Broke up with my girlfriend with a victim mindset... Would like some input

Moral of the story is, you made the right call. Better cut bait than let the obvious incompatibility fester into an incurable disease. You should not look back and cauterize this wound with alacrity. Don't flog yourself or bear resentment towards her. Work towards closing the chapter with purpose and finality.

You did the right ing. I have made it a point throughout my life to avoid whiners. I did not marry one, don't have them as friends, and don't vote for them. I am so very much happier for that decision. I mean, I have every bit of sympathy for people who truly have it difficult. Cancer victims, rape survivors, and so forth. But most complainers have perfectly good lives, but they are so self-absorbed that they can't see it. Well, I can, and I won't be an enabler to their problem.

Yeah if you see “for a good time call” followed by your girlfriend’s name and number on the bathroom wall…

I get that, man. No offense taken at all. I post stuff about my personal life here sometimes because none of my close friends live here in town with me anymore, and nobody here knows me, so I'm more likely to get unbiased feedback. I get this is a running board, but I've felt like people's life problems have always added flavor here. Only so many different ways you can talk about running.

I want to be clear about one thing, the breakup was right thing to do however you breaking up with her AND explaining her flaws to you was just damn cruel. There was nothing to gain out of that and its almost seems sadistic. And saying a few positive things before you hit her with the flaws didn't make it better.

It was socially very dense or it was just mean of you. You pick the one that fits.

I respectfully disagree, and nearly all of the advice I have read and heard suggests that people want to know why rather than just be told it's over. I have even had women immediately ask me why when I told them it was over, so I don't really think the way I did things should be considered cruel or sadistic. I didn't list a ton of problems or numerous things about her. I chose one big difference between us and stated that this difference between us is why the relationship won't work out long term.

Thanks for sharing this and I'm sorry you are feeling the pain and discomfort that come with break ups right now. Frankly, I am in a similar situation with my partner of 3.5 years. I feel more trapped and conflicted because I do love this person deeply but at times they seem like pure chaos. I commend you for making the steps you did as the immediate pain of ending the relationship will be far less than the pain of dragging it on with this person.

It really teaches me the type of person I want to be (ie - not someone who has aa victim mentality and literally has complaints about anything and everything). We inherently find confident, positive people attractive and whether we mimic that ourselves or find it in a partner, we will be better off.

Both of you should be praised for working on a relationship with someone who has insecurities. My wife had some of the same issues, which I realized stemmed from childhood trauma and poverty issues. I helped her work through some of it and we are doing great now.

I'm sorry to hear that your conversation with your girlfriend did not go well and that you are feeling terrible. It can be difficult to end a relationship, especially when there are positive qualities and potential in the other person, but it sounds like the issues you brought up were significant enough that they were dealbreakers for you in terms of a long-term partnership.

It's important to remember that everyone has their own journey and struggles in life, and it's not fair to compare ourselves to others or expect others to have the same level of success or lack of problems as we do. However, it's also important for individuals to take responsibility for their own actions and work towards addressing their problems and challenges in a proactive manner.

It sounds like your girlfriend may have been stuck in a victim mindset and unwilling to take ownership of her own problems and work towards solutions. It's understandable that you tried to bring this up and encourage her to reflect on her patterns and results, but ultimately, it's up to her to make that choice for herself.

It's important to take care of yourself during this time as well. Ending a relationship can be emotionally draining and it's okay to take time to process your feelings and prioritize your own well-being. It may also be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist if needed.

Remember that relationships are a two-way street and it's important for both partners to be able to communicate and work through issues together in a healthy and productive manner. If this was not possible in your relationship, it may be a sign that it was not a good fit for the long-term.

There's no easy or painless way to end a close relationship. But you were unhappy, you saw the need to break up and you did it. It sounds like you did the right thing for you. Doing the right thing can often hurt. The hurt will get a little better every day and you'll be better off in the long run for making the tough decision.

I am also in about 3.5 years, but the person I'm with started the first 2 years the way you guys describe as a whiner and victim mentality. The fact is everyone has childhood and adulthood traumas ingrained in them that make them act how they act. For some reason or another, these behaviors went unhecked and didn't get resolved. Should we not try to help this person grow, if you love them and they are open to growth?

I would constantly listen to problems, but I would nicely disagree with her negativity and suggest a positive alternative about how to look at things. Eventually she started to give up on fighting all her "problems" and stopped looking for sympathy about them, because they're mostly made up. Let them know how the negativity affects you.

It's frustrating at times, but shes about 80% less negative now and now I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My point is if the person has qualities you find important, maybe show patience and work on the issues together. It's not set in stone... Unless she just doesn't care about what you think.

