I'm faced with a dilemma pulled from time immemorial; as always I will turn to the indefatigable wisdom of the Letsrun boards.
I've been running with this girl, X, for ~4 months now. We meet up 1-3 times a week, run together or both do track workouts at the same time. X is awesome, we clicked almost instantly, and are pretty good friends at this point. I don't resonate with many people, so this makes me confident that this is a real feeling. As any mid-20s single guy I can't help but think there's something more to this: I'm crushing on her. We have just enough similar, somewhat niche interests, and have a similar method of approaching life. After runs it's hard to not talk for > 30 minutes with X.
It gets a bit more complicated. She used to run with another guy, Y, until he decided he wanted to stop running. Well he decides to start again, and wants people to run with, so he joins us. Y is cool, a guy I would hang out with on my own accord. Y is in a relationship. Y has a car, X does not, and my car broke just before he started running with us , so if we want to get out to a cool trail he is necessary. This is great, but now instead of guy and girl running together it's 3 friends running together. Long post-run talks only happen when it's just me and X. She still pays attention to what I say, responds quickly to texts, etc.
So my questions to the beautiful minds of Letsrun:
1) X is a great as a friend, I want to keep her as a friend. I also can't let someone like this walk by me. I've never been attracted to a close friend - if I tell her how I am feeling, what's the risk of losing or weakening the friendship? I also really enjoy Y's company, might this change the dynamic?
2) We've never talked about relationships with one another, and only Y's ventures have been a topic of conversation when the 3 of us have met. Is this a sign at all? Would she have mentioned she is single if she was? Would she have mentioned she had a bf if she did? Is she wondering these same things about me?
3) Should I just tell her how I am feeling, and see how she responds? Should I show instead of tell, while still making my intentions clear?
4) How likely is it that she knows I am crushing on her? I feel that girls are much more tuned into these things than guys. I can convince myself that both ways that she either does or doesn't have similar feelings.
Help me: attracted to a good friend - what do I do?
Report Thread
-
-
X and Y were the best of friends
They stuck together 'round the awkward bends
Since the killing, Y's tried to find
A way to pay the guilty back in kind -
Just ask her out. Just do it.
-
One time, earlier in my life, I was in similar situation.
This girl I liked just happened to be at the spot where I finished my run.
This happened twice, the second time we started talking like we did the first time, I, of course, was wearing running shorts.
I was really turned on by her and Mr Johnson started growing like a mad man.
It was very obvious and instead of hiding Mr Johnson, I just stood there letting him grow as we chatted.
Long story short she invited me over and Mr Johnson was happy.
Go for it !!! -
If you want to get with this girl....do not TELL her how you feel or make it a serious conversation.
You need show her in really subtle ways but not really commit to it. Pick on her in a friendly way and make her laugh.
You have to get her in a social setting outside of running preferrably in a group setting for it to be more casual and flirty. That's when it starts.
One move I've done in the group setting: When her back is towards you, tap her on the opposite shoulder from the other side of her and just walk away, but make sure she knows it's you. It's just friendly physical, playful, non-creepy stuff.
Text her stuff like: "Come over to my house and make me dinner!" followed by a funny emoji. Make indirect points and get her thinking. -
Maturely and politely tell her how you feel and ask her if she feels the same way, and make clear to her that you value your friendship with her and you don't want your feelings to get in the way of that and that you can act appropriately if she just wants to be friends.
Might not work but gives you your best shot at seeing if she is interested without ruining things. -
Resident Stud wrote:One move I've done in the group setting: When her back is towards you, tap her on the opposite shoulder from the other side of her and just walk away, but make sure she knows it's you. It's just friendly physical, playful, non-creepy stuff.
Text her stuff like: "Come over to my house and make me dinner!" followed by a funny emoji. Make indirect points and get her thinking.
lol 2/10
definitely don't do this, OP -
Man up (assuming you're XY) and take a chance. If you don't, you will regret not doing so the rest of your life. If your X girl finds another man for the long term, I doubt she will remain your close friend anyway.
This might be you:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y98xZiov0
And this might be her:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0
BTW, I'll take the Four Swedes over the Blue Swede any day because B.J. is better. -
birdbeard wrote:
Resident Stud wrote:One move I've done in the group setting: When her back is towards you, tap her on the opposite shoulder from the other side of her and just walk away, but make sure she knows it's you. It's just friendly physical, playful, non-creepy stuff.
Text her stuff like: "Come over to my house and make me dinner!" followed by a funny emoji. Make indirect points and get her thinking.
lol 2/10
definitely don't do this, OP
Made you laugh, right? Guess what...woman laugh at this stuff too and enjoy this type of banter.
Serious attempts = Creepy men who don't know how to engage in a friendly way.
Entertaining attempts = Fun guys who know how to get laid! -
Resident Stud wrote:
Serious attempts = Creepy men who don't know how to engage in a friendly way.
Entertaining attempts = Fun guys who know how to get laid!
This is stupid. He should just ask her out to lunch or something. He won't get anywhere with subtle flirting. -
Sham 69 wrote:
This is stupid. He should just ask her out to lunch or something. He won't get anywhere with subtle flirting.
They already "go out". They run together. He needs to get to f*ing first base.
