Anyone every moved parents into assisted living place?

1. Just pick one you can afford.

2. Probably

3. They just sit around anyway and wait to die

4. Probably enough help, so that they don't get sued.

So sorry you have to do this. I also did about 5 years ago.

1. I visited a few with my mother who was at the "beginning" stages of dementia, among other things. She chose the one she ended up moving into. Unfortunately her dementia quickly got worse and she couldn't take advantage of what it offered.

2. You're gonna get ripped off. They're always adding on fees

3. Hopefully they have activities during the day to keep them active and out of their Apts. Art classes, exercise classes, book talks, board games... Staff often take residents on outings.

4. Help is as needed. If you need more help you'll have to pay for more. I actually paid for an aide for a few hours a day a few days a week to spend time with my mother. I also had to pay more as she needed more care. Yes it will be a rip off but unless you can keep em at their home and pay for 24 hour help or have em move in with you what's the alternative?

I've recently dealt with this with my grandparents. My grandmother went to an assisted living facility for rehab (broke her tailbone after a fall at home) while also having dimentia. We tried to get her into a really nice facility but she never made it. My family currently has a lawsuit against the first facility.

My grandfather luckily made it to that nice facility. Started out with his own "apartment" but is now in the memory care unit.

We toured multiple facilities before we picked the one we thought was the best. It also happened to the the most expensive. Just with a lot of things, you get what you pay for. The ones that cost more will usually have a staff that is making more money which typically means more attentive, caring, and experienced staff. They also have more resources like weekly transportation to medical offices, into town for activities, etc...

It all comes down to what you can afford and the quality of life you want for you parents for their final years.

Tough times for sure. No facility will ever be perfect. You will experience frustration and at times anger over even the best facilities. They are governed and controlled by state laws and regulations. Most are concerned with pleasing government bodies vs families. Just a fact. Best of luck, God Bless you and your family as you navigate these difficult times.

A family member has a chronic neurological condition and got pretty sick a couple of years ago. After he was discharged from the hospital he went to a nursing home. This was a decent nursing home, but he was a fall risk who didn't know not to get up. I ended up staying with him nights there and for part of the day. It gave me a whole different perspective on those places. My advice is to do what you can to keep your relative out of there. It may be possible if you get creative. At-home care, family members helping (and taking turns helping), etc. can make this possible. If enough people help with time or money and/or if there are enough benefits available (LTCI, VA or other government disability, etc.) it can become affordable.

There are some good, dedicated people at assisted living places and nursing homes who do a tough job and somehow aren't paid very much. In a major metropolitan area, even the good places were having problems with staffing shortages. It turns out that if an entire generation creates false prosperity for themselves by not having many kids that the piper eventually is paid. Do your research based on current reviews. More expensive or nicer looking does not always equal better. Visit in person. If you notice things like the odor of urine that is a warning flag. I also had a kind nurse recommend visiting unannounced at different hours if a loved one is in one of those places.

There are also bad employees. At the nursing home where I was allowed to stay at night, the employees would yell down the hallway to each other. Old people are also people, and no one would like to try to sleep like that. Hitting the help button for help to go to the bathroom can take 20 minutes or more. It's not what I expected at all.

In the hospital (a very good hospital) some of the employees were mocking a patient who was delusional. I recounted this story to a caregiver who said that she visited her mother in a hospital. Her mother had a skin condition and was crying when she got there. She asked her why she was crying and she told her that the nurses had been making fun of her peeling skin. There are some bad, uncaring people out there. You have to be your relative's own advocate. God be with you!

p.s. Yes, you will be appalled at how much everything costs.

pretty accurate… I work for a nonprofit organization that supports assisted living and nursing homes… each State has different regulations and requirements that must be followed or the homes are at risk of losing funding… in most States, assisted living is not nursing care, it is in the hospitality and lodging sector… find one that is nearby so you can visit often, consider what your loved one needs and what they don’t, that will help with costs so you aren’t paying for something they don’t need or won’t use… get to know the staff… it certainly is not an easy step for many people … the first bit can be difficult but once they settle in they will find friends to engage with and begin to love it…

A couple of other things. State laws can be weird. Our state does not allow restraints. Some places interpreted this as no bed alarm! So, if a patient has dementia and is a fall risk some places interpret this law as not even allowing a bed alarm (let alone bed rails or an enclosed bed). Crazy.

