact (wish I could do that!).
So, the sexual pattern in my marriage is opposite of most. My wife clearly has some sexual dysfunction early on. As she has matured and become more comfortable with her sexuality and is individuating as a person, her libido has increased to my great happiness.
Things I know that make her want me: 1) I am kind a positive, 2) I am confident and kick ass in all that I do 3) I treat our children lovingly and kick their butts when they get out of line (professional sheep-dog) 4) I am a full player on the family team--we do dishes and other chores together 5) I ask her what she wants during sex and give it.
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Sex is a huge part of marriage and I would not be happy in one without it. If I was in a sexless marriage and had patiently explored solutions to no avail (over a period of years--not weeks or months), I would not stay in the relationship. Some problems can't be solved and fear of guilt shouldn't keep you from seeking a healthy, whole relationship. You have one life to live, be realistic, but make it the one of your dreams. Its not really difficult for a woman to find a man who is sexualy interested in her, just find one who is BOTH sexually interested and in love with you as a person. If either one is missing, you will lack fulfillment.
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To the woman with the low libidoed husband. There's something wrong. It's as simple as that. I won't get into whether it's emotional, physical or a combo of both but something is wrong and it should be looked into.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sherunner
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What is it about reality, that every time it rears its ugly head the feminist movement gets set back 20, 30, 40 years?
sherunner wrote:sexlessrunningchica wrote:
Well done for setting the feminist movement back several decades.
When I was reading all the posts about men who can't get it from their wives, I thought if I was in that situation, as the woman, I would just compromise and give my husband what he needed
Life is about compromise, I guess feminism is not, good luck with all that.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to alpha
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Just a thought - are you guys lousy in bed? Not meant as a knock, but maybe if you improved the experience for the lady, they would be more apt to get down on it.
I don't want to get into a whole realm of sex tips and advice here but do you really know what you're doing?
I used to think I did, then I got with an honest girl who wasn't about to fake anything to make me feel better. We worked on sex (actually practiced), and now I'm much better. Go out and read a book, try some of the things, you never know.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to and two pennies
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You are obviously not married...
None of the people on here are really complaining about their wives as girlfriends...
All women (at least most) are great in bed until you get married...
If you marry this girl you'll understand what everyone is talking about...until then you really have no idea....
I always ignored all the negative comments about women and sex saying it would never happen to me...when I got married I found out how wrong I was...
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to Your funny
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(1) Who here gets laid more/less often than they run?
(2) Whose shortest weekly run is typically longer than their longest session of intercourse?
(3) Who here goes "anaerobic" during sex -- i.e., exercising at an intensity where it is impossible to simultaneously carry on a conversation?
(4) Who here does training drills that make their legs shake harder than any intercourse done vertically?
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to and two pennies
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My sex life is fantastic, after many years and 3 kids my lovely wife is as ORGASMIC as ever (seriously, I couldn't even begin to describe it here). At 43 and 35, with 3 kids, we are lucky to get 4-5 good sessions (+ 4-5 quickies) a month, but I'm definately not complaining.
Never read any "self help" books on the subject, and by that standard I may "not" know what I'm doing. But judging from our ongoing love and affection, lively conversation/debate, explosive and time consuming sessions, I must be doing something right.
You're onto something with the practice thing, love that one.
something about those long runs...
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to sexlessrunningchica
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Seriously, sexless, check your husband's computer.
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- RE: Post-nuptial shutoff? - in reply to and two pennies
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I think if you read through the posts you'll see that most everyone started out getting it plenty, then it went down hill.
Wait till you are married and come back and re-read this thread.
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