Is a long term monogamous marriage achievable?

I am old. In the 1980s, I used to regularly have three couples over for dinner. All of them are still together. And my brother's been married for 30 years? Me, well, that's something else again.

The short answer is that it's achievable, but reasonably challenging.

Whatthewhatthewhat wrote:

But reading from some of the comments his readers post makes me wonder

What do you expect his readers to post? They are not the Dear Abby crowd.

If you get married in a polygamy-legal country, it will be valid in New Zealand. That's the best long-term option. You'll need lots of money though.

A. I think it's attainable if you meet some of the following conditions:

1Infatuatory love inspiring emotions, focus and chivalry

2Admiration for each others' spirits and character

3Desire to grow, work together and achieve dreams together

4Each person has a good character with plenteous virtues and is on the whole 5idealistic and honest

6Make honest efforts to cooperate and bond and be faithful

7Type of people who reflect and better themselves and confront and solve problems

8Enjoy the security of monogamy and have a lifestyle in which it is enjoyed, discouraging "other ideas" and discipline lapses

B. I think you're in trouble if some or both partners:

1Are dishonest or only have a veneer of honesty but are cheaters--physiologically, academically/intellectually, socially, spiritually, professionally, etc.--

1bAre selfish, with a low level of social and humanitarian consciousness

2Spiritually shallow and not of idealistic predispositions

3Have unfinished business and demons

4Enjoy making out and sexing many people

5Insecure and in the habit/lifestyle of feeding those insecurities ( this has stereotypical mass culture manifestations for respective genders)

6Ruthless and political

C. Now even the best of us can fall through, but by and large I think the problem with our society is too many people fall in the second category and that is not going to change because the entire system, of working lives, familial arrangements, school and professions, culture and media, and religion, is very flawed and a negative actual dynamic and ethos prevails.

D. Now I am not a total curmudgeon. People have struggles and it's a harsh lonely world. Yes We need great change in our society but I'd be glad if people at least start thinking and making medium changes. Being greedy and crazy horny and ambitious and having demons is all fine. Combine it with a healthy reflective intellectual artistic and spiritual life. Try to better yourself all the while. Have dreams and ideals and not just McMansion cliche mtv social media fake Christian bullsh1t ones. You'll find that you can get what you want much better, ambition wise and sexually speaking, if you put a little work in for true good than being a total scoundrel. But just my two cents.

rest assured, no one is innocent of infidelity

some might resist acting on their desires, but they have them.

seriously think about whether or not you wish to get married. it's a more important decision than society makes it seem, especially these days. parents rush their children to marry, rush their children to find a mate. fools aren't patient though

despite its popularity, divorce ruins lives. people should treat the decision to marry as if its a decision that will affect the life of others, not just the two

Whatthewhatthewhat wrote:

It's been a slow work week and so I've been reading a ton of Dan Savage's "Savage Love" column. It's an interesting read and I like that he's open to accepting all kinds of marriages 'monogamous, polyamorous, just playing together, 'monogamish')

But reading from some of the comments his readers post makes me wonder if it's really that difficult to be faithful if you choose to be in a monogamous marriage. Sounds like even those who claim to be monogamous cheat, both men and women.

I'm in my late 20s, dating, thinking of the future. I guess I'm just wondering if many of you have been able to stay monogamous and if others of you have either cheated or are in an open relationship.

Yes but the first step is setting yourself up for longevity. If you've bought into the magazine rack rap country music television Hollywood American dream of steaks and eggs, steroids and mansions and keeping up with the joneses,

Cancer, heart disease and degenerative illness is going to present a serious challenge.

Oh my darling oh my darling oh my darling clementine

You are l0st and gone forever

Oh my darling clementine

Was the sweet3st sweet chinned darlin

In the Heartland down home grown

But The last honest woman

Went and lost her heart and soul

Oh..

Humanity is my child.

Humanity is the child.

Realized, unrealized, past present and future together.

My work is never ending.

In them I see her.

In she I see her.

I am the sister, she is my brother.

I am all, I am the other

For which I reach

For what am I reaching?

Omnibeings upon omnibeings

Categories labels and attributes beyond measure

And groups of them

Make love all day long

Make love singing songs

World keep on turning for it won't be long

Ferry me

Cleanse me by wisdom

cbenson4 wrote:

rest assured, no one is innocent of infidelity

some might resist acting on their desires, but they have them.

seriously think about whether or not you wish to get married. it's a more important decision than society makes it seem, especially these days. parents rush their children to marry, rush their children to find a mate. fools aren't patient though

despite its popularity, divorce ruins lives. people should treat the decision to marry as if its a decision that will affect the life of others, not just the two

Rest far more assured that you are not qualified to speak for everyone.

As such, you are an idiot.

Pointing Out the Obvious wrote:

cbenson4 wrote:

rest assured, no one is innocent of infidelity

some might resist acting on their desires, but they have them.

seriously think about whether or not you wish to get married. it's a more important decision than society makes it seem, especially these days. parents rush their children to marry, rush their children to find a mate. fools aren't patient though

despite its popularity, divorce ruins lives. people should treat the decision to marry as if its a decision that will affect the life of others, not just the two

Rest far more assured that you are not qualified to speak for everyone.

