Talk me out of leaving my family

I was in your nearly your exact situation 3yrs ago: kids were 2yrs younger but I had 3 also; New job; Different woman; in an urban center; different income situation but I can speak to that from what I learned.

1. Do not leave your family (not your wife you are leaving your family) for another woman. If you can't be the Husband and Father you set out to be that's one thing but you need to arrive at that conclusion without the emotional pull of another woman being in the picture.

2. The higher income will not offset alimony/child support and travel to see your children unless your GF is earning something substantial and she will share it (she'd be crazy to do so). As of the first of this year alimony is not tax deductible anymore (child support never is) and you don't make enough money to have the likely lower state income taxes you will be paying by moving from a blue state to a red state benefit you enough to offset.

3. Unless there is something truly wrong with your current wife (and if there is than you should be going to court to get the kids but I don't get the sense this is what this is about) then you have to look at yourself and figure out what has gone wrong with you to want to end a marriage to a not horrible person where you share 3 children and a life together.

My suggestions FWIW: Lose the girlfriend (someone was willing to marry and that means you can always find another). Commit to taking the amount of time you were spending on her over the last six months and spend that time on your children. If... your wife doesn't notice/appreciate it and if... you come to the conclusion that maybe you are just a bad dad and your kids don't respond to it (they will) or you don't find you appreciate your time with them then... maybe being a husband and father just isn't your thing. If this is the case then proceed with as gentle a separation as possible and please think long and hard before ever becoming a father and husband again.

What happened to me: I figured out that the problem wasn't my wife or kids but me. I got sober, took a job that cut my income in half but tripled the amount of time I could spend with my family, started running (hence I'm on this site) and moved my family from an urban setting to a rural one. I couldn't be happier with my decision. I still fight plenty with my wife but its honest and we have formed a much better relationship (yes she knows about nearly all of my GF's and there were a lot) and I am on my way to becoming a great dad and it's the best thing I've ever done in my life.

No judgements from me on your situation but I think that's some solid advice from someone who has been in your position.

You won't be free of the situation just because you left, you'll just become a loser who bailed on his kids. I think given that this new girl is desperate/shallow enough to be ok with waiting on a guy from another city to leave his family for her that it's safe to say she's not going to add very much to your life either.

At the end of the day dude it comes down to this: -

There is no god, there is no afterlife, just the here and now. In 50 years time you'll be dead and all consciousness you ever had will have permanently expired. In 100 years time your kids will be dead and all consciousness they ever had will have permanently expired.

Do what you want to do. If you're unhappy make yourself happy. In the greater scheme of things it makes no sense not to...

The Logical Atheist wrote:

At the end of the day dude it comes down to this: -

There is no god, there is no afterlife, just the here and now. In 50 years time you'll be dead and all consciousness you ever had will have permanently expired. In 100 years time your kids will be dead and all consciousness they ever had will have permanently expired.

Do what you want to do.

Yes, the people who adhere to the "fvck everything, I'm looking out for #1" mentality are always tremendously happy and well-adjusted...

You sound like a garbage person and are probably already a shite dad and husband. My only hope is that your wife takes you for all you're worth and never lets your kids see your again. Also pics of the GF are needed.

Gimme Gimme = Happiness wrote:

The Logical Atheist wrote:

At the end of the day dude it comes down to this: -

There is no god, there is no afterlife, just the here and now. In 50 years time you'll be dead and all consciousness you ever had will have permanently expired. In 100 years time your kids will be dead and all consciousness they ever had will have permanently expired.

Do what you want to do.

Yes, the people who adhere to the "fvck everything, I'm looking out for #1" mentality are always tremendously happy and well-adjusted...

Oh yeah, as opposed to the "family man" who sticks it out despite every fibre of his being not wanting to be there, lovingly barely speaking to his wife for years, and continously losing his rag at his kids over nothing other than his own barely repressed self-contempt. He's obviously much happier, better adjusted, and doing a great service for his kids ?

As Whitney Houston so beautifully put it:- "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all".

