Who can actually communicate with thier wives?

Yeah this reminds me of fun debates on the 90s newsgroups like alt.romance. The "Etherman" dude quoted below got it back then.

No, this isn't in the least surprising. Cherye offers you BitchSpeak,

in the sense that she urges you to maintain a patently unsuccessful

behavior. Like many, she is trying to reassure you that you will be

justly rewarded by a nice, mature, resposible and loving woman. But you

know better than this, because to you it doesn't matter what women SAY

about romance, it's what they DO with(out) you that counts.

Cherye doesn't know anything about being a NiceGuy or she wouldn't offer

you this pointless advice.

Listen to the DOKTOR instead.

The LOVE DOKTOR

Etherman

3/22/96

- show quoted text -

- show quoted text -

The NiceGuy(tm) route hasn't worked for me or anyone else I know. Better

to be a jerk because then the woman will come begging for more.

Etherman

Poor Communicator wrote:

Are any guys actually good at communicating with their wives? I've been married for three years and it feels like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Seriously dude?

Pretty much all of the advice on this is as profound as "alternate breathing in and out", "when chewing, use your teeth to grind the food into smaller pieces" and "remember to use both feet when walking."

The item that jumped out at me from the OP was in the 3rd sentence. "If I were to tell her everything that crossed my mind, I'd probably break my phone from typing so much, better yet get any work done."

Typing is the generally for the delivery of information, not relational communication. I may be a bit out of touch and old-school, but don't most phones have a "talk" function? Give it a try and let us know how it goes.

There is no such thing as "communicating" with your wife...or any woman, for that matter. Your job is to listen and validate her feelings. That is all. Nothing more, nothing less. If you feel the need to share your own feelings or anything else, get a dog or pay a pro.

i am 25 and i have been married for a little over a year, but my wife is my best friend and we are constantly communicating and checking in on our communication patterns. both of us have the self-awareness to address problems when they come up or even before, and we also have the humility to admit when we are wrong and move forward. when I read posts like the OP I have to imagine that the OP is either on the spectrum or should have thought twice about marrying someone who he wasn't head over heels for.

oregon oldtimer wrote:

The item that jumped out at me from the OP was in the 3rd sentence. "If I were to tell her everything that crossed my mind, I'd probably break my phone from typing so much, better yet get any work done."

Typing is the generally for the delivery of information, not relational communication. I may be a bit out of touch and old-school, but don't most phones have a "talk" function? Give it a try and let us know how it goes.

Yes agreed. I call my wife most days from work at the same time.

Democrats are fairies

yung whippersnapper wrote:

i am 25 and i have been married for a little over a year, but my wife is my best friend and we are constantly communicating and checking in on our communication patterns. both of us have the self-awareness to address problems when they come up or even before, and we also have the humility to admit when we are wrong and move forward. when I read posts like the OP I have to imagine that the OP is either on the spectrum or should have thought twice about marrying someone who he wasn't head over heels for.

good luck w your imminent divorce.

oregon oldtimer wrote:

The item that jumped out at me from the OP was in the 3rd sentence. "If I were to tell her everything that crossed my mind, I'd probably break my phone from typing so much, better yet get any work done."

Typing is the generally for the delivery of information, not relational communication. I may be a bit out of touch and old-school, but don't most phones have a "talk" function? Give it a try and let us know how it goes.

Well that is partially my point. I go about my day at work, and it's impossible to remember everything that happened during the day to relay when we talk at night. And I don't feel like, or feel it's necessary to sit and text all day.. nothing drives me more insane than doing that. I am not a fan of communicating through phones/instant messenger.

And yeah, things get missed at times, which is just part of it. I'm curious if other guys ever hear "Oh, you're such a great communicator!". If so, tell me how you do it. There have been a lot of great replies in this thread, btw.

maffeboner wrote:

yung whippersnapper wrote:

i am 25 and i have been married for a little over a year, but my wife is my best friend and we are constantly communicating and checking in on our communication patterns. both of us have the self-awareness to address problems when they come up or even before, and we also have the humility to admit when we are wrong and move forward. when I read posts like the OP I have to imagine that the OP is either on the spectrum or should have thought twice about marrying someone who he wasn't head over heels for.

good luck w your imminent divorce.

Not to be cynical here, but yeah seriously. I didn't know jack $hit when I was 25, and I don't think anyone really does.. so the profound expertise in this matter surprised me. Two kids, full time jobs, obligations and so on.. not everything will be perfect all the time. Not afraid to admit it by any means. And I made no mistakes in marrying who I did.

