Married folks: How to do it?

well.... wrote:

No, I have never cheated. Men keep their promises. There are some things you just do. Grow the f*ck up.

So you alwsys jerk off to thoughts of your wife. If no, you are a hypocrite.

Ummm Yeah wrote:

Johnny Bench wrote:

I know people who have done it, felt guilt-free, and maintained a good marriage.

"Maintained a good marriage"? Well, I suppose that depends on the definition of what a "good marriage" is. For you it appears to be coexistence between two strangers. Good enough for some I guess.

So, if you fvck someone else you become strangers with your spouse?

Um, no.

Honesty is important. Ask her if it's okay to do it. If it's not (which of course it won't be) you either can't do it, or you'll have to break up with her. If it's okay with her then understand that she will return the favour.

i am not always happy with married life, but i cannot imagine betraying my family this way. the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life was my father betraying my mother in this way. f'd me up, but good.

i will never do that to my kids.

nice post

moralizing twerps are annoying wrote:

Ummm Yeah wrote:

"Maintained a good marriage"? Well, I suppose that depends on the definition of what a "good marriage" is. For you it appears to be coexistence between two strangers. Good enough for some I guess.

So, if you fvck someone else you become strangers with your spouse?

Um, no.

No, you have that a bit backwards.

If you fuck someone else while keeping it secret from your spouse then you were already basically a stranger WRT your spouse in the first place.

Glad I could help clear that up for you.

See Dan Savage and the ways many committed gay men practice monogamy. One of my gay friends is married and is always fooling around with other dudes. They do it in a way that respects their main partner though.

That communitiy is light years ahead of most of the straight community in acknowledging the problems associated with sleeping with one person your entire life.

If you need to get off somewhere else, let your wife know. Maybe she'll surprise you.

cxzc wrote:

Honesty is important. Ask her if it's okay to do it. If it's not (which of course it won't be) you either can't do it, or you'll have to break up with her. If it's okay with her then understand that she will return the favour.

I think this is correct. For my wife, when I used to be a bad husband (I didn't cheat) it was really the lying that hurt her more than the things I did.

In fact, she was better off with me telling her if I screwed up and being honest than lying about anything, even small things.

I have to say that it feels great being (almost) totally honest about things - at least about the important things (not her cooking).

I know if I cheated on her I would either have to lie and keep it a secret or she would leave me because she has told me she would for cheating.

If you think you will constantly be worried about the lie coming out, then that is a horrible existence.

If you don't think the lie will do any wrong, then either you or your spouse probably don't care enough about each other to make it a problem (i.e. - you got bigger problems than cheating).

OP, do you have kids?

Awesome that the ad showi.g up at the top of the page is for an aggressive divorce attorney

cxzc wrote:Honesty is important. Ask her if it's okay to do it.

I don't imagine this going over well.

"Hey honey, I have a question. Would it be OK if hook up with someone? You know, just for the sex, nothing serious or anything. What do you think?"

Multipleanswers wrote:

Depends on your belief system:

Christian - any thought of another woman is evil and is cheating, you'll burn in hell

Muslim/Mormom - you can have multiple wives, but that just sounds like one big effing headache

Atheist - there is no God and this no rules, so you can just do whatever comes to mind

based on the above sounds like atheist is best

Heelzez yah

The problem is that you would know. If you have no regard for your wife or marriage or children, maybe that won't bother you much.

LOL - The ad on the page is Ashley Madison.

it's generally by right to cheat of course. but dan savage also talks about the fact that monogamy goes two ways: you have to have sex with only one person, but to earn your fidelity they have to have sex with you regularly. meaning that it's a betrayal of the vows to shut off a sex life but also expect your partner not to stray. you don't have the right to require your partner to be celibate. real adults recognize that lifelong relationships are far more complex than wedding vows indicate and that vows made at 25 should accommodate the ups and downs of 50+ years of partnership.

xcskier66 wrote:

See Dan Savage and the ways many committed gay men practice monogamy. One of my gay friends is married and is always fooling around with other dudes. They do it in a way that respects their main partner though.

That communitiy is light years ahead of most of the straight community in acknowledging the problems associated with sleeping with one person your entire life.

If you need to get off somewhere else, let your wife know. Maybe she'll surprise you.

sdflkjdsalkfjadslf wrote:

I know if I cheated on her I would either have to lie and keep it a secret or she would leave me because she has told me she would for cheating.

Big red flag, IMO, if a spouse has the occasion to actually verbalize that sentiment.

She probably should have left you years ago when the small lies accumulated and snowballed into bigger lies. If you don't have your spouse's full trust, then you have nothing.

of course I meant "not right" to cheat. stupid iPhone.

stone cold logic wrote:

sdflkjdsalkfjadslf wrote:

I know if I cheated on her I would either have to lie and keep it a secret or she would leave me because she has told me she would for cheating.

Big red flag, IMO, if a spouse has the occasion to actually verbalize that sentiment.

She probably should have left you years ago when the small lies accumulated and snowballed into bigger lies. If you don't have your spouse's full trust, then you have nothing.

I'm not following. I was just saying the guy has three options: 1) lie and let the guilt eat him up inside; 2) be honest and risk her leaving him; 3) don't cheat and you don't need to worry.

I also said I had lost her trust multiple times in the past. The driving issue was an addiction. I got clean right after meeting her but secretly relapsed nearly a decade later and lies were built around it. Once I got clean I felt human again and haven't lied to her since. We are much happier now.

I'm in this boat right now and it's awful, and all my fault. Got married at 25, now both 32. In retrospect if we are both being honest, we should've waited much longer before tying the knot, or not have gotten married at all. In short, met another married, attractive woman at the office and had a few lunches, happy hour drinks, etc. It took a few months before this turned into a full blown affair when both our spouses happened to be out of town. She claims she is happily married which blows me away, I can say that I am not happy and need to end it. Don't do this if you are thinking about it, the guilt is not worth it. Even if you are serious about ending your marriage, end it before straying. In my experience it is extremely difficult to deal with the guilt all the time. Honestly it was fun while it lasted but knowing that I cheated on the one person one the whole planet I promised not to feels horrible.

Wow that's pretty rough. I will remember your words next time I feel weak. Best of luck with that.