You cannot expect a breakup talk to go well, especially one where you chose to give her feedback/criticizer her.

If you want it to go well you say something generic like our personalities are no longer compatible and I no longer want to be in a relationship with you. I wish you the best.

The benefit from giving her feedback, I guess, is that the breakup is more definitive, but the downside is you are gauranteed for the conversation to go badly. No one wants feedback from a person exiting their life. You are now irrelevant, and your feedback is totally unimportant. Your time to give feedback is when you are in the relationship, when your partner might care about your point of view.

I don’t think we disagreed here! My post says OP more than likely made the right decision.

Sometimes relationships fizzle out. You gotta realize I’m about 21 in today’s dating climate, some relationships just aren’t that serious. Sometimes you end a relationship or have a relationship ended for something other than personality flaws.

My most recent relationship ended because we really just didn’t have time to be serious, and the relationship was getting serious. It started in the summer when we didn’t have much to do, and ended because my track/work/class hours didn’t work out with her work/class hours, both of us are horrifically bad texters/callers, and didn’t find much overlapping free time to spend time with eachother, and the both of us weren’t in a place where we really wanted to make the sacrifice of being basically a long distance couple that couldn’t ever see eachother because it just wasn’t that deep of a bond. No ill will or anything in either direction, just not something that would naturally work out and not something we were willing to force to work out.

Your now ex-gf is likely has some degree of narcissistic personality disorder. If you are unfamiliar, this does not just mean a person with a lot of vanity or selfishness. It goes beyond that. The characteristics you described of her are exactly like a person in my life who is a narcissist. Watch some youtube vids on the subject, it will help you understand her irrationality and victim mindset. These people deserve empathy because they need professional help and they are not fully in control of their own pathologies, but you definitely don't want to be in serious relationships with them either. Good for you for getting out.

Hey, I have to say I was very surprised and impressed with your response. I make this snarky barbed post to you and you respond maturely, logically expressing your view and you even include a link. (Ironically, I send you a somewhat mean post accusing you of being mean......ouch the pain of self awareness) You obviously are not a mean person because I gave you reason to respond aggressively and you chose not to. You are not socially dense either.

Let me reframe my position (you are not completely off the hook) that I think you could have handled this better and you were a bit insensitive to her. (Caveat, breakups are heavily emotionally laden and very very difficult for anyone to do well). I have three reasons for thinking this:

(1) In your posts about your girlfriend you expressed annoyance and a bit of disdain regarding her need to always portray herself as a victim. I think that view likely came out in your talk with her. I also believe you thought during the breakup talk you were going to tell her something that she needed to hear and that would improve her life. That places you in a superior position acting to improve her and that's the last thing someone wants to hear when they are being dumped. (That's why I made the snarky post to you)

(2) You know your girlfriend is emotionally fragile and probably not that happy if she sees that she is always the victim of everything. Often the information we give to someone, for it to be effective, needs to be tailored to the person's ability to understand and accept it. Knowing who she is and how she sees herself as the victim did you really think (during the breakup) she would be able to accept and profit from your suggestions?

(3) The results; did your approach work, was it well received? Obviously it wasn't.

Again, this is armchair opinion and I don't really know the the situation so I could be wrong. (But I don't think so)

I understand your points. However, I did things the way I did them because I have tried the gentle, indirect, wait-and-see approach numerous times for the last several months, and it was having no effect. I consciously chose to be explicit and direct because I felt like she needed to hear it, even if it would be painful and she wouldn't react well in the short term. I think we can all think of a time or times in our life when someone kind of just blurted out something to us bluntly about us behaving wrongly or acting stupidly and both feeling terrible but also suddenly having awareness about something we weren't aware about before, and then we could stop acting stupidly/foolishly in this way moving forward.

I absolutely told her straight up she had a victim mindset, blamed all her problems on everyone else, and never took any action to actually address any of her problems. I fully admit that I had lost composure by this point and wish that I had handled things better, but it is what it is now. I do regret the WAY I said things, but I do not regret saying them. She has been having many problems in her life for a long time and doesn't seem to be paying attention to any of the feedback she is getting from the Universe or from others. I felt like even if me saying things leads to ill feelings and never speaking again, losing a close relationship and being told precisely why might be the motivation she needs to make changes in her life. Nothing else has worked so far. Perhaps people here disagree, but I know for sure there was one time in my life where that happened to me: a girl dumped me because I had lot of unresolved trauma, she was a great girl, and it made me realize I had to do something about my issues if I was ever going to keep a quality partner.

I do sincerely appreciate the thoughtful responses I've gotten here. It's gotten to be a somewhat uncommon thing on this board.

You seem to be a decent person and I sincerely wish you and her well in your new paths that don't include each other.