Anyone hate your spouse and stay in marriage for kids?

i have seen others in this situation and what they have typically done is stay together while the kids are in the house and then get a divorce once the kids leave for college.

Kind of sad, but it is understandable. Good luck.

How old are the kids? Really depends on that answer.

Quickly becomming my situation. Wife and I argue daily about stupid stuff. I put a spoon in the fork spot and all of a sudden it is blown into me not being reliable and not caring. As of right now I stay so I am with my kids and it is financially a lot easier.

Letsrun Guru wrote:

I put a spoon in the fork spot

Who the heck does this? I'd yell at you, too!!!

No, I am kidding and I am sorry about your situation. I am also sorry about the OP's situation. Guru, I am assuming you were not cheated on, so my advice would be to confront your wife and tell her that you need to get control of your marriage. Go see a counselor and if the session is all about how awful you are, tell her that you'll leave if that is what she wants. Then make sure you get solid time with the kids and move just down the street (or very, very close by).

OP, you need to work very hard at being awesome. Get fit, make money and be confident. Be nice to your wife, but not too nice. Maybe the better word is cordial. Don't give her a valid reason to hate you. She probably cheated on you with a douche. My guess is that she knows it. Make it obvious by being awesome. Make that coin and spend it all on the kids. Get nice things for the family but not her, personally. She'll realize what she did and when she does you'll know she is sorry. Only then can you forgive her. Talk about the douche. Do you ever talk to her about it? I'd make her talk about it.

Quit Pushing wrote:

OP, you need to work very hard at being awesome. Get fit, make money and be confident. Be nice to your wife, but not too nice. Maybe the better word is cordial. Don't give her a valid reason to hate you. She probably cheated on you with a douche. My guess is that she knows it. Make it obvious by being awesome. Make that coin and spend it all on the kids. Get nice things for the family but not her, personally. She'll realize what she did and when she does you'll know she is sorry. Only then can you forgive her. Talk about the douche. Do you ever talk to her about it? I'd make her talk about it.

How about avoiding all the long term passive aggressive B.S. and go to a marriage and family therapist?

OP, doing nothing but giving up and resigning yourself to being there "for the kids" doesn't do what you think it does. Seek couples therapy. Will that solve everything in 30 days or less? No.

Yes, that is probably a better idea.

madsad wrote:

I was cheated on and hate my spouse. I love my kids and can't imagine not seeing them every day. I have faked forgiveness and never fight or argue. No one knows. I'm bitter inside. Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice?

Yes, couples counseling, then couples communication coaching.

Another thing you could consider is -- where did the "set up" come from that you have to feel angry/sad, unable to forgive when being cheated on.

Consider this: 99.9% of movies and TV show two things around cheating. --

That one must always, 100% of the time, instantly hate their spouse -- and break up.

The societal set up for hurt, hate, and throwing the other person away....is MASSIVE.

I'm not implying that cheating is right or okay. What I am saying is that the cultural brainwashing is massive. --Of course, there are small pockets and communities of open relationships and the like. I'm not saying this is a path you need to go.

However, there is a 3rd option. Do some research on the percentage of marriages where someone cheats. Read a book like "Sperm Wars," wherein you'll learn some shocking realities beyond the cliches of society.

It is assumed that men are the cheaters. The truth is the other way around. And it is has been that way going way back. About 25% of people -- their father is not their father. Women cheat more than men -- and take the secret to their grave, lie about it much better than men. Women take the secret to their grave.

My point: It's a freak show out there. And your inability to forgive says more about you, your limitations, the brain-washing you received from society and the set-up you are reacting to now.

Okay, what I've written probably won't be "popular," just understand that there is a wider scope of knowledge out there than you are probably educated on or operating from. If you expand your scope -- it might be easier to not be mad, sad, hate and be unforgiving. Not being able to forgive only hurts you. It only churns up your guts, and starts giving you stomach cancer / whatever, or lowering your life expectancy in some way.

Couples counseling.

Read some books on why people cheat, how to forgive. Hopefully your spouse is willing to join you in the journey to a new beginning.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you ride the pine with your status quo, it sucks to be you. Cos the mad, sad, and hate only exist in you, and those feeling are screwing up your brain chemistry and health.

A little story: A friend of mine and his wife married at 18. One day in their 30's his wife admitted to him that during a rough patch, she cheated on him at work. She was expecting the worst, cos they had two kids. He started laughing. She asked him why he started laughing -- he said "Because I cheated with someone at work too." They sat down and talked it out and realized that they cheated because they had stopped communicating with each other as they once had. They cleared the air and set a new plan to get back to who and how they were earlier in their relationship. They fixed the problems that the cheating was a symptom of.

You have probably heard that concept before -- cheating is not the problem, it's a symptom.

Assuming from your story your spouse wanted to stay together. Sometimes cheating is nothing more than making a stupid mistake and in essence having someone to masturbate/get off with -- and not a relationship, not something the spouse wants to move into full time. People make mistakes, and because people often don't communicate well -- you may not know how deeply your spouse regreats it.