As such, you are an idiot.

to say a man in his many years married never looks at any other woman with lust is ignorance

humans are broken things

im convinced of the unfortunate until i see someone exceptional

cbenson4 wrote:

Pointing Out the Obvious wrote:

Rest far more assured that you are not qualified to speak for everyone.

As such, you are an idiot.

to say a man in his many years married never looks at any other woman with lust is ignorance

humans are broken things

im convinced of the unfortunate until i see someone exceptional

To claim to speak for the rest of humanity is beyond ignorant. It is ignorance, spiced up by stupidity, magnified by arrogance.

Pointing Out the Obvious wrote:

cbenson4 wrote:

to say a man in his many years married never looks at any other woman with lust is ignorance

humans are broken things

im convinced of the unfortunate until i see someone exceptional

To claim to speak for the rest of humanity is beyond ignorant. It is ignorance, spiced up by stupidity, magnified by arrogance.

ignorance despite seeing lust around me?

arrogance despite being guilty of lust and blaming myself for it as well? make no mistake, im nothing exemplary

my parents have stayed married and they love each other. nevertheless, i choose not to be so naive as to think neither of them have ever in their 26 years together thought another person as desirable in the flesh.

i don't know your life nor what you've experienced, and you don't know mine, so let's not throw insults at each other. what wasted filler words that prove nothing...

cbenson4 wrote:

Pointing Out the Obvious wrote:

To claim to speak for the rest of humanity is beyond ignorant. It is ignorance, spiced up by stupidity, magnified by arrogance.

ignorance despite seeing lust around me?

arrogance despite being guilty of lust and blaming myself for it as well? make no mistake, im nothing exemplary

my parents have stayed married and they love each other. nevertheless, i choose not to be so naive as to think neither of them have ever in their 26 years together thought another person as desirable in the flesh.

i don't know your life nor what you've experienced, and you don't know mine, so let's not throw insults at each other. what wasted filler words that prove nothing...

Speak for yourself. Speaking for others whom you know nothing about is clearly arrogant and ignorant. Try to avoid this.

Lol at above back and forth. Look how long that tree is stretching. Real productive argument, I can see.

The two stalwarts... The disillusioned surveyor of fallen man, the stubborn but unforthcoming defender of the multitude of the Christ-chaste.

cbenson4 wrote:

to say a man in his many years married never looks at any other woman with lust is ignorance

humans are broken things

im convinced of the unfortunate until i see someone exceptional

Why does it matter if you look at another woman with lust? Getting married doesn't magically prevent normal human emotional reactions.

It's like thinking a brave person doesn't feel fear. A stupid person doesn't feel fear. A brave person feels fear, they simply don't allow fear to distract them from doing what is right.

It's the same with marriage. It doesn't automatically make it so you won't ever find really attractive people attractive, that's stupid. When you get married you make the choice that you will only act on those feelings with your wife. And it's not a one and done deal. Being faithful to your wife is a long term choice that you have to continue to make throughout your life.

The reason a lot of marriages fail is they have unrealistic views of marriage, like you should instantly stop finding other attractive people attractive. Then when they do find other attractive people attractive, they assume something must be wrong with their marriage or they wouldn't feel that way. That's just setting themselves up for failure. Recognize that attractive people will still be attractive after you get married and it's OK to think so. Getting married doesn't mean you won't find them attractive, it just means you are choosing not to be with anybody but your wife.

cbenson4 wrote:

rest assured, no one is innocent of infidelity

some might resist acting on their desires, but they have them.

You and I have a very different definition of infidelity.

whether it matters or not is relative. it may not matter to you, but it may matter to me. we all make our choices in life based on what we believe matters.

lust is not merely finding someone attractive, but actually having sexual desire, even if only for a fleeting moment, and even if weak enough to resist.

i do not believe that simply finding someone else attractive is infidelity, but rather i believe that, even if only fleeting, sexual desire for another is infidelity.

cbenson4 wrote:

lust is not merely finding someone attractive, but actually having sexual desire, even if only for a fleeting moment, and even if weak enough to resist.

i do not believe that simply finding someone else attractive is infidelity, but rather i believe that, even if only fleeting, sexual desire for another is infidelity.

Guess what, attraction is sexual attraction. The reason a guy finds a woman attractive is because of a desire for sex. You don't find a woman attractive because you'd really like to play a board game with her. And, sexual desire is healthy and normal. It is not a bad or evil thing. This unhealthy view that sex is wrong or dirty is what is messing people up.

Infidelity is only actually acting on desires, not thinking about them. If you think about killing someone should you go to jail for the rest of your life for murder? Do you cheat on a diet if you crave chocolate but don't eat it? Don't be ridiculous.

You are setting a standard for failure.

why does it matter? wrote:

The reason a lot of marriages fail is they have unrealistic views of marriage, like you should instantly stop finding other attractive people attractive.

That's why polygamy is the right way. A man who finds another girl attractive can marry her too, preventing any problems.

Biology prevents polyandry from being realistic though, so there's no solution to female infidelity.

Being sexually attracted to someone isn't the same as cheating on your spouse. Those attractions are normal.

Cheating is something different, it's acting on those urges.

I think almost everyone cheats at some point in their life. I know soo many people who have done it, almost everyone I know. Not huge affairs or anything but still enough to constitute cheating.