Ghost of Igloi wrote:

I have been married 44 years and it is not that hard....talk....listen.....put the iPad or newspaper down. Best advice I have. I am very happy to be married.

Igy

This right here.

PUT DOWN THE PHONE/DEVICES.

I have been married 37 years.

Very happy.

We communicate by actually talking.

What works best is to talk to your wife sternly and forcefully. She MUST obey your commands and dutifully serve your needs. This is NOT a joking matter! If the husband (you) is not pleased the wife has not correctly served his needs. There is a reason couples were happier in the 1950's and divorce was at a low rate. We, as a society, must return to a world where the man is the king of his castle and the wife provides support as dictated by the king.

PEACE. OUT.

Poor Communicator wrote:

maffeboner wrote:

good luck w your imminent divorce.

Not to be cynical here, but yeah seriously. I didn't know jack $hit when I was 25, and I don't think anyone really does.. so the profound expertise in this matter surprised me. Two kids, full time jobs, obligations and so on.. not everything will be perfect all the time. Not afraid to admit it by any means. And I made no mistakes in marrying who I did.

this is exactly the kind of problem that you should be able to talk to your wife about and not vent to some forum filled with guys half of which likely know nothing about marriage or maintaining a successful relationship and DEFINITELY do not know the specifics of your situation as your wife should. if it's that serious talk to someone who is professionally trained to handle these issues.

Greetings! I too struggle with everyday conversation (and I'm female!), so here are a few ideas:

1. Try sitting side-by-side rather than facing each other in situations such as dinnertime or drinks. That way you can just be hanging out together, which is the fun part, than being forced into talking. If talking arises, great.

That's also why going for walks, runs, or drives together is awesome. Physical hanging-out-time, no pressure to talk.

2. One couple I know kept a book of quotations nearby during dinner, and if nothing came up, they'd flip it open to a random quotation and then talk about what they thought it meant.

3. Consider reading an interesting-to-you news source, so you'll have something you're dying to tell her when you get home. "Can you believe it? They're opening up a 'Rick and Morty' pop-up bar RIGHT HERE!"

Good luck.

I sense a few Jordan Peterson nuts on here. Looking for an excuse to bully their wives into submission. Hmmmm....

Anyway, your wife is a bit like a +1 friend. So talk to her like one (with extras of course). And shes gonna want to know what youre upto as well. Shes not a room mate.

yung whippersnapper wrote:

Poor Communicator wrote:

Not to be cynical here, but yeah seriously. I didn't know jack $hit when I was 25, and I don't think anyone really does.. so the profound expertise in this matter surprised me. Two kids, full time jobs, obligations and so on.. not everything will be perfect all the time. Not afraid to admit it by any means. And I made no mistakes in marrying who I did.

this is exactly the kind of problem that you should be able to talk to your wife about and not vent to some forum filled with guys half of which likely know nothing about marriage or maintaining a successful relationship and DEFINITELY do not know the specifics of your situation as your wife should. if it's that serious talk to someone who is professionally trained to handle these issues.

To the OP:

If you don't get intentional about doing something about it now, it will become serious. You might consider counseling, attending a marriage seminar, reading a book about communication in marriage, etc. All that may sound drastic but the truth is, communication breakdowns are common and happen to EVERY married couple. It's not something you solve once, but something you work on over time.

You say you're not a fan of texting all day or using messenger or phones to communicate. Consider swallowing a bit of that pride and checking in with your wife 2 or 3 times during the workday. Get intentional about it. Put in on your calendar for a 5-minute check-in every few hours or set an alarm.

Here your wife is telling you pretty clearly that she has a (valid) need—more communication—and instead of looking for simple ways to meet that need, you're saying I'm just not a fan of communicating by phone or messenger. I'm telling you, making a habit of checking in with her throughout the day will go a long way. But also, like I mentioned above, look for some form of good outside help—not just a bunch of dudes on a message board.

If your parents have had the same problem in their marriage, it's no surprise you're struggling with it too. We tend to carry a lot of habits from our parents (particularly our fathers) with us. You've got to get intentional about breaking that mold and being the husband your wife needs.

Oh, and let your wife know you're working on it.

dear op

if your wife wanted you to communicate to her, it would come easily to you. communication flows naturally between 2 mutually receptive individuals.

think about that.

welcome.

Poor Communicator wrote:

Are any guys actually good at communicating with their wives?

I suggest you pick your favorite wife and divorce the rest!