Maybe there is no helping you, but how are you going to know if you don't consider another option other than where you are at with it now?

Good luck.

You know whats bad for kids to see? A parent yelling at another parent for putting a fork in the spoon section. Seriously man, you better let her know that's not appropriate. Do you want your kids to think that's normal behavior and find a spouse who treats them that way? Stand up for yourself. Don't yell, just tell her firmly you'll put the fork wherever you want in your house. Then go and be a man and put it in the fork section.

Short answer. Married red pill. Fix yourself. You're welcome.

Look, she cheated on you because you lost your way and wasn't the man she respected, loved, or desired. You had a dead bedroom long before she cheated and that is your fault. Another man came along and was the alpha you used to be when you dated and showed her how fastastic it is to be with a man that plays the man role.

Read this stuff. It will hurt a lot to see how weak you've become but if you take it seriously it will put you back on track to making your life enjoyable. Become the desirable man women want and you will be better. At that point either your SO will be on board and will never cheat again or you will have moved on. Stewing like what you are doing is the worst possible thing you can do. Fix yourself and your marriage will either fall in line or new healthier relationships will form.

A lot of you are assuming OP is a man whose wife cheated on him. Just as easily could be the reverse, or (god forbid) a same sex relationship of either gender.

Anyway I think you need to decide, ultimately, whether you want to remain in a marriage with this person. Maybe you already have. Staying together for the kids when you hate your spouse is probably going to be more destructive to your well being (and to THEIRS) over the long term.

I would try couples therapy.

I agree with the poster who says to try to get a grip on what an affair is and what it isn't. Don't over play the victim role, or live from fear. An affair can be a nearly morally neutral thing when all factors are understood, so forgiveness really doesn't need to be a big deal. I personally believe in telling a spouse before opening a marriage and have recently done that , but that doesn't mean that the sneaking has to be a reason fro anyone to self destruct.

I think this Article and thread gives a lot of perspective. Not all the answers for any one person.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/having-affair-there-are-six-different-kinds

Couples therapy is not an answer for everyone. I honestly wouldn't even bother. My wife and I can talk about anything and I will suspect that the therapist in this day is likely feminized on views of marriage and family. Getting an improved family program sometimes is like running. You can just ask and look for new answers all the time. You actually have to try the elements of a new program. That takes courage.

I agree that reading some of the red pill stuff is good. Try the Rationale Male. Nobody has all the answers in one spot for any one relationship.

I feel for you bro. I'm in the SAME situation. I'm sticking around for my kids, but I feel like a little b!tch for staying. I never imagined myself staying with someone who cheated on me. NEVER. Yet here I am. I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to say sorry.

Mine cheated on me once before we got divorced and then after we got divorced just for spite she went after my "friend" and succeeded. I contemplated staying with her for the kids but realized I couldn't fake it for years. My advice is if you love her and can forgive her then stay. If you can't then leave. The best thing you can do for your kids is be happy. The happier you are and they see you being the better. Kids aren't stupid, they know when mom and dad don't love each other.

Tnfmedia wrote:

Mine cheated on me once before we got divorced and then after we got divorced just for spite she went after my "friend" and succeeded. I contemplated staying with her for the kids but realized I couldn't fake it for years. My advice is if you love her and can forgive her then stay. If you can't then leave. The best thing you can do for your kids is be happy. The happier you are and they see you being the better. Kids aren't stupid, they know when mom and dad don't love each other.

Jesus, dude. I felt my blood boil just reading that.

sorrybro wrote:

I feel for you bro. I'm in the SAME situation. I'm sticking around for my kids, but I feel like a little b!tch for staying. I never imagined myself staying with someone who cheated on me. NEVER. Yet here I am. I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to say sorry.

Once again, staying doesn't do what you think it does.

Seek therapy. It's a very important topic and probably cannot be sorted out alone.

Bobs Burgers wrote:

Tnfmedia wrote:

Mine cheated on me once before we got divorced and then after we got divorced just for spite she went after my "friend" and succeeded. I contemplated staying with her for the kids but realized I couldn't fake it for years. My advice is if you love her and can forgive her then stay. If you can't then leave. The best thing you can do for your kids is be happy. The happier you are and they see you being the better. Kids aren't stupid, they know when mom and dad don't love each other.

Jesus, dude. I felt my blood boil just reading that.

It was pretty devastating and I was pissed at my "friend". Went into a pretty deep depression but some good friends pulled me out. Hard way to learn who you can and can't trust.

madsad wrote:

I was cheated on and hate my spouse. I love my kids and can't imagine not seeing them every day. I have faked forgiveness and never fight or argue. No one knows. I'm bitter inside. Has anyone else been in this situation? Advice?

You still hittin' dat tho?

Have a revenge affair and let your spouse watch.

uhm, er.. wrote:

Read a book like "Sperm Wars," wherein you'll learn some shocking realities beyond the cliches of society.

So your advice is for the OP to find another woman and commit date rape?