Runner's Laws

Here are the laws if you can't access the site because you don't have an account

Law 1: If while "training through a meet" you beat an opponent who is not, you own his soul (Once A Runner).

Law 2: If while running a non-running individual or group yells "Run Forest, Run" at you, you are exempt from any judicial law that would bare you from you getting your revenge.

Law 3: If while on a easy group run, a fellow runner, who is not the best in the group, begins to push the pace, it is the responsibility of others in the group to berate that individual with names like newb and even "Nubbins." If this continues, the best runner in the group must punish this feisty runner by taking them on in a pick-up race (Once A Runner).

Law 4: When running, you will be at the moment of greatest displacement from your ending point when you realize you have to take a dump.

Law 5: There is always room for another breadstick.

Law 6: The glory is in the warm-up. Win at all costs.

Law 7: While cross training, time passing on a stationary bike will be 3x the normal rate. For example when you look down at the time spent on the bike expecting it to be around a half an hour, it will in fact read 10 minutes.

Law 8: Your coach will always enter the locker room at the most inopportune time.

Law 9: As a runner, you are superior to your fellow man, this perk entails that you have the right to make fun of any and everyone who is not a runner, regardless if the jokes are warranted.

Law 10: You must correct a person if they refer to a 5k as being 3 miles. You must tell them it is in fact 3.1 miles. If they do not seem to see the big deal in the difference, punch them in the sternum.

Law 11: Do not suffer fools (This is the general law governing law 10).

Law 12: The sacredness of team dinner shall not be violated (i.e. one must never bring his girlfriend (unless she is cooking), one must never miss team dinner to hang out with a chick (this results in excommunication, unless this date may result in the acquisition of tang, then it is allowed), and one must never bring his dog, no matter how cute it is).

Law 13: Each runner must consult LetsRun on a daily basis.

Law 14: A runner that is dealing with pussitus must be berated by his peers; this is the only medicine.

Law 15: Consult one of the holy books in times of great need (Once A Runner, Lore of Running, and Lydiard).

Law 16: God gave us Sunday for the long run. Delegating the long run for Saturday is blasphemous.

Law 17: Do not be cocky. If you ever think you have done something great, remember that Haile Gebrselassie has run 26 4:43 miles in a row.

Law 18: Dogs are the enemy, treat them as such.

Law 19: If you pass a biker while running, your penis will grow 2 inches.

Law 20: Shun the iRunners (those that always run with iPods). They are not our brethren.

Law 21: Never ever concede that another sport is either harder or equally as hard as distance running. This is the great blasphemy and is unforgivable.

Law 22: If it is 33 degrees outside, it will rain.

Law 23: The great game of ultimate frisbee is to be honored once a week.

Law 24: Without Limits is better than Prefontaine.

Law 25: A runner must watch the 2003 coverage of the Footlocker CC championships before engaging in crucial competition.

Law 26: If a non-runner is lane 1 and they do not move after the first warning of "Track" or "Lane 1," you have every right to plow them over.

Law 27: Sprinters are not runners.

Law 28: The milk mile is the most sacred race.

Law 29: Choc milk > regular milk.

Law 30: If you slip and fall, the ground in front of you will be wet and muddy.

Law 31: On runs of 15-20 miles, a dog will never chase you during the first 10.

Law 32: The funniest jokes of all are to be saved for times doing push-ups, so as not to complete them.

Law 33: Never ever make a runner laugh during an anaerobic workout.

Law 34: If you a lesser runner, never ever critique a superior runner's ideas on training or racing.

Law 35: If you are forced to share a whirlpool (ice bath) with another runner, it will be smelliest one available.

Law 36: There are no girl runners, only chick runners.

Law 37: A slow leisurely pace is to be referred to by one of the following terms: McPace or Trot Nixon.

Law 38: You may never ever be passed by another runner on the YMCA track.

Law 39: Your pace must increase while passing a hot chick on a run. The pace is to be increased in correlation to how hot the woman is.

Law 40: Never lose your temper at an ignorant red neck who yells something at you while running, for they are the ones making your food at your favorite fast food restaurant.

Law 41: If you take a nap, you will wake up hot as hell (regardless of weather) and with the hunger of a hundred men.

Law 42: While sharing a hotel bed with another runner, when staying overnight for an away meet, it is unacceptable to start a dutch oven; unless it is really, really funny.

Law 43:If one runner in a group of male runners has a girlfriend, the others despise her (there is no documented reason for this).

Law 44: Your school's athletic trainer will be a douchebag. This man or woman will give a football player an hj before he/she gets you a f****** bag of ice.

Law 45: If a runner is in high school, his state meet will be run in the poorest conditions available. One or more of the following will inevitably occur: f'in cold, f'in hot, snow, hurricane winds, yetti attack, and if none of these happen, this means the apocalypse is at hand.

Law 46: Cross country teams shall never make a poster consisting of a picture of the team and schedule, much like a school's football and basketball teams. This tradition is observed so as not make pedestrians think their is some kind of feed the hungry drive.

Law 47: All morality is put on hold during long runs because everything, regardless of how cruel or horrible becomes funny.

Law 48: If arriving late for a meet, there will be just enough time to do everything except pee.