The Logical Atheist wrote:

Gimme Gimme = Happiness wrote:

Yes, the people who adhere to the "fvck everything, I'm looking out for #1" mentality are always tremendously happy and well-adjusted...

Oh yeah, as opposed to the "family man" who sticks it out despite every fibre of his being not wanting to be there, lovingly barely speaking to his wife for years, and continously losing his rag at his kids over nothing other than his own barely repressed self-contempt. He's obviously much happier, better adjusted, and doing a great service for his kids ?

As Whitney Houston so beautifully put it:- "learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all".

Small minded

deadbeat wrote:

Not getting into the gory details. Unhappy in my marriage and job a dream job offer waiting in a new city with a new woman. It's far away (not within driving distance). Love my kids but feel trapped by everything and getting more depressed by the day. I've been married for 9 years, 3 kids. Talk me off the ledge.

Seems like if you already have a new woman, you've already abandoned your kids. Not caring so much about your wife. Clearly you've already cheated on her enough for her to move on. And for her to want you to move on.

3 years ago your kids were 2 years younger?

No, don't do it! Reasons:

1. Your kids are too young. Wait it out [if humanly possible] until they are basically young adults - min. age 16-17 to make the jump.

2. If you don't like or trust your wife much, think of the man/men (shudder!) she may bring in to their lives. You will have zero control over that if you leave. You are leaving the kids vulnerable to potentially predatory men.

3. The woman you're leaving your family for will not only be hated by the family, but she is a low quality woman if she accepts a man who leaves his wife and very young kids for her. She might be in love with you (and vice versa), but she should realise there are kids here, and stop it (if she was of decent quality she would anyway).

4. Kids will never ever accept the woman you left their mum (mom) for. Another source of division that they will resent and dislike you for. New woman will defo want 1-2 kids herself, which will create tension and half siblings, who the current children will hate and resent because you live with the new kids and act like a real dad (but not for them).

5. The guilt of leaving the kids for a job and woman hundreds of miles away will kill you. If it doesn't, you're a bona fide terrible person.

6. The extra money you say you'll make - you'll lose it in alimony anyway. Plus upkeep of the new woman/family.

7. The job is too far away from the kids - you will effectively be abandoning them. They'll have every right to disrespect you for not fulfilling your duties to them, and dismiss you from their lives as they get older.

It isn't all bad. Tough it out until they are old enough to handle it, if you can. If you really cannot make it work with the wife, you'll need to be living in the same neighbourhood, so you can actually be a dad and keep a close eye on them. Forget the other woman - it'll never work without massive heartache, dislike and outright hate on all sides. You'd need to make a clean break before hooking up with someone else. Be prepared, if it is a younger woman, she'll almost certainly want kids too [no matter what she says now]. You could find yourself in the same situation in 5 years time...

Lie to your kids and tell them you love them. Say all the right things for your kids sake

For your wife's sake, be honest. Tell her the truth about how you don't love your family and have no soul.

Your kids will be scarred and never recover from it, even into their adult lives. You'll never have a relationship with them again. This new girl will be on the skids soon enough whichever way you choose. You will certainly die alone because no one will care about you, just as you cared about no one besides yourself.

beenthere wrote:

...

What happened to me: I figured out that the problem wasn't my wife or kids but me. I got sober, took a job that cut my income in half but tripled the amount of time I could spend with my family, started running (hence I'm on this site) and moved my family from an urban setting to a rural one. I couldn't be happier with my decision. I still fight plenty with my wife but its honest and we have formed a much better relationship (yes she knows about nearly all of my GF's and there were a lot) and I am on my way to becoming a great dad and it's the best thing I've ever done in my life.

No judgements from me on your situation but I think that's some solid advice from someone who has been in your position.

You're busted. That parenthetical thought: (yes she knows about nearly all of my GF's and there were a lot)

Nearly? NEARLY all of your GFs? How many are you still hiding?

The only way to fix this is for you to come clean 100%. Otherwise, your wife will always be discovering things, and each time, it will be worse and worse, as you can't be trusted to tell the full truth.

Omitting things is also a form a lying. Just don't.

Read The Energy bus by Jon Gordon.