As a Catholic, the ability for a dying person to receive Last Rites (a sacrament, also known as Sacrament of the Sick) is very important. I made sure to ask that if there was, God forbid, another COVID type situation whether or not they would allow a priest in to administer Sacrament of the Sick. I also asked whether family would be allowed in if another COVID type situation occurred. Ask questions!

I truly appreciate the replies here. Very helpful. Thanks!

I've been involved with this twice. It's not about the amenities. It's the quality of the staff and the other patients your parents will be around.

I can't speak directly on assisted living, but assisted living is a stepping stone into nursing homes so my advice will be on nursing homes.

One tip is to talk to pastors in the immediate area. They visit nursing homes on a regular basis and are in a good position to give you advice on what they see. They probably won't speak badly of any facility, but they will probably speak more favorably on the facilities that seem to provide the highest quality of care.

Oh, one other point, the best facilities are full and only have a vacancy when someone dies or moves permanently to another level of care. We determined the best local facility and put my mom on a waiting list long before she actually moved in. We turned down 2-3 opportunities to move in before she actually moved in. That way, she was able to get a choice of the room she wanted and postpone the move until she agreed that it was necessary.

Another point. You don't want your parents on the same floor or sharing meals with the Alzheimer's patients. There's no polite way to put it. Some of these patients are crazy. They scream or cry or babble. It's not an environment you want to spend any time in.

OP, do they need an assisted living facility or are they capable of an independent living facility? There are grey areas for sure. I work in both, and the resident’s and families are never told the difference. Independent living facilities can be cheaper as they still can have access to caregivers .

Moved my mother into an assisted living community a couple years ago, last month I had to move her into memory care. Do your research, visit the places and talk to people. There's a lot of nice places where they will be well taken care of. I make a point of getting to know the staff and having a good relationship with them, they see your folks every day and can let you know of any problems they might be having that you might not catch if you only see them once a week . Good luck.

Millennials at 35: "I need someone to take care of me, so I'm living with mom and dad."

Millennials at 40: "Mom and dad need someone to take care of them, so I'm shipping them off to the nursing home."

As someone very involved in aspects of care for the elderly and also dealing with some personal experiences involving same....you win the SKOSSY award this evening.

You have our congratulations!

When I reach that stage where I almost can't live independently I plan to stop eating. It should not last more than 40 days. It will be easy to deal with my bag-of-bones body.

That doesn't help the OP much though. My M-I-L is doing great in an assisted care center considering her physical condition. She is totally with it, unlike any US presidential candidate we have seen lately. It's a very nice place. The staff is enabled to go all out on holidays and birthdays and whatnot. Her apartment is about 1000 square feet with a balcony to a courtyard.

She has always been a loner, but pleasant with regular human interactions too. She's very fond of herself. She has plenty of money for the cost of the home and it's all paid for by long-term health coverage when she can't do a list of three self-care items independently. Can't say that money and pre-planning, and the individual wholly preferring that living situation, compared to say living with family, don't have something to do with success.

In other societies, old people are surrounded by family not some paid strangers who often abuse and neglect the elderly. Don't do this to your loved ones.

I'm pretty sure its assisted living they need. They can't manage a household any more, for various reasons.

I agree with everything that you said. Both of my parents ended up in different ones — my Dad for memory care and then my Mom for assisted living when she had a cancer recurrence and was given 6 months to 2 years to live. They are super expensive but, at the same time, the staff is criminally underpaid. The staff at my Dad’s memory care place seemed a lot nicer and attentive than at my Mom’s assisted living place.

Already mentioned that ACF’s (Adult Care Facilities) are regulated
by each state. There are discussions that this industry will eventually have
federal oversight. There are four distinct categories (independent living,
assisted living, memory care and skilled). Within each category there are “levels”
based on initial and on going assessments. Two items to consider are 1) when
you visit facilities ask to speak with the Executive Director (ED) and the
Director of Nursing (DON). These two are the individuals that are the driving
force for each building 2) ask what the average tenure for management is. If
the tenure is longer level of which is the building is being run will be
higher.