Law 49: If while standing in a dark room during a full moon, you must never say "Brian Sell" more than twice, for if the name is muttered three times into a mirror, Brian Sell will take your dog as a blood sacrifice for this insult. Such is the rathe of Selbo.

Law 50: Brian Sell drinks your milkshake.

Law 51: If there are 4 donuts available, you will eat 4 donuts. If there are 7 donuts available, you will eat 7 donuts. Hunger has no quotas.

Law 52: Remember that is not your 1st place medal,ribbon, or trophy, you are merely holding it for Haile G. until he makes his rounds.

Law 53: Your facial hair < Frank Shorter's manstache.

Law 54: Brian sell CAN know the values of pairs of conjugate variables (their momentum and location) with exact precision.

Law 55: The great philosopher of antiquity, Zeno, once reasoned that movements was impossible. He reasoned that to get to a point some distance a way, one must first get to the half-way point, and from there he must get to the 1/2 way point of the 1/2 way point (1/4 of the distance). This continues on and on, for numbers can be divided infinitely, until he rationalized that movement cannot actually occur, and thus our senses must be wrong. Zeno was known for being stubborn and sticking to this crazy, though philosphically sound, theory; this was until one day he was out kicked in the final lap of a 10k by Keninisa Bekele, who ran his final lap in 53 seconds. Zeno changed his mind after this, and thus gave us the law of movement: that it is possible and at any one point, Keninisa Bekele is moving faster than you.

Law 56: You will never lose a pair of socks, only one of them. This happens so you are well aware of your loss, thus angering you, and giving you false hope that you will ever find the other pair.

Law 57: You will lose one wife beater per every 5 times you wear said wife beater. Many people believe that they are just careless and sloppy, thus concluding that their lost wife beaters are of their own fault; this is not so. In fact, your wife beaters are stolen by the same man who steals your f****** socks. It is part of a runner's tax that all runner's pay. The price? Your faith in your own organizational skills.

Law 58: You shall not read Runner's World.

Law 59: When two runners that truly despise each and treat one another with great hostility compete in a foot race, the winner of said race is entitled to the tears of the loser. This will make the winner stronger and simultaneously fill his lacrimal ducts, thus making his head larger. This has not be proven, but this law has been proposed to help explain Alan Webb's freakishly large head.

Ha I like #10, some are pretty funny, some a little stupid.

There are only really two that I like:

"Law 17: Do not be cocky. If you ever think you have done something great, remember that Haile Gebrselassie has run 26 4:43 miles in a row."

"Law 58: You shall not read Runner's World."

I think most runners could get by with just those two.

WTF is 55 talking about?

Samsonite wrote:

WTF is 55 talking about?

One of Zeno's paradoxes. I think the dichotomy one. Or maybe the arrow one, can't remember.

Look em up:

Law 50

Yes a there will be blood and brian sell joke all in one

Needs more sell

Zeno's paradox - it basically proved it was impossible to reach your destination. How?

In order to reach a distance say 10 meters, you must first travel half that (5 meters). In order to reach the new distance you must travel half that (2.5 meters). In order to reach the distance you must travel half that. So on and so on. The idea is that since you are always traveling half the goal distance you can never reach that point. It basically disproves the theory of motion.

BTW, mathematicians have thoroughly dispelled this paradox and it doesn't hold. Not bad for having been thought up so many years ago, though.

i hate relationships now wrote:

Zeno's paradox - it basically proved it was impossible to reach your destination. How?

In order to reach a distance say 10 meters, you must first travel half that (5 meters). In order to reach the new distance you must travel half that (2.5 meters). In order to reach the distance you must travel half that. So on and so on. The idea is that since you are always traveling half the goal distance you can never reach that point. It basically disproves the theory of motion.

BTW, mathematicians have thoroughly dispelled this paradox and it doesn't hold. Not bad for having been thought up so many years ago, though.

Umm don't think many people buy into this. I'm pretty sure it was just a joke and the idea that motion is possible doesn't really need defending.

yo wrote:

Law 57: You will lose one wife beater per every 5 times you wear said wife beater. Many people believe that they are just careless and sloppy, thus concluding that their lost wife beaters are of their own fault; this is not so. In fact, your wife beaters are stolen by the same man who steals your f****** socks. It is part of a runner's tax that all runner's pay. The price? Your faith in your own organizational skills.

wife beaters? no one i know wears those things

Law 10: You must correct a person if they refer to a 5k as being 3 miles. You must tell them it is in fact 3.1 miles. If they do not seem to see the big deal in the difference, punch them in the sternum.

... if he refers ... must tell him it is ... If he does not seem ... punch him in ...

Law 11: Do not suffer fools (This is the general law governing law 10).

Indeed.

Law 16 is my favorite.

#6 i had a hardy laugh

arghhh. #6 gave me a hardy laugh.

Definitely like 53 the best haha

I hate it when people say 5 kilometers is 3.1 miles.

Not Forrest wrote:

There are only really two that I like:

"Law 17: Do not be cocky. If you ever think you have done something great, remember that Haile Gebrselassie has run 26 4:43 miles in a row."

"Law 58: You shall not read Runner's World."

I think most runners could get by with just those two.

17 trumps 58. Go ahead, read it. Your head will not explode and your self image may just improve a little.

whenever Trot is involved in any joke, I laugh.