JC, has anyone on this board actually gotten laid? -
This all sounds so formal. If you like spending time with her, just invite her things beyond running that you think she'd be interested in.
-
From my experience, women are more likely to have platonic relationships. If she is into you, she, probably would have invited you to do something outside of running together by now.
In any case, inviting her to something like going to dinner and maybe getting rejected woukd not be a life changer. -
CrispyChicken wrote:
If your X girl finds another man for the long term, I doubt she will remain your close friend anyway.
Great point. -
Resident Stud wrote:
birdbeard wrote:
Resident Stud wrote:One move I've done in the group setting: When her back is towards you, tap her on the opposite shoulder from the other side of her and just walk away, but make sure she knows it's you. It's just friendly physical, playful, non-creepy stuff.
Text her stuff like: "Come over to my house and make me dinner!" followed by a funny emoji. Make indirect points and get her thinking.
lol 2/10
definitely don't do this, OP
Made you laugh, right? Guess what...woman laugh at this stuff too and enjoy this type of banter.
Serious attempts = Creepy men who don't know how to engage in a friendly way.
Entertaining attempts = Fun guys who know how to get laid!
Idk man I got the impression the people in the original post were above the age of 14. -
A few questions that I think are important to ask yourself and would help us help you:
How/why did you start running together? Were you acquainted before you started running together? This is an important question, context is key.
I've recently realized that there are two types of guys: those that easily form (non-romantic) friendships with girls and those who don't, those who just like chilling with the homies. Which type do you think you are? Have you had many female close friends? If you haven't had many female close friends (that aren't you buddies gfs, etc) a connection with a girl might be the real deal. If you have had many close female friends it's much harder to say. My gf claims that girls know this, but she is crazy so take it with a grain of salt.
1) If you start dating, Y doesn't really have to know immediately. It would be more awkward if you went on 1 or 2 dates and told Y than if you waited like a month or so before letting him figure it out himself. I don't think it would drastically change the dynamic and it's one of those things that's only weird if you make it weird.
2) If you've known her for 4 months and she hasn't mentioned a bf she probably doesn't have one. I think the questions I posed above would help us figure out if she's thinking the same things about you.
3) The "show instead of tell" is a fine idea (just don't take it too literally LOL). This isn't like a movie where people "confess their love" to each other. How you do it is totally up to you though, invite her on a walk, watch the sunset with her and see where the conversation goes. If Y skips out on a run one day maybe ask her to get something to eat afterwards. Maybe ask if she wants to watch a movie (has she ever been to your house?)
4) How likely is it that she knows? Probably pretty likely but not guaranteed. Girls are good at giving ambiguous clues and picking up on things. If she knows and she feels the same way she wants you to tell her first, because that's how girls are.
To agree with the previous posters, what makes it difficult is that you have already "gone out" to some degree by running with each other, so it's not like you could just "ask her out" like you could with a coworker, classmate, etc. If she responds quickly to texts and pays attention to what you say that's probably a good sign, this is one of the ways that girls "show" guys that they are interested, not guaranteed but very likely. -
birdbeard wrote:
Maturely and politely tell her how you feel and ask her if she feels the same way, and make clear to her that you value your friendship with her and you don't want your feelings to get in the way of that and that you can act appropriately if she just wants to be friends.
Might not work but gives you your best shot at seeing if she is interested without ruining things.
Do NOT do this. There is no reason to make it heavy and talk about your feelings so early. This is a risky strategy and will turn most girls off. Just flirt and be sexual, light hearted. There is plenty of time for heavy stuff later on. -
You are making this way too hard.
The fact that you're asking these questions suggests to me that you think there is a correct "answer." There is no right way. There are no correct answers.
I've known a lot of people who are "serial advice seekers." They are not actually looking for advice, but are, instead, looking for ways to shift the burden of responsibility from themselves to others so that, if the path they choose does not work out ideally, they can console themselves with the notion that it was bad advice--aka "not really my fault."
What do YOU think you should do? Do that.. -
Ask her over for a movie. Sit close. Have physical contact. Then when the movie is over, unless she is very standoffish or the mood isn't right, make your move. Sounds like she likes you too. If so, she is WAITING for you to make a move.
You could always test the waters by sending some mildly flirty texts and seeing how she responds. If she ignores the flirty parts and doesn't reciprocate at all, you're in the friend zone. My guess is she will see it as fun and have some fun with it. You should actually do this first before you ask her over for a movie as it will lead to some sexual buildup in you both and make a makeout session (or more) very natural.
Also, get your car fixed, bro. -
You need to step up the romance with flirting, playfulness, eye-contact, and physical touch in small ways that make her comfortable progressively.
Small physical contact like if you're talking after running and talking and laughing, little things like touching her knee or her shoulder or her arm as you're talking to her as part of the conversation. Little things. Or give her a hug before you leave. If you reach out your arm, she probably won't leave you hanging.
Eye contact is very important. Initially, humbly, looking down while smiling and glancing at her eyes. But eventually, looking deep into her eyes as she talks. Fixate on her eyes inviting her to you.
Eventually, when the time comes, you want to land a great first kiss. You could be jogging and playfully playing around, take her by the hands and spin her around so she's looking right at you. Then as you smile and look deep into her eyes, lean forward to kiss her. Make it a good one. Start gradual, a short kiss, then again a little longer, then again